AIBU to want to do a shit in peace??

[Cantshitalone]

Can't make this shit up!! No pun intended.
I'm not joking!! It's almost as if,as soon as the shit particles leave my anus and enter the atmosphere, it's an international signal to come and bang on the fucking bathroom door!!

Last night I did two shits, and low and behold,soon as the shit enters the air so does the ritual banging on the bathroom door...MUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMM bang bang

Fuck off!!!! .
MUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. Can I get a drink??

Seriously why are you fucking asking me I've never deprived you of from drinks, you know where the fridge is!!!

Anyway, not shit since yesterday.
Wake up.
Kids asleep.
Go for a shit,this is my moment surely???

Poop comes out into the atmosphere... particles float to child's nose.... and...

MUMMMMMMM bang bang bang on the door. Oh sorry mum didn't know you were in there!!

Oh did you not?? Can't fucking escape!!!!
Most people want a spa day or a shopping spree. I just want my shit to leave my anus a enter the waters of the toilet bowl without someone sniffing around!!

I long to shit in peace!!!

We have an ensuite off our loft room, so 2 flights of stairs up. They still come looking for me. I managed to slip out of the room unnoticed the other day and heard DD say
'DS! Mummy has escaped!'

I had a St Bernard that would head butt the door open to sit & join me in the bathroom, whether on the loo or in the bath. If dh was on the loo, she would sit in his trousers/underpants & trap him 🤣.

Ha ha , you are absolutely correct Op.
It’s funny how they don’t knock on the door when dh is in there( dh can be there for forty five minutes, I kid you not) but the minute I sit my flabby arse on the toilet seat they start screaming for me ( mine are all teens btw, so it doesn’t get better)

@LakieLady

You need to install a secret outdoor lav in the shed or a corner of the garage or something.

Announce you're going to get the lawnmower out, shit in the shed, job done.

I have to confess that there lives a bucket and a loo roll in our shed ever since we had painters in that decided to take off both bathroom doors and paint them at the same time. Meaning that we couldn't go for 8 hours. DH went for a walk in the woods, I just "went gardening" peed in the bucket in my shed.

A bolt high up out of reach of a small child might help...

This is what I meant by a lock.

I have a DH who will knock on the bathroom door and enquire what I'm doing. On being told ” I’m trying to have a poo” he’ll often say ”I’ll wait here for you to come out” and I hear him lie on the bed.

My bum then gets shy and gives up.

Hahaha OP this is hilarious. You have voiced my pain. Our toilet door is locked and my five year old actually tried to SIT ON MY LAP while I was trying to go yesterday. I already had a baby say on the floor giving me a round of applause. A normal person would fix the bathroom lock but I lost my mind and have moved to my Mum’s for the week. She has three bathrooms and they all have locks and my kids forget about the downstairs one! Result. (Sorry Mum).

You think kids interrupting you is bad?

Whenever I go for a shit, I close the door, and 2 minutes later my husband has some brilliant business venture he just HAS to tell me about, or he wants to talk to me, with passion, about the most boring TV shows or games.

Sometimes he doesn't come in, sometimes he just shouts these discussions from where ever he is in the house, but always while I'm the toilet with the bathroom fan whirring so I can't hear and I'm constantly shouting back "Whaaaat? I can't fucking hear you!"

Well the smug from yesterday came back to get me. I may have a lock on the bathroom door, but my kids have worked out how to undo it from the outside. Monsters.

Haha this is making me giggle our bathroom is downstairs just off the kitchen so I have no escape, even a 30 second pee turns into my 2 year old dd trashing the bathroom. And my dp is also a member of the secret shitting society. He somehow manages to do several 30-40 min shits (minimum) in compete peace and quiet. annoys the life out of me

We’ve never had a lock on the bathroom door incase the kids lock themselves in.

But I’ve just realised that may be the solution to my problem! They can do that and I’ll use the downstairs loo in peace.