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AIBU?

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Original poster

50/50 time split and grandparents

103 replies

Orcsies · 18/08/2020 09:46

Does anyone know the common and legal stance on this?

We have split time with the kids 50/50 following divorce. His family also want to spend time with the kids, including a decent chunk of the holidays, which is understandable. However, my family are largely deceased and none of the remaining family are the kind to visit or spend time with.

So, is it reasonable of my ex to ask that the split is 33% each during the holidays? So, he gets them 1/3, his family get them 1/3 and I only get the remaining 1/3?

OP posts:
Jellybeansincognito · 18/08/2020 12:58

You’re doing the right thing op.

He’s abusive, and his parents fully support that it seems. Giving them 1/3rd access rights in writing would be insane.

OrigamiOwl · 18/08/2020 13:00

His family time should come out of his half.

84claire84 · 18/08/2020 13:01

No way. Grandparents time comes off your ex's time not yours

Pittapitta · 18/08/2020 13:01

He should be splitting his time with them it shouldn’t come out of your time. Your ex is VU

forrestgreen · 18/08/2020 13:07

50 % your time includes your family

50% his time, includes his family, he can go too if he's missing them.

SoloMummy · 18/08/2020 13:47

@Orcsies

Does anyone know the common and legal stance on this?

We have split time with the kids 50/50 following divorce. His family also want to spend time with the kids, including a decent chunk of the holidays, which is understandable. However, my family are largely deceased and none of the remaining family are the kind to visit or spend time with.

So, is it reasonable of my ex to ask that the split is 33% each during the holidays? So, he gets them 1/3, his family get them 1/3 and I only get the remaining 1/3?

Maintaining family contact is his responsibility in his contact time. So if you have 3 weeks each during the summer holidays, how he splits his time is his choixe, but your holiday time shouldn't be reduced by 17% for them.
Dancingdeer77 · 18/08/2020 13:50

I voted but think I misunderstood which button meant which.

I agree fully that unless it is helpful to you in some way, any GP time on his side comes from his allowance.

It is heartening though to see two parents after the intensity of lockdown arguing over who gets the kids more.

Happynow001 · 18/08/2020 13:58

@Orcsies

Does anyone know the common and legal stance on this?

We have split time with the kids 50/50 following divorce. His family also want to spend time with the kids, including a decent chunk of the holidays, which is understandable. However, my family are largely deceased and none of the remaining family are the kind to visit or spend time with.

So, is it reasonable of my ex to ask that the split is 33% each during the holidays? So, he gets them 1/3, his family get them 1/3 and I only get the remaining 1/3?

Careful not to set a precedent, OP, which could be exploited in the future by your Ex or the grandparents.

Flowersupnorth · 18/08/2020 14:02

I would say for sure the contact time with his family comes out of his 50% share. I have a good relationship with my exes mother and she does come here to see my son sometimes at my invitation but otherwise she sees him when he is with his Dad.
As others have said if Grandparents help with childcare that is different but I certainly wouldn't be having them have equal time with my child as me. And legally that would be supported so I guess it depends on how you feel about it? Do you find their support useful?

Love51 · 18/08/2020 14:09

Thirds each doesn't seem fair on the children. They need a home. Unless they are a bit older and pushing for this, I'd not consider it in their best interests. I'm not even the biggest advocate of 50/50 though as for small ones it seems to be about parental egos rather than stability for children.

BlingLoving · 18/08/2020 14:47

I think the key thing here, having been considering it the last few hours (no idea why) is that there seems to be this idea on his side that he and his parents and you are all equal in having childcare responsibilities for the children (charitably) or rights to the children (more likely). It's total bollocks.

I do believe that if Dh and I ever divorced, I would be accommodating if his parents were around as they live far away and have wonderful relationships with the DC. And similarly, that he would accommodate mine, who also are not local. But that's very different to formally handing over 1/3 of caring responsibilities.

Also, why would you want to hand over your children for this amount of time to people who see you as the devil? it's bad enough having to hand them off to an abusive ex.

Ignore the gaslighting. He's being ridiculous and if he tries to take it further I don't think you'd have any issues stopping it.

Purpleartichoke · 18/08/2020 14:54

Extended family time comes out of the related parents time.

nestisflown · 18/08/2020 14:59

Don’t give up any of your time not even a day- even if you wanted to. It should come out of his time if he’s that concerned about it. And if you really do want to “give up “ time then it should be in the form of a swap- make sure that you get the days back so the split is not ever regularly skewed from 50-50

MinnieMountain · 18/08/2020 15:13

I was very close to my paternal DGPs and saw lots of them even after my DPs divorced.

I can't imagine spending only a third of my time with either parent, much as I loved my DGPs. It would have been really unsettling.

GinDrinker00 · 18/08/2020 15:20

His parents time comes out of his time not yours.

choli · 18/08/2020 15:24

@dwiz8

His families time should come from his 50% unless it benefits you, so for example wanting them for child care during your time but when working etc.
Really? That sounds a bit one sided.
Original poster
Orcsies · 18/08/2020 15:24

Thank you again for all the input. I think a few people misunderstand the actual split - most of the year, during term-time, we both have the children 50/50. We both live equidistant to the schools and childcare providers and in the same borough, with a 5min drive or 35-40min walk to either of us.

His extended family live a 4h drive away, so while they may occasionally get weekends together, it does make sense that if they have the children on their own they get to see them for a reasonable chunk of time.

I suppose what I'm unhappy about is that he seems perfectly happy to split the dull term-time 50/50, but he and his family would get Disney time together with the kids and I get comparatively little. Is it great for a rest and recharge? Absolutely, but I want my share of fun and holiday times, too. I had just never considered doing that outside of the agreed timeframe, i.e. would have only booked a holiday for a week.

OP posts:
RoseMartha · 18/08/2020 15:25

His parents time needs to come out of the time your kids are with your ex.

FannieMae84 · 18/08/2020 15:39

if his family live 4hr drive away, whilst you may want to facilitate the relationship because it benefits your kids... it's really not your problem to solve, is it?

it's literally not your problem. that's your ex's problem - if they want to see them more regularly (because a 4hr drive away means just popping in isn't an option) then what's his solution?

the normal/correct one isn't to say "well my ex (the op) will have to sacrifice her time" - especially on a holiday time where you all get to have more fun downtime away from the druge of work & school.

it really is asking you to take all the daily grind shite of parenting without the best fun part (imho)

RandomMess · 18/08/2020 16:22

There will likely come a time when your DC will not want to spend huge chunks of time with GP, especially if the negative towards you.

Absolutely stick to having 50% of non-term time with your DC. If GP are desperate for time with them then perhaps they can visit during term time and help their son out?

His family contact done in his time.

Anothermother3 · 18/08/2020 16:29

Don’t give them any extra days for him to then try and manipulate you with. It’s 50/50 holidays included.

forrestgreen · 18/08/2020 17:09

Is this all agreed informally?
I'd send a text
Dear ex I've given our recent discussion much thought and whilst it's lovely that the children have extended family on your side, their contact time forms part of your 50% time. I will have the dc for the first 3 weeks and please arrange with your parents how you'd like to split your weeks with them. Should you wish to change this arrangement, it will obviously affect maintainance, which we've obviously managed to avoid thus far. I know the children will have a lovely summer.

folkloreore · 18/08/2020 17:13

Absolutely not. If he wants to grant his family time with the DC then it comes out of his time with them.

You say they're very negative towards/about you. In which case I would to tell them to coordinate with your ex so any holidays they wish to take them on only come out of the dates he has already arranged to have the DC. Do not give up your holiday time with your own DC to facilitate an abusive ex's abusive family.

GabriellaMontez · 18/08/2020 17:26

Ime me giving an inch (trying to be reasonable) has resulted in x taking a mile. Trying to make out there is a precedent. Pushing the boundary further.

Dont give them an extra day. Why would you ?

MinnieMountain · 18/08/2020 17:29

I see. Still no.

Is you ex looking at this from your DC's point of view? That they need decent amounts of relaxed/holiday time with you too?

Would he be with his DPs during this proposed 1/3 of holidays? It sounds like a sneaky way for him to get extra holiday time.