To not want my in-laws to enjoy my kids.

[Pancakebreakiii]

I know I’m being spiteful and petty and I feel like telling my kids how they really are - but I won’t as they are young and I wouldn’t mess with their heads like that.

But I’m just so fucked off now as I feel like they have ‘won’ especially mil.

When I joined the family Sil was just divorcing Bil. Mil and Sil didn’t speak, Sil accused mil of bullying her. At that point mil was very nice to me although I was always aware that she could turn quite quickly. Every one has to dance to her tune and if not there would be actual slamming doors, shouting ( in my house) tears ect..

Mil actually paid the divorce settlement for bil - she brought the cheque to my house to show me. It was quite hefty but she said it was the price she paid for two grandkids. I’ve been there when she has asked her other grandkids ‘who do you live most, your mum or dad’ which made them really uncomfortable. She’s fucking rotten.

When I was pregnant she really bullied me, to the point I was going to leave dh. She was really unpleasant. Eg. She would let herself in to my house early in the morning whilst I was still in bed, come in to my bedroom and demand ( it was demand because the way she spoke to me was so hostile) to know where dh, Demanding to be at the birth as she was at her other grandkids, dh was so fucking flimsy about it and only stuck up for me when I actually packed a bag to leave. She went apocalyptic and left the country for a month when I was due. She sent me horrible text messages when she got drunk saying i was a ‘fucking cunt‘ I was ‘bullshit’ on the last one I told her to fuck off and never come to my house again. This caused bil to get on the phone and have a go at dh. Dh pretended he didn’t have a clue what was going - even though he was lay beside me when I started getting the messages.

From then we was excluded from family gatherings even though I’d done nothing to the wider family and was always nice and helpful. If dh was invited by himself - he went . I once bumped in to aunty once and whilst having a nice chat she said ‘your the black sheep of the family like me’ . I’d not actually said or done anything to these people for them to view me like this. Dh was quite low contact at this time. Although on occasion he would take the kids to see Mil and Bill and they showered them with gifts and the kids loved it.

Tbh it started to rot our relationship, other stuff happened unrelated and after ten years It called it a day. Since dh has become very close to his family. Seeing them most weekends and taking the kids. Kids talk about them all the time and I feel like I’m on the out side of my own family.

Mil posted a picture last night that my friend sent to me of my two kids sat on her knee with mil smiling smug and it’s give me the rage. Her other grandkids were stood round her too. She’s seen both her Dils off, had her boys back and is now enjoying our kids.

I don’t want them near her but now I feel like the unreasonable one

@Jeremyironsnothing

Given you've seen her diss sil to her kids, you are right to be concerned about what she is saying to yours.

Unfortunately, unless you can get dh on board, you can't dictate where he takes them in his time.

The kids will work out what she's like in time, in the meantime take the high road. Don't make anything an issue that will make it difficult for the kids. Approach it from their perspective.

The first time I met her she was slagging Sil off. She was slagging her off over that she doesn’t separate her colours from her whites whilst washing clothes I knew then what type of women she was

Urgh she sounds utterly toxic and I can understand you not wanting them near her. Unfortunately you can’t do anything about it unless she does something to them directly. Try and block all sources of information about your ex’s family (apart from your dc obvs!) to minimise the effect seeing her has on you.

Oh god, I could’ve written your post.

I had the same.

We split when Ds was 6. He’s 18 now and he’s grown up believing all the bullshit and thinks the sun shines out of their arses and that there must be something wrong with me that they never liked me.

I’ve never said a bad word about them to Ds but it breaks my heart.

I still have the letter that Ex MIL sent to me when I was pregnant telling me not to get too comfortable as babies die all the time and that her neighbour just had a stillbirth and how she would be glad if I did too as it would be for the best. Ex h now claims that it was forged by me even though he was there when we got it in the mail (he defended her at the time claiming she was just worried).

So I know how you feel. I just hope your kids aren’t as able to be bought as mine has been.

To be honest I'd down play it. Just raise an eyebrow if they repeat any of her nasty comments. No words. Children are not stupid, they'll get there..
Sit on your hands and let her crack on
It will annoy the shit out of her

@justanotherneighinparadise

Could you instead just focus on the fact the children are happy. They are getting to see their cousins and enjoying their time with their extended family. I’m not saying you don’t have the right to feel annoyed but at least the children are having a great time when they’re not with you. It would be far more worrying if you though they were in danger when away from you.

They do have a great time and that’s the reason why id never say what a bunch of arseholes they are.

But it grates on me.

It sounds really hard OP

I guess all you can do is model good behaviour ie not shouting and insulting when you don't get your own way etc and show them there is a nicer way to be.

If she never treats them like that then maybe it is a positive for them (if not you) to have her in their lives. And if she does show her true colours they will find out for themselves what she's like. If you keep quiet about her and stay neutral then hopefully they will be more likely to tell you if she starts again with her antics

She is vile but your problem is your husband really. He needs to stand up for you and until he does MIL thinks her behaviour is OK.

@ODFOkaren

Oh god, I could’ve written your post.

I had the same.

We split when Ds was 6. He’s 18 now and he’s grown up believing all the bullshit and thinks the sun shines out of their arses and that there must be something wrong with me that they never liked me.

I’ve never said a bad word about them to Ds but it breaks my heart.

I still have the letter that Ex MIL sent to me when I was pregnant telling me not to get too comfortable as babies die all the time and that her neighbour just had a stillbirth and how she would be glad if I did too as it would be for the best. Ex h now claims that it was forged by me even though he was there when we got it in the mail (he defended her at the time claiming she was just worried).

So I know how you feel. I just hope your kids aren’t as able to be bought as mine has been.

This is what’s worrying me.

I know it sounds ridiculous but I was imagining one of them getting married this morning and the dc wanting them at wedding and I’d be sat there seething and feeling shit about it.

Mil has really made me feel really unwell at points especially when I was pregnant. And bil has said some really unkind things about me which STBXH never defended. I just feel like they are like fucking dementors that are never going to go away.

If she never treats them like that then maybe it is a positive for them (if not you) to have her in their lives. And if she does show her true colours they will find out for themselves what she's like. If you keep quiet about her and stay neutral then hopefully they will be more likely to tell you if she starts again with her antics

The other grandkids are so trained to think ‘that’s just how nana is’, although I will say Sil got it much worse than me.

Urgh I can imagine how hard this must be - I'd feel exactly the same.

Unfortunately I think your best course of action is to take the moral high road. For the sake of your mental health grit your teeth, unfollow/block them wherever possible and occupy yourself doing something nice for you while your kids are with them.

If they're slagging you off, make sure you don't slag them off - kids aren't stupid and they'll soon realise where the toxicity lies.

Good luck, and don't let them get to you - that is exactly what they want! Xx

This isn't about winning or losing, it's about surviving. And recovering

Your DCs will see PIL when they are with their DF for contact

Equally if they spend most of the time with you, they'll see your family and all the lovely friends you have.

I'd unfollow them or hide their posts on Social media

If MIL sends you any other Abusive nasty texts them take those to police for malicious communications and harassment. Ask for domestic abuse support with MIL as the perpetrator. You might even be able to get a Non Mol against her

The rest I am afraid you will have to live with. It's not pleasant and it's not fair, but unless you decide to move far away and enrol your children in school the other side of the country, which has its downsides for DCs and you, then you are stuck with this. If your DH is weak and not abusive himself, then you wouldn't want to do this. Plenty of awful families out there that hate the ex and use DCs as prizes to show off. That'll come home to roost on them later on. Don't let understandable bitterness ruin your life, it's hard to swallow but please do so.

OP, unless your children are very young I would let them know their grandmother was nasty to you. By all means spare gory details, but make sure they know. Assure them they are allowed to enjoy their time at their house, but they need to be aware in case the evil bitch will try to brainwash them

It's completely unjust and unfair BUT you are going to make yourself miserable and ill if you give it headspace. You can't stop them seeing their GPs (unfortunately). You can't stop your MIL spewing her poison. There's no point appealing to STBXH because he's a mummy's boy and a wet blanket. That thing about not worrying over what you can't change is so true.

Whilst you obviously know that you shouldn't involve your kids by burdoning them with adult issues, I don't think this has to go as far as "never saying a bad word". I think it's fine to be honest in an age appropriate, vague way if the topic comes up. For example, if 10 year old DC says "don't you think Granny is so lovely?" I think it's fine to say "well actually, sweetheart, she wasn't very kind to me when I was married to your dad. But I'm very glad that she makes you feel happy and that's the important thing".

I was going to say I'd feel exactly the same but actually I DO feel the same. Some of DH's family are dreadful bullies and I don't allow my kids to see them. I often worry if we split they'd become part of my kids lives.

As others have said, your kids will 100% see for themselves as they get older as people like this always show their true colours eventually. Try take some solace in that if nothing else. Xx

She sounds fucking awful. It probably doesn’t feel like it but you’ve escaped - that’s what matters.

Block them all on social media and tell the ‘friend’ who send you the pics that you don’t want to see them and she shouldn’t be forwarding them to you.

Everything @IWantT0BreakFree said is so bang on IMO!

I know it sounds ridiculous but I was imagining one of them getting married this morning and the dc wanting them at wedding and I’d be sat there seething and feeling shit about it.

I have the same worries @Pancakebreakiii ex h family is huge. He’s got lots of siblings, Ds has lots of cousins. On my side there is no one.

I’d just tell Ds to be happy. I’d probably not go (with Ds blessing) it would cause issues for him and I know what they are like, they would all be vile. But on the other had if I didn’t go, they would all be telling Ds how awful I was. So I wouldn’t be able to win in either situation! I guess I’d just have to see how Ds felt at the time.

I only worry so much because I’ve seen the same situation with a friend. Her dd got married, same circumstances. She was sat at the back of the room and forgotten about, her Dd was fawning over her ex h family. She kept smiling all day, was so polite to everyone. But it broke her heart.

Wow..i cant get beyond her sending a text calling you a "fucking cunt". Im very much about not speaking badly about people to kids but this would be enough for me to ditch that approach. What a nasty witch! Id be telling my kids exactly what she is like, maybe not dripping with spite but factual...i would do all i can to make sure my children had minimum contact with her, if any..what a vile woman..

@ODFOkaren

I know it sounds ridiculous but I was imagining one of them getting married this morning and the dc wanting them at wedding and I’d be sat there seething and feeling shit about it.

I have the same worries @Pancakebreakiii ex h family is huge. He’s got lots of siblings, Ds has lots of cousins. On my side there is no one.

I’d just tell Ds to be happy. I’d probably not go (with Ds blessing) it would cause issues for him and I know what they are like, they would all be vile. But on the other had if I didn’t go, they would all be telling Ds how awful I was. So I wouldn’t be able to win in either situation! I guess I’d just have to see how Ds felt at the time.

I only worry so much because I’ve seen the same situation with a friend. Her dd got married, same circumstances. She was sat at the back of the room and forgotten about, her Dd was fawning over her ex h family. She kept smiling all day, was so polite to everyone. But it broke her heart.

Oh god that’s awful

And will probably be me!

I’m really sorry. And totally understand, even if the kids are happy etc, it doesn’t excuse what they have done to you and how that makes you feel.

Have you spoken to SIL at all? Might be worth you guys meeting up to see how she copes (plus it’s sooo good to have a bitchfest with someone else you feels the same way!)

I don’t think there is anything you can do sadly, but I really feel for you. She sounds nasty and manipulative and your ex-h should have been better towards you, as should have BIL considering what happened with SIL. I don’t get people like this; why wouldn’t you want your children and grandchildren to be really happy?

I would ask the person who sent you the photo to not do it again. Try and keep it from your mind as it will only enrage you further. Concentrate on your life with your kids and try hard not to focus on it. I know that’s so much easier said than done, but she isn’t going to change any time soon and it sounds like you are just another victim in the long line of people she has bullied and her weak sons have not supported.

Not sure what to advise but I’d be very wary in your shoes.
Don’t assume that the children will eventually realise she’s a bitch, because there’s every likelihood that you’ll be the scapegoat when they’ve grown up.

My DH grew up believing that his alcoholic father was fantastic and that his hard working mother was somehow at fault (!!) so when he had kids with his first wife, they rarely saw their granny, probably about once every 5 years (DH’s dad was dead by then). DH accepts that his dad was a heavy drinker/alcoholic and that he would miss outings because his dad had passed out at home etc. but for some bizarre reason, believes the bollocks that his mum caused his dad to drink. (!!)

We have argued about this obvious bullshit so often, but as he was a kid at the time, I can appreciate that to a child, this made sense. However, why he can’t see view the situation from the eyes of a grown adult now, is unfathomable to me.

When I finally met his mum, I realised what an incredibly loving, kind woman she was and I felt incredibly sorry for her that she was denied a close relationship with her grandchildren because DH still had his dead dad on a pedestal.

Sadly, I’d only known her a couple of years when she died suddenly of a heart attack and seeing the amount of people that attended her funeral was a real eye opener. I’d say about 99% of them had never met DH but heard all about him and how proud she was of him and what a fantastic son he was.

I felt even more disgusted by DH’s attitude, at that point, to be honest.

I think you need to be honest with your children Now and don’t let them swallow her lies. How feasible is it to move a long way away and take them with you?

Mil posted a picture last night that my friend sent to me of my two kids sat on her knee with mil

Why did your friend send you that picture? Seems thoughtless of her.

You made one comment in your original post that stood out to me. You said that you feel on the outside of the family. But if he's your ex you are on the outside of the family - but is that not a good thing?

Block any social media - including photos sent from friends of the likes if the one you saw. I'm not sure what the point of sending you that photo was to be honest.

Concentrate on the time with your kids you have yourself and the kids will come to their own conclusions. Mine did about my unpleasant MIL

You must look after you and be realistic about what changes you can or can't make. For your own sake you must detach, tearing yourself apart isn't going to help or change anything.

Not a MIL but I'm in a very similar situation with my DC's and the OW. I hate our children spending time together with her, playing happy families when she destroyed mine. I dread the future weddings, but I know other than detaching and knowing nothing about our children's lives with their dad and OW, there isn't anything I can do. I hurt when I can 'see' and when I 'know'.

However, I worked out that in my situation I am the one worried and upset.
No one else. Not my exH or the OW.
My own worry and upset doesn't affect theM only me, she/they aren't concerned about me and I'm not going to give her/them the satisfaction of upsetting me. Detaching is all I can control and I'll take that.

@Louise91417

Wow..i cant get beyond her sending a text calling you a "fucking cunt". Im very much about not speaking badly about people to kids but this would be enough for me to ditch that approach. What a nasty witch! Id be telling my kids exactly what she is like, maybe not dripping with spite but factual...i would do all i can to make sure my children had minimum contact with her, if any..what a vile woman..

This is pretty standard stuff with mil. I’m surprised it took her so long really. She was actually physically confrontational with SIL. She is bat shit and whilst people know it’s out of order they just laugh about it as if it’s completely normal. She’s pulled some mad shit over the years but it’s always taken as shock at first then eye rolling and ‘what is she like?....’