I've massively fallen out with my partner and need to know if I'm overreacting or not. Weve been together 4 years and lived together nearly a year, both have 12yo dds who generally get along well, but he doesn't discipline his at all. Literally never tells her off for anything. If he says anything she doesn't like she refuses to visit (eg my dd leaves her phone on charge downstairs at night, his is on hers until the early hours. If she's especially tired and grumpy and asks her to put her phone away for the night she will sob and refuse to visit for the next 2 weekends). She is an incredibly fussy eater so we have to make her a separate meal, and she will often make vomit noises at the rest of our food, say it smells disgusting etc. He will just very mildly say "Oh come on, please don't say that, its nice I promise" etc and not stop her, whereas I would never allow my dd to behave like that. Its not that hes harsh on my dd - its not his business to discipline her and he knows that. But these are just 2 of a million examples and its draining. Didnt realise he was like this with her until they moved in here, and every time she comes to stay I lose more respect for him.
So yesterday our dds argued about something and his dd picked my dds ring light up and threw it at the wall, smashing it. DP just said "Oh it must have been an accident, she wouldn't have meant it, never mind" etc - didn't even ask her to apologise, although he did say he would buy a new one. When ordering it he asked his dd did she want one of her own and bought them both one, which really annoyed me as she got a reward for breaking something, but I left it and just comforted my dd.
Then about an hour after that he went outside to discover one of the chairs of our new garden furniture is broken. The girls had been dancing on them earlier and I assume one of them has put their foot through the chair somehow. It almost certainly was them but he has no proof, and I'm sure it wasn't deliberate. Well he went absolutely ballistic, roared at them both and demanded both their phones, said they weren't having them back for a week (his dd was already going back to her mums that night so he couldn't have followed through, but I dont do empty threats so I assume he thought my dds punishment would be carried on while his wouldnt). Made them both cry - hes usually very passive so we were all shocked. I came in and told him to stop being ridiculous, he didn't know it was them and even if he did it was a huge overreaction to an accident, especially bearing in mind his earlier reaction to the light being thrown. He accused me of undermining him and refused to give the phones back, tried to leave with my dds phone in his pocket. I told him not to come back until he's calm and ready to apologise and he stayed out last night.
I need to get rid of him dont I? The total lack of parenting is bad enough but when he reacts like that to something of HIS being broken then it just makes the whole thing even worse. For context the garden furniture was expensive and he just spent his bonus from work on it 2 weeks ago, but I dont think that matters, his reaction was still ridiculous