Is he just being friendly or does he like like me

[lookingforamindatwork]

I have only ever been with one guy, who is now my husband, so I have no experience really to help me tell if this guy is being a good friend or if he likes me more than that.

for the record, I am only interested in being a friend with him as I am married. I have had bad experiences with friends letting me down though so maybe I'm just not used to people being this nice?

The guy in question is an older man I know through work although he's doesn't work in my organisation. He's about 15 years older than me and without being too outing about how we know each other, I think the best comparison is that he is a mentor to me. He advises me, supports me, encourages me professionally. He has helped me work through some work problems and helped build my confidence. Helped me prepare for promotion etc. I've known him about 2 years now.

I'll list some of the things that have been said and done that have made me wonder if he sees me as a bit more than a friend:

about a month or two after we met, he sent me an email along the lines of "this is off the record but I really admire you and think you are an incredible young woman"

On the phone about a week ago, he started by saying "I always look forward to our chats" then at the end of the conversation he said "Did you believe what I said earlier"

At one of our meetings, he arrived, made a picture frame with his hands and said "what a gorgeous photo"

He gave me his personal phone number.

He has mentioned a few times being straight and single

He has opened up about his care responsibilities for his mother and his history of addiction (now clean) and his weight loss, gym attendance, golf hobby, guitar playing, introduced me to his cat (on zoom) and says his cat likes me....

remembered things about me that I didn't think were all that important

Meetings regularly over run - we talk for 2 hours instead of 1

Introduced me to work friends of his

Asked me to conferences and events where he is a key speaker, asked me to sit on the panel - this could be simply work related or maybe he wants to see more of me?

Sent me text messages saying "you are amazing" after meetings where I've given presentations but again could this be a work related compliment?

Said "its good to see you laugh and smile, you have a lovely smile"

There are a few more examples like the above but as I said, I struggle to know if he's just being nice and trying to build my confidence as that's part of his job, or if this is a bit more than that? There have been times where I've needed his advice on things and haven't heard back from him which is another reason why I wonder if I'm just getting the wrong idea.

I really like this guy as a friend but I don't want anything romantic with him. I worry that he's only being nice because he has to be? Our mentor relationship is coming to an end but he has said "you'll always have me". I hope so, but as a friend!

What does everyone else think, is he just being friendly? Is this how friends normally behave towards a friend of the opposite sex? Cause if he does like me for other reasons then I'd be sad if that damaged our friendship.

YABU - he's just being nice
YANBU - he fancies me

@lookingforamindatwork

I think I smiled and laughed when he said 'gorgeous photo'.

We are not friends on social media and I have tight security settings.

I've talked about my marriage and kids from day 1 so he's well aware I'm married. I threw it into the conversation in our zoom call today and it may have been my imagination but his face seemed to drop.

I don't want an affair! I like the compliments because I am really not used to getting compliments from anyone other than DH. I got very badly bullied throughout school and even in some workplaces so my self confidence is quite low. Hence why I'm confused as to whether he's simply trying to build my confidence or if there is more to it.

I know people on here probably think I'm stupid but I have little experience of people flirting with me so I really wouldn't know. And I've very little experience of people simply being nice to me so I wouldn't know that either!

Does he know your background with the bullying etc? I feel he's taking advantage of you

When he says something along the lines of lovely photo etc. Say he reminds you of your Dad, he used to say old-fashioned things like that.

Your first few point seemed fairly innocuous but the list just went on and on and some points are less “normal”. Ask yourself, if this was a woman would they say the same thing? For context, my assistant has told me she thinks I’m beautiful several times, but I put it down to the fact she’s based in India so maybe it’s less of a strange thing to say to your boss...! But that’s the exception of a woman saying something unusually appearance driven and it definitely took me aback.

Whoa. Take a step back people! How much older is this guy? If he is 55 plus I'd say that he may have been used to a totally different way of office working (not an excuse just the way he is used to being). I started in a big office in the 80s and none of those comments would have raised an eyebrow, though maybe a few eye rolls. If the guy is around 40 he should know better and is being inappropriate. In either case, you need to tell him you'd like to keep things purely professional the next time he pays you a compliment, keep your meetings to the time agreed, and be less personal in your interactions with him.
I don't see this as 'grooming' - that is surely for a much more vulnerable and naive person which I'm sure you are not.

Yes he knows about the bullying background. He knows quite a lot about the challenges I've had at work and in education around bullying as that's partly how he became a mentor of sorts. he has supported me to grow and develop and build my confidence. I just wasn't sure if it was starting to become a bit more than that now. Hopefully we can backtrack a bit and go back to keeping it friendly and professional.

Yes he fancies you, but not a in a nice potential relationship way, but more in a creepy, get a shag type way. Yuk - he's exploiting you by pretending to help your career whilst he gets off on it.

I would be thanking him for his help and cutting him off. You seem lovely, but naive, so please be careful and concentrate on your relationship with you husband.

I had someone who did odd little things like this. I ended up avoiding him.

Crossed post. I don't think people think you are being stupid, but rather that he is overstepping his mentoring role. That is not your fault. Its his.

^This with bells on. He's actually being quite creepy.

IMHO men like this won't be put off by knowing you're married and it does sound to me like he's overstepping. The fact you're having to think about whether he is probably indicates you do know that sub-consciously too.
I would do my best to distance myself from him personally. He won't just stop over time so you'll need to actively step away.

The knowing your best friend's name inexplicably, the photo frame with his hands comment, and the smile remark are all things that would concern HR.

OP, I’m the first poster who said this is grooming.
It might be because it’s happened to me that I can see it this way.
I’m not going to make this about me but I’ll tell you my story briefly:
My DD is disabled and her consultant at our local hospital was a) younger than me by at least 5 years b) is married to a man c) saw me with my husband at every appointment bar the last two when he went on to assault me d) was funny and friendly and never seemed vaguely flirty e) knew I wasn’t the classic vulnerable/naive type (I have a PhD and am pretty feisty but.. I also have had a tragic life with my first DD dying so I’m susceptible to kindness).
My husband never thought he was being flirty either.
But, he’d also taken a picture of me and kept it for two years.. and like I say, eventually assaulted me (not rape but he trapped me between his legs with my child on my lap and stroked me and a number of other things).
I reported him but the hospital didn’t believe me...probably because of his assumed sexual orientation but possibly also because I delayed reporting it.
I can’t say for sure, as no-one here can’t that he definitely fancies you but he has absolutely no reason to being saying and doing what he is doing and saying because unless he lives in 1980 permanently he’ll know full well he is being disrespectful to you and slimy to the point he could get someone else reporting him.
I mean, telling someone your sexual orientation and marital status can be a form of sexual harassment.
I can’t see how a man in a position of power to mentor you could possibly be unaware of the potential impact on you.
I could be wrong but - the consultant in my case has caused me serious mental health problems, made additional problems in my marriage and strained my family relations and friendships.
All I’m saying is don’t be me!
I’d say chat to your manager about this and/or state your boundaries clearly.

He sounds like an absolute slime. He's creepy, patronising, has no boundaries and I can almost see him lick his lips as he eyes you up like the wolf in Little Red Hood, waiting to pounce as soon as you give him the green light. As an OP said, he's not paying you a genuine respectful compliment. He's grooming you. Stop feeling flattered by his attentions, it could lead you down a road you do not want to travel.

You seem to like the flattery a bit to much, you're playing with fire and he comes across as a creep. You're probably not the only one tbh. Don't think you'd like your dh being in this situation, posting a thread on MN and him saying he hopes it continues....

BTW its too risky you being friends with him if you want to stay married. You're swooning imo, you really are

I'll take a step back and be more alert.

If he doesn't work in the same company as you or in a position of authority such as a regulator, and you are a mature adult and not a starry-eyed 22 year old, I fail to see how it is 'grooming'. Ffs do we always need to be victims?

However he is clearly a creep, and if I were in your shoes I'd start holding the conversations to time, not acknowledging the comments on your appearance and generally disengaging - sounds like there is a natural end point right now anyway.

I agree that being married won’t make any difference to him as he’s not after a relationship - sounds a lot like he’s buttering you up to get you into bed or slightly more charitably, to get you to fall for him so he can use that as a massive ego boost.

This is going to sound harsh, but have you done anything to encourage? I don’t mean that in a horrid way, you’ve you’ve said you like all his compliments and want them to continue. I find that a really strange comment to be honest. If someone was speaking to me as a married woman and not interested then I would have ignored all complements and eventually said to this guy ‘thanks but let’s stick to work, shall we?’

You need to put a stop to it, either by telling him straight or asking for a new mentor.

*compliments

No I don't think I have done anything to encourage it. Maybe I haven't done enough to discourage it. As I said above, I've had some people really destroy my confidence so I guess that's why I welcome the compliments. I guess I saw it as someone finally being nice to me, or at least I wanted to see it that way, hence why I posted on here. I guess I was wrong

Is he mentoring you in a work capacity or a more personal thing?
How did you become acquainted?

Does your DH compliment you?

I mean was he allocated to you at work, or is his mentoring something that's developed?

Report to HR? Grooming? Ffs seriously some on here really go ott

This man clearly likes you OP and some of his actions would lead me to think more than just a friend. Not all his actions though so I can see where the confusion comes from.

Next time he does anything overtly flirty, such as the picture frame thing (cringe) or mentions a beautiful smile etc. try and laugh it off or put it down in a friendly way. E.g 'thanks so many people mention my smile' or 'yeah DH loves my smile too'

He might (low chance but still) not mean these things in a flirty way (some men are just like that, just as some women are 'flirty' as their personality) but you need to figure this out in time. Try pushing back gently when he offers overt complements which aren't work related (for example the comments about you being amazing after a work thing I consider normal and get myself and give myself to colleagues) and see how that goes

A bit of both to be honest. He doesn't work for the organisation but the organisation know about and support our mentoring relationship. Trying not to be outing (and it would be very outing to be more specific). I think mentor is the closest description though.