AIBU to want to do a shit in peace??

[Cantshitalone]

Can't make this shit up!! No pun intended.
I'm not joking!! It's almost as if,as soon as the shit particles leave my anus and enter the atmosphere, it's an international signal to come and bang on the fucking bathroom door!!

Last night I did two shits, and low and behold,soon as the shit enters the air so does the ritual banging on the bathroom door...MUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMM bang bang

Fuck off!!!! .
MUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. Can I get a drink??

Seriously why are you fucking asking me I've never deprived you of from drinks, you know where the fridge is!!!

Anyway, not shit since yesterday.
Wake up.
Kids asleep.
Go for a shit,this is my moment surely???

Poop comes out into the atmosphere... particles float to child's nose.... and...

MUMMMMMMM bang bang bang on the door. Oh sorry mum didn't know you were in there!!

Oh did you not?? Can't fucking escape!!!!
Most people want a spa day or a shopping spree. I just want my shit to leave my anus a enter the waters of the toilet bowl without someone sniffing around!!

I long to shit in peace!!!

That's made me laugh , I would love to say that as the children get older you will be able to shit in peace but not necessarily I'm afraid. My dd18 knocks on the en-suite door sometimes looking for me then says ' oh right I'll sit on the bed and wait for you then ' yep that's great just what I wanted ffs

It’s the same for me but with a shower. The kids hear me close the shower door and all hell breaks loose!

Yesterday, by the time I was getting dried I had one sitting on the toilet (lid down just obviously wanted to be close to me, she’s 12!) one brushing their teeth (other bathrooms are no good apparently or just couldn’t wait) and one talking to the other from the doorway. Even the bloody dog comes in 😂

In our case, it’s the cats! Close the bathroom door for some privacy for any reason and cue frantic scratching at the door!

When we have to let them in, they then sit and watch agog whatever we are doing! One of them sees it as an opportunity to get a drink from the running tap!

😂

Thanks for my morning laugh. Love the username too.

Good luck, I'll keep my fingers crossed you get to have a nice quiet poo today 🙂

You’ll never shit alone, I think is the only universal thing to happen to all parents.

Along with my five year old I also have a cat and a puppy sat watching, we have however made progress, he used to try and sit on my lap so I would be trying to wrestle him off while pooing.

I have decided when he moves out that I will regularly burst into his bathroom and try and sit on his knee while he does a poo. I’m also going to chuck food around the kitchen, smear my greasy hands all over the walls and scream at random intervals.

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 I almost spit my coffee out reading this!!

Oh me. It seems it's going to get worse, my kids are nowhere near the teenage years!! Oh no!! Oh f#@ my life!! 😭😭😭😂
How will I do this, I'll need to start doing secret shits or something. Like pretend I'm not going for a poo, but wear a disguise then....OK I'VE GOT IT!! I'll pretend I'm going to clean the bathroom!! I'll make a point of passing the kids rooms with bleach in hand and marigolds on while saying loudly...

"JUST GOING TO CLEAN THE BATHROOM!!! NOT SHITTING!!! JUST CLEANING!!! JUUUUUSSSSTTTTTT CLEANING!!!!!"

Seriously why is mum in the bathroom an issue?? Yesterday I was sitting on the sofa and closed my eyes for about 3 seconds, then middle child yells "MUM!!!!! ARE YOU OK???" to which I jump out of my skin!!

Can't close my eyes. Can't shit. Like seriously what can I do?? Provide meals, room service, house cleaning, full fridge etc etc etc

Oh fucking hell how long will this last!! 😂😂😂

Yanbu. They'd drive you around the DM.
My DS has some repetitive words Mammy been one he will repeat it on loop all day even sitting beside him, it drives me silently insane.

*Around the bend.

My children’s bladders are set to activate the second my bum hits the toilet seat. “Let me in Muuummmmm! I’m busting!”

I can't even leave the room most of the time.

Walk to the kitchen. Less than half a second later:-
DS: Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeam
DD: I didn't kick him!
DS: That's miiiiiiiiine!
DD: I had it first!

My youngest has walked in before, whilst I’m in the toilet, with a book ‘mummy can you read to me?’, and proceeded to sit on me. Whilst I’m doing a poo.

Haha yes!! Don't even get me started on the repetitive phrases!!
I honestly wish Elsa would fuck off! Or Anna or Olaf, whichever annoying idiot it is!! I'm sick of listening SO YOU WANNA BUILD A SNOWMANNNNNN, SO YOU WANNA BUILD A SNOWWWWMANNNN

FUCK OFF!!! I want to build three meter sound proof ear muffs to stop listening to the same shite on repeat all day!! 😂😭

Last night I did two shits is that normal pooing you're doing?

Who the hell voted YABU???

Why is it as soon as my back is turned a fight has started? I mean, how? I can turn and walk away for one second and they’re arguing. This week I have been shouty mum, and I feel awful for it but my god they test my patience (obviously still love them and tell them that).

Sounds like you need a large "Do not Disturb" sign. I'm not saying it will work but at least they can't then feign ignorance if you're cross with them.

Or several signs and maybe a hat.

I think I'm just trying to prove a point. Two shits in one day. That's normal. Why can't I shit in harmony?? My husband has a grand old time in the bathroom!! Feels like he's in there for weeks!!!
Is there a secret shitting club I don't know about??

Haha and yes, soon as I turn my head the kids are literally smashing each other in the face with chairs or something, because one breathed in the others direction or something like that....

I am sick of hearing my kids shout mum every time i shit. Usually loudly from the other side of the house resulting in me hollering back "I'm in the toilet!!!!!!" The neighbour must think we are crazy.

It doesn't sound normal Mark. It doesn't smell normal.

My husband has a grand old time in the bathroom!! Feels like he's in there for weeks!!!
Is there a secret shitting club I don't know about?

If there is, then my DH is also a member.

He also claims they come in when he’s in there. Lies.

None of you have a lock on the door?

You need to retrain your bladder so you only ever poop when the house is empty or everyone is asleep. The only downside is your family will think you’re an alien. My 7 year old actually said to the husband once “Don’t be silly Daddy. Mummy doesn’t poo!” 😂

This made me laugh , my daughter used to drive me up the wall doing it . Now she has grown up its the doorbell or phone

@EatsShootsAndRuns

None of you have a lock on the door?

Locked doors? Little switch just flicks, you know? Ever since Dad locked me in the airing cupboard to monitor the home brew.