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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

50/50 time split and grandparents

103 replies

Orcsies · 18/08/2020 09:46

Does anyone know the common and legal stance on this?

We have split time with the kids 50/50 following divorce. His family also want to spend time with the kids, including a decent chunk of the holidays, which is understandable. However, my family are largely deceased and none of the remaining family are the kind to visit or spend time with.

So, is it reasonable of my ex to ask that the split is 33% each during the holidays? So, he gets them 1/3, his family get them 1/3 and I only get the remaining 1/3?

OP posts:
AyeCorona1 · 18/08/2020 10:34

It might be useful for the grandparents to have them for a week over summer OP - but not leaving you not seeing them for 3 weeks. Eg they stay with dad for 2 weeks, then you 2 weeks then one with gp, then whoever parent is next to get them ready for school. But you need to stipulate which weeks so that there is no confusion when it comes to booking holidays.

Other than that, I think it should be 50:50 - school holidays are short enough when you only have half of the time with your dc. If he wants his family to see the kids that should come out of his time, not yours.

altiara · 18/08/2020 10:35

I’d say 50:50, No legal requirement for GPs. but If you can, keep a good relationship with the in laws, so if it would help you in the school holidays, then they could be a support to you as well as to your ex.

MostlyHappyMummy · 18/08/2020 10:36

What a bizarre suggestion
Children should see his family during his 50%
Why on earth would they be given their own share of time?!?

Nonotthisagain · 18/08/2020 10:37

That means you only see your own children a third of the time! No way would I be happy with that.

Be very careful of going along with this, as said above he could pursue you for maintenance as it would be seen as the kids being with him 2/3 of the time. Also if things were to turn nasty and you end up in a custody battle he would be seen as the main carer.

timeisnotaline · 18/08/2020 10:40

Children have (usually) 2 parents. They split holidays 50/50. If your ex’s parents are nice and it would be convenient for you you could let the children stay with them for a week if your time. If you don’t need childcare or they aren’t nice then you don’t, it’s your time with your children and all arrangements for it have to work with you, you have no responsibility towards them. Your ex is their child, he is not your partner anymore and you don’t facilitate his parents contact. That’s his job. Usually done on his time.

BlingLoving · 18/08/2020 10:44

Agree with everyone else - his family see them in his time. However, if it's convenient for you AND good for your children, you could agree to some additional time on an entirely ad hoc basis (ie, nothing concrete and confirmed forever. So, for example you could offer to let exPIL have kids for a long weekend before going back to school but that doesn't mean they have the kids for that weekend every year for the next 10).

CallmeAngelina · 18/08/2020 10:44

@Orcsies

Didn't know voting was enabled, sorry.

YABU - the split should not include the extended family, which should be seen as a separate unit.
YANBU - the split should still be 50/50.

This explanation of the voting does not make sense - both your options here actually mean the same thing?
Bloodylush · 18/08/2020 10:47

It sounds like this is something you want?

2pinkginsplease · 18/08/2020 10:47

Care should be split 50/50 between parents and extended family see the children in that parents contact time. Only fair way to do it.

dontdisturbmenow · 18/08/2020 10:48

I would have loved for my PIL to have offered to look after the kids for 2 weeks of the summer holidays!

Instead, I had no such offer and my ex would only have them for 4 days leaving me with almost 4 weeks of having to pay holiday clubs.

The kids would have much preferred to go to their GPs.

Things never work in our favour!

bathsh3ba · 18/08/2020 10:49

No, that effectively makes them a third parent which opens up all kind of legal cans of worms. They should see the children in his time. If they want, as a one-off, to, for example, take the children away for a week, you can negotiate when that should be but there certainly shouldn't be a three way split arrangement.

My ex-ILs cause me a lot of grief but they've never once suggested they see the children on 'my' time. They see them when they're with their dad.

Bibijayne · 18/08/2020 10:50

Extended family is on his time. Not yours.

AcrobaticCardigan · 18/08/2020 10:51

Time with his parents should absolutely come out of his 50%. The thought that time should be divided equally x3 ways is preposterous. (Unless it suits all involved of course).

romeolovedjulliet · 18/08/2020 10:52

is it possible he's hoping to pay less cms and this a way of getting round it ?

romeolovedjulliet · 18/08/2020 10:53

meant to add or you might end up paying him.

Laaalaaaa · 18/08/2020 10:54

Absolutely not. If you had family that wanted to spend time with your children do you really think he would be happy to settle for you all having 25%? Pretty sure he’d be telling you that they can see them on your time, which is when his family should be seeing them.

Starbuggy · 18/08/2020 10:55

The odd day during your time I probably wouldn’t quibble over if it was otherwise an amicable arrangement, but not 1/3 time to grandparents, even just in school holidays. They’re not their parents, they don’t get equal custody!

FilthyforFirth · 18/08/2020 10:55

I have literally never heard of this before! Of course wider family dont count as their own portion of contact time. It is 50/50 and their time comes out of his. Why would you see your kids less to facilitate people you are no longer related to? No matter how much you like/get on with them.

Sunrise234 · 18/08/2020 10:55

Your family sees them during your time.
His family sees them during his time.
Regardless of how many family members you both have.

If you want DC to see his family or him see your family during both your own time that's fine too but it shouldn't be taken off the other person's time.

Sally872 · 18/08/2020 10:59

If all of you want to do this then it is fine. But you are not obliged to give grandparents 1/3, and grandparents are not obliged to take children 1/3.

unmarkedbythat · 18/08/2020 11:01

Time with his family comes out of his time with the dc. He is BU to ask for the split he has proposed.

purpledagger · 18/08/2020 11:03

I have no experience of this, but my instinct is to agree with many of the other posters. I wouldn't want to stop my children spending time with grandparents, but I wouldn't want to get into an arrangement where it becomes an expectation.

Illdealwithitinaminute · 18/08/2020 11:04

I think people on this thread have indicated that there are concrete reasons why you might be very ill-advised to agree to this split- in terms of maintenance and establishing a precedence.

This is not a common way of doing things and you shouldn't give up 50% time with your children, get a solicitor.

EL8888 · 18/08/2020 11:05

It would be a no from me. 1/3 for you isn’t much! Grandparent contact should come out of his contact. If your parents were around then you and ex would only be getting 1/4 each

OverTheRainbow88 · 18/08/2020 11:16

I would do what suits you better. If it helps you go with the 1/3, if not stick with 50/50 and they see them in Ex’s time.

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