25 years old, first job (volunteering)- should I just quit?

[Honeybeexo]

Just to put a bit of background to this, I have Aspergers, no kids, I’m on a lot of medications for diff medical conditions which can cause drowsiness and I’m on universal credit for disability, I honestly forget the name of the benefit as my dad helps me out with it.

So. I’ve felt like this for a long time, long before I was diagnosed but recently, after a very long period of being unemployed and out of education, I decided to get the balls to volunteer as a cash desk assistant at a charity shop/ thrift store. I’m in the U.K. but it doesn’t really matter.

I started my new volunteer cash desk role today.

When I arrived I went in the back to the sorting room and they were all sharing a huge cake, and tea, they didn’t offer me anything and I didn’t really care because I’m on a diet but I felt a bit...left out? Especially as the other new girl (fourth paragraph down) was having it too.

It’s mainly older women there, and they’re...quite nice. It’s just my anxiety made me take a long while to get used to the cash register/till and they had a bit of a joke to each other about not leaving me alone (incase I messed it up) but in general were mainly friendly. However, I felt so awful for taking ages, I apologised to every single customer and said it was my first day to the ones who asked, and most understood.

As I mentioned, a new young girl also works there but she does the behind the scenes stuff, sorting out the donations, while I do the cash register/general cleaning. I went upstairs to grab my handbag out the locker and because I’m so quiet she jumped, I politely asked her if she could get the manager (lots of bags in the way I couldn’t step over), and she smirked and shouted “the girl who’s working here who I can’t remember the name of needs you”.

Young people my age (teens and twenties) NEVER like me, they always see something in me they want to pick on and I feel so low and paranoid.

Her and the manager were getting on like a house on fire and I never got that reception when I arrived because I’m shit at socialising. I always will be. Some of the older women talked to me and so did the manager, and I was very polite.

I know I appear weird, I don’t want to out myself but have an English accent and am shy and they’re all Scottish and sociable...I just feel like I’m getting in the way of people I don’t know and the amount of times I said sorry this morning must have been about 100 or more, when I cocked up the till, when I accidentally knocked things over, when I accidentally made the girl get a fright...just everything.

I am proud of myself for jumping into work, and I’m gritting my teeth and going back on Friday when part of me just wants to give up, not to mention I’m exhausted due to my meds, but I don’t know.

I just feel like I need a hug and someone to say, hey, you’re gonna be okay. I’m just lonely as hell, shit socially in the workplace and shit at making friends.

Sorry for the vent.

@ for you, some good advice on the thread.
Would you consider wearing something that would encourage others to talk to you? A T-shirt with an image on? Or a badge with something on? even “Be Kind, I’m new here” on the badge?

Instead of focusing on the one or two unkind comments or the people who made you feel uncomfortable, focus on the people who chatted to you and were nice to you.
You know you have difficulties so forget those who aren't supportive. Be civil to them but concentrate on the nice ones.

We all feel awkward and silly learning things for the first time when everyone else knows what they are doing.

Aww, mate. I think I’ve cried on the first day in every new job I’ve had, and it often take a week or so for the sort-of home-sick feeling in the pit of my stomach to pass.

I think quiet people (I’m one) are often unfairly labelled as being stuck-up, and unfortunately having an English accent in Scotland might not help with that either.

For breaking the ice and making small-talk, I have a fairly standard routine of asking people on Monday/Tuesday “How was your weekend?” or “Did you get up to much at the weekend?”, Wednesday is “How’s your week going?” And Thursday/Friday is “Do you have any plans for the weekend?” or “Up to anything nice this weekend?”. Also have a few stick phrases of your own to reply with, because nothing shuts a conversation down faster than “No, didn’t do much”. Something like “Fairly quiet, but took the dog for a walk and it was lovely seeing the leaves starting to turn/bluebells coming up”. Something that gives an opportunity to continue to conversation.

It was a bit rude of them not to offer you the refreshments, but can you just help yourself to them? Or if they do ask say “I’d love a cup of tea, but no cake thanks”.

Don’t give up just yet, hopefully it will improve.

And if, after a few weeks/months it doesn’t, how about volunteering somewhere like a dog rescue where there is less social interaction?

Well done for getting through your first day. As many others have said, it can be difficult for anyone so no doubt it's even harder for you as you find socialising difficult. Hopefully if you keep at it you and the other staff will get used to each other and they will accept you.

I'm probably telling you something you already know, but the autism society list quite a few social clubs for people with Asperger's and autism, which could be a way of making friends who understand you. www.autism.org.uk/services/community/group/england.aspx

Even for those with no additional difficulties, starting a new job is tiring and it takes a while to learn the ropes. Well done to you for getting out there and trying something new. Give it a couple of months before you decide whether to quit - after that time you’ll have a better idea of whether you will enjoy it.

Take cake on Friday. Or chocolate biscuits.

Well done for putting yourself out there. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time to settle in and learn the ropes x

Stop apologising - I don't think I've ever been in a charity shop where the volunteer wasn't slow on the till. It takes a while to feel confident, especially if you're only in once a week and have plenty of time to forget in between shifts!
The young girl you mention seems gauche and lacking in social graces - which is maybe why she doesn't have paid employment and is there for work experience, same as you. Sometimes shyness comes across as cockiness - don't let her bother you.
It takes a while to make real friends through volunteering as you're often with new people every week. You're probably over-thinking the tea and cake. If there's shifts for tea-breaks, sharing cakes are usually are left on the table for everyone to help themselves - they probably thought that you were on a later break.
Well done for volunteering and I hope you'll get to love it when you've settled in. Don't cry. If you're having problems in a week or two, have a word with the manager whose job it is to help you settle in. If you find you really don't like it - well, there's loads of charities all crying out for volunteers and maybe there's a friendlier crowd at the shop down the street. If you're young, you'll be welcomed with open arms as so many older volunteers have been retired with COVID concerns.

The chances are that some, if not most, of the other volunteers will have issues of their own. Stick it out. It’s too early to quit.

@Notredamn - what did @whiplashy say?

Thankyou everyone for your comments, still exhausted but will be replying to each

No need to reply to this, I'm autistic, too.

I give it three weeks in a new workplace, to get used to it.

We are very sensitive to moods and feelings, and won't crash into social activities as NTs would. It's ok to hang back.

Have you tried mindfulness? 'Internalise the mountain' - be solid in yourself and let others get on with it.

Honestly tonight, about half an hour ago, I opened up to my parents and had a good long cry, looking a complete state I hasten to add (slept in all day due to being so tired from my medication).

I’m going to be open here and say that I got hooked on codeine opiate based painkillers (think cocodamol) a few years back and so got put on methadone as a weaning down program. I’ve since weaned down on the methadone to about half as much (under 25ml) and I’m still exhausted, which didn’t help while I was working. I honestly felt so tired. Which didn’t help my mood.

Combined with being on Prozac and my Aspergers, As well as being epileptic, I’ve tried not to punish myself too much.

But it really is hard.

Any tips for Friday? I don’t even know what hours I’m working, they didn’t let me know so I’m going to have to ring up tomorrow and ask. I’ve got the feeling they find me a bit of a burden and don’t really care whether I come in or not. But I’d like to try, you know?

It's hard OP - and well done for putting yourself out there. I always feel like that in a new place - and I am older and generally quite good with people.

Stick with it OP. It will take a bit of time but people will see past the "difficult" side of you and start to know and appreciate the other qualities. (Kindness, thoughtfulness, reliability... what ever you are good at and whatever makes you you)

Tips for Friday? Just do your work, be nice but not over the top, focus on getting the job done and not on being liked. That will come at some point. Find out what you can about the charity, learn about retail, don't try to be someone you are not. Then when you have more confidence and experience you can move on to somewhere that suits you better.

I think you should persevere a bit longer, even though it's hard. As others have said, any new job can be hard at first and people can be a bit rude until they get to know you. Try and keep smiling and being positive towards people. Don't take it personally if they are unkind - easier said than done!

Having said that, there are unfortunately lots of people who are unkind to those who are a bit different. But also lots who can be extra kind and help you. If you find one of these you will be well away. If it doesn't work out for you here, don't be put off trying elsewhere. You will eventually find a nice person who will take you under their wing.

I say this having worked with a colleague with Asperger's. He had been sacked from a couple of workplaces - basically he was a victim of bullying. He was a bit odd in some ways, and could get very stressed by certain situations. However, my boss saw his potential and he was great at the job and a fantastic person to work with - just needed a bit of extra patience and understanding.

I'm sure that you have a lot to offer - you clearly care a lot about doing things well. Believe in yourself x

Oh gosh. What you are going through seems hard. No wonder you’re struggling to find your place atm.

Don’t be down on yourself and try to stop apologising. They have told you they want you to come so stop thinking of yourself as a charity case. There are possibly many people choosing to work in charity shops precisely because they have a lot of challenges in life.

Take cake or biscuits as suggested. Maybe thank them for having you there and say you would appreciate any help they can give on settling you in. Try to remember to smile.

I don't think you should quit OP. The next time you see a cake being shared just smile and say can I try some please it looks lovely.
I don't have aspergers but I was taken abroad at three and grew up in my stepfathers asian country for 16 years (I'm white british). The culture was completely different and women were extremely oppressed.
I came back to the UK as a young adult unable to speak much english or understand my own culture which seemed very free and easy and immoral to me.
It's taken me years and years to fit in, I'm 58 now and I've had to learn how to fit in over the years.
You will learn too and this will be a very good experience for you.

Well done for doing your first day! I don’t think I have ever have a first day that went really well. Often everyone is busy and you feel out of place or in the way, but it gets so much easier!

One thing I noticed in your post is how you are so hard on yourself. I have suffered with anxiety and one thing I found useful is to write down everything like you have just written for us, and then read it and think of what you would say to your friend if they said it had happened to them.

For example, you said you took ages to learn the cash register - you can’t be expected to know the cash register before you start as every system is different! So you are doing fine.

You’ve said young people never like you, which I’m sure isn’t true. But when you tell yourself these things you start to believe them. The ladies at the shop probably haven’t decided yet because they’ve only just met you!

When you think I’m shit at socialising, it makes you worse. If you told yourself that ‘it’s my first week so I’m bound to be nervous, but I am doing the best I can’ it could help.

I hope you enjoy it more next time and try to challenge some of the thoughts that go through your head, as they are not true.

I'm so impressed that you are getting stuck in despite the challenges you have described.
Good for you. I think it's pretty normal to feel quite awkward and unsure in a new job, you have to stick at it for quite a while to get the hang of things but your commitment will earn people's respect.
At the very worst, if it turns out you don't get on with them longer term, you will have learned a good set of new skills which you can take elsewhere.
I suppose what I am trying to say is these feelings are normal for a new start, and things will get better. Look after yourself and tell yourself you are doing great. Remember that other people also feel unsure and awkward and they too are trying to cover up their insecurities.
Good luck!

Thanks everyone. I’m back in tomorrow around eleven.

Good luck for tomorrow OP! You'll be great 👍

@ThursdayAfterNext I wish

Just thought I’d let everyone know, I had a much better second day, ended up working a longer shift becsuse I was enjoying it and there was a cute guy also working who I seemed to get along with plus the customers were lovely!

Thanks for all the support

Great to hear! Thank you for coming back to update us.