DM constantly calling my DD a pretty,good girl

[blanche85]

My DM remarks constantly on my DDs appearance - saying how pretty she is. Also has a weird thing about saying how 'don't she is,like it's some kind of compliment or is cute or something....she's perfectly average size and weight!

Also tells her to 'be a good girl'. It really irritates me!

Also whenever we talk,she ALWAYS comments on her hair or what product she's tried to tame it's apparent frizziness. She straightens her hair religiously and won't go out in rain God forbid it gets wet.

These things are mentioned without fail in every conversation.

Would it bother you? What can I really with?

Thank you

Does your DD's behaviour seem affected by these compliments? Unless your DD has body issues or her comments are upsetting her I can't see the harm. Your Mum is just one person in your lives and not everyone she encounters is going to pay her non gender stereotyped compliments. If you're worried about your DD just attaching importance to her physical attributes, then you can always have your own conversations with her to explain the importance of being xyz. If she currently isn't bothered by the comments, I'd consider that she may pick up on your discomfort and this could create an issue that wasn't there to begin with.

You're absolutely right to see this as a problem -- it's pernicious and gendered and suggests your mother is not over her own eating disorder.

I'd pull her up on it every time.

My son, now eight, was the one to point out to his grandmother that she was always praising the 'tininess' of his female cousin of the same age, but telling him he needed to eat up to be a 'big, tall, strapping boy.'

My MIL is not overly given to reflection.

I am 40 years old and I can still vividly remember my mum and granny having a conversation about my curly hair when I ten. My granny was in absolute shock that I would dare to leave the house with curly (AKA messy, unruly, scruffy, unkempt, tatty, BAD!) hair. My mum did not stand up for me. Instead told me granny that I wouldn't sit still enough for it to be straightened. I grew up hating my hair. I just wish my mum told me there was nothing wrong with my hair and actually taught me how to look after it (instead of having to spent my teens trying to figure it out myself!).

It's hard when you grow up with a parent with MH problems and it then impacts on you. Something others see as harmless is insidious. My mum has OCD. She was also obsessed with cleanliness and couldn't leave the house until she was 'clean', had her hair done and good clothes on. The ritual would take her hours. Even now I am paranoid about leaving the house without make up on or my hair done. But I think what would my mum do and do the opposite.

Hate the "good girl" thing. I was getting that shitte well into my 20s. It's a way of keeping girls and women in their (small, harmless) place.

My usual riposte to "Be a good girl" was ""And if I can't be good, I'll be careful", followed by a dastardly chuckle and swift exit, cartoon-villain style. Needless to say, this went down a treat (not!) when I was 14.

Can you rehearse with your DD a few smart comebacks for when your DM next lays on the retro-crap?

There's nothing wrong with you wanting to break the harmful behaviour from your DM, especially if it impacted you negatively.

Compliments on appearance are shallow - ask her to focus on other traits that DD is actively responsible for.

And have a frank discussion with DD about how it makes you feel and how it makes her feel - she may not even notice, or have her response in proportion, and that might put your mind at rest.

Does your mother live with you, or play a large role in looking after your daughter? If so, I can understand your worrying a bit, especially as she had had an eating disorder and an obsession with looks, which to some extent affected you. But if she is just a visitor, even a frequent visitor, and not responsible for your child's upbringing, then your daughter will probably just treat these as among the many quirks that grown-ups can have. And telling children to 'be a good girl/good boy' is a a fairly common and mostly harmless automatic remark by adults to children. I remember a variant of this from my own grandmother, who actually lived abroad (or from her point of view, we did) and only visited sometimes during holidays. She used to tell me that I was a good girl, or the equivalent in her first language, whenever she wanted me to do something uncongenial to me, especially trying on clothes (she was a keen dressmaker, which I should have been grateful for, but wasn't). I found it mildly irritating, but it didn't affect me beyond teaching me a little bit about the uses of flattery!

Your mother is obsessed with an ideal body image. You see how she is with her hair. Now she is starting with your daughter. I would make a point of actually taking her aside and making her sit down for a formal chat rather than just try to fend off comments in the moment.
You could say 'I notice you make a lot of comments about DD appearance, I would like you to stop doing that. I notice you are very concerned with your own appearance and your hair but that doesn't mean everyone is like you are'.

My DM had/has an eating disorder and is obsessed with her appearance. This really affected me growing up to the point that I had a fear of mirrors,never allowed any photos to be taken of me and had an eating disorder myself

If you had not posted this I would have said to just laugh it off but this is actually really worrying. I would really monitor her interaction with your daughter because it sounds as if your mother is still in the grip of a raging eating disorder at least from a psychological perspective, even if she is currently a healthy weight. I would be setting STRICT boundaries with her on this and if she couldn't stick to them, I would limit contact.
Your mother is indicating quite concerning cognitive distortions about weight and its connection to self worth and I would not be wanting my daughter to be picking up those very harmful messages.

I just read about your DM eating disorder. So an eating disorder or body dismorphia is really is about trying to 'fit in'. At the heart of it, the person is trying to fit in in order to protect others from harm. I know it sounds weird but there is a good intention behind it.
Therefore preface your remarks with 'I know you only want the best for DD and to protect her from future harm....however...'(then say your piece). This will speak to the part of her that is worried about your daughter in the future. Your DM thinks (she may not be consciously aware of this ) that if someone is overweight that harm will come to them.

Does your daughter have the same type of hair as your mum?

You can't let her pass her obsessions onto your daughter.

What she does with her hair is her choice, but it's not a "must do" for anyone else the the same hair!

Your daughter is only 11-she shouldn't have to be remembering clever comebacks to use against her own Grandmother!

Op needs to say something or GM needs to not see her GD if she can't keep her insecurities to herself.

have you had a conversation with your dm about her obsessions and how it may affect others around her?
is she aware of it?

I wish someone had told me I was pretty when I was growing up. And I often tell both my daughters and sons to be good when they’re off on a night out or something. Don’t see the issue. 🤷🏻‍♀️

*I dont see the issue with telling her to be a good girl. All people should be good and kind

because when you only compliment girls on being pretty it feeds into the idea that only pretty is good. They can't control that.
Also mostly people don't only compliment boys on being handsome. They are fast, clever, strong - things that they can develop for themselves. It is good for their self worth, but a lot of people don't do that for girls. They're just pretty. Or tiny/thin/slim/blonde... that does nothing for their self esteem if they think they constantly have to be tiny, thin, slim or blonde. What if they suddenly develop massive boobs? or get - ARGH! - fat? what happens to their self-worth then?

And it's fine telling older kids (well younger ones too) to be good. But why are you saying that? Did a boy just hit your daughter "because he likes her"? did she shout at him to stop, hit him back? or just be good and accept it?

That is the issue.

You’ve had some good advice. Are you in Wales by any chance? Dwt, pronounced to rhyme with put, means dinky or cute in Welsh. Maybe she means it in the ‘cute’ sense?

Tell your mother not to make personal remarks about your daughter's hair or size as it will make her self conscious.

However there's nothing wrong with being told she is pretty, or charming, or attractive, or handsome if a boy; those are confidence boosters as long as they are not the only things stressed.

I don’t understand the issue, your upset because your DM pays complements to your daughter, calls her pretty and asks her to “be a good girl”?

My parents always tell my dd to be a good girl ( mainly because she can be a pain like all kids).

I don’t see what’s wrong with complements, I guess the comments about her size could be a bit too much, if she was large would she comment on that? My lovely grandmother is great at commenting on people’s weight but we kind of laugh about it, if she says “aren’t you tiny” then she’s saying your slim, if she says “your looking well” she means “your fat” 🤣. I have never really taken it personally.

I thought most parents and grandparents tell their children and grandchildren they are pretty these days. Tbh, I think it is ridiculous to call children princesses (when clearly they aren't) and to constantly compliment (usually) girls on their looks. No wonder they grow up focussing on looks and the lifestyles of celebrities promoting looks. It is poor parenting and it isn't going to rear a well-rounded individual.

I'd probably ask my mother to stop making comments about looks totally because you don't want your dd to think they are of the utmost importance.

What's with asking her about her hair products? Is your dd not going out in the rain because of what your DM says? If so, that is awful.

It's blatant sexism and sick.

My DM comments excessively on people's appearance, especially women, and often goes on about how she hates natural Afro hair. "So frizzy and dry" She's 80 so unlikely to change now, I try to say things diplomatically to her.

My bugbear growing up was that she always called me a big bonny girl, and comments like that and that I was so stunningly beautiful and like an Amazon. I realised recently that it had given me a complex as if I was massively taller and fatter than everyone else. I'm not, I'm entirely average 5'7" and a size 12-14. I suppose being called pretty is better than the alternative but the way she said things made me think I had to be the prettiest all the time right up into my 20s and 30s. Only more recently in my 40s I've had the confidence to think I'm fine, just the way I am.

Whenever she says it immediately laugh and chime in with "Yes and she's also clever, thoughtful, kind, inquisitive etc and those things are even more special/valuable"

YANBU at all.

My MIL also goes on about how 'petite' DD is and how that's such a good thing for a girl. She doesn't directly compare but talks about how my niece is 'big' and has her mother's build Neither my SIL or niece are large btw. I really hope she's not round theirs going on about DD being little :(

DD also gets 100% more 'how pretty' comments than her 2 brothers, funny that.

I do tell the boys they are beautiful, much to oldest's disgust. I tell DD she is strong as well as beautiful.

We try to balance it out at home, so I hope she doesn't feel she has to be pretty. She loves dresses/skirts/sparkly a lot, but has a range of interests, as we don't do only for boys/girls toys in our house. However I do try not to be down on the 'girls' stuff she likes.

The comments about appearance would be annoying but I see no problem with "good girl". I say this to my son all the time. "Good" means doing as the adults in charge tell him e.g putting toys away, not whinging, using his manners, playing cooperatively with others. I'll have the same expectations of my daughter.

Nip it in the bud. My dd isn't even born yet and I can predict that my DM will be encouraging her to be a "good girl" and commenting on her looks. The last thing I want my daughter to be is a good girl. I'd rather she was strong, bold, no-nonsense, and downright bolshy if necessary.