I don't like my stepchild!

[curlyhairdiva]

Hi all, I feel like a terrible person for writing this and really wish that I didn't have these feelings because it isn't healthy but basically, my husband has an 11 year old daughter from a previous relationship and although shes been in my life for several years now I find it really difficult to take it her. Firstly, she is incredibly draining and demanding for a child of her age. She simply cannot occupy herself for five minutes and needs constant stimulation. As an introverted type, I find this really hard to deal with but I do try my best. She jumps on me from behind when I'm not expecting it and can hurt me (I don't think she intends to hurt me but does it for a laugh). She's also really messy and leaves our home in a complete state. I have spoken to my husband about this and he is supporting me in trying to stamp out some of these behaviours, but it goes in one ear and out the other with her. She will barely eat anything we cook for her and instead spends most of the mealtimes picking at her food. I also don't like the way she treats other children, she is a bit of a bully and likes to be the center of attention. I talked to my husband about this and we try together to encourage better behaviours but I do find it so hard. I feel like at 11 she should have grown out of some of her behaviours by now. I try my hardest but it's so exhausting and I dread his contact days. Am I a terrible person for feeling like this?

I’d be very careful with how you approach such a discussion, a Step child should feel just as at home as a biological child, she isn’t a guest

Then she should be treated the same as a bio child. If you don't accept that behaviour from your own then you shouldn't have to accept it from another.

For goodness sake the OP should not have to remove herself from her home by going to a spa or meeting a friend to stop an 11 year old jumping on her and taking her things.....

That's just unacceptable behaviour for an 11 year old as is the inability to entertain themselves for 5/10 minutes.

As is not tidying up after yourself and bullying other children.

There's nothing to suggest this child isn't NT and I think it's fair if SN were a concern the OP would have mentioned them.

Time and again we see SP's being expected to put up with behaviours that the vast majority of parents wouldn't if their child exhibited them.

The pressure to make allowances for SC is at times ridiculous, often underpinned by a Disney Dad who'd rather keep in their child's good graces the detriment of both their child in the long term and their new spouse.

If my DS jumped on me repeatedly and hurt me or took my things I wouldn't be having cosy chats about it or think that I might to "open my heart" or need bloody therapy!!!

@trappedsincesundaymorn

I’d be very careful with how you approach such a discussion, a Step child should feel just as at home as a biological child, she isn’t a guest

Then she should be treated the same as a bio child. If you don't accept that behaviour from your own then you shouldn't have to accept it from another.

Exactly......

Ahh it’s a funny age and I won’t lie i struggle to like my own dc (10 and 13) sometimes. They’re a bit too big to play with toys and they’re missing that social contact because of lockdown and they have a lot of pent up energy (mine are either snipping and sniping at each other or play wrestling and wrecking the joint atm). You should absolutely be able to say please don’t jump on me, or please don’t take my stuff to members of your own household, whether they came out of your fanny or not. I’m not a stepmum but you’ll get no flaming from me, it sounds irritating.

Then she should be treated the same as a bio child. If you don't accept that behaviour from your own then you shouldn't have to accept it from another I actually agree, my issue is not boundaries but how the message is delivered, this is an 11yr old

Her father is not the only adult in your home , so you need to assert some rules and limits of your own. Direct from you to her.

 Just tell her, yourself,  " NO. That hurt.  Don't jump on me. "
 Tell her yourself  "  It's time  to put away the lego now/  clean up the paint pots/ put the felt tips back in their place,"   prime the pump by starting it with her  then and  keep encouraging /reminding/nagging  her until  it's done.

  If she whines about nagging, explain " I don't like nagging either, so lets try to get things done  sensibly.  If you tidy up when asked,  I won't have to keep saying the same thing. "

   I would just ignore the food thing completely;   serve meals at the table;  talk about something else,  when everyone else has finished, ask if she has had enough, then just take the plates away; no comment on how much or little she ate.   When I was a mealtime attentionseeker  It worked on me :-)

She needs real consequences putting in place for the bad behaviour. If this isn't happening then you have a DH problem.

She sounds like a normal kid tbh. I don't know any kids who don't pick at food or want constant attention.
At 11 she's going to be very sociable and want interaction.
I wish my step daughter was like her tbh.
Mine is just nuts and doesn't come to our house anymore as was just toxic.
She wouldn't let anyone talk to her father, wouldn't bathe, wash hair, brush hair or brush teeth. Didn't wipe after toilet or flush.
Only eat pasta or a cheese sandwhich if you offered anything else would run off screaming.
If you sat next to her father she would run off screaming.
She wet the bed in middle of day on purpose because her father wouldn't stop talking to me even though I'd only just got home and she'd been with him all day.
She ran under his desk and started pulling plugs out and screaming about being lonely cause he was putting our baby to bed.
She is 6 btw also and it's been like it for years.
In the end I said either you see her in your own time or I'm leaving as I found her behaviour bonkers and didn't want it around the other kids.
The absolute demanding domination was so unhealthy. I think the kid needs a therapist tbh.
She spends the whole day playing mine craft and I mean whole day when at mums. You can see it on the activity on her phone, 10 hours a day sometimes.
Oh and no she hasn't got special needs or anything. Just completely utter shit parenting, even on my husband part because he just likes to do all she wants to do so she doesn't kick off.
I've never seen behaviour like it.
So be glad your step daughter just picks at food and like to wrestle a bit and chat to you.

@MrsxRocky wow it sounds like you've had a lot to put up with!

Your post actually reminded me that my husband's daughter will not do things like brush her hair, put on clean clothes etc and doesn't flush toilet. This is a constant battle in our house. It's not that she just wants to chat all the time, she won't let you have five minutes to sit down and enjoy a cup of tea. I sometimes say "I'm just going to have a lie down in bed for a bit because I've got a headache" and five minutes later she will come in and jump on top of me. It's so hard I feel like crying sometimes

She sounds like a PITA and as long as you’re not mean to her you should not feel bad about disliking her at all. Taking your stuff without asking is completely unacceptable. What are the consequences when she does this?

How often does SD see her dad, every other weekend? She probably looks forward to seeing him, she doesn’t want to spend time with you, she wants to be with her dad. Step back let her dad give her one to one, which is then less stress for you. You are not being chased out of your home, you are making space for her dad to spend time with her. On top of that she might feel a bit on edge at your house, she’s not sure how to behave so she’s a bit silly. It must be so hard as a child having 2 homes and not fitting into either 😢

Don't take on a man if you don't like his children..It isn't fair in them.

The stepdaughter will be well aware of your feelings of antipathy towards her, and it will hurt her. She may not show it, but it will be registering, and children can read adults like a book.
She is probably feeling very insecure, and will be hypervigilant as a result.

Traditionally, even in fairytales , the stepmother/daughter a fraught one.

@Alex50

How often does SD see her dad, every other weekend? She probably looks forward to seeing him, she doesn’t want to spend time with you, she wants to be with her dad. Step back let her dad give her one to one, which is then less stress for you. You are not being chased out of your home, you are making space for her dad to spend time with her. On top of that she might feel a bit on edge at your house, she’s not sure how to behave so she’s a bit silly. It must be so hard as a child having 2 homes and not fitting into either 😢

Spot on.

@Alex50 @oakleaffy he has four full days a week with her and overnight contact once a week. The thing is she doesn't demand much attention from him at all and she told her mum that dad is mean to her at all the time. His daughter actually said she would only come to contact if I was present at one point!

It's not that she just wants to chat all the time, she won't let you have five minutes to sit down and enjoy a cup of tea. I sometimes say "I'm just going to have a lie down in bed for a bit because I've got a headache" and five minutes later she will come in and jump on top of me

How often does she come around?

How often do you say you're going for a lie down?
Jumping on top of you when you're in bed is of course a big no but
sometimes with children you have to suck it up and have a lie down after they've gone.
When my nieces and nephews come around I am exhausted but I don't go and lie down.

Your DH should be entertaining her so that when you're drinking your cup of tea then she isn't jumping on you.
But you can say no I will play with you later because I'm drinking my tea right now.

I have three step children. The youngest is the one who I find the hardest to deal with. She always needs to be Centre of the world, bossy and quite sly.
To begin with I used to mention it but now I just stay quiet. My partner has spent the last six months at home with her and starting to see it. Plus school reports are saying what I have been saying too. When she was little everyone thought she was too cute to be naughty but unfortunately that cuteness has dwindled and teachers are seeing it.
I just keep quiet and remind myself she is still his baby and won’t be a child forever.

he has four full days a week with her and overnight contact once a week

So he practically has her 50/50 with the mum then?
That definitely changes my opinion and how much you can suck up until after she's gone.

Yes it's pretty much half the week with mum and the other half with dad

Well if that’s the case something is very wrong here, if she doesn’t want be with her dad alone you have a big problem.

I forgot to mention that DH's daughter also bullies my six year old niece. For example, the other day she pushed her onto the floor and told the other kids they were playing with to run away. My niece was so upset. I know kids will be kids but at 11 and going to high school in September, surely she should know that it's wrong to bully kids especially those much younger?

Mention ADHD to your partner, I was like this at 11 and now I believe I have this issue. It’s hard to get a diagnosis but she will get help at school and it may help you be more understanding. Read up about the condition too, it will help you cope. Teachers get very little training in special needs and girls make more of an effort to cover up imperfections so many girls don’t get spotted.

Your partner needs to do more, can’t he remind her to pick up after herself and give her attention.

Also get to know the girl, ask her what she would like to do and go with it, let her take some control. Kids have personalities and insights but if they don’t feel safe they’ll show you their worst. You may find she’s an interesting child who adds to your life.

@curlyhairdiva
That is a lot of time..It must be hard for her pinging between two households though.

Does she get enough exercise and fresh air?..this tends to be good for children of all ages, far better to be out and being run off their feet than rolling around indoors bored.

I agree with @DeRigueurMortis on this.

I tried for a long time to respect the kids’ boundaries. I ended up in the situation you’re in.

I then decided that instead of seeing everything as a battle, I was going to a) train their dad and b) enjoy their company.

I cannot stress enough how much B made a difference. It is gloriously mindful, to sit and play lego. It is wonderful to sit in the paddling pool with water guns and be childlike. It is not sustaining, you can’t do it all the time, but you also don’t have to. Because positive interaction means that:

• they are worn out and want their own space
• their attention needs are satisfied so that they don’t demand it in unruly ways
• a positive relationship means; you overlook some things because you like them and they behave better because they like you.

Training Dad is important but if you don’t actually sit and like them, nurture them, be proud of them, make small changes, you’ll never actually feel like they’re anything but an inconvenience to your life.

His daughter actually said she would only come to contact if I was present at one point

What level of attention does she get from her mother and how does she get that attention? I'm thinking that maybe she wants you to notice her and do one on one stuff with her. Maybe (and it is your call obviously), suggest something you can do together, just the 2 of you. There will be posters screaming that you shouldn't be doing anything that doesn't involve her dad but they're not the ones being treated the way you are. Let her see you as a person rather than someone who's just "there". Maybe let her choose on the understanding that it will only happen if her behaviour improves.

Have you ever liked her?

Sounds like both parents are abdicating their responsibilities

But I hate these threads. Why are children so unimportant to the adults in their lives?