Did DP overreact or am I?

[User964667]

I've massively fallen out with my partner and need to know if I'm overreacting or not. Weve been together 4 years and lived together nearly a year, both have 12yo dds who generally get along well, but he doesn't discipline his at all. Literally never tells her off for anything. If he says anything she doesn't like she refuses to visit (eg my dd leaves her phone on charge downstairs at night, his is on hers until the early hours. If she's especially tired and grumpy and asks her to put her phone away for the night she will sob and refuse to visit for the next 2 weekends). She is an incredibly fussy eater so we have to make her a separate meal, and she will often make vomit noises at the rest of our food, say it smells disgusting etc. He will just very mildly say "Oh come on, please don't say that, its nice I promise" etc and not stop her, whereas I would never allow my dd to behave like that. Its not that hes harsh on my dd - its not his business to discipline her and he knows that. But these are just 2 of a million examples and its draining. Didnt realise he was like this with her until they moved in here, and every time she comes to stay I lose more respect for him.

So yesterday our dds argued about something and his dd picked my dds ring light up and threw it at the wall, smashing it. DP just said "Oh it must have been an accident, she wouldn't have meant it, never mind" etc - didn't even ask her to apologise, although he did say he would buy a new one. When ordering it he asked his dd did she want one of her own and bought them both one, which really annoyed me as she got a reward for breaking something, but I left it and just comforted my dd.

Then about an hour after that he went outside to discover one of the chairs of our new garden furniture is broken. The girls had been dancing on them earlier and I assume one of them has put their foot through the chair somehow. It almost certainly was them but he has no proof, and I'm sure it wasn't deliberate. Well he went absolutely ballistic, roared at them both and demanded both their phones, said they weren't having them back for a week (his dd was already going back to her mums that night so he couldn't have followed through, but I dont do empty threats so I assume he thought my dds punishment would be carried on while his wouldnt). Made them both cry - hes usually very passive so we were all shocked. I came in and told him to stop being ridiculous, he didn't know it was them and even if he did it was a huge overreaction to an accident, especially bearing in mind his earlier reaction to the light being thrown. He accused me of undermining him and refused to give the phones back, tried to leave with my dds phone in his pocket. I told him not to come back until he's calm and ready to apologise and he stayed out last night.

I need to get rid of him dont I? The total lack of parenting is bad enough but when he reacts like that to something of HIS being broken then it just makes the whole thing even worse. For context the garden furniture was expensive and he just spent his bonus from work on it 2 weeks ago, but I dont think that matters, his reaction was still ridiculous

His reaction to her breaking something of your dd then buying them both new ones... Wow.

Sorry pressed send too soon... Why does he think its OK if your dd possessions are broken but not his?

Ouch. Another spineless Disney dad who unsurprisingly is oversensitive to being "undermined" when they make the wrong call because they know they're in the wrong.

This will be a constant battle OP. "I will parent my DD how I choose, do not interfere, and parent both DDs how I choose, and any criticism is undermining me".

Interestingly he's behaving exactly like his DD does when she hears something she doesn't like.

Whose house is it? I hope you got your daughters phone back this wouod be a deal breaker for me

he needs to go, you've answered your own question

Yes, you need to get rid of him.

What a total arsehole. I’m sorry but you said it yourself - he needs to go or your daughter will never forgive you for allowing a man to live in her home and treat her this way.

He can't take your dds phone away from her whilst his dd is allowed hers.
Some things I get such as the fussy eating. I was a fussy eater myself and trust me it is not as simple as choosing to be awkward. However I think you need to speak output dh about boundaries. Maybe point out that he needs to be consistent.

Get rid. But tell him why loudly.

Had this with my now ex husband and his children. It got worse not better, a huge part of the reason he’s now my ex husband’s @User964667

Honestly, I might get over an overreaction to new, expensive furniture being broken by them both, but what I couldn't forgive would be the way he lets his own daughter walk all over him and refuses to punish her and actually carry through on it. Reading your post has filled me with disgust. I could never respect a man like that, and it's terribly unfair to your own daughter to stick her into such an unhealthy parent-child dynamic, even if your partner usually leaves her punishments entirely up to you.

At the very least, I'd tell him that you disagree on how he's raising his daughter and will not allow him to dictate punishments for your daughter, ever, just as you leave his daughter entirely to him.

Why do you live with a man who treats your daughter like that ?

So it’s ok when something is broken that doesn’t affect him, nice!

He can’t enforce a punishment on your daughter that won’t be enforced on his own.

Thanks for replies. This is the first times he's attempted to 'discipline' my dd and yes I got her phone back he wouldnt have made it out the house alive with it. But the unfairness has been there all along, because I won't drop all my rules just because he has none so even though its not him enforcing it, they're not being treated equally. Similarly during lockdown we did homeschooling every day and his dd sat and watched TV and refused to do a thing. Now I know its actually his dd whos losing out- she was behind at school even before 6 months off with no homeschooling, she doesn't have hobbies or interests because she's totally addicted to her phone, she struggles with friendships as she has no boundaries - but it doesn't feel that way to 12 year old when one is doing algebra and one is watching spongebob for hours on end. I've always seen it as we parent differently but we have to make the decisions for our own kids, but this has made me realise that its not good enough, and hes not going to change so he will have to go. Hate the idea of losing his dd though, shes hard work but I love her to bits.

Being a fussy eater is one thing, but there's no call for making gagging or barfing sounds about someone else's food, especially in the room with them while they're eating it!

Different situation but DH & I often disagree on how to discipline our DC. We’ve been trying to work on saying to the DC “we are going to discuss this and let you know what we decide” and then hash it out together and present a united front. It may be too far gone for this but it’s just an idea.

Why in earth didn’t you both stop them dancing on the chairs as soon as you knew they were doing it?

His behaviour over the light was terrible. It isn’t fair on your Dd to bring a man into her home who allows his Dd trash her stuff without consequence.

On the other hand I would be very angry with 12 year olds dancing on the type of furniture that a foot could go through. It in any furniture, really.

But your point is well made: he doesn’t care if other people’s stuff gets broken, just his.

And you seem to have no communication between you over who can say what to each child.

Was he planning to keep his Ds’s phone back when she returned to her Mum’s?

Anyway, communication is lacking, either work hard in that with plenty of honest exploration about parenting and make it work, or else let the relationship go.

Oh OP I feel you!
I was with a guy for 3 years, lived with him for 4 months before kicking him out!
I have full custody of my nephew (not through any fault of my brother. His wife passed away when he was 3 and we lost my brother when he was 7) We moved him in slowly over 6 months or so to avoid it being a massive change for my DN.
He was doing very similar thing when his DS came over. His DS was just shy of 2 years old than my DN (who is autistic I might add) at the time, they were 12 and 14(ish) DPs DS would tell my DN to do things, take his things, tease him and when he had wound him up to the point of a melt down, he would laugh at him. Not going to lie, I hated that kid for that! I sat DPs DS down and explained how he was being a mega prick and spoke to DP who said “boys will be boys”.... I packed his crap and kicked him out of our house. My DN and his mental health (already damaged from losing his parents) will always come first. Seriously, his brat is a little thug. Also had some major anger issues.

What happened in the 3 years that you didn’t live together?

Do you actually have to live together?

The girls have at best 4 years of “parenting” before it becomes a case of merely housing, money and advice. I mean if you don’t like him - the ick - them bin him. Otherwise it seems a bit dramatic for a problem that has a foreseeable end.

I think for your dd's sake you seriously need to reconsider this relationship. She is going to grow up massively resenting him, and very possibly you as well. I have seen too many times the result of a child growing up with a step-parent they have good reason to despise and it is incredibly damaging. Children need harmonious homes shared with adults who love them and treat them fairly and compassionately. Your duty as a mother to provide that for her is more important than you having a relationship.

No way would I allow my child to be treated so unfairly. What kind of message is that sending her?- that people can treat her like shit, break her stuff deliberately and not only do they not get told off for it, they get a present for it? Your partner is a complete dickhead. Please put your child first and leave this vile wanker.

OP you sound very sensible and level headed and he’s a weak and spineless Disney dad who is ruining his daughter by refusing to show her how to behave and grow up to be a decent human. He clearly doesn’t care about the effect his daughter is having on yours, but overreacts wildly when it’s his own possessions at stake.

I think you’re right that unless he is prepared to make a massive change you can’t keep on living together. That may also signal the end of the relationship. You will have to manage it carefully to minimise disruption for your daughter and his (and especially to make sure his daughter doesn’t feel that she is to blame) but I think it will be better in the long run.

You can’t discipline each other’s children? Sorry it sounds like either of you never fully committed to blending your families and that either needs to change or yes might be better to go your seperate ways.

@DocOfTheBay We should have stopped them dancing on the furniture I agree but it didn't occur to me that they could break it - personally I think it cant have been very well made as both girls are very slim. They werent up there for ages, just making 30sec tiktok videos. Anyway, we both saw them and didn't stop them so seems highly unfair to flip out later. In terms of the communication we just don't discipline each others kids, and that usually works fine. His dd stays here 1 night a week max (her choice) and we've never had major issues before, until lockdown when she started staying a lot more as her dad was furloughed and her mum still working - things have deteriorated from there really. Oh, and he would never have kept her phone back- hes terrified of upsetting her in any way. He probably would have backed down to my dd too but I wasn't waiting for that - in a million years I wouldnt let anyone have a go at her like he tried to.

@AnytimeIsWineTime that sounds so hard! My partners dd isn't horrible at all and they're usually best friends, shes just completely spoiled. I feel sorry for her. He is the issue not her.

@Leflic when we didnt live together thing were perfect, and they still have been in most ways. But his shit parenting has chipped away at my respect for him and after this last incident I dont think there's any left.

Pretty illuminating that when his kid breaks something belonging to your kid, he's all que sera, sera. But when they both break something that adversely affects him, he blows a gasket.

His failure to parent his own child would put me off even without the other stuff.