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AIBU?

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Original poster

50/50 time split and grandparents

103 replies

Orcsies · 18/08/2020 09:46

Does anyone know the common and legal stance on this?

We have split time with the kids 50/50 following divorce. His family also want to spend time with the kids, including a decent chunk of the holidays, which is understandable. However, my family are largely deceased and none of the remaining family are the kind to visit or spend time with.

So, is it reasonable of my ex to ask that the split is 33% each during the holidays? So, he gets them 1/3, his family get them 1/3 and I only get the remaining 1/3?

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 18/08/2020 11:20

It comes out of his time!

Its nice that he has that sort of family.

Maybe in your time you'll do something different. See friends. Chill. Have days out. This isn't less worthy.

Goongoon · 18/08/2020 11:25

YANBU
You’re loosing out massively if you split it 33%.
It should be 50/50 and they see the DC in his time. However, if it helps you with childcare for the to be with exILs during your time with them, then that could be an added bonus for them.

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 18/08/2020 11:27

If you have a 50:50 split then you decide where they are for half the time and he decides for the other half. If he chooses to use some of his time to send them to their grandparents he can. Its totally your choice who they stay with on your weeks so if you would rather them stay with you that's fine. Depending on the age of the children it might be good to take their views into consideration.

Ceara · 18/08/2020 11:36

The child's extended family relationships matter. As does having some agency, for the child. Having been the child, I would say that however much gritting of teeth it involves to have contact with the ex-in-laws, both parents should step up to facilitate the relationships with the child's relatives on both sides. So the child knows they can always Skype/ring/visit granny or whoever, whether they are with mummy or daddy - because the relationship is theirs, not the relevant parent's on their behalf. I appreciate this isn't how it commonly works. Ideally, though, everyone sees it as not "your" time or "their father's" time, but all the child's time.

OhCaptain · 18/08/2020 11:38

Really weird thing to suggest.

His family comes out of his time.

Icantrememebrtheartist · 18/08/2020 11:44

No I don’t think it’s fair.

Surely you and your exDH get 50% of the time each. If his family want a “chunk” of time that needs to come out of the 50% of time. Unless you are happy with the 33% arrangement eg maybe it helps with childcare if you work.

Icantrememebrtheartist · 18/08/2020 11:47

His time

CelestialSpanking · 18/08/2020 11:50

He is being unreasonable. Massively. His family see the children on his time, it shouldn’t cut in on yours (unless you make plans with them). Fucking cheek of it.

MzHz · 18/08/2020 11:54

If YOU want to take the kids to see their paternal go, nothing to stop you
And you’d do this on your time
If he wants His parents to see the kids, he can arrange that out of his time.

TableFlowerss · 18/08/2020 11:54

Not read the replies but I’m pretty sure there is no legal legislative.

Imo if he wants them to spend time with his parents then he uses his time in which to do so. Your time is your time.

C152H · 18/08/2020 12:04

YANBU. If you've agreed a 50/50 split of time for the children to spend with each parent, then they see extended family when they're with the relevant parent. Grandparents don't get special grandparent time!

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 18/08/2020 12:08

what CallmeAngelina said about the voting - it doesn't make sense.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 18/08/2020 12:10

What is your relationship with them? You could occasionally ask them to babysit? But I'd arrange the directly with them I think since it's on your time?

Floralnomad · 18/08/2020 12:10

His family see the children in his time .

JaggySplinter · 18/08/2020 12:42

Time with his family comes from time when the DC are with him. I say this as someone with a huge and very involved family, who prior to my split with DC's Dad regularly spent more time with DC than their Dad did.

I have an agreement with exH about who has the DC when, and we arrange to see family within that time. It's worked out that in total I've only had 1 week this summer with the DC home with me, because they're also seeing GP, aunts and uncles and cousins. But that's an important part of their holiday time, and come September they will be back home with me again.

Admittedly, my parents will go to public venues (eg sports competitions etc) to watch when the DC are officially with their Dad, but I think this is fine as anyone can go to this type of public event. I don't think I should get more holiday time so my huge extended family can see my DC, and sometimes they will miss our on family holidays.

JaggySplinter · 18/08/2020 12:44

I would also add, that having been the main facilitator of my DC relationship with the paternal extended family, I still stay in touch with my SIL and encourage the DC to write to can call paternal GP as much as they want to.

Original poster
Orcsies · 18/08/2020 12:47

Seems pretty unanimous, thank you.

The children have a close relatioship with the grandparents, so them seeing my children doesn't bother me (I am the DIL from hell for splitting up with my abusive ex, though - the fact they can't see them every Christmas, for example, is because they don't want me there, so I get every other year).

There are no childcare concerns as we both work term-time only and both children are of school age. Neither of us currently pay CM because of the 50/50 split and a reasonably similar salary.

I did not think my argument was unreasonable when I made it clear to the ex that - while I was okay with giving up a few more days with my kids over the next holiday so they can be taken on holiday by their grandparents - I expected to have them at least some of the time.

His argument was that he is not seeing them either and that I am unreasonable not wanting to grant the GPs extra time on top of what I have agreed to. Mine was that I have no obligation to hand the kids over for any extra time (and have no family whom the favour would be returned to) and I'm being generous agreeing to a few extra days, but that a specific event falls on my time and I expect the kids back for that as it is something we all enjoy.

He is now trying to gaslight me again, so it is useful knowing it's not me who is being unreasonable.

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 18/08/2020 12:48

It should come out of his time; if you were happy for them to have the children for say a week if the summer holidays and you and your ex get 2.5 weeks then fine but you don’t have to agree to that. They don’t have the right to expect or demand that

MzHz · 18/08/2020 12:50

You’ve said no. That’s that.

Any further communication gets the Mumsnet fuck off thumbs up emoji only 👍🏻

No matter what he says => 👍🏻

MzHz · 18/08/2020 12:51

Or ignore entirely. He doesn’t deserve anything more

melj1213 · 18/08/2020 12:52

YANBU- his family's time comes out of his 50%, not your time. Do not make any official agreement as it will set a precedent and can make you liable for CMS as it will be classed as your ex having 2/3 and you 1/3. If it was an amicable split there is nothing to stop you being flexible with the odd day/weekend "extra" he gets to allow his family to see your DC. There is also no reason why you cant come to an agreement that if you need adhoc childcare that you contact him first so he can offer the time to his family, but I wouldnt be setting out any official agreement guaranteeing them a specific amount of time.

ExDH and I have an amicable relationship and co-parent DD 50/50 - we each have DD alternate weeks in term time. During the holidays we are more flexible and to accommodate holidays/other plans we tend to "chunk" our time more and we don't worry about it being an exact 50/50 split eg if Exs family are having a big family gathering the day after DD is technically on "my time" I'm more than happy to let her stay that extra day or two. So for the 6 week holiday last year, DD was with her dad for 3 weeks, me for 2 weeks and the other week was split between sleepovers at friends and visiting family. The year before we split it so ExDH had DD for the first 3 weeks and I had her for the last 3 because I had all late work shifts in the first week and then had a 10 day holiday booked for a friends destination wedding so it was easier to split it 3/3. The year before I had DD in Week 1, 4 and 5 and ExDH had her week 2, 3 and 6 to accommodate our plans etc.

Our families are made aware of when we have DD and will arrange with Ex or I if they want to have her for a specific day/weekend but the decision is down to that week's resident parent and comes out of their time, they cant take it from the other parents time without prior permission. Because we both work and need to use childcare occasionally we also agree that we will offer that time to our own family first, if they cant do it then it will be offered to Exs family members on an adhoc basis but those days are never guaranteed.

FannieMae84 · 18/08/2020 12:53

i think he thinks they have 1/3rd parenting rights. he's being an arse. even if you did agree to it, it would not be a standard, normal setup. (which works for some)

Pebblexox · 18/08/2020 12:55

What do you want op?
You are well within your rights to tell him no, and that you want your 50% and that his parents will have to fit their time with the children in his 50%.
If you are happy to do that 33% then that's perfectly acceptable too, but only if the children would be happy with that arrangement.

Chloemol · 18/08/2020 12:56

No, it’s 50/50 so if he chooses to send them to spend time with their grandparents out of his time that’s up to him

Pebblexox · 18/08/2020 12:58

Too add of me and dh were to break up, I would allow his parents to see our dd when they wanted depending on our plans at the time. I agree that often when families split, children don't see grandparents as much as before and I wouldn't want that for my dd having grown up with only one grandparent.
Everybody is different, you just have to do what you're comfortable with.