Would this piss you off!?!?

[permgrrrrrrr]

Backstory as follows......!

Been with DP 4 years. I have a 9 yo from another relationship. Last summer we moved in with him but things deteriorated due to his behaviour (sulking/abusive/ generally fun sponge) and 12 weeks later We moved out again and I finished it. I wavered and we got back together again and Since then DC and I have been back with my parents (over an hour away) and we started going back to weekend visits as we had done before. I am so uncertain I really want this relationship but I'm just not sure.

Then the virus and lockdown hit. We haven't seen each other since jan now. In the last month we've really disconnected to the point where it was virtually ended. Yesterday I had a nostalgic moment and we were talking etc as we used to and I said to him I was booking Harry Potter tour in October and did he want to join us. He made lots of correct noises, said he'd seen some events we should have gone to this weekend and it'd be good if we could see each other this week to which I agreed.

Today I messaged him to say I was booking and should I get him a ticket to which he say actually no, he didn't want to drive down (never been a problem before) and was worried about the crowds. Sorry but no.

Now, if everything was fine and dandy this wouldn't be an issue, but we are seriously on the crux of splitting and contrary to what he says, he doesn't seem that fussed!!

Oh I suspect IABU but needed to vent. Sorry everyone!!

It doesn't sound like you are a couple anymore sorry OP

Well done! It sounds like you're doing really well without him.

Have you heard about the Freedom Programme? I don’t know the details but lots of ladies on here recommend it. My friend did it, and found it very useful for helping her to see that actually yes, her ex was abusive and no, it wasn’t her fault.

Sounds like you’re on the up, and don’t need him dragging you down.

Go buy a 5p carrier bag and think, “fuck you!”

He’s an abusive bore- you’ve said as much yourself. Luckily for you and your daughter it seems like it’s over as you haven’t seen him since January. Perfect time to cut your losses and sack him off.

Sulking.
Refusing to speak to you if you did something wrong.
Not letting you put heating on as too expensive.
Not letting you spend 5p on a carrier bag.

These are ALL forms of abuse. Abuse comes in many forms. Do not reconnect with this man he will bring nothing to your life and even less to your daughters.

And a man who doesn't even live with you has no right to expect you to run your life decisions past him. You're well rid - you will thrive away from this loser.

As someone who grew up in a domestic violence home it wasn’t only the physical violence that was an issue. The silent tension, sulking and walking on egg shells were in some ways worse and it has definitely affected me even now well into adulthood.

So you being away from this man is the best thing for your DC - even if he wasn’t physically violent.

He was never violent or even shouted, he was always great with her.

No he wasn't because he treated her mother poorly including:

He sulked and refused to speak to me if I did something wrong. He wouldn't let me put the heating on when it was cold as it cost money or spend 5p on carrier bags.

So presumably he was happy for your daughter to be cold rather than turn the heating on. Abusive.

Nothing that clearly you can say 'abuse' but nothing that makes you happy either. Enough to leave you doubting yourself.

It is clearly abusive objectively but because you've been too close to it I know that's hard to see.

You owe it to your daughter to absolutely cut this man out of both of your lives, because he isn't bothered and you're extending olive branches to an abuser with a view to reuniting with him. That's absolutely not in her best interest at all.

I would definitely look into the freedom programme to stop this happening again and to be able to look back on the relationship with a clear head, identifying the abuse so you know you cannot get back together.

Side note, Harry Potter makes everything better - look forward to doing stuff like that with your girl. She deserves that not an emotionally vampiric dementor like this man in her life.

Don't subject your child to this man anymore.

Thank you all. Of course you are right and I have to trust myself more.

Yes I've heard of the freedom programme and I am going to sign up for it.

[quote permgrrrrrrr]@Ellisandra he confuses my head. He says things haven't changed for him and I've altered. I have - I've gone back to college and am doing access, I've lost 4 stone and I feel like me again - but he says I haven't discussed things like changing career with him. [/quote]
It's got exactly fuck all to do with him.

Just block and move on.

What you’ve described doesn’t sound like a relationship where 2 people love and respect each other. Move on, life’s too short.

I don't think you are a crap mother OP. Surely no one can say that based on a small snippet of your life.

In terms of the DP, have you communicated your feelings to him? Does he know that it's kinda last chance saloon? I always say go with your gut, it sounds like you're not over how things were last year and you've kinda checked out - which is good! Less heartache and should be easier to deal with.

Agree with others, take your DS to the event and if you've had enough, cut your losses with your dp.

He was abusive the first time round why even waste your time when you haven’t seen him since January? What does your DS think of him?

You may like him and love him, but if the test of fire, living together, did not work, and so quickly, I think it will never work as a fully committed relationship.
Sorry OP

You've already broken up if you haven't seen eachother since january. Stop clinging to this man. Also for the sake of your kid

Move on. You need to value yourself more highly.

Ditch the selfish prick, put all this energy into your kid, you will get over him

i get you couldnt see him in lockdown but that part ended nearly 2 months ago also didnt start till march so why didnt u see him before that

No way would I be inviting a fun sponge on a day out with my child - he sounds a complete PITA - see if your child wants to take a mate instead and all have a splendid time

he says I haven't discussed things like changing career with him.

As PP's said. It's up to you what career you have, you don't have to ask for 'permission.'

You're better off without this guy.

I had a good time on the Freedom Programme, it can be good if you're in the right frame of mind. At the moment I'm a bit taken up by therapy, so I don't want to do the FP as well right now (that's just where I am at the moment.) But when I was doing it IRL I loved it. You can meet some lovely, supportive women through it too.

Stop wasting your time on him. He's not worth it. You know that. Block him on everything and move on.

I hope you have a lovely day with your DD and don't give him another thought. There is someone better out there somewhere.

That was clearly emotional abuse. Don't let your children anywhere near him again!

Block his number and enjoy the rest of the summer.