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Original poster

DM constantly calling my DD a pretty,good girl

76 replies

blanche85 · 17/08/2020 09:37

My DM remarks constantly on my DDs appearance - saying how pretty she is. Also has a weird thing about saying how 'don't she is,like it's some kind of compliment or is cute or something....she's perfectly average size and weight!

Also tells her to 'be a good girl'. It really irritates me!

Also whenever we talk,she ALWAYS comments on her hair or what product she's tried to tame it's apparent frizziness. She straightens her hair religiously and won't go out in rain God forbid it gets wet.

These things are mentioned without fail in every conversation.

Would it bother you? What can I really with?

Thank you

OP posts:
chargeorge · 17/08/2020 09:41

I'm not sure I understand the phrase "saying how don't she is" can you tell me what this means please

LaureBerthaud · 17/08/2020 09:41

Also has a weird thing about saying how 'don't she is

Can you correct typo.

Nothing wrong with being told she's pretty.

Also tells her to 'be a good girl'

Irritating but you can discuss with DD that girls don't always have to be good/kind/nice.

Original poster
blanche85 · 17/08/2020 09:42

Oh sorry typo- how tiny she is...

OP posts:
Original poster
blanche85 · 17/08/2020 09:43

And what can I reply with....sorry!

OP posts:
Throckmorton · 17/08/2020 09:48

Saying someone looks pretty is fine, so long as they are also complimented on other things too (hard work, etc).

Nottherealslimshady · 17/08/2020 09:48

I dont see the issue with telling her to be a good girl. All people should be good and kind, if it's a gender issue then we should be telling boys to be good and kind not telling girls not to be.

Sounds like you're worried about her passing on pressures over appearance to your daughter. That's what the majority of society is going to do. You just need to teach your daughter to value her strength, intelligence and kindness more than her looks. You could follow up her comments about how pretty she is with a comment about an achievement she recently made or something. It's something you're going to have to learn to deal with rather than hoping to stop.

InDubiousBattle · 17/08/2020 09:50

How old is your dd? I don't think this would bother me. My dc are told that they're gorgeous/pretty/cute all of the time, especially by grandparents and aunties.

nervousnelly8 · 17/08/2020 09:54

I tell my DS constantly how handsome/beautiful/kind/funny/clever he is. He's only 17 months old so I doubt much sinks in, but singing songs about how great he is is one of my favourite activities Grin. Is it because your DM is using "girly" words? I think it's quite normal for grandparents to be besotted with their grandchildren but I would stamp on the "tiny" comment - that's maybe not something to be praised on

LaureBerthaud · 17/08/2020 09:57

I dont see the issue with telling her to be a good girl. All people should be good and kind

Not all the time. Sometimes girls/women need to get angry, be assertive, choose not to smile.

OP - laugh and say "Oh, mum, DD is not tiny - you're making her sound like Tinkerbell!"

"Mum - stop fussing about her hair, she's really good at looking after it - doesn't it look great*

Blankblankblank · 17/08/2020 09:58

I understand why you don’t like it OP. This explains it well

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/jun/25/four-reasons-not-to-tell-your-daughter-shes-pretty
Shallow praise linked to looks can have a negative effect on a girl’s ability to deal with adversity. These off-the-cuff remarks can imply that looks, goodness, talent and even intelligence are things you either have or don’t have. If you grow up believing that ability is innate, then you are less likely to try when things get a little difficult. You will be more likely to give up rather than stick with it because you think that effort has little impact on overall success

IdblowJonSnow · 17/08/2020 09:59

Yanbu. It's a very narrow focus and implies that that's a really important factor.
Can you tell your mum to focus on your DDs other qualities instead?
How old is your DD? You could always say to her something like "its lovely grandma thinks you're pretty, but she's a bit old fashioned, you are beautiful but also have so many other things going for you such as x, y and z."?

Original poster
blanche85 · 17/08/2020 10:00

My DD is 11 years old. It's just constant comments about her appearance.

My DM had/has an eating disorder and is obsessed with her appearance. This really affected me growing up to the point that I had a fear of mirrors,never allowed any photos to be taken of me and had an eating disorder myself.

I just don't want my DD to be affected how I was.

OP posts:
majesticallyawkward · 17/08/2020 10:01

Do you just dislike your mother in general? It sounds like you are just looking for a reason to distance.

Telling a child they are pretty/beautiful or whatever is fairly normal, my DD5 is always being told she's gorgeous, has lovely eyes and hair (in fairness she does have huge, bright blue eyes and a mane of amazing curls) and i don't get offended. She's also complemented on how smart, polite or good at things she is.

Re the hair, could it be that your mum is self conscious about her hair and it's something she cares about.

majesticallyawkward · 17/08/2020 10:03

And the good girl, is your dd boisterous or anything?
My DD is stroppy, doesn't listen and often lashes out so being told to 'be good' means listen to adults, don't hit/kick/scream/throw things.

Original poster
blanche85 · 17/08/2020 10:05

It's just that all of these things were passed on to me - I used to obsessively straighten my hair and avoid the rain like the plague - even if it got just the slightest but wet,I'd have to wash it and dry it and straighten it all over again.

I can vividly remember looking in the back of spoons rather than in a mirror. My mum is obsessed with weight and looks and I just don't want my DD to hear this all of the time.

OP posts:
UnfinishedSymphon · 17/08/2020 10:05

Your DM straightens your DDs hair? Does your DD ask her to or does your DM do it because she prefers it that way?

Feelingconfused2020 · 17/08/2020 10:05

@blanche85 given your update I think you need to have a quiet word with your DM and explain that you no longer want her to comment on DD's appearance or size. If she continues I would get firmer.

At 11 I would also probably think about talking to your dad about this and explaining your concerns

Original poster
blanche85 · 17/08/2020 10:06

No - my DD is not in the slightest bit boisterous. She's just constantly told by my DD to be a good girl.

OP posts:
Original poster
blanche85 · 17/08/2020 10:07

No she doesn't straighten my DDs hair. She obsessively straightens her own.

OP posts:
Brefugee · 17/08/2020 10:10

oh you need to tell her to stop it right now.

I think it's ok to tell girls they're pretty -but it is far far far better to compliment people on things that they have control over. "that colour looks nice on you" "you're really strong!" "it's great how you good you are at your times tables" etc etc

It's not healthy to talk about size and weight to children - it is ok to lead by example and feed healthy food, cut down on unhealthy snacks, do healthy activities. But do them without comment and making being thin and light and tiny a virtue.

Are there boys in your family to make a direct comparison? If not can you try to persuade your mum to match "pretty, tiny… " compliments with "clever, smart, strong" compliments at least?

it would infuriate me greatly. Also you need to step up and do the "smart, clever, strong" compliments yourself.

Clymene · 17/08/2020 10:11

You need to say something to her. Be mean if you have to.

dontlikebeards · 17/08/2020 10:16

I think you just need to make sure you dd understands what is important, you can do that. Make it a little joke with your dd, every time her gm tells her to be good, give your daughter a wink, make it something to smile about, don't make it a serious issue.

MotherofKitties · 17/08/2020 10:16

I don't think there is anything wrong with telling a girl shes pretty so long as these comments are countered with higher praise for her intelligence/kindness/non-physical attributes. I think this is important so that little girls do not grow up believing their self worth and confidence should come solely from their appearance.

For example, I tell my DD she's beautiful but I also tell her how clever and kind she is and praise acts of such so she understands it is her actions that are important, not her appearance. Balance is the key.

ZooKeeper19 · 17/08/2020 10:22

@blanche85 seems you suffered enough, it's scarred you. Don't let your DM to abuse your DD too. And yes, it is mental abuse.

There is nothing good about this whatsoever. It should be totally inconsequential how your DD looks.

If necessary I'd tell DM that there will be no contact if the abuse continues.

Illdealwithitinaminute · 17/08/2020 10:22

If your mum wasn't so destructive towards her own appearance, then this might be ok, but I think in her case, she just needs to stop talking about looks altogether- otherwise, soon it will be weight. I mean, she's already labelling your average size dd as 'tiny' when she is not. I would keep it simple and ask her not to make any comments on appearance at all, your dd doesn't need them from a granny who has had disordered eating/continues to obsess about appearance.