Just to put a bit of background to this, I have Aspergers, no kids, I’m on a lot of medications for diff medical conditions which can cause drowsiness and I’m on universal credit for disability, I honestly forget the name of the benefit as my dad helps me out with it.
So. I’ve felt like this for a long time, long before I was diagnosed but recently, after a very long period of being unemployed and out of education, I decided to get the balls to volunteer as a cash desk assistant at a charity shop/ thrift store. I’m in the U.K. but it doesn’t really matter.
I started my new volunteer cash desk role today.
When I arrived I went in the back to the sorting room and they were all sharing a huge cake, and tea, they didn’t offer me anything and I didn’t really care because I’m on a diet but I felt a bit...left out? Especially as the other new girl (fourth paragraph down) was having it too.
It’s mainly older women there, and they’re...quite nice. It’s just my anxiety made me take a long while to get used to the cash register/till and they had a bit of a joke to each other about not leaving me alone (incase I messed it up) but in general were mainly friendly. However, I felt so awful for taking ages, I apologised to every single customer and said it was my first day to the ones who asked, and most understood.
As I mentioned, a new young girl also works there but she does the behind the scenes stuff, sorting out the donations, while I do the cash register/general cleaning. I went upstairs to grab my handbag out the locker and because I’m so quiet she jumped, I politely asked her if she could get the manager (lots of bags in the way I couldn’t step over), and she smirked and shouted “the girl who’s working here who I can’t remember the name of needs you”.
Young people my age (teens and twenties) NEVER like me, they always see something in me they want to pick on and I feel so low and paranoid.
Her and the manager were getting on like a house on fire and I never got that reception when I arrived because I’m shit at socialising. I always will be. Some of the older women talked to me and so did the manager, and I was very polite.
I know I appear weird, I don’t want to out myself but have an English accent and am shy and they’re all Scottish and sociable...I just feel like I’m getting in the way of people I don’t know and the amount of times I said sorry this morning must have been about 100 or more, when I cocked up the till, when I accidentally knocked things over, when I accidentally made the girl get a fright...just everything.
I am proud of myself for jumping into work, and I’m gritting my teeth and going back on Friday when part of me just wants to give up, not to mention I’m exhausted due to my meds, but I don’t know.
I just feel like I need a hug and someone to say, hey, you’re gonna be okay. I’m just lonely as hell, shit socially in the workplace and shit at making friends.
Sorry for the vent. 