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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is he just being friendly or does he like like me

67 replies

lookingforamindatwork · 17/08/2020 14:30

I have only ever been with one guy, who is now my husband, so I have no experience really to help me tell if this guy is being a good friend or if he likes me more than that.

for the record, I am only interested in being a friend with him as I am married. I have had bad experiences with friends letting me down though so maybe I'm just not used to people being this nice?

The guy in question is an older man I know through work although he's doesn't work in my organisation. He's about 15 years older than me and without being too outing about how we know each other, I think the best comparison is that he is a mentor to me. He advises me, supports me, encourages me professionally. He has helped me work through some work problems and helped build my confidence. Helped me prepare for promotion etc. I've known him about 2 years now.

I'll list some of the things that have been said and done that have made me wonder if he sees me as a bit more than a friend:

about a month or two after we met, he sent me an email along the lines of "this is off the record but I really admire you and think you are an incredible young woman"

On the phone about a week ago, he started by saying "I always look forward to our chats" then at the end of the conversation he said "Did you believe what I said earlier"

At one of our meetings, he arrived, made a picture frame with his hands and said "what a gorgeous photo"

He gave me his personal phone number.

He has mentioned a few times being straight and single

He has opened up about his care responsibilities for his mother and his history of addiction (now clean) and his weight loss, gym attendance, golf hobby, guitar playing, introduced me to his cat (on zoom) and says his cat likes me....

remembered things about me that I didn't think were all that important

Meetings regularly over run - we talk for 2 hours instead of 1

Introduced me to work friends of his

Asked me to conferences and events where he is a key speaker, asked me to sit on the panel - this could be simply work related or maybe he wants to see more of me?

Sent me text messages saying "you are amazing" after meetings where I've given presentations but again could this be a work related compliment?

Said "its good to see you laugh and smile, you have a lovely smile"

There are a few more examples like the above but as I said, I struggle to know if he's just being nice and trying to build my confidence as that's part of his job, or if this is a bit more than that? There have been times where I've needed his advice on things and haven't heard back from him which is another reason why I wonder if I'm just getting the wrong idea.

I really like this guy as a friend but I don't want anything romantic with him. I worry that he's only being nice because he has to be? Our mentor relationship is coming to an end but he has said "you'll always have me". I hope so, but as a friend!

What does everyone else think, is he just being friendly? Is this how friends normally behave towards a friend of the opposite sex? Cause if he does like me for other reasons then I'd be sad if that damaged our friendship.

YABU - he's just being nice
YANBU - he fancies me

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 17/08/2020 14:30

You need to start reporting him to HR.

bridgetreilly · 17/08/2020 14:32

Well, okay maybe not quite yet. But you do not need his personal phone number and he needs to start backing off with the comments. Next time you have a meeting, make sure it finishes on time and stays focussed on work. Shut down the other stuff asap.

UnfinishedSymphon · 17/08/2020 14:34

@bridgetreilly

You need to start reporting him to HR.
This
Krazynights34 · 17/08/2020 14:35

To be honest he sounds like he is grooming you to have an affair/sexual encounter.
He is not a nice guy.
He is creepy.
He is pushing your boundaries to see what you will accept and then pushes some more.
Do you have records of any of things he has written to you: keep it!
And I suggest speaking to your manager if you cannot report him to HR.
This is sleaze on toast!!

PermaStress · 17/08/2020 14:35

It all just sounds like he's trying to be a good mentor to me. Overkeen, but still in mentor not fancying category Confused

Ask him (plus one) to dinner or drinks and make it clear your husband is coming if you're not sure.

WhoWouldHaveThoughtThat · 17/08/2020 14:36

I think this is called 'grooming'

Original poster
lookingforamindatwork · 17/08/2020 14:37

I'm not used to being complimented by people other than my DH or family. Its very nice and I'd like it to continue, I just worry that it's only being done because a, he fancies me or b, he has to.

OP posts:
chargeorge · 17/08/2020 14:38

I'll assume that he know you're happily married and not interested in being unfaithful? I think yes he is acting in a more affectionate way than "just a friend" would ever be but it doesn't sound as though he's been physical at all. You need to make it clear to him that, although you're happy to be a friend, you are married and that you're not looking for more than friendship. Have you said anything to your husband?

LittleRed53 · 17/08/2020 14:38

The 'gorgeous photo' and 'lovely smile' comments, IMO, definitely indicate admiration that is personal/romantic rather than professional/friendly.

The constant long extensions on your meetings also indicates he really enjoys your company, to an extent that would make me uncomfortable if I were in your shoes. Like he's using work-related things to maximise every opportunity to spend time with you.

LuluBellaBlue · 17/08/2020 14:39

I'd be setting clear boundaries with this man

Original poster
lookingforamindatwork · 17/08/2020 14:40

wow just seen the reports above?

Grooming? really? That never occurred to me Confused

I was torn between him being a really good friend or fancying me

But then again I have little experience of romantic relationships other than my DH.

He doesn't work for our organisation so can't report to HR. We became connected in another way (which would be v outing if I said) but he has helped me professionally.

OP posts:
Original poster
lookingforamindatwork · 17/08/2020 14:40

*replies not reports!

OP posts:
Original poster
lookingforamindatwork · 17/08/2020 14:42

He knows I'm married. In our most recent zoom call (today). I said my husband and I were planning a staycation break for later this month. So I did drop it into conversation today (and have mentioned it a few times prior). He also knows I have children.

OP posts:
frustrationcentral · 17/08/2020 14:42

@lookingforamindatwork

wow just seen the reports above?

Grooming? really? That never occurred to me Confused

I was torn between him being a really good friend or fancying me

But then again I have little experience of romantic relationships other than my DH.

He doesn't work for our organisation so can't report to HR. We became connected in another way (which would be v outing if I said) but he has helped me professionally.

Sometimes it's hard to see what's going on when it's happening to you, often an outsider spots it first
Original poster
lookingforamindatwork · 17/08/2020 14:43

He also knows the name of my best friend who he's never met. apparently he and my best friend have a mutual friend....bit random I did think at the time.

(sorry for all the posts)

OP posts:
frustrationcentral · 17/08/2020 14:43

@lookingforamindatwork

He also knows the name of my best friend who he's never met. apparently he and my best friend have a mutual friend....bit random I did think at the time.

(sorry for all the posts)

How does he know that? Are you friends on social media?
toetheline20 · 17/08/2020 14:44

“At one of our meetings, he arrived, made a picture frame with his hands and said "what a gorgeous photo”

OP what did you do when this happened?! I would have been struggling not to laugh. It’s like something David Brent from The Office would do.

knittingaddict · 17/08/2020 14:45

So you would like the nice compliments to continue? You haven't made it clear in your posts if you would back away if he did fancy you and to be honest it sounds as if you relish the attention a bit too much. Affair on the horizon then?

OldEvilOwl · 17/08/2020 14:45

It comes across as really creepy. Throw in a few comments about being happily married and see how he reacts. I would back off a bit if I was you OP

user1493413286 · 17/08/2020 14:47

Umm that stuff is not appropriate for someone at your work. Turning it around if a woman text you saying you were amazing would you not find that strange? I think there’s a good chance that if you take a step back he may get nasty so I’d be making a record of all this ready for HR.

knittingaddict · 17/08/2020 14:49

I don't think it's easy to manage a friendship or work relation when one of you fancies the other. Boundaries can become too blurred and resolve melt away. In my opinion you have a act early and decisively to stamp on this and stop it getting messy.

Original poster
lookingforamindatwork · 17/08/2020 14:57

I think I smiled and laughed when he said 'gorgeous photo'.

We are not friends on social media and I have tight security settings.

I've talked about my marriage and kids from day 1 so he's well aware I'm married. I threw it into the conversation in our zoom call today and it may have been my imagination but his face seemed to drop.

I don't want an affair! I like the compliments because I am really not used to getting compliments from anyone other than DH. I got very badly bullied throughout school and even in some workplaces so my self confidence is quite low. Hence why I'm confused as to whether he's simply trying to build my confidence or if there is more to it.

I know people on here probably think I'm stupid but I have little experience of people flirting with me so I really wouldn't know. And I've very little experience of people simply being nice to me so I wouldn't know that either!

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 17/08/2020 14:58

He also knows the name of my best friend who he's never met.

Wow.
He's been checking you out on social media hasn't he? with all the other details listed one or two could be co-incidence but all together it starts to look very inappropriate and I think that the compliments may have distracted you from seeing that.

Also what @LittleRed53 said.

He seems fixated on you - more than a mentor should be - whilst from what you've said you don't seem to be showing him that it bothers you - he could take that to claim you are encouraging him. You should be more careful.

Glitterandunicorns · 17/08/2020 14:59

He definitely fancies you, OP. In saying that, I completely agree with the others above who have said this is not appropriate. I would agree that it's grooming, and I would definitely say he seems to be abusing a position of authority he has over you.

The thing about him knowing who your best friend is is weird. How on earth has he figured that out?

I suggest that a good way to figure out if someone is being friendly or overstepping things is to consider how you would feel if someone was saying this stuff to your significant other.

I think the advice you've had further up the thread to establish boundaries is excellent. Keep your meetings to an hour. Make sure they stay work related.

If you feel uncomfortable about anything he says or does, don't be afraid to challenge it. I know this can feel really unpleasant to have to do this, but you can do it politely by saying "I'd prefer that you didn't comment on my appearance". Don't worry about seeming rude; he isn't worrying about whether you're comfortable with his behaviour.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 17/08/2020 15:01

Crossed post. I don't think people think you are being stupid, but rather that he is overstepping his mentoring role. That is not your fault. Its his.