Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

To not want my in-laws to enjoy my kids.

136 replies

Pancakebreakiii · 16/08/2020 09:51

I know I’m being spiteful and petty and I feel like telling my kids how they really are - but I won’t as they are young and I wouldn’t mess with their heads like that.

But I’m just so fucked off now as I feel like they have ‘won’ especially mil.

When I joined the family Sil was just divorcing Bil. Mil and Sil didn’t speak, Sil accused mil of bullying her. At that point mil was very nice to me although I was always aware that she could turn quite quickly. Every one has to dance to her tune and if not there would be actual slamming doors, shouting ( in my house) tears ect..

Mil actually paid the divorce settlement for bil - she brought the cheque to my house to show me. It was quite hefty but she said it was the price she paid for two grandkids. I’ve been there when she has asked her other grandkids ‘who do you live most, your mum or dad’ which made them really uncomfortable. She’s fucking rotten.

When I was pregnant she really bullied me, to the point I was going to leave dh. She was really unpleasant. Eg. She would let herself in to my house early in the morning whilst I was still in bed, come in to my bedroom and demand ( it was demand because the way she spoke to me was so hostile) to know where dh, Demanding to be at the birth as she was at her other grandkids, dh was so fucking flimsy about it and only stuck up for me when I actually packed a bag to leave. She went apocalyptic and left the country for a month when I was due. She sent me horrible text messages when she got drunk saying i was a ‘fucking cunt‘ I was ‘bullshit’ on the last one I told her to fuck off and never come to my house again. This caused bil to get on the phone and have a go at dh. Dh pretended he didn’t have a clue what was going - even though he was lay beside me when I started getting the messages.

From then we was excluded from family gatherings even though I’d done nothing to the wider family and was always nice and helpful. If dh was invited by himself - he went . I once bumped in to aunty once and whilst having a nice chat she said ‘your the black sheep of the family like me’ . I’d not actually said or done anything to these people for them to view me like this. Dh was quite low contact at this time. Although on occasion he would take the kids to see Mil and Bill and they showered them with gifts and the kids loved it.

Tbh it started to rot our relationship, other stuff happened unrelated and after ten years It called it a day. Since dh has become very close to his family. Seeing them most weekends and taking the kids. Kids talk about them all the time and I feel like I’m on the out side of my own family.

Mil posted a picture last night that my friend sent to me of my two kids sat on her knee with mil smiling smug and it’s give me the rage. Her other grandkids were stood round her too. She’s seen both her Dils off, had her boys back and is now enjoying our kids.

I don’t want them near her but now I feel like the unreasonable one

OP posts:

Heffalooomia · 16/08/2020 12:37

Unless she is doing something wrong
Getting a kick out of the OP being bothered... is that not wrong?
Deliberately upsetting someone and taking pleasure from their suffering, that's wrong surely?

Heffalooomia · 16/08/2020 12:39

I couldn't do or say anything
Probably just as well eh, a fist fight is never a good look🤦‍♀️
and obviously the tactic was designed to disarm you and make you unable to act, I dare say that if there was a chance you might flatten her she wouldn't have risked it😲

YgritteSnow · 16/08/2020 12:46

@ODFOkaren

Oh god, I could’ve written your post.

I had the same.

We split when Ds was 6. He’s 18 now and he’s grown up believing all the bullshit and thinks the sun shines out of their arses and that there must be something wrong with me that they never liked me.

I’ve never said a bad word about them to Ds but it breaks my heart.

I still have the letter that Ex MIL sent to me when I was pregnant telling me not to get too comfortable as babies die all the time and that her neighbour just had a stillbirth and how she would be glad if I did too as it would be for the best. Ex h now claims that it was forged by me even though he was there when we got it in the mail (he defended her at the time claiming she was just worried).

So I know how you feel. I just hope your kids aren’t as able to be bought as mine has been.

This is why I will never agree that you shouldn't tell your side of the story in an age appropriate way to your children when you have been wronged. If you don't they haven't got all the information to able to make a full and healthy decision.

My ex is a nightmare. An alcoholic who makes little effort with his children and plays Disney dad when he does - throwing £100s at them. When he behaves in a problematic way towards them I don't remain silent I confirm that it's him not them and he's always been this way. If I didn't they might blame themselves as children often do when their relationships with adults are conflicted. When my ex in-laws behave badly and my children are upset about what's been said or done, I again confirm it's not them and explain briefly that there's a difficult family dynamic and it's nothing to do with them, I sometimes make them laugh by briefly describing my own outrageous experiences at their hands.

If children don't get the full information, age appropriately, how can they defend themselves from toxicity?

YgritteSnow · 16/08/2020 12:47

If they're slagging you off, make sure you don't slag them off - kids aren't stupid and they'll soon realise where the toxicity lies.

But quite often they don't as @ODFOkaren described. Kids need and deserve all the information.

ODFOkaren · 16/08/2020 12:49

@YgritteSnow I did try. But Ds always replied with “they said you’d say that” or “you are a liar” (they have trained him to think I lie about everything).

It was making things worse as ds would tell his dad and he would be rewarded for laughing about it and me and his dad would reinforce the mummy is a liar line.

So I say nothing.

YgritteSnow · 16/08/2020 12:49

@Bluntness100

Op you’re coming across as proper obsessed and bitter, that’s not healthy even if it is understandable. She is not your mil. She is your ex mil. He is not your partner, he is your ex. They are not your family. On,y the kids are. The legalities Of divorce don’t change that. And why are you following her on social media?

Stop following her and try to stop reliving it and obsessing about it. Try to accept the relationship is over, refer to them as your ex’ S and your ex’s family in your own head. Because this level of bitterness, anger and obsession is only going to damage you and possibly your kids.

We’ve all met that woman who twenty thirty years on is still obsessed angry and bitter and can’t be in the same room as her ex, and has never made a go of it with someone else because she can’t get over it. Don’t be that woman.

What a load of absolute bullshit.

YgritteSnow · 16/08/2020 12:50

I'm so sorry @ODFOkaren. Awful for you and your kids

IndiaPlace · 16/08/2020 12:53

KEEP THOSE CHILDREN AWAY FROM HER!!!! Supervised access for DH until you can trust him to keep her away from them

Absolutely no legal stance to support this. DH is also their parent and gets to make the decision about who his children have contact with. (Unless he has really serious safeguarding issues, which haven't been mentioned).

ODFOkaren · 16/08/2020 13:01

@YgritteSnow it is what it is. I do regret now looking back all the shit I’ve been through, Ds should have just stayed with ex h when we spilt it would have saved years of heartache. I’ve given up everything And struggled to bring him up and he’s always treated me like shit - treats his dad and stepmom like gold and just grunts at me and won’t give me the time of day let alone help around the house like he does there. It’s all been for nothing.

@Pancakebreakiii I really hope that you will find the strength to disengage from this situation.

Original poster

Pancakebreakiii · 16/08/2020 13:02

Thanks for the support, I’ve just been and walked the dog and walked it off. I feel better now I think I just needed to vent

Both of her sons have said to me that they don’t like her as a person and if she wasn’t their mother they wouldn’t actually speak to her. When I first met STBXH it was me who facilitated a lot of the contact. It was me that bought her Christmas presents ect.. it was my phone she rang as he never picked up - so I ended up getting it in the neck hence her walking in to my bedroom whilst I was asleep because he wouldn’t pick up to her.

It is what it is really and I can’t do much about it. With my youngest I’m just going to nod and say ‘that’s nice’ when she brings exmil up but with my eldest (10) I think I’m going to be a little more honest but in an age appropriate way that we don’t really get on.
However regarding the emotional black mail I think I’m going to say to my eldest that if she says anything to her that makes her feel uncomfortable or weird to not worry and we can discuss it when she gets back.

Tracks for the advice and support you lovely lot.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pancakebreakiii · 16/08/2020 13:04

[quote ODFOkaren]@YgritteSnow I did try. But Ds always replied with “they said you’d say that” or “you are a liar” (they have trained him to think I lie about everything).

It was making things worse as ds would tell his dad and he would be rewarded for laughing about it and me and his dad would reinforce the mummy is a liar line.

So I say nothing.[/quote]
Bloody hell thats heartbreaking

OP posts:

Heffalooomia · 16/08/2020 13:06

I don't think you sound obsessed and bitter OP
I think you are justifiably and understandably appalled and upset at the terrible treatment

WhenPushComesToShove · 16/08/2020 13:09

I'd actually move far away so there is less contact between them. I really can't see any other way. Very best of luck OP.

malificent7 · 16/08/2020 13:23

She sounds absolutely batshit, your ex sounds like a wet blanket and you are not surprisingly worn out by it all. Yanbu!

PeachGinMummy · 16/08/2020 13:32

I believe it is actually appropriate to explain to your children what is and is not appropriate for adults to say to children. You can explain that you don't say to them 'Daddy/GM/uncle lie to you about x.' And tell them that if they are being told that their mummy is lying then that is inappropriate. To be honest I don't think this happens enough, a lot of women who split from their partners and have to deal with toxic in laws kind of resign themselves to the whispers in the kids ears.

I would say 'DC, it's not okay for grown ups to tell you that other people are liars, or to try and make you think that your mummy or your daddy are horrible people. I don't do that, GPs (on your side) don't do this. They should be asking you how you are, playing games, teaching you. Not telling you how bad other people are'. Tell them that it's okay to say 'I'd rather not talk about this grandma. Can we change the subject please' if they're ever put in that awkward position.

PeachGinMummy · 16/08/2020 13:34

@WhenPushComesToShove

I'd actually move far away so there is less contact between them. I really can't see any other way. Very best of luck OP.

Oh, how awful it would be if you had to move so so far away that visits with in laws had to end . Do your family live nearby? Or do you need to move closer to them?

funnylittlefloozie · 16/08/2020 13:39

I think you should play the long game. Every time your kids want money / expensive treats, tell them VileGranny will buy it for them. The old bitch likes to control people with money, so use her as a cashpoint for your kids.

Zilla1 · 16/08/2020 14:12

I'm sorry to hear that, OP.

The only suggestions I have is to parent your DC how you think best and help them become people with judgement. Eventually they'll grow to dislike people talking badly about their mother whom they love.

Try not to bite back about the ILs, you'll infuriate them by doing so.

Finally, if possible, engage with your SIL and, if possible, have the grand children spend time together without the ILs. I expect a carefully posted photo of the two SIL and their DCs together on a day out would infuriate the MIL and BIL more than anything.

Good luck.

WineAndTiramisu · 16/08/2020 14:12

I'd befriend SIL, and meet up with all the kids often, so they get to play together without MIL there, it may help them band together, and all the kids see that both of you are normal (MIL may be telling SIL kids bad stuff about you and vice versa)

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/08/2020 15:25

@WineAndTiramisu

I think this would be a positive thing for all the children. At the moment, the relationship between cousins is ALL via their grandmother - and so they currently associate seeing their cousins with seeing gran. If they were able to meet away from her, they will stop seeing her as their conduit to their cousins. They will build their relationships INDEPENDENT of her. At the moment, SHE is the focus of the family. This way, the children become their own focus.

I don't think it would do you and XSIL any harm to have someone to talk to that understands completely what is going on, either. The need to not slag the Three Blind Mice off in front of the children must be quite a strain. Not being subject to that strain once in a while would do you both some good.

"Both of her sons have said to me that they don’t like her as a person and if she wasn’t their mother they wouldn’t actually speak to her."
Yet they',, subject their children to her, knowing that eventually they'll dislike her as their fathers do? Bastards. Weak, weak bastards .

MulticolourMophead · 16/08/2020 15:29

I agree with WhereYouLeftIt

A relationship between you, ExSIL and the children, that doesn't involve MIL will have steam coming out of her ears. She can't control that, can she. And STBX and Ex BIL also can't control or dictate, either. What you and ExSIL do on your own time with the DC is nothing to do with them....

User43210 · 16/08/2020 16:38

If it helps at all @Pancakebreakiii my mum was quite honest with me, in a gentle way, about the crap she got from her parents growing up, as well as how my dad's mum was with her.
I never let it affect my politeness to them, and I'm actually quite close in ways. It helped probably that I didn't see my grandparents a whole lot, but I always knew whilst they were being nice to me, I knew what they had done to my mum. There's been an occasion or two where they've completely lost my respect with what they said to me.
Anyways, you're a long long way off your dc getting married and when I was getting married and my mum's parents were kicking up a fuss, my mum was really anxious and telling me, saying she thinks they may threaten not to come. The relief she had when I turned around and say "tell them not to, then" was lovely. They did come in the end, however if I knew that it would make either of my parents uncomfortable, they would have been off the guest list. Kids can pick up on things but you have to be wise about it.

Also maybe start saving now so your STBXH or MIL can't "offer to pay" and then guilt the invites, in case your dc are happy to have without them.

Alwaysinpain · 16/08/2020 19:06

@IndiaPlace

KEEP THOSE CHILDREN AWAY FROM HER!!!! Supervised access for DH until you can trust him to keep her away from them

Are you joking?! The man is taking his children to be around a PHYSICALLY & emotionally abusive woman

Would be different if it was the FIL wouldn't it? You'd be up in arms, flaming OP for even considering allowing her ExDH to do so

Alwaysinpain · 16/08/2020 19:12

@Pancakebreakiii

Thanks for the support, I’ve just been and walked the dog and walked it off. I feel better now I think I just needed to vent

Tracks for the advice and support you lovely lot.

Seriously OP - Keep your kids away from the woman. If that means supervised contact for a while then so be it. This would not cause any legal issues, as

You're still allowing access.

You're doing it to protect the children as she is both violent & emotionally abusive and manipulative.

There is not a Court in the land nor Social Worker who would disagree with those actions.

Alwaysinpain · 16/08/2020 19:13

*When I say supervised contact, I don't mean with her, I mean with your Ex, until he agrees to keep them away from her

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Swipe left for the next trending thread