Did DP overreact or am I?

[User964667]

I've massively fallen out with my partner and need to know if I'm overreacting or not. Weve been together 4 years and lived together nearly a year, both have 12yo dds who generally get along well, but he doesn't discipline his at all. Literally never tells her off for anything. If he says anything she doesn't like she refuses to visit (eg my dd leaves her phone on charge downstairs at night, his is on hers until the early hours. If she's especially tired and grumpy and asks her to put her phone away for the night she will sob and refuse to visit for the next 2 weekends). She is an incredibly fussy eater so we have to make her a separate meal, and she will often make vomit noises at the rest of our food, say it smells disgusting etc. He will just very mildly say "Oh come on, please don't say that, its nice I promise" etc and not stop her, whereas I would never allow my dd to behave like that. Its not that hes harsh on my dd - its not his business to discipline her and he knows that. But these are just 2 of a million examples and its draining. Didnt realise he was like this with her until they moved in here, and every time she comes to stay I lose more respect for him.

So yesterday our dds argued about something and his dd picked my dds ring light up and threw it at the wall, smashing it. DP just said "Oh it must have been an accident, she wouldn't have meant it, never mind" etc - didn't even ask her to apologise, although he did say he would buy a new one. When ordering it he asked his dd did she want one of her own and bought them both one, which really annoyed me as she got a reward for breaking something, but I left it and just comforted my dd.

Then about an hour after that he went outside to discover one of the chairs of our new garden furniture is broken. The girls had been dancing on them earlier and I assume one of them has put their foot through the chair somehow. It almost certainly was them but he has no proof, and I'm sure it wasn't deliberate. Well he went absolutely ballistic, roared at them both and demanded both their phones, said they weren't having them back for a week (his dd was already going back to her mums that night so he couldn't have followed through, but I dont do empty threats so I assume he thought my dds punishment would be carried on while his wouldnt). Made them both cry - hes usually very passive so we were all shocked. I came in and told him to stop being ridiculous, he didn't know it was them and even if he did it was a huge overreaction to an accident, especially bearing in mind his earlier reaction to the light being thrown. He accused me of undermining him and refused to give the phones back, tried to leave with my dds phone in his pocket. I told him not to come back until he's calm and ready to apologise and he stayed out last night.

I need to get rid of him dont I? The total lack of parenting is bad enough but when he reacts like that to something of HIS being broken then it just makes the whole thing even worse. For context the garden furniture was expensive and he just spent his bonus from work on it 2 weeks ago, but I dont think that matters, his reaction was still ridiculous

[quote User964667]@Somethingkindaoooo I do tell her about the sick noises, about moaning loudly and going lalalala whenever anything she doesnt like is on TV, about throwing sweet wrappers on the floor, leaving dirty cups and plates everywhere, being rude to staff in shops and restaurants etc etc etc and to be fair so does her dad. But hes sooooo meek and mild about it that she ignores him, and he doesnt follow through so it never improves[/quote]
I couldn’t live with a child like that where the parent did nothing and your hands were tied.

I once went on a date with a guy. He was late because his daughter wouldn’t get ready and he kept telling me how funny it was that she wouldn’t do what she was told
He didn’t get a second date!

Sorry also just realised you said he’s rude to people in shops and restaurants? I couldn’t be with someone like that.

So every time you have a disagreement he's going to stay out all night ?
That response is enough to end a relationship. It's such an immature response.
Fully functioning people who care about relationships do not behave in this way . It's manipulative, immature and avoidant.

Sorry but I'm with him. Your two examples are meaningless. I allowed my kids to have their phone with them at 12yo and I 2oyld have reacted as he did to her typical teenage attitude. All 3 kids have turned young adults to be proud of.

As for the chairs, if I'd known they'd been dancing on it easier, I would have been angry too as at that age they should have known better and too much of a coincidence that they could have broken by some other miraculous way.

As for the broken toy, that's different, but you don't say how the argument happened. If they normally get along, it sounds like both might have misbehaved. I would have tried to get to the bottom of it and punished both.

But I do agree that buying his daughter one there and then was not good discipline.

OP, I work with children and families and have seen this scenario play out so many times. I'm sorry to say it never ends well and your DD is the one who is likely to suffer most. In your position I would definitely end the relationship. If you don't then, based on my experience, one of three things will happen

1. Your DD will become increasingly unhappy. She will resent your DP, his DD and eventually you for allowing the unfairness to continue leaving her feeling isolated in her own home.
2. Your DD will start displaying the negative behaviours she sees your Partner's DD getting away with- if you can't beat them join them! Lets face it, your DP's DD's behaviour is only going to get worse as you enter the teenage years given his lack of boundaries or consistency so we could be talking about far worse than a brown garden chair a year or two down the line.
3. You will start unconsciously lowering your own parenting standards to meet his as the contrast in the way the girls are treated becomes untenable. This will address the inequality between the girls but will also invite a shit-ton of other problems!

Sorry to be so negative, OP but you sound like a lovely Mum and you and your DD deserve better than the shit-show that your family life is probably going to become if you stay in this situation

It isn't working.

You know it isn't, and it is not fair to your dd.

Call it a day on the living arrangements and see where it goes from there. It will only get harder as they become teenagers if you continue. This is the easy part in many respects....

Yes op he needs to go. You can tell him you have no respect for his utterly atrocious level of poor parenting and you are now ashamed of him.

I think your parenting styles are incompatible and it won’t work for you to have two teenagers living together but being brought up totally differently.

Maybe you could still date but live separately ?

Maybe you could still date but live separately

Why would op want to date someone who roared at her dd for possibly breaking something and took her phone despite it not being his place to discipline her. And bought his own dd a present for breaking one of op’s dd’s belongings? And then, in a rage, he stayed out all night. Why would she want to date that man?

Op, move on. Dont waste your time on him.

The chair may be the straw that broke the camel’s back, so if it’s a one off, I would not hold that against him. We all lose our tempers at least once, usually a handful of times in 18yrs of child raising.

I think the key problem is that you are two families living in same house. You and your DP are just parenting in complete isolation from each other, two girls of the same age. You are having no discussions and no unity in how to raise 12yr old girls. It’s different rules, expectations and consequences for each child. This can only cause conflict and a sense of unfairness on both sides.

The only way forward is for you and DP to align your parenting into a single approach that treats both girls equally.

Yeah it’s not working is it?

I can’t believe how he reacted to your daughter too, can you imagine his reaction if you were like that to his daughter?

What he’s rude to staff in shops and throws his rubbish on the floor??

It’s interesting neither girl came to either of you and said sorry we broke the furniture,

I did ask up thread but not sure you saw it.
Have you talked this through with him before? Figured out ways he can handle her behaviour?

As you said he is scared of her not coming. She sounds quite insecure in her relationship with either parents and probably uses that threat to feel wanted.

I think he needs to figure out a way to talk all of this through with her and he may not know how to do that so you could help him there.

People are going to focus on the girls dancing on the garden chairs but it's a bit of a red herring. Yes, of course they shouldn't have been doing that and OP's DP was entitled to be pissed off about an expensive piece of furniture being broken. But that's far from the biggest issue here. The issue is that he is happy to turn a blind eye to poor behaviour until it directly affects him, then he loses it. It's no big deal if his DD refuses to do any Schoolwork, breaks another child's possessions during an argument, makes exaggerated vomiting sounds at the dinner table because she doesn't like the look of someone else's food and is on her phone til the early hours of the morning at 12yo...none of that warrants any kind of consequence or even a telling off. He doesn't care that it makes life difficult or unpleasant for his partner and her DD. But the minute something he cares about gets broken he goes in all guns blazing!
He makes a unilateral decision to confiscate OP's DD's phone and then when OP dares to challenge him he punishes her by staying out all night. What kind of example is that setting to these girls?

I think this situation will become worse over time TBH! Your DD is witnessing unfairness on your DPs part ,His DD is failing at School ,and is displaying poor behaviour .Does your DD see her dad at all? Anyway I think its probably best for him to move out ,as your DD will become resentful in the long run.

Even ignoring his shit parenting and double standards, the way he reacted when you pulled him up on it is a massive red flag.

Leaving in a strop, trying to take your DD's phone with him, staying out all night neither of those are the actions of a well rounded adult that is in control of themselves.

He probably expected you to pander to his temper tantrum and back off like he does with his DD. He will punish you just like his DD does when she hears something she doesn't like.

TBH, once the respect is gone, the relationship is dead anyways.

I am sorry but people like him and his dd will not change until something serious happens to them or in their life.
They are not in a frame of mind to accept the need for negotiation. They see no need to change. Occasionally they realise that what they are doing not right, but always postpone change until conditions are "right". Tomorrow never comes!
They both need parenting. It might be possible separately but impossible to do simultaneously.

If you continue as you are your dd will be carrying an extra weights. She will start worrying about you. At 12 she can see everything but she cannot be expected to understand what it all means to the relationship.
Start making plans for change.

My eyebrows just slid further and further up my head as I was reading that - I they're hanging out somewhere near the nap of my neck right about now.

Yeah I think you might need to get rid. Even if you can live with that nonsense, your daughter might end up resenting you big time for putting up with that ☹️

I do hope OP has seen the light, so that her DD is no longer treated so unfairly in her own home.

Interesting comment up thread about his reaction to being pulled up on his behaviour is to use 'staying away' as a threat. I would expect that to make the severing of ties that little bit easier.

Leave. For your dd's sake. And your sanity

Sorry just to be clear he doesn't throw rubbish or be rude to people, his dd does and he asks her gently gently not to then says oh its okay it doesnt matter and cleans up after her so she never learns.

@welcometohell that sounds about right and NOT what I want for my family. Thank you for the advice.

@MiddleClassProblem we've spoken about it many times but he thinks I'm super strict (I'm really not I just think 12yos are capable of doing a few chores and having basic manners) and he thinks my DD is very lucky compared to his- she finds school easy and has lots of friends, she has hobbies which she enjoys and is generally happy, while his dd is a bit more glass half empty. He doesnt seem to realise that if him and his ex taught her how to treat people, his dd would have friends too, if they encouraged her to keep up with homework she would find school easier and so on. It boils down to him feeling sorry for his dd while also feeling guilty that she has a hard time at home and he doesn't see her much (she refuses to come more often). So he doesnt parent her at all and it makes it all worse.

In terms of my dd being treated unfairly that definitely is the case in this instance but usually she does understand for example why I make her eat healthy meals while his dd eats chips 3 meals a day, or why I insisted she did the work set by school while his dd watched TV. Its not her thats missing out and shes old enough to understand that. But at the same time it cant carry on with us not on the same page, we would never have tried to blend in the first place if we realised how very different our standards were. I've asked him to stay in his mums tonight and we will talk tomorrow when my DD is at her dads, but its definitely over. As a PP said once the respect has gone thats it. Thanks for all the advice.

That’s really crap if you have tried to find solutions and he hasn’t implemented them and won’t grow back bone to do so. His poor DD in all this is being let down by both her parents.

I think you are doing the right thing, not just for you but for your DD too.

You sound like a fab mum OPwho has raised a great kid. Glad you are shaking off the dead weight.

Hope the chat goes well OP

Welcometohell
People are going to focus on the girls dancing on the garden chairs but it's a bit of a red herring

Not really: it is part of his whole lack of consistency. In effect both adults condoned dancing in the chairs because they saw them doing it but neither stopped it. The Dad only reacted when he saw the damage, and blamed the girls. But because he saw it happening from the beginning he needs to take responsibility for not stopping it.
Yes, he only reacted when something of his got damaged , he also lashed out over the consequences of something he should have stopped.