To not want my in-laws to enjoy my kids.

[Pancakebreakiii]

I know I’m being spiteful and petty and I feel like telling my kids how they really are - but I won’t as they are young and I wouldn’t mess with their heads like that.

But I’m just so fucked off now as I feel like they have ‘won’ especially mil.

When I joined the family Sil was just divorcing Bil. Mil and Sil didn’t speak, Sil accused mil of bullying her. At that point mil was very nice to me although I was always aware that she could turn quite quickly. Every one has to dance to her tune and if not there would be actual slamming doors, shouting ( in my house) tears ect..

Mil actually paid the divorce settlement for bil - she brought the cheque to my house to show me. It was quite hefty but she said it was the price she paid for two grandkids. I’ve been there when she has asked her other grandkids ‘who do you live most, your mum or dad’ which made them really uncomfortable. She’s fucking rotten.

When I was pregnant she really bullied me, to the point I was going to leave dh. She was really unpleasant. Eg. She would let herself in to my house early in the morning whilst I was still in bed, come in to my bedroom and demand ( it was demand because the way she spoke to me was so hostile) to know where dh, Demanding to be at the birth as she was at her other grandkids, dh was so fucking flimsy about it and only stuck up for me when I actually packed a bag to leave. She went apocalyptic and left the country for a month when I was due. She sent me horrible text messages when she got drunk saying i was a ‘fucking cunt‘ I was ‘bullshit’ on the last one I told her to fuck off and never come to my house again. This caused bil to get on the phone and have a go at dh. Dh pretended he didn’t have a clue what was going - even though he was lay beside me when I started getting the messages.

From then we was excluded from family gatherings even though I’d done nothing to the wider family and was always nice and helpful. If dh was invited by himself - he went . I once bumped in to aunty once and whilst having a nice chat she said ‘your the black sheep of the family like me’ . I’d not actually said or done anything to these people for them to view me like this. Dh was quite low contact at this time. Although on occasion he would take the kids to see Mil and Bill and they showered them with gifts and the kids loved it.

Tbh it started to rot our relationship, other stuff happened unrelated and after ten years It called it a day. Since dh has become very close to his family. Seeing them most weekends and taking the kids. Kids talk about them all the time and I feel like I’m on the out side of my own family.

Mil posted a picture last night that my friend sent to me of my two kids sat on her knee with mil smiling smug and it’s give me the rage. Her other grandkids were stood round her too. She’s seen both her Dils off, had her boys back and is now enjoying our kids.

I don’t want them near her but now I feel like the unreasonable one

Omg what a toxic person. Why did your friend send you that?!!
I understand your rage but focus your energy on something more positive. What kind of presents is she buying them?
Are they of an age to understand how manipulative she is?

Are you in contact with sil could you guys organise things for the cousins? I dont think kids are daft and her mask will slip op.

@IndiaPlace

You must look after you and be realistic about what changes you can or can't make. For your own sake you must detach, tearing yourself apart isn't going to help or change anything.

Not a MIL but I'm in a very similar situation with my DC's and the OW. I hate our children spending time together with her, playing happy families when she destroyed mine. I dread the future weddings, but I know other than detaching and knowing nothing about our children's lives with their dad and OW, there isn't anything I can do. I hurt when I can 'see' and when I 'know'.

However, I worked out that in my situation I am the one worried and upset.
No one else. Not my exH or the OW.
My own worry and upset doesn't affect theM only me, she/they aren't concerned about me and I'm not going to give her/them the satisfaction of upsetting me. Detaching is all I can control and I'll take that.

I’m going to try and detach. I know they won’t be giving to figs about me and it’s my own angst about it that’s causing issues now.

Sorry your having to deal with similar I literally don’t know how I’d cope in your situation

@IdblowJonSnow

Omg what a toxic person. Why did your friend send you that?!! I understand your rage but focus your energy on something more positive. What kind of presents is she buying them? Are they of an age to understand how manipulative she is?

It’s just plastic shit. And the kids are too young to see past the lovely facade she puts on.

Although she is VERY good at emotional blackmail. I’ve seen her do it to her other grandkids. I worry about this as if I was to get a sniff of it I’d probably go way over board. But in reality I don’t know what’s being said.

It’s horrible OP, no wonder you’re upset.

The kids will see her for what she is one day. I’m glad you have the strength to be a good parent and allow them enjoy themselves just now while they can before they realise how horrid she is. You will be there for them when that day comes. They will also see their fathers weakness too. And your strength and dignity.

You will be their good role model whose never said bad things about mil and they’ll see that and know.

My pals kids are like that now. Their father and his mum are both toxic.

He was a Disney dad. Didn’t do what a father should but made up for it with lavish gifts while not paying maintenance, and I know that’s not your situation but their mum thought they’d never know the sacrifices she made for them when he appeared as their fab dad and they sang his praises. And their grans.

Now the kids see are in their twenties they’ve both said to their mum that they are so glad they have her as their dad and gran are twisted and bitter - both have alcohol issues too. And they know how useless he was and is and how often he’s let them -and now their babies too - down (as their mum no longer hides his failures from them the way she did when they were kids. They see the truth).

You’re being a good mum.

Now they are out of your life, forget about them. Kids will know the truth when they are older, if exMIL is still nasty about you then. You are the mother, they will resent anyone who is nasty to you for no reason. Make sure you don't do the same, like bitching about them to your kids.

Eg.. she bought her other grandkids sweets made a big show of look what nanna got you. The kids are the sweets and the minute they finished she called them greedy because they didn’t offer her one.

STBXH did exactly the same the other day to ours and I went mad at him.

She would phone her eldest grandson up drunk and keep repeating doors you love your nanna? Please say you forgive me’

He was only 12 at the time and became really emotional. She had found out some personal stuff about him and brought it up in front of his friends and he rode off on his bike in embarrassment. So she went home got pissed and rang him, he was actually at my house at the time.

Can you not mess with her head and befriend SIL?

@Elieza

It’s horrible OP, no wonder you’re upset.

The kids will see her for what she is one day. I’m glad you have the strength to be a good parent and allow them enjoy themselves just now while they can before they realise how horrid she is. You will be there for them when that day comes. They will also see their fathers weakness too. And your strength and dignity.

You will be their good role model whose never said bad things about mil and they’ll see that and know.

My pals kids are like that now. Their father and his mum are both toxic.

He was a Disney dad. Didn’t do what a father should but made up for it with lavish gifts while not paying maintenance, and I know that’s not your situation but their mum thought they’d never know the sacrifices she made for them when he appeared as their fab dad and they sang his praises. And their grans.

Now the kids see are in their twenties they’ve both said to their mum that they are so glad they have her as their dad and gran are twisted and bitter - both have alcohol issues too. And they know how useless he was and is and how often he’s let them -and now their babies too - down (as their mum no longer hides his failures from them the way she did when they were kids. They see the truth).

You’re being a good mum.

Thank you and I hope so

@justilou1

Can you not mess with her head and befriend SIL?

She wouldn’t give to shits. She has access to the kids with out us being there. That’s all that matters to her

Tell the cow that you need a huge divorce settlement aswell. She sounds absolutely bonkers!

Yes I'd befriend SIL. Do lots of "cousin" play dates. That way those grandkids grow up all knowing how lovely you are too. And it WILL irk her to know "her" grandkids are mixing without her there.

I wouldn't want anyone toxic around my children, I don't care who they are. I'd also be honest with your children in an age appropriate way.

Honestly - step back from the drama and be the steady, predictable and reliable parent that they need. Don't comment on your inlaws to them - it'll only make things harder and more confusing for your kids. As other posters have said - detach yourself. You come across as far too reactive to the situation and with an eagerness to be told how right you are. You are right - you don't need to be told this any more as you know it. So rise above the drama and be the safe haven your kids deserve.

Hi, op

Easier said that done, but try not to take it personally. It isn't about you. Your ex DH could have married anyone and she'd have given them the same treatment, or are not brave enough to confront.

You haven't done anything; your only crime was to marry her son.

You need to ask yourself, why that was such a threat to her. Because it's all about power.

Take the emotions out of it, and you're left with a bully and her 'followers'. Said followers have seen the way she treats people, so would rather not get that same treatment.

Unfortunately, because no one has taken her to task on her outrageousness (her sons), she has become bolder in being unreasonable. She has now ended up a 'force to be reckoned with', but not through respect, through fear/passiveness. Just because they keep it zipped, doesn't mean that they agree.

Divide and conquer, and all of that...but I'm sure you know this.

You'll be fine, just don't take it to heart

No advice to add, just sympathies - what a rotten cow!

How awful for you op. I have been no contact with MIL for 25 years. Still married to DH and he sees her rarely.

A few years back my girls decided they would like to see her again. That was fine because they are old enough not to be manipulated by MIL and SIL. It didn't work out but I said absolutely nothing even though I felt hurt. That was because they were both still the same.

I think it is always very telling when one family member, usually a dil or sil, is criticised heavily by PILs. In my case, I am not ever spoken to nor is my BIL who also bit the dust.

As for my girls, well she still plays the same mind games that made me cut contact. For example, when my dd2, who is a lovely girl, got married she gave her a fiver in a card. It was to make her wonder what she had done wrong, something she did with me continually over the years. You are then meant to try harder until you make up for whatever slight she has imagined.

When she was born, she never sent a card nor gift. When my dh mentioned this, she sent money for an easter egg - £1.50 made up of coins through the post to show how low her value was to her.

I never give her a second thought now. Her dh died and she has a long suffering bf/partner who my girls tell me she is absolutely horrible to.

She will never change and you have to learn to manage the situation. I can completely feel what you are feeling op. How someone so toxic and rotten gets to enjoy your lovely children when you feel you cannot tell them the truth.

If your STBXH wouldn't stand up for you when you were a couple, he sure as hell isn't going to do it now!

Unfortunately, unless the DC are unsafe whilst in his care, his contact time with them is his time and you don't get a say.

I don't think your friend who sent the pic of your ex MIL was particularly helpful, either.

Your mother in law sounds appalling, I've never in my life come across anybody quite like her. I mean, most people have some negative points but she seems to have them all. She is just nasty! I want to say a couple of things, op, but will read the entire thread first and return.

@Rathmobhaile

Honestly - step back from the drama and be the steady, predictable and reliable parent that they need. Don't comment on your inlaws to them - it'll only make things harder and more confusing for your kids. As other posters have said - detach yourself. You come across as far too reactive to the situation and with an eagerness to be told how right you are. You are right - you don't need to be told this any more as you know it. So rise above the drama and be the safe haven your kids deserve.

I agree with this. You have done nothing wrong so have nothing to prove. As your kids grow they will see how their grandmother is and live their own lives without her influence.

I don't understand why your husband never stuck up for you, he is very weak. I'm wondering if he is from a culture where respect for parents is mandatory regardless.

The woman is completely bonkers and you have my sympathy.

Pancakebreakiii Do you see EX SIL and cousins separately or only when they are at GP,

OP that sounds so horrible - unfortunately I don't think there's anything you can do other than play the long game. When they're older she'll no doubt turn on them when they refuse to comply with her every demand, and that will be that.

You're doing the right thing by not telling DC they they're awful and aka by leaving that family.

Oh op I get it.
My ILs are vile but they showered the children with presents and stuff I could never afford, had no boundaries and did all the fun stuff..so the kids adored them. As the children got older they really started noticing their behaviour to me and SIL and rapidly went off them
Long story short we went no contact for years which was bliss but now Mil is dying Fil has started to contact The kids again. I’ve stayed completely neutral however non of the kids want to know him

What is the custody arrangement with your ex?
She's only deluding herself here. The kids will find out for themselves that she's not very nice and actually won't want anything to do with her when they're older. You're their mother so you'll always come first in their affections. The photo was definitely sent to antagonise you.

@Jeremyironsnothing

Given you've seen her diss sil to her kids, you are right to be concerned about what she is saying to yours.

Unfortunately, unless you can get dh on board, you can't dictate where he takes them in his time.

The kids will work out what she's like in time, in the meantime take the high road. Don't make anything an issue that will make it difficult for the kids. Approach it from their perspective.

I think this is really sound advice. It sounds really awful and upsetting, but don't let it eat you up. If you have an ok relationship with your ex-dh you might be able to talk to him about it being best for the kids if everyone (including ex-MIL) is neutral/positive about all relatives to your kids. I think considering it from your kids' perspective is tricky if you sense she has been negative about you to them, so if you can head that off you'll feel better.