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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want to do a shit in peace??

60 replies

Cantshitalone · 16/08/2020 08:23

Can't make this shit up!! No pun intended.
I'm not joking!! It's almost as if,as soon as the shit particles leave my anus and enter the atmosphere, it's an international signal to come and bang on the fucking bathroom door!!

Last night I did two shits, and low and behold,soon as the shit enters the air so does the ritual banging on the bathroom door...MUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMM bang bang

Fuck off!!!! .
MUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. Can I get a drink??

Seriously why are you fucking asking me I've never deprived you of from drinks, you know where the fridge is!!!

Anyway, not shit since yesterday.
Wake up.
Kids asleep.
Go for a shit,this is my moment surely???

Poop comes out into the atmosphere... particles float to child's nose.... and...

MUMMMMMMM bang bang bang on the door. Oh sorry mum didn't know you were in there!!

Oh did you not?? Can't fucking escape!!!!
Most people want a spa day or a shopping spree. I just want my shit to leave my anus a enter the waters of the toilet bowl without someone sniffing around!!

I long to shit in peace!!!

OP posts:

LakieLady · 16/08/2020 09:44

You need to install a secret outdoor lav in the shed or a corner of the garage or something.

Announce you're going to get the lawnmower out, shit in the shed, job done.

JadesRollerDisco · 16/08/2020 09:45

I have got to the point that the moment I hear a child's voice the poop won't come out. I have been known to go all weekend unable to poop, and then have to find a toilet, then come Monday after drop off, I'm trying to find a public toilet on the way home (there isn't one), because my bowels have immediately relaxed knowing no little people will be screaming, shouting, asking me thousands of questions, etc. At least we have a lock on the door now! Priorities, right!

ErrolTheDragon · 16/08/2020 09:48

None of you have a lock on the door?

We disabled the bathroom locks when DD was small having heard too many stories of toddlers managing to lock themselves in. (We only got around to putting them back on this year when DD came back from uni with her BF. We just always assumed closed door meant it was occupied.)

A bolt high up out of reach of a small child might help...

NCParanoia · 16/08/2020 09:52

Oh wow my DP is also a member of the secret shitting society, its more exclusive than the Hurlingham Club (men only, natch). Any chance your OHs are also in the 'shave face 3 mins before we are due to leave and leave all the fucking hair in the sink' club too?

whatnow41 · 16/08/2020 09:54

Not as annoying, my kid leaves me alone, but my cat sits there watching me shit every. Single. Time.

Saisong · 16/08/2020 09:59

Mine are early teens, yet I still have to ask them (through the locked door) if we can wait to have a conversation until I'm done. Yes they sit on the bed and wait to complain about each other's farting crimes

They also love to ask random questions from the furthest reaches of the house, usually when I have a tap running/fan oven/radio on and can't quite hear.

Their final trick in driving me to drink is to save up random and inane questions for bedtime (as a delaying tactic no doubt). Even after the are supposedly tucked up one will appear with "Muuuum, three things..."

dementedma · 16/08/2020 09:59

Other than when they were tiny and I needed to keep an eye on them, mine have never been allowed in the bathroom when Im on the loo or in the bath. I am entitled to privacy so a few times of saying " No, wait till I come out" did the trick and have had many years of peaceful poos, pees, baths and showers. Lock on the door, or high up bolt if you are worried about them locking themselves in also helps them get the message.

StCharlotte · 16/08/2020 10:00

I have decided when he moves out that I will regularly burst into his bathroom and try and sit on his knee while he does a poo. I’m also going to chuck food around the kitchen, smear my greasy hands all over the walls and scream at random intervals.

Nope. You already had your turn when you were little. He'll get his cumuppance if he has his own children.

Phillipa12 · 16/08/2020 10:01

They just know. I managed a bath with chocolate, G and T and a film on netflix last week with no disturbances, but the instant I sit on the loo for a shit i have 20 questions from my 5 and 6 year old.

DarkMintChocolate · 16/08/2020 10:02

I am afraid locks are meaningless to cats, and would only result in scratch marks all over the (new) doors!

itsgettingweird · 16/08/2020 10:03

Oh dear I'm crying 🤣

It's so totally totally true for so many of us but I could never describe it the way you did.

I started many moons ago responding to

"Mmmummmmmm" when I was clearly not in a position to actually help (usually bathroom)

"Are you bleeding?"
"Is your leg/arm/head hanging off?"
"Do you need an ambulance?"

"No"

Well you can wait until I'm finished then can't you.

This worked really well. Except the one day he did it again and "are you bleeding" was answered with "yes, everywhere".

He'd actually, for once, decided that as mum was having a dump he'd climb on the kitchen worktop and get what he needed himself.

3 hours in a and e later he was glued back together!

Original poster

Cantshitalone · 16/08/2020 10:28

Hahahaha!! Oh I can relate!!
I was taking a shower and when I turned it off I could hear banging on the front door and death screams from the kitchen!

DD had climbed onto the counter top and helped herself to chocolate from the highest reaches, and then couldn't climb down so was stuck and began to scream like she was being murdered.
To which the concerned neighbour came round banging frantically on the front door (bless them,very kind)
To which bewildered me wonders what the actual fuck is going on upon exiting the shower, answering the door with towel draping off, and child still screaming (why did other children not help??)

Yes I think my neighbours think I'm actually mental too.

And yes to the hairs in the sink 'oh I didn't notice' club!! 😂😂

OP posts:

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 16/08/2020 10:28

Try having constipation.....

And also l knit and crochet. I’ve given up trying to do anything that needs lots of counting. I once timed and averaged out how many times I got interrupted when trying to count. It was every 2 1/2 minutes.

If I’m not trying to poo or count stitches, no one ever talks to me. Them just when l think it’s safe....

Original poster

Cantshitalone · 16/08/2020 10:34

I know right?? Trying to watch a 49 minute programme takes about 3 days!!

OP posts:

LaLaLandIsNoFun · 16/08/2020 10:37

Yup - not even two minutes peace. And yet my delightful ex regularly went for 45 minute shits and I managed to ensure he was left in peace....

starfishmummy · 16/08/2020 10:47

@JadesRollerDisco

This. I like privacy to poo. So between ds insisting on standing outside the bathroom door talking to me and dh working with in earshot of our only loo - and often on a skype conference call, it is getting difficult!!

(Ues I know we all do it, but since wfh dh has taken over the local shopping, he keeps buying wholemeal bread and I am so very noisily windy!!)

Missushbb · 16/08/2020 10:56

It's true though isn't it? My DH does it too, I can guarantee when I'm in the toilet one of them will shout for me. I hate it. I've started doing it to DH to show how bloody annoying and stressful it is. I actually got a sign made up saying keep out do not enter that I was going to put up, haven't put it up yet!! My 8 year old said it was quite rude. The irony!!

Marshmallow91 · 16/08/2020 12:19

I am also too familiar in this. I don't even bother closing the door half the time because even though dad is there offering to play, my daughter and dog would rather sit either side of me to make sure i won't suddenly decide to climb out of the bathroom window and escape which had crossed my mind

MitziK · 16/08/2020 13:01

@DarkMintChocolate

In our case, it’s the cats! Close the bathroom door for some privacy for any reason and cue frantic scratching at the door!

When we have to let them in, they then sit and watch agog whatever we are doing! One of them sees it as an opportunity to get a drink from the running tap!

Who are you and where are you hiding in my house?

MitziK · 16/08/2020 13:15

@EatsShootsAndRuns

None of you have a lock on the door?

Not since I had to rescue DP from in there because it had spontaneously decided to fall apart on the inside, no.

MsEllany · 16/08/2020 13:20

Mine are 11 and 8 and still do this.

It’s like - mum can I have a banana?

Let me get this straight, child mine.

You got up from the sofa, where you were sitting next to your father.

You come upstairs and bang on the bathroom door.

I say - go away I’m having a poo.

So in you come to ask for a sodding banana?!

Even if I’ve got an angry face on it’s like the only time it doesn’t bother them.

Justgivemewine · 16/08/2020 13:32

Crying with laughter here. Kids are looking at me and asking what I’m laughing at.

It’s so funny because it’s so true. 🤣🤣

I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve ranted “I’m not the only adult in this house” when they take 10 minutes to find me to ask something they could’ve easily asked an available dh 10 minutes ago.

tarheelbaby · 16/08/2020 13:33

for @SimonJT and the rest of you:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/a1983385-When-my-teens-have-their-own-homes-I-shall

This ancient thread still makes me cry with laughter.

AgnesNaismith · 16/08/2020 13:38

Same here.....that and I find dh lurking around outside our en suite as soon as I open the door, having a shy bowel is not ideal in lockdown. There is definitely a siren that goes off as the rest of the time I have to try and kick them off their bums and out of the lounge.

It’s all exhausting.

Dylaninthemovies1 · 16/08/2020 13:47

I just knew you had young kids by the title

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