nephew constantly hitting my DD

[canyouhelpp]

I have been reading mumsnet posts for awhile but this is my first thread as i would really appreciate some advice

my DD is four and so is my husbands nephew (his brothers son) they love playing together and see each other often approximately once a week at my in laws house
my nephew has a bad habit of hitting and often hits my DD if I or my sil don't intervene quick enough. Now I understand children do sometimes fight but this is all the time and I always feel so sad and upset for my DD. my sil does tell him off but there are not many consequences and she has told me she is quite sensitive and doesn't want anyone else to tell him off. Today I saw him run and attack my DD by pulling her hair and shaking her before I managed to pull him off her, I was very shaken as was my daughter, my sil took him out the room but when she came back I heard her telling my mil that it's not fair that her son is labelled as naughty as my other niece used to hit him (rarely) when he was younger and she wouldnt be told off by anyone (when in fact she did) I feel she always deflects his bad behaviour on to my niece who used to sometimes hit him (two years ago) and not acknowledge that his behaviour is not acceptable and she is only enabling him by defending his actions
I have told my husband that enough is enough, why do we take our DD there knowing she will be hurt just to keep the family happy
AIBU? what would you do in my situation

Well either you stop taking DD there or you be prepared to deal with him directly yourself and the fall out of that with your SIL. But your certainly don’t let this keep happening to your DD.

Next time you visit, before They start playing you crouch down to nephew and say “nephew, remember we had a problem with hitting last time Dd was here? We aren’t going to have that again and if it happens you won’t be allowed to play with DD, okay?” And make sure you get an agreement from him. If you don’t get it, or his mother objects then just don’t let him play with your dd and if necessary, leave.

In the first instance I would tell him off myself and tell her when he goes to school and behaves like that he won't get away with it. If that doesn't work there would be no more visits and tell them why.

also just to add apart from this my sil and I have a great relationship and have always got along very well but I feel her motherly love is blinding her from seeing her son doing any wrong. when he first started hitting my DD she would make him apologise but now she says she is fed up of constantly telling him off as it doesn't make a difference

but now she says she is fed up of constantly telling him off as it doesn't make a difference

Well then she’s need to try something else!! You don’t just stop disciplining your child because it’s hard! That’s what parenting is!

Hitting is only a problem while your DD doesn’t fit back. Encourage her to hit harder and tell your Sil that the kids should learn to fight their own battles - I bet she soon learns to control the little terror!

thank you for your replies
just to add I come from a culture where family is a very big thing and to stop taking my DD there with the rest of the family would not be taken so lightly
I will probably get told that's just how kids are and to stop being precious but I know I need to take a stance and my DH also agrees

my DD is very soft in nature and will not hit back, I do worry for her. however recently when he tries to snatch a toy from her she holds onto it and refuses to give it up so that's a start

Don’t teach her to hit back. (As children grow the boys always come out better in that one) Teach her to move away from the abusive Male and tell someone. Every single time. But she will only do that if she’s knows the person she tells will take action to keep her safe. That has to be the message she gets.

thank you for your helpful replies
I am not sure how to reply to posters individually but I am taking your advice on board

What does your MIL say? I would find this very hard, and at 4 your DD will be looking to you to see how she should respond. I wouldn’t want her to think that this behaviour is OK. When you described him shaking her it was quite upsetting, for me that would have been enough. I would have a bit of a break from seeing them and if asked just say that DD was very upset after the last incident and you don’t want her to have to go through that again. You’re there to protect her and it is a simple as not going. I know you say you have a good relationship with SIL but she does sound like hard work, making excuses for her son when he behaves like this isn’t going to help him at all as he gets older. Will she be so stubborn if teachers contact her in the next year or so to explain that he has continued that behaviour with other people’s children? I wonder how she will handle that.

@Smileandtheworldsmileswithyou
my mil does tell him off but it doesnt make much of a difference and only makes my sil defend him more
the only person who gives him any consequences is my fil and that is only if he has witnessed him hitting my DD. I do love my nephew as apart from the hitting he is a lovely boy and is still a child but I feel he is being failed by his parents and it's not fair for my DD to suffer the consequences of that

It’s not just how kids are - people just say that if they don’t know how to parent.

I’d stop the contact personally, or reduce it. Getting hit every week is pretty horrible for a child. At age four, or any age really, constant and regular hitting is not on at all and needs intervention every single time and a consequence every single time which then escalates. And a child shaking another? That can cause real damage too.

If you want to keep going, then protect your daughter and prepare to literally hover over her and intervene every time and be critical and harsh if SIL or MIL try to minimize it in any way.

I think you or your dh need to stay with DD at all times when she's around nephew. You don't need to tell him off or stress about his behavour, you just need to protect her.
He hits or is violent - you say something mild about not playing well together so no more playing together. Then DD gets taken to go play with something else or do something else. (The other thing needs to be something she'll enjoy, so it doesn't feel like a punishment for her, and you should probably go to these things with a couple of diversions planned ready for this situation.
He'll get the message eventually. More importantly it will teach your dd to leave if someone is being mean and she will feel protected.

More importantly it will teach your dd to leave if someone is being mean and she will feel protected

She’d feel more protected if her parents didn’t take her to play.

@negomi90
thank you if we do go back again I will try that the only thing is it can happen in a flash, it is not always the result of an argument between them you just never know when he will lash out
my DH does and has told him off but my bil once told him not to as it makes my sil upset. But he does still intervene and stop him physically if he has to but my nephew knows this so will more often than not hit when my DH is not in the room
also previously when my DH has held onto his arm to prevent him from hitting DD he had a massive tantrum and claimed my DH hit him which my sil believed

thank you so much for all your advice I am going to try get some sleep now but from your replies I can see I am not being unreasonable and the best course of action is to not take my DD there for a few weeks or take her at a time when I know my nephew will not be there

I knew someone who couldn't discipline her ds, and wouldn't allow anyone else to, either. I dealt with her ds's aggressive behaviour towards my ds by withdrawing attention from him. As soon as he did something unacceptable I would get between them and tell the boy, calmly and firmly, "We do not hit people" (or whatever he had done). Then I would turn my back on friend's ds and engage with my ds, preferably with the toy that had interested friend's ds.

The first time I did this the boy sat in silent shock for a minute, before quietly walking round me and joining in peacefully with our game. I do not remember how long it took for him to learn not to be aggressive towards my ds. I think I had to use this tactic a few times whenever they met up at first, but less often each time.

Fail to act and you are failing 2 children. It is not ok for you daughter to get hurt week in week out especially when adults just stand by and let it happen. Your nephew will have no friends if he can't play in a socially acceptable way.

Prepare the ground. Tell your nephew no hitting etc or he can't play with DD. Tel MIL, FIL, SIL your DD is not enjoying playing with nephew as he is too rough and the children need supervising. Then supervise. Your nephew obviously can't be relied on not to be violent.

If SIL doesn't like it, well tough. How about she plays with her son then. If he wants wrestling or rough housing and she wants to facilitate that she is his playmate. As an adult she can take more physical punishment than your DD and will be able to let her son know when he's going too far. It isn't your DDs job to be his punch bag.

Don't teach your DD to put up with it. She doesn't have to be a 'good girl' and not make a fuss. It's not ok. The adults can deal with their own emotions surrounding this as they are adults. If SIL feels sensitive around criticism of her son well that's her issue

It doesn't have to confrontational either just matter of fact. If he hurts DD, he can't play with her

Teach her to use her voice....role play. Tell her, next time he hits you...you should NOOOOO! And show her how loud.

VERY loud.

If she can't do it. you'll have to. If he hits her, YOU shout loudly "NO!" and it should startle him enough to let him know.

SIL wants to have it all ways here, and that’s just not feasible or fair on either your DD or, actually, her own son. I think you’re going to have to bite the bullet and intervene when nephew gets violent. Someone’s got to nip this in the bud, as much for his sake as anyone else’s, and she’s demonstrated she can’t see the wood for the trees on it.

You don’t need to bollock him, just firmly tell him ‘no, we don’t hit’ and, most importantly, put a stop to the game/take the toy he was after, so he loses the reward he wanted. If SIL isn’t happy, too bad - you’re not happy with the effect of her lackadaisical parenting on DD. It’s not acceptable for DD to be nephew’s punchbag. He’s 4, how on earth is she expecting him to learn if she doesn’t teach him? She’s actually being incredibly selfish in prioritising her desire to never feel uncomfortable above her son’s development.

@FortunesFave after reading some articles online on the issue we have many a times tried to teach her to put her hands forward to block him and say NO! or STOP! very loudly including doing light role play but at the time she just freezes and isn't able to unfortunately

@Tolleshunt yes I agree with you and I will take that on board but for my DD's sake I think its better if we don't just go for awhile as it is just getting too much for her and myself its half 3 in the morning and I can't sleep as I feel like such a terrible mum for failing my daughter and taking her to a place where she will most likely get hit and I need to take control of that
I will start taking her again in a few weeks and try put into practice the advice you have given if my nephew continues to behave like this

I would have words myself with the nephew about his behaviour, despite your Sil not liking the idea. She has her own ideas on tackling this, and you have yours, which is protecting your own child. Sometimes it works, if another adult deals with another misbehaving child.

@Smallsteps88

Don’t teach her to hit back. (As children grow the boys always come out better in that one) Teach her to move away from the abusive Male and tell someone. Every single time. But she will only do that if she’s knows the person she tells will take action to keep her safe. That has to be the message she gets.

The abusive male. He's 4. Stop projecting your ridiculous rhetoric onto a 4 year old. He needs strict boundaries and if sil won't do it then you as a mother have to. Every time. "We don't hit" "You cantplay until you stop hitting"

Model appropriate behaviour. Ask what he wants if he's hitting and get him to use his words rather than hit, hopefully he'll see he can get what he needs without resorting to hitting.
Some assertiveness from your daughter will help.
Sil needs to grow up and be a parent, his behaviour will not just magically improve and he'll get bigger and less able to be managed.