I don't like my stepchild!

[curlyhairdiva]

Hi all, I feel like a terrible person for writing this and really wish that I didn't have these feelings because it isn't healthy but basically, my husband has an 11 year old daughter from a previous relationship and although shes been in my life for several years now I find it really difficult to take it her. Firstly, she is incredibly draining and demanding for a child of her age. She simply cannot occupy herself for five minutes and needs constant stimulation. As an introverted type, I find this really hard to deal with but I do try my best. She jumps on me from behind when I'm not expecting it and can hurt me (I don't think she intends to hurt me but does it for a laugh). She's also really messy and leaves our home in a complete state. I have spoken to my husband about this and he is supporting me in trying to stamp out some of these behaviours, but it goes in one ear and out the other with her. She will barely eat anything we cook for her and instead spends most of the mealtimes picking at her food. I also don't like the way she treats other children, she is a bit of a bully and likes to be the center of attention. I talked to my husband about this and we try together to encourage better behaviours but I do find it so hard. I feel like at 11 she should have grown out of some of her behaviours by now. I try my hardest but it's so exhausting and I dread his contact days. Am I a terrible person for feeling like this?

If he's anything like my DH he will feel guilt and so he thinks that by letting her do whatever is good parenting. It isn't. Thankfully my stepchildren haven't turned badly because of this but still treat him with a passing contempt because he hasn't given them any boundaries. They are young adults now. They're lovely but they occasionally take advantage.

Sounds to me like she is desperate for attention.

What does her dad do when she's there? Is he busy? How often is she with you?

You're not obliged to like an unlikeable child. But if she jumped on me once more from behind, she wouldn't forget it in a hurry! Otherwise leave her to your husband to deal with.

@trappedsincesundaymorn

His daughter actually said she would only come to contact if I was present at one point

What level of attention does she get from her mother and how does she get that attention? I'm thinking that maybe she wants you to notice her and do one on one stuff with her. Maybe (and it is your call obviously), suggest something you can do together, just the 2 of you. There will be posters screaming that you shouldn't be doing anything that doesn't involve her dad but they're not the ones being treated the way you are. Let her see you as a person rather than someone who's just "there". Maybe let her choose on the understanding that it will only happen if her behaviour improves.

I'd agree with that wholeheartedly.

When DSD was that age we'd often go out just the two of us doing something I knew she'd like (such as go to the cinema to see a "girly" film DH/DS would have hated DH still owes me for having to sit through the Twilight (or Trishite) Trilogy ).

It was good to have time with her one to one and she'd often open up about various worries or ask advice.

It goes I think without saying (but this is MN) that in any conversations I was never critical of her parents but I did often feedback concerns to DH in a way that wouldn't break any confidences.

Again back to my first post on this thread I strongly feel this "mantra" that SP's should always take a back seat is really damaging to all involved.

My DSD is a wonderful part of my life and she's said the same to me many times but I'm sure that's because we know and respect each other - a relationship that's developed because we "engage" and even "clash" at times.

How on earth SP's are supposed to have a beneficial relationship with SC if they are not allowed to interact with them as a responsible adult who shares a home is utterly beyond me...

YANBU blended families can be shit. When my partner moved into my house and his kids started staying over every weekend I hated it.

All these terrible things she does and yet you still went ahead and married him. Wtf were you thinking?

I had my dc 50 /50 with exh calling the shots (abusive and controlling).. I was in no way a Disney parent and the dc knew rules did apply at my house..
At 12 +14 they moved here full time and are nc with exh..
Dc stated lack of parenting and bullying as reasons..
And they accept rulings applied by my dh. His home also and (post parenting discussions) we are on the same page with the dc...

You will just have to deal with it and bite your tongue, these are the the types of things you will have signed up for when dating / marrying someone who allready has children, just wait until they become teenagers that's when the fun really starts!

@Porcupineinwaiting

All these terrible things she does and yet you still went ahead and married him. Wtf were you thinking?

Yet another predictable boring trope on being a SM.....

If only we all had a crystal ball...

I'll give you that it is absolutely a harder row to hoe to marry a man who has a child from a previous relationship.

That said many SM's go into such a relationship with the knowledge that's the case and have usually worked hard to establish a relationship with the SC(s) before marrying.

However, things change. Relationships change that are out of your control such as between your DH and their Ex.

Children change and some develop personality traits you couldn't have anticipated.

You can't know the parenting style of the Ex and how that might be at odds to your values/parenting that might cause issues.

Circling back some Ex's insist that you can't even meet the children before your relation is "serious" (by their definition).

So what's the answer? Never get involved with anyone who already has children?

Why not head over to the relationships section and tell all the women whose husbands have left/cheated on them and abandoned them with 3 kids that's they'll never have a relationship again because anyone would be a fool to marry them....

I feel a lot of sympathy for you, I could never be a step mother.

But, but why on earth did you marry someone who has 50% custody with a child you can't tolerate?

You're not terrible at all, it shows you do care and want a good relationship with her.

Please don't stop trying to help her and bond with her. I know it's hard but there's usually more to it then just being a bad kid or immature for your age. It might sound strange but as a kid I would misbehave or be silly to cover up emotions such as feeling like I didn't belong at neither my mums or my dads house.

I'd really recommend getting her someone professional to talk to so she can express how she feels without feeling judged and be given tips on how to cope. Maybe even you and your husband could see someone? It can't hurt to try.

I think it's the age my sons 11 and he's being an attention seeking shit but I saw my nephew (12) the other day after not seeing him for a few weeks and he was an obnoxious , smug , rude little toe rag (obviously I love them both to bits but they are extremely grateing !).. Tweens are hard ..they are between young adults and kids .. Tell her to stop jumping on you and pull her up on bad behaviour talk to her mu m with your partner and do a United front on what you all allow and not allow so she knows where she is , if she's needy have you and your partner spend 30 mins each one on one time playing a game/crafting /painting/reading a book/doing her hair or whatever she enjoys (my LG10 like s doing aqua beads with me and if I sit with her she will often carry on for an hour after I've left her to it same with sequin art ) also try and watch something together you both enjoy , I like Harry potter & the hunger game and my son and daughter do too so we bond over the moviesand.books .. Find a common interest and do it together if you do spend one on one time she will be less needy the rest of the time .. I'm trying to do simular with my oldest (11) but with 3 children it's difficult but we've just rescued a tiny 4 week old kitten that's settling in in our bedroom (we recently adopted 2 others too) so he comes in our room and helps weigh feed and cuddle and play with the kitten and it's our bonding time (saying that does she have a pet? Would you.have the time to commit to a kitten? If so it's a brilliant way to introduce responsibly to children and they need attention so it would occupy her , I find pets are great for needy kids ! )x

Our niece and nephew came to live with us at 11 and 15, but before that they often stayed with us for extended periods of time. They aren't our biological children, they've had some really rough times but there were, and aren't, any reasons why they should show us or any other adult the complete and utter lack of respect your step daughter shows you.

Personal property is just that, personal and as for jumping on someone - no way should that ever be acceptable.

Step mothers are entitled to some respect in their own homes. I don't understand some of the attitudes of people on here. Surely people who think that an entire household of people should pander to the whims of one child are storing up trouble for the future.

I had a stepmother when I was 8-15 who really disliked me - every attempt I made to get closer to her backfired; she hated any physical contact (hugs, linking arms) and I overheard her complaining about me borrowing her stuff (CDs) because she really hated it. Made me feel like utter shit.
Appreciate that she isn’t your child, but have you considered how you are with her? She could just be trying to be closer to you.

As a veteran (17 years and counting) step mum my advice is definitely a our house our rules approach! Literally no fucks given about what’s allowed at mums, grans whoever’s AND all visitors must follow them. I know she’s not a visitor she lives there part time but I mean any visiting child or adult follows house rules.

I would definitely not leave the “parenting” to your dh like it or not you are in a parenting role and entitled to act accordingly.

She could just be trying to be closer to you.
I really think this is worth considering. A small relative of mine made me really miserable and cross recently by jumping on me, grabbing at me etc, over a period of days. I was really about to lose my shit, it was horribly annoying. But just in the nick of time, her mother said to me “I think she’s just trying to love you”. And omg, she was. As soon as I loved her back, the behaviour stopped completely, and she was really a joy from then on.

I’m not saying this will solve your problem completely, but I do know that children know when they’re disliked, and contrive weirdly often to make it worse.

So what's the answer? Never get involved with anybody who has children?

Hardly. What about "check whether you like said child and are happy with the way they are parented" before getting married.

@Porcupineinwaiting

So what's the answer? Never get involved with anybody who has children?

Hardly. What about "check whether you like said child and are happy with the way they are parented" before getting married.

Children change pretty quickly.

@TrustTheGeneGenie so giving yourself a couple of years to see if you can handle that would be a good idea, yes?

Nothing this child is doing is particularly unusual or terrible, it's all within the realms of normal, relentless, annoying 11 year old behaviour. If that's a problem for you (and again, nothing wrong w that), then acquiring a step child is a really bad idea.

If he has her for equal time as his ex he has no excuse for disney-style bollocks and should be on top of hygiene, tidying up after herself, teaching her to entertain herself and to respect other’s boundaries and personal belongings.

You need to expect more from him, he’s the issue.

Sounds like your DH is neglecting her and she's playing up and irritating you as a result. Dislike him, not her.

@jimmyjammy001

You will just have to deal with it and bite your tongue, these are the the types of things you will have signed up for when dating / marrying someone who allready has children, just wait until they become teenagers that's when the fun really starts!

No you don't have to bite your tongue. Agree wholeheartedly with @DeRigueurMortis on this.

There is a really annoying belief on here that SPs have to put up and shut up and have no say on anything that happens in their home. It should not be that way.

I have absolutely no problem speaking to and treating my SCs like my own and that includes discipline. I am an adult in my home, they are children. We get on well and I love them a lot but I've no issue disciplining/habing a word if necessary and DH agrees, just like I would for any biological DC.

It actually cements our relationship I think (mine and DSC). They know they can't walk all over me and respect me as an adult and I feel like I have some sort of control over my own home.

If I saw them doing something I didn't agree with like bullying another child or leaving their things everywhere and not tidying up, I wouldn't bite my tongue and get over it.

Kids will be kids to a certain extent but it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with saying 'X, you've left you're rubbish on the side, come and clear it up now please'.

I actually think being more assertive and having more authority in your home will help you to like her imo.

If you're never allowed authority in your own home and have to bite your tongue constantly when someone's behaviour is getting to you then you obviously aren't going to be that person's biggest fan. The fact said person is a child is irrelevant. OP should be able to have some sort of authority in her home.

Marrying a man with a child doesn't mean you have to allow yourself to be walked over and just smile and nod at everything for the rest of time regardless as to your own feelings.

As long as you're fair, there is no reason why you can't have a say in your own home. I reckon you'd feel miles better if you did.

@Porcupineinwaiting

So what's the answer? Never get involved with anybody who has children?

Hardly. What about "check whether you like said child and are happy with the way they are parented" before getting married.

If you'd read the rest of my post you took this one line you'd quoted from out of context you'd see I'd already explained why it isn't so simple.

SM's get a hell of a time on here sometimes.

We are expected to give and be both everything and nothing simultaneously.

Expected to have almost psychic powers to understand how everyone else feels whilst suppressing our own emotions.

Expect to predict the future with uncanny ability that extends to circumstances and people outside of our control.

Be happy to do the grunt work of cooking/cleaning/school runs but vilified for over stepping arbitrary boundaries that range from telling off a child for hurting them or asking them to put clothes in a washing basket.

When things go wrong and a child's behaviours are poor (as happens even in bio relationships) the onus as shown on this thread is for the SM to "seek therapy"/"open their heart"/"go for a spa day" etc etc

So right back at you.....

Well you need to open your mouth and tell her no and follow house rules. Shout for dh everytime she does something you disagree with. You both need to parent