DM constantly calling my DD a pretty,good girl

[blanche85]

My DM remarks constantly on my DDs appearance - saying how pretty she is. Also has a weird thing about saying how 'don't she is,like it's some kind of compliment or is cute or something....she's perfectly average size and weight!

Also tells her to 'be a good girl'. It really irritates me!

Also whenever we talk,she ALWAYS comments on her hair or what product she's tried to tame it's apparent frizziness. She straightens her hair religiously and won't go out in rain God forbid it gets wet.

These things are mentioned without fail in every conversation.

Would it bother you? What can I really with?

Thank you

My DM is the same with my teenage D. I have asked her to stop but she thinks she's quite entitled to.

I tell my 11-yr-old to be good and that he's good. He's a boy, does that make it ok? If your DD was getting all of her worth from her looks then it would be an issue but I'm guessing she spends more time with you than with your DM, and presumably you're praising her for working hard, being smart, being kind, having good boundaries, etc. In which case, the pretty comments wouldn't bother me.
My parents often told me I was pretty when I was growing up. It didn't make me vain. It didn't make me obsessed with looks. Actually, it just made me think I looked ok and that was one less thing to worry about in a world that constantly tells girls they are not enough.

Your DD is 11.
Time to have a chat with her about her Granny
Tell her about your mum's illness, and how it means your mum sees it as never too thin and how wrong that is.
About how worry over your hair meant you never played in the rain.
That Granny has her odd ways, make it an in joke between you both.
That way your DD , can look at you when Granny starts saying things, you can wink back and Granny will just become your odd relative.

I made a conscious decision never to leave my children alone with my mother when she started with her "lovely and slim" shit when DD was 3! She infected all her own children with her absolute obsession with female daintiness and competitive undereating, which resulted in eating disorders, and IMO I'd be as culpable leaving my children with her as I would if I left them with someone I knew had a history of hitting children.

My dm does the same with my dd who’s 13. She comments on her figure all the time about how lovely it is. I tell her to stop but she just can’t help herself! I was much bigger as a teen than my dd & she was pretty awful to me about my weight then. I can’t understand why she focuses so much on appearances. Could you tell your mum not to mention it too often?

A little girls nanny tells her how pretty she is. Are we really calling this emotional abuse now?

@GoshHashana but you will define what "good" means to you and your daughter.

Good doesn't have to mean weak willed and blindly compliant but children can behave "badly" by being needlessly unkind, inconsiderate, disruptive. You don't surely want your daughter being the one running around snatching toys, pushing other children over, ruining games and not following instructions given by adults with responsibility for her?

YANBU and it is corrosive.

I think it's one thing to have an all encompassing, unconditional and loving 'you're gorgeous' from a grandparent or parent time to time but these constant 'compliments' are very fixed in nature 'you're tiny', 'your hair is straight and pretty'. You know by your own experience it doesn't build you up hearing these things, and it sounds like these aren't peppered here and there but your mum's main talking points.

Your DD is entering a time when these things are particularly important, she is forging her own identity. She is old enough that you can have a chat about what does being a good girl mean, is it important to be a good girl and why is being told you are tiny/pretty or really any comment about your appearance - even seemingly nice ones - is problematic. Your mother is in a way giving you a gift plus you always have the caveat granny grew up when things were a bit different.

I'd talk to your mum and ask her not to comment on your daughter's appearance. She may find it hard not to but you can remind her and if she respects you she will try to stop. If she won't stop then pull her up on it, at least you'll be demonstrating what a bad habit this has become.

I spent my entire childhood with parents who never said anything positive to us or about us. As long as your Mum does not live with you and it is not non-stop then I should ignore it. The rest of the time you can praise for what you value.

A little girls nanny tells her how pretty she is. Are we really calling this emotional abuse now?

A woman who has had eating disorders is constantly commenting on an 11 year old's weight/slimness, frizziness of her hair and her looks. This 11 is going to grow bigger in the next part of puberty- what then?

It isn't about the odd comment on prettiness at all.

Although I must say I tell all my children they're beautiful - boys and girls - and I don't think that's wrong. Everyone is beautiful... I guess pretty is a loaded word because it's infantilising and dainty somehow - flowers are pretty but powerful things can be beautiful.

I don't tell my children to be good or kind, I tell them to think before they act and never do anything that feels wrong or dangerous. We also talk about empathy a lot but also about not being pushed into anything they feel uncomfortable with.

I think "kind" has been ruined as a word because it's used, especially on social media, to manipulate people into acting against self preservation instincts. Good is a value judgement and has the same complications.

I think you need to be honest with your daughter. She's old enough for you to tell her a bit about your mother's history with eating disorders, and why it wasn't healthy for her to be so obsessed with appearance. Then maybe start teaching her some ways to reply to her grandmother that can show she is proud of things other than the way she looks.

Oh, and be honest about your own eating disorder as well, obviously. Talk to your daughter about why it's so important to be healthy, and what that really means, both mentally and physically. Tell her what you wish you'd known when you were her age and dealing with a mother obsessed with weight and appearance.

I agreee 100% with Zookeeper.

Your mother is imposing outdated and possibly dangerous sexist stereotypes onto your daughter.

Dangerous because (a) striving to be thin is an epidemic amongst girls already and (b) teaching her to be passive and not stand up for herself.

I'd personally do a bit more than just tell her to stop it. I'd sit her down over a coffee when the child is not there and explain in detail why her brainwashing (maybe don't put it in those terms!) is dangerous.

She might learn something from it. Start questioning why she is imposing sexist stereotypes?

Good post, @UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme.

Email her this link
www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/beauty-sick/201711/why-we-need-stop-telling-little-girls-how-pretty-they-are

Talk to her about raising a girl that doesn't judge her worth on her appearance.

At least she's not saying how fat and ugly she is!

I tell my boys that they are handsome inside and out and that what’s inside, and how they behave is more important than what’s on the outside. I tell them that they’re lucky that they have beautiful faces but that it’s better to be ugly but kind than handsome but mean, but say it’s lucky that they are handsome and kind!
Both mine do get comments (my oldest has bright blonde hair and blue eyes, my younger has deep green eyes) on their looks and I can imagine it would be weird if they were girls but somehow it’s easier to graciously accept a compliment as a boy and move on.

@sadie9 - I have never heard that theory before.

Eating disorders can be a way of controlling the only thing you can in chaos (your body), a response to trauma, a reaction to not wanting to go through puberty or low self-esteem combined with perfectionism.

I think you need to say to your mother that she has a fucked up attitude to women's appearances, and she gave you a fucked up attitude to your own appearance and you are not going to let her do that to your DD. And that if she continues to comment on your daughter's appearance (positively or negatively), you will restrict contact.

That's what I meant about being mean. This is toxic behaviour and you really need to nip it in the bud.

Can you talk to your mother about this when she actually does it? Your daughter is old enough to understand. There is no need for it to be some huge drama or argument. Ask your daughter what she thinks and feels. What if she actually likes being complimented by your Mother?

You daughter is the one who is going to be bombarded with this nonsense and needs to start to learn how to deal with it.

I struggled a bit with complimenting my kids looks. It seems wrong to compliment them but it also seems very wrong not too. I think there is no right way. I tried to concentrate on complimenting their ‘personalities’ rather than their brains, looks or sporting achievements. I’d definitely compliment their looks too.
I was careful to compliment my boys looks as well as my girls.

I think the OPs mother is allowed to fuss with her hair. It’s her hair and if she wants to not get it wet or whatever then it’s up to her. 🤷🏻‍♀️

It's not ok for adults to project their insecurities onto children. You need to tell your DM to stop this.

I would explain that she is using language that is a classic example of everyday sexism. That you want your daughter to be confident and resilient and are avoiding such out of date and sexist language & behaviour.
Have some online resources at hand you can direct her to if it helps.

Bottom, agree, the confidence it instills does mean one can worry about other things. However it's in the context I think of wider interests. A family that promotes education, intelligent discussions, culture, arts.... In that context I don't feel telling your children they are beautiful will turn them into one dimensional people obsessed with looks. It's also how mum models herself... Children copy.

However, I think commenting on weight and fat or thin is extremely dangerous ground to be going over.
I'd absolutely stop that instantly.
A few comments can stick with a child.

Until.. Interesting post.

My dm is very focused on appearance. I recently saw her for the first time since lockdown and the first thing she commented on was my weight gain and the fact my nails needed doing. I am well able to cope with this as she has never been any different and I know that she genuinely doesn’t mean it or understand the impact that it can have. Her dm was exactly the same (as well as being abusive which my dm is categorically not) and I know this is a very unpleasant learned behaviour. My siblings and I laugh about it and I actually had a bet with DH on how long it would take her to mention my weight (I won!).

While I understand that this is a result of her unpleasant upbringing and I love my DM with all my heart, she is fully aware that if she ever mentions DD weight or appearance she will not see her again. Just tell her not to do it.