Would this piss you off!?!?

[permgrrrrrrr]

Backstory as follows......!

Been with DP 4 years. I have a 9 yo from another relationship. Last summer we moved in with him but things deteriorated due to his behaviour (sulking/abusive/ generally fun sponge) and 12 weeks later We moved out again and I finished it. I wavered and we got back together again and Since then DC and I have been back with my parents (over an hour away) and we started going back to weekend visits as we had done before. I am so uncertain I really want this relationship but I'm just not sure.

Then the virus and lockdown hit. We haven't seen each other since jan now. In the last month we've really disconnected to the point where it was virtually ended. Yesterday I had a nostalgic moment and we were talking etc as we used to and I said to him I was booking Harry Potter tour in October and did he want to join us. He made lots of correct noises, said he'd seen some events we should have gone to this weekend and it'd be good if we could see each other this week to which I agreed.

Today I messaged him to say I was booking and should I get him a ticket to which he say actually no, he didn't want to drive down (never been a problem before) and was worried about the crowds. Sorry but no.

Now, if everything was fine and dandy this wouldn't be an issue, but we are seriously on the crux of splitting and contrary to what he says, he doesn't seem that fussed!!

Oh I suspect IABU but needed to vent. Sorry everyone!!

Sorry, in my view you haven't seen him since January so you aren't together anymore. Find someone else to go with, he sounds like a pain anyway.

You’re not in a relationship. So don’t invest anymore and look for someone who accepts you and your child as you are.

You've basically told us he's unpleasant and uninteresting.

You don't like him, you don't want him. What is the point?

He is convinced that nothing has changed for him and it shouldn't make a difference but I feel like the first olive branch and he can't be arsed to take it!

Why are you wasting time with this man? Quit while you're behind (or ahead really, because hes not the one for you, is he? Mans a loser)
Is this the dating example you want to set for your dd?

You are not a couple anymore

Sorry it’s gone this way, but look at it from a positive angle. You may have continued to see each other throughout this time to find out it was all a waste and he was never really into the relationship. I know it probably doesn’t help, but keep positive and let it fade out now, he’s not worth chasing with that attitude.

@merryhouse I stay lingering on because I loved him at one point and we do have fun when we're together. But I've really struggled to get past everything that happened last year.

Harry Potter tour must surely be with your child? FGS stop dragging them into this! I really hope that the “we” visiting on weekends meant you and him - but it does sound like you and child.

If you want to play on again off again with this man, go ahead and waste your time - but stop dragging your child into it!

Stop letting this fool dip In and out of your child’s life.

You haven't seen him since January??

Why would you want a 'fun sponge' you haven't seen since January to spend a day with you and your child?

Thank you all. I'll certainly take your comments on board, you are reiterating what I already know.

For those who made reference to my child, I did everything right with how this progressed. I waited to introduce them, took it so slowly, waited three years to move in etc. He is not the man I thought he was and I have been very, very careful to try and mitigate any effect on her.

If I was to go back to how he wants it, me going every weekend etc, this relationship would probably last for years. It is me that has the issue.
Yes I probably shouldn't have called him a fun sponge, that was unfair.

Even if he changes his mind don't have him tagging along and spoiling a fun, special day out for your Dd. If you're really not sure if you want to completely leave the relationship. Then meet up as a couple alone and talk it through. Although why you're considering when you moved out due to his shit behaviour, I do not know.

Book the Harry Potter your for just you and your DC.
It sounded like the relationship finished a long time ago but even if it does start up again then you can still go just you and your DC.
I think you’re more into him than he is you. Has he made much effort to see you these past few months?

@MrsJBaptiste

Sorry, in my view you haven't seen him since January so you aren't together anymore. Find someone else to go with, he sounds like a pain anyway.

This is spot on.

You hadn't seen each other for 2 months when lockdown started, so you've been split since then really. Lockdown has been eased for a couple of months now - if you were together you'd have seen each other.

@Catsup I got back with him because he made me feel the issues I raised weren't a fair judgment of living together and I hadn't allowed for readjustment and I was too hasty. My head has been everywhere in the last year.

You haven’t been “very very careful” to mitigate the effect on her, when you are inviting a man who was sulky and abusive in her home, whom she won’t know if you’re on or off with (as you don’t seem to know yourself!), whom she hasn’t seen in 6 months, on your family day out!

You didn’t a great thing ending it and moving out quickly when you saw the real him. For you and for her.

Don’t undo that by dragging her into the shit show now!

Yes I know @Ellisandra, I'm feeling like a crap mother quite well now thank you. I'm clearly a stupid, stupid woman and I cannot get things right. I really can't. I'm trying but it isn't good enough.

You need to give your child some stability in his/her life .
Your last post suggests that your ex is still trying to blame you. However, it sounds like you still haven’t got over’ him.
You need to think about your child, here , and maybe think about your self-esteem.
You and your child do not need this.

He was never violent or even shouted, he was always great with her. He sulked and refused to speak to me if I did something wrong. He wouldn't let me put the heating on when it was cold as it cost money or spend 5p on carrier bags.
Nothing that clearly you can say 'abuse' but nothing that makes you happy either. Enough to leave you doubting yourself.

Why would you say you can’t get things right?
You did!
You moved out and broke it off after 12 weeks.
Do you have any idea how many people would have tried (wrongly) for longer? Tried to convince themselves because it feels embarrassing to move in then out again, or practically it’s daunting if you’ve moved in?
But you still moved out.
Like I said: you did a great thing, for you and your child.

You weren’t stupid then, you’re not a stupid person now. But it would be a stupid thing to start dragging him back into your daughter’s life.

Sulking and refusing to talk to you when you do something that’s wrong, according to him.

Yet you say nothing that’s clearly abuse. Have you looked up any websites about abuse? Because I expect you’ll find exactly that sort of behaviour given as examples!

Please don’t doubt yourself. You judged him correctly when you left.

Why do you love him? He doesn’t sound loveable and he didn’t treat you very well when you lived together.

If your daughter is the most important thing to you you’ll tell this man to take a hike.

@Ellisandra he confuses my head. He says things haven't changed for him and I've altered. I have - I've gone back to college and am doing access, I've lost 4 stone and I feel like me again - but he says I haven't discussed things like changing career with him.