AIBU to not want my 9 year old to share a room with a 14 year old girl....

[standingupfornonsense]

My ex husband has taken our two boys on holiday with his girlfriend and daughter. Our two are 7 & 9. Her daughter is 14. They have been together around 4 months and don't live together. They've not had sleepovers etc either from what the boys have said.

They have gone away today and are staying in a caravan with a double room and 2 twin rooms. Our youngest is having a room on his own and our eldest they have shared with her daughter.

I know this is for just a holiday but given there is the option of the brothers sharing and the daughter having her own room but aibu to expect them not to share a room?????

I don't know his girlfriend or the daughter. Their dad is a narcissistic prick who doesn't communicate. He has also brought the 9 year old a mobile phone with no consultation but that's a separate issue!!!!

Thoughts?

Yeah possibly. The boys get on abs don't fight so not sure why they would separate them. We was away the other week and they shared a room perfectly well together .

@Freddiefox I KNOW what I said.

My point about the daughter was that OTHER PEOPLE had said that about the girl but apparently only my comment was deemed ‘typical Mumsnet’. Actually it’s based in my own experience of holidaying in a caravan with three boys but whatever.

Anyway, I apologise for being abrasive. I’ve had a really upsetting stressful day and it felt like you were picking on me to make an example of an inoffensive comment. That doesn’t excuse my outburst.

OP YANBU.

Imagine of the genders were the other way round 😱😳.. I would not be happy with this however I'm sure my d s 11 would be very happy with the situation😏😂 , they are not related tell your ex you will be collecting them if he doesn't switch the rooms!

They are 4.5 hours drive away and I only know the resort they are staying in not the actual caravan park....

My 14 DD wouldn’t be impressed sharing with an almost stranger. She’d share with her own younger brother if needed.

Surprised the mother of the fourteen year old hasn't said something herself. She sounds classy sending a photo of her tits btw

I have finally after 4 days I have spoken to the boys. my youngest said on the call why can’t we share with (the daughter) I said it’s because you’re not siblings and it’s inappropriate and EXH said why and I said the guidance says that and he said well if it’s only guidance it’s fine then.....

If you live in a council house, I don't think they allow related children of the opposite sex of these ages to share a room. I'm sure it wouldn't be allowed between non-related children.

Permanent bedrooms is a bit different to a caravan holiday.

The children won’t understand the reasons for the guidance, as shown by your younger child’s question, why can’t we share with the daughter

Maybe a good idea not to mention it again as he appears to be goading. Sounds like he thinks he is never wrong and has taken this as an opportunity to annoy the crap out of you by doing the opposite. He likely is using this as an opportunity to make out to children that you are worrying needlessly and this proves he is right that you are ,,,,,blah blah blah blah blah

Take away the ammunition and give him zero comments from now on and focus on chatting with your children about other things as they are too young to understand and blinded by the adults in charge idiocy

Meanwhile it is so difficult for you to know that appropriate boundaries are not respected with this arrogant idiot in charge. Screenshot his message regarding refusing to respect guidelines in case he continues to be a moronic idiot and you need proof this is a long time pattern of behaviour.

It's 2020 so it makes as much sense as everything this year

He said to Youngest that’s enough you are aggravating her...!!!! I said he isn’t aggravating me

He's said it on the phone not in any messages.

I will speak to them both once they are home.

I'm not allowed to speak to them until the weekend now apparently either.

You should be allowed to contact them whenever you want. Why would he try stopping you from speaking to them?

Up until today I hasn't spoke to them since Sunday afternoon. Despite my eldest been given a phone. I have called / text - it's just gets ignored.

He really is a piece of work

He does it to upset me

You should be allowed to contact them whenever you want.

Which would set a precedent to allow her ex to contact them whenever he wanted too, even if it isnt convenient or the OP doesn't want them to.

When my DD is with her dad (every other week) I don't instigate contact as that is her dad's time with her so if I am constantly calling/texting then I am encroaching on their contact time and, other than school and extra curriculars which are the same every week and parties/appointments that are in our shared calender, I have no idea what DD and her dad do on her weeks with him until she comes home and tells me about it. She can always contact me if she wants as she has a mobile but I only respond when she calls/messages first and its the same when DD is with me, she can contact her dad any time but she instigates the conversation, he doesnt just call her all the time as we respect the others time with her.

Why would he try stopping you from speaking to them?

Perhaps as a power play and because it upsets the OP but equally because it seems that the OP wants to try and change how he is doing things on his holiday and perhaps he wants to limit that and how much she is checking up on them.

It would appear that the children have no issue with the arrangement as they are asking the OP why she has an issue with it. It is not the case that they are upset/uncomfortable and have asked her to advocate (if it was then I would totally agree that the OP should be contacting her Ex to sort it out), it is the OP deciding that she doesnt like what her Ex is doing and so is going to try and make them do things how she wants. As difficult as it is though, it is her Exs time with their DC and as long as they are all happy with the arrangements and the children are not at risk of harm, he has no obligation to acquiesce to the OPs requests to change his holiday arrangements.

I feel sorry for the 14 year old girl in this, there's no way I'd have wanted to share a room with one of my younger brothers at that age, let alone a boy I barely knew.

You really should be staying out of this, it is none of your business.

I imagine he is doing what he thinks is best.

I can think of a few 'innocent' explanations.

1. one of the boys likes to sleep with the light on, the other doesn't
2. 14 year old is left babysitting while the parents are socialising and it's easier for her to split them while she watches TV, plays on her phone etc and they will be asleep before she goes to bed
3. two excited little boys not going to sleep when sharing
4. The girl really gets on with one boy and wants to share

I think that given his history, he is likely to be doing it to upset you, instead of just having a fun holiday, he’s also doing things to rock the boat. If this is so, as difficult as it is, your power is in always expecting something like this and in never ever taking the bait.

Leave him to it, don’t react to whatever set up, whatever gifts are given that you have zero control over, unless a clear safety risk.

The 14 year old and your 9 year old could be fine and dandy together, just you wouldn’t choose a room together on holiday, when they could have option to share with siblings. In the end you would also have bought 9 year old a mobile , just not this soon.

You can look at some fair boundaries on when 9 year old can use his phone, but at the same time, you can share in his excitement, not be party pooper like exhusband hopes.

It will always be something with an ex like him, but he will find he can’t win if you can quickly rise above any conflict in parenting.
The children will often move on very quickly from any issues, so long as you find a way to do so, too.

Just be happy it’s his girlfriend who has to deal with him 24/7 , none of you have that problem.

Thank you - really sound advice!