I don't like my stepchild!

[curlyhairdiva]

Hi all, I feel like a terrible person for writing this and really wish that I didn't have these feelings because it isn't healthy but basically, my husband has an 11 year old daughter from a previous relationship and although shes been in my life for several years now I find it really difficult to take it her. Firstly, she is incredibly draining and demanding for a child of her age. She simply cannot occupy herself for five minutes and needs constant stimulation. As an introverted type, I find this really hard to deal with but I do try my best. She jumps on me from behind when I'm not expecting it and can hurt me (I don't think she intends to hurt me but does it for a laugh). She's also really messy and leaves our home in a complete state. I have spoken to my husband about this and he is supporting me in trying to stamp out some of these behaviours, but it goes in one ear and out the other with her. She will barely eat anything we cook for her and instead spends most of the mealtimes picking at her food. I also don't like the way she treats other children, she is a bit of a bully and likes to be the center of attention. I talked to my husband about this and we try together to encourage better behaviours but I do find it so hard. I feel like at 11 she should have grown out of some of her behaviours by now. I try my hardest but it's so exhausting and I dread his contact days. Am I a terrible person for feeling like this?

You aren't a terrible person, but surely this is something you consider when deciding whether to have a long term relationship with someone?

Parents and kids arent seperate, you choice should be between finding a way to care for both if them or ending the relationship.

Saying that her dad is "supporting you in trying to stamp out" some of her behaviour sounds awful. It is your place to support her dad's choices around parenting, not to make decisions about her behaviour on your own, especially if you don't like her much.

I've got no advice, just dropped by to give you this:

OP why isn't her dad parenting her? He needs to do all the cooking when she is there and tidy up after her.

From now on when she makes a mess call her dad to tidy it up. Explain to him that you are not his child's parent and he needs to parent her which includes tidying up after her.

Saying that her dad is "supporting you in trying to stamp out" some of her behaviour sounds awful. It is your place to support her dad's choices around parenting, not to make decisions about her behaviour on your own, especially if you don't like her much.

Hmmm. Apart from jumping on OP from behind and hurting her. My 11 year old SS is less than 2 inches shorter than me and nearly my weight, he’d seriously injure me if he did that and 11 is well old enough to know you don’t touch anyone against their wishes never mind bloody jump on them. That’s not funny, it’s completely unacceptable and absolutely needs stamping out.

Firstly you have my sympathies - I would not enjoy sharing my home with the person you describe.

I think your husband needs to take a bit more responsibility and not expect you to do the parenting.

However, messiness and fussy eating is just something you will need to put up with I think... you might all have a nicer time together if you weren’t constantly trying to “stamp out” behaviours.

The jumping on you is a different matter though - she will need to learn that there are boundaries for being physical with people. I may be wildly off the mark, but I wonder if it’s some kind of clumsy attempt at affection? Would she prefer a cuddle and doesn’t know how to approach it?

Anne I agree the behaviour needs addressing, but it needs to be done by a parent, not an adult who doesn't like them.

How often is she with you? Does your dh have a good relationship with his Ex?

I suspect her behaviour is worse as she is a pre teen and I guess has been off school. Her fussy eating is just something her dad needs to deal with, when she is with you let him meal plan.

Thanks for the comments. I would like to add that I don't make the decisions surrounding parenting so sorry if it came across like that, in fact I really dont voice my opinions enough. I also forgot to mention that she takes my items without permission e.g my phone. Its so hard because it feels like there's constantly something and as she's not my child I find it difficult to assert any authority.

Imo in your home you have authority!
Taking your stuff is unacceptable.. Stop being a walkover and tell her off!
Teachers tell dc off and they don't share dna...

If no additional needs she should definitely be able to occupy herself at age 11.

If I were you i’d go out with a friend for the day, maybe meet up for lunch, I don’t mean every time maybe every other weekend or whatever day he has his daughter. His daughter has come to see her daddy, i’m sure she would love one on one attention without you there and you can have some time to yourself.

Or book a spa day if sd rules allow it now.

I’m wondering if you have unrealistic expectations of a child- yes 11 but still a child. Picking up items without asking? I doubt an biological parent even notices, it’s a sign that she’s probably comfortable with you.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

I’m wondering if you have unrealistic expectations of a child- yes 11 but still a child. Picking up items without asking? I doubt an biological parent even notices, it’s a sign that she’s probably comfortable with you.

Biological parents do notice if one of their kids is picking up their stuff without permission otherwise all my extended family is strange.

Looks to me like she's attention seeking/jealous (the jumping thing would definitely be a no-no for me though). Maybe give her more one on one time with her father as others have suggested. Also, use a password for your phone. She should respect your property.

she's not my child I find it difficult to assert any authority.

Ok let's unpick this....

I know on MN that it's generally advised that SP's neither "parent" or "discipline" SS.

Frankly I think that's a big part of many issues.

Straight away a dynamic has been created where the SP has no control within their home and children can and will act on that.

As a SM myself, DH and I agreed early on that we would have "house rules" that were applicable to everyone.

Simple things, like respecting people's personal space/possessions and privacy, keeping rooms tidy, being polite to each other, eating together at mealtimes, having basic age appropriate chores.

We also agreed the punishments for not adhering to those rules and they are enforced by DH or me (whoever is nearest to the action so to speak).

DSD and DS have always been clear that the rules apply equally to both of them and in the same way at age 11 I wouldn't have tolerated DSD jumping on me for fun, neither would I have let DS get away with it and also no issue with disciplining as necessary.

So many SP's end up in this awful situation of being powerless in their own homes and people wonder why they become disillusioned by family life and resentful of SC(s) when the issue is why wouldn't they be when the status quo disenfranchises them from the family in the first place?

To be clear that's not to say I get involved with "everything" re: DSD.

What we call "life decisions" are the proviso of DH and his Ex - so things like what school she attends, health concerns/treatments, when she got her ears pierced, advice on which Uni course etc.

That's not to say I don't give my opinion to DH on these issues, but I don't voice them to DSD and I also respect that the final decisions will be made by her parents (and would never criticise that decision even if I didn't agree with it).

So my advice OP is that you need to speak to your DP pretty frankly. This won't get better if your feelings and participation in family life are ignored.

You're a responsible adult in the home and parent or not entitled to enforce (previously agreed and communicated) discipline for behaviour that's unacceptable.

OP are there any neighbours/near by children that are near her age? Ideally you want to get her to play with them as much as possible, preferably outside when the weather is good, so she isn't in your hair.

OP, this is what therapy is for. You are being honest with your feelings, and this is important. Somehow, you need to dig deep into your heart and find the generous love this child needs. The kind of love that goes beyond whether or not you like her. Let me tell you honestly that my children were at times quite horrible. Children are, by definition, immature. And sometimes, they are terribly out of sync with their ages. They can be mature at 13 and immature at 18. Home is where they fall apart. It is where they are their worst and their best. Their most vulnerable, their most nasty. Where they test their parents to the uttermost. But it is also where they go to their deepest selves. And where, if you care to wrestle with them, you can learn some very deep and important things about yourself, too. They can ground you in this world in a way no other thing can. This child needs love and you are part of the love she needs to have. Therapy. With husband, without husband, but with an honest, open heart. Try it and you won't be sorry.

11 year olds can often occupy themselves but not all of them, it’s a bit of a funny age.
Your dh needs to be asking her to tidy up after herself and to be nice to others.

I’m guessing she will be starting high school in September? If so you are likely to see a huge change in her behaviour and she will grow up pretty fast. She will need to learn to amuse herself.

I have been there with a step daughter many moons ago, she used to drive me nuts, constantly wanting attention, it got much easier after she went to high school and she changed dramatically, she’s now 21.

OP does she have any additional needs? Just thinking about the impulsiveness, messiness and attention seeking behaviour, It could be that she cannot help it and needs support in directing her behaviour (rather than stamping it out - not a criticism of your language, maybe a different approach?)

Some excellent advise on this thread.

I think in terms of how to react to her, you wouldn't let a neighbour or a cousin or a work colleague come into your house, surprise you by jumping on you in a way that hurt you? or Take your things without asking , including something as personal as an iphone.
No other person, maybe even your partner would be allowed to do these things.
Why would she. She is your SC and I understand you want it to be your DP's job to parent his own child, but if he's letting these kinds of things go on he should be reprimanding her each and every time, asking her for an apology and setting consequences for ignoring these very simple instructions.
You are allowed to set boundaries on your personal possessions, and how people treat you in your own home just as you would with anyone else and these can't be set aside just because she is a step child. She might be trying to see how far she can push, so you either allow that or call a halt.
You could sit her down nicely and ask her why she does these things, say that you don't like this behaviour and ask her if she would like people doing that to her and how she would like to spend time at your house. It's never easy but I'm sure you will find a way, best of luck.

You are allowed to set boundaries on your personal possessions, and how people treat you in your own home just as you would with anyone else and these can't be set aside just because she is a step child I’d be very careful with how you approach such a discussion, a Step child should feel just as at home as a biological child, she isn’t a guest.

This is similar to my DD apart from she is nice to other people but she has now only just started to entertain herself and she's 12 (maybe due to some undiagnosed SEN though). Although if I let her play Xbox she could be on it all day.

OP do you have DCs? Honestly, kids are quite draining even if they're well behaved and if you're not used to it it must be so tiring.

Everything you have said seems pretty normal to me and remember she is getting to the age that she is growing out of it (teenage tantrums are next ) it is not like a toddler who is way needier. Maybe something to consider if you want your own DCs or you end your relationship and find someone else.

Try a different approach...

As much as you can, leave all actual parenting to DH, cooking, tidying up, everything. Don't worry about her not eating or not occupying herself... That's your DH's problem, not yours. If she's irritating you, go out or go relax in your room. She's not your problem so you don't need to be around her if she's being annoying.

To counter that, maybe offer some fun auntie style outings to try to build your relationship... Maybe take her to a cafe for hot chocolate and cake, grab an ice cream together, go out for lunch or go together to choose some jewellery or something for her room. Really focus on her for that time, ask her about her life and friends etc..., but then return her to her dad a couple of hours later and enjoy not having to be the "parent" .

My own biological dc do not help themselves to my possessions...