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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

nephew constantly hitting my DD

76 replies

canyouhelpp · 16/08/2020 01:35

I have been reading mumsnet posts for awhile but this is my first thread as i would really appreciate some advice

my DD is four and so is my husbands nephew (his brothers son) they love playing together and see each other often approximately once a week at my in laws house
my nephew has a bad habit of hitting and often hits my DD if I or my sil don't intervene quick enough. Now I understand children do sometimes fight but this is all the time and I always feel so sad and upset for my DD. my sil does tell him off but there are not many consequences and she has told me she is quite sensitive and doesn't want anyone else to tell him off. Today I saw him run and attack my DD by pulling her hair and shaking her before I managed to pull him off her, I was very shaken as was my daughter, my sil took him out the room but when she came back I heard her telling my mil that it's not fair that her son is labelled as naughty as my other niece used to hit him (rarely) when he was younger and she wouldnt be told off by anyone (when in fact she did) I feel she always deflects his bad behaviour on to my niece who used to sometimes hit him (two years ago) and not acknowledge that his behaviour is not acceptable and she is only enabling him by defending his actions
I have told my husband that enough is enough, why do we take our DD there knowing she will be hurt just to keep the family happy
AIBU? what would you do in my situation

OP posts:
Smallsteps88 · 16/08/2020 11:28

The abusive male. He's 4. Stop projecting your ridiculous rhetoric onto a 4 year old.

Yawn. Take a look around the world. I’m not going to take you through it step by step.

dwiz8 · 16/08/2020 11:34

Yanbu to want this to stop and in your shoes you also wouldn't be unreasonable to tell your nephew off, regardless of what your SIL thinks

I personally wouldn't take my DD round to their house with him there and tell them why.

If other in laws kicked off about it I would stop visiting with DD all together not just when the nephew isn't around.

As you said this child is being failed by his parents and those around him but it's not your job to fix that. You should focus on what would make your child happy and make her feel safe

Original poster
canyouhelpp · 16/08/2020 11:41

@kierenthecommunity once lockdown eases I am actually going to look into this as I worry she will be bullied in school and unable to defend herself. I have made my decision and my husband is in agreement with me that for awhile we will continue visiting my in laws but only at a time when we know that Dnephew will not be there. I am also going to tell my mil the reason why and that nothing anybody says is going to change my mind as the aggression started when he was 2 years old and they kept saying it is a phase that will pass but two years later it has just gotten steadily worse and last night was the last straw that really made me open my eyes and put my foot down (which I should have done alot earlier) I know for sure if the tables were turned my SIL would never allow her son to be constantly hit so why am I allowing it just to continue playing happy families and not hurt anyone's feelings
after a period of time I will start taking her again when Dnephew is there to see if things have improved and if they haven't I will just stop contact with them again

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 16/08/2020 11:48

My DD has a cousin the same age and he used to hit and even worse bite her. She just used to sob and would never hit back, although to be fair my SIL DID intervene most times, although she also used to make little digs about DD being "delicate" or "precious". Dnephew had an older brother who was really rough with him, which is where it came from.
One day he bit DD and she started crying, DS (who was about 2 by this point) flew at him and sunk his teeth into Dnephews shoulder to the point of drawing blood. I wasnt actually there, my Mum told me later. It was all sorted out and DS was told off appropriately etc BUT Dnephew never bit DD again.
So while fighting back etc isnt something I would necessarily encourage it can be very very effective sometimes. And when your nephew gets to school he is likely to get hit back

BluebellsGreenbells · 16/08/2020 11:49

Once you stop going, please expect messages of by DS missed her, it’s cruel to keep them apart etc etc. don’t give in.

EducatingArti · 16/08/2020 12:02

Instead of "telling off" your nephew, can you rephrase it to redirect him
So instead of " No don't hit" try " oh 'nephew' we need to be gentle with our hands. Hitting people hurts doesn't it. Can you show me gentle hands. We don't want to hurt people . You can be such a kind boy' etc and then praise him if he complies. Then if he carries on you need to remove your daughter. " You can only play if you are using gentle kind hands/feet."
SIL might find this easier to hear than a "telling off" and the boy is getting some positive training and affirmation. He may have got into the habit of doing this because it gets him attention.

Savingshoes · 16/08/2020 12:04

You will not always be there when they argue or when your daughter falls out with other children.
You will not always be there to protect her, she needs to know how to do this herself and how to reach out to adults when things are too big for her.

BluebellsGreenbells · 16/08/2020 12:07

EducatingArti

It’s not OPs job to tech DN the correct way of interaction, nor is it OPs job to teach SIL how to parent. Her job is to protect DD from being hit. As it’s been going on two years a few ‘use gentle hands’ isn’t going to cut it.

The sad thing is now the teachers will have to continually deal with this and I hope they have a policy of sending him home for every incident the so it impacts the mother.

He won’t be invited to play or to parties and she’ll be on here next year complaining her child won’t well liked. Her choice.

kierenthecommunity · 16/08/2020 12:20

No don't hit" try " oh 'nephew' we need to be gentle with our hands. Hitting people hurts doesn't it. Can you show me gentle hands. We don't want to hurt people . You can be such a kind boy' etc and then praise him if he complies

This may have been effective if the mum had used these tactics starting at about aged two and a half

YgritteSnow · 16/08/2020 12:21

It’s not OPs job to tech DN the correct way of interaction, nor is it OPs job to teach SIL how to parent. Her job is to protect DD from being hit. As it’s been going on two years a few ‘use gentle hands’ isn’t going to cut it.

No it isn't her job but everyone, including her own child mostly, benefits if she does. The "it's not my job" stance doesn't help anyone if OP wants to still keep visiting and she and her DD still get to spend time with extended family.

I do agree though that I wouldn't be bothering with "gentle hands" I just wouldn't be going but I do understand family pressure and how that can be to withstand. My ex in laws were similar.

Porcupineinwaiting · 16/08/2020 12:37

God, just tell him off. Properly. If your SiL doesnt like it she can stop bringing him and the problem will still be solved.

Your dd needs to know you will not sit passively by whilst someone tries to lamp her . Seriously, you are setting her a terrible example. Why should she be able to stand up to your nephew if you cant.

Boopeedoop · 16/08/2020 12:56

@kierenthecommunity

Tell sister in law every time her son is physical with your child, you'll do the same to her

You, as a grown adult who presumably knows about criminal responsibility, would copy the behaviour of a poorly disciplined four year old?

Would you chuff

I would chuff. Start on my kids and find out.
Original poster
canyouhelpp · 16/08/2020 13:12

thank you all for taking the time to give advice. I have spoken to my mil and told her we will no longer be coming at a time when DNephew is there and explained why, much to my surprise she actually agreed with me and said she was also worried how DNephew behaviour is really getting our of hand and how his parents are unable to stop it
I am hoping this has the right effect on SIL to step up and in future we can continue seeing each other with the children without these issues

OP posts:
Sailingblue · 16/08/2020 13:17

There has to be zero tolerance of hitting, biting etc. Does he go to nursery and do it there? Schools etc will hopefully not tolerate it and your sil will have to accept others will discipline him. As an example, my 4yo has been at summer camp this week. There was a child that was aggressive. The child had to go and sit in the office and was allowed back to the group on the condition no more hitting. The child kicked someone and they sent her back to the office to be collected by the parents. I was impressed that they didn’t allow one child to ruin it for the others and took a strict approach.

HooverWhenTheCoastIsClear · 16/08/2020 13:24

[quote canyouhelpp]@Mellonsprite
I do think other people in the family can see it and have expressed their frustration to me privately as he also has a habit of damaging things in the house throwing things around that could harm others in the room and not to mention the constant hitting of his little sister. my sil will sometimes try to minimise that my DD has been hit saying atleast it's just once a week for her whereas its daily for his younger sister to the point she doesn't even give much of a reaction to it anymore as she is so used it it. my sil says it's because she has toughened up although she does feel really bad for her.
I am going to speak to my mil today and explain that it's not so much the hitting that is an issue but more of how it is dealt with, no consequences and a light telling off and over the past two years his behaviour has gotten steadily worse. They do have times where they play nicely together and he can be so lovely but the moment something doesn't go his way it goes totally downhill from there for the rest of the stay
just to list a few things I have seen him doing in the past year
take a mug from the kitchen and chase another child to hit him with it
hit his mother whenever she tries to stop him from misbehaving
run and jump on to his little sister which I managed to block or could have caused alot of damage
bite his baby sisters fingers when he thinks nobody is looking
I don't know how much of this is normal for a child aged 3/4 but my sil will say it is because he is a boy and I can't understand as I have a girl[/quote]
Dear me. I thought you meant he was getting frustrated or hitting to get a toy etc but these examples are quite extreme.
It's his parents fault. His poor little sister having that level of torment daily.
Running after people with cups and biting need a to be addressed immediately or little master will be an absolute terror on a fee years when he's bigger.
They sound inept as parents. Who cares of they're upset I'd be onto that behaviour every single time. Teachers won't care of the parents get upset.
Awful.

HooverWhenTheCoastIsClear · 16/08/2020 13:28

@Smallsteps88

The abusive male. He's 4. Stop projecting your ridiculous rhetoric onto a 4 year old.

Yawn. Take a look around the world. I’m not going to take you through it step by step.

I don't doubt you'll not take me through it. That would involve creating a logical argument that a 4 year old is an abusive male. Which he isn't. He's a young child with conflicting boundaries as nobody is consistent.
Marcipex · 16/08/2020 13:37

Your poor DD. What is she learning? That boys can hit you and no one will help.

Give this boy a rocket. A big one. Scare the daylights out of him. Show your DD ( and your sil) that you are there for her.
If sil doesn’t like it, tough. Sensitive is she? So no one else can defend their child!

You be sensitive too. You’re sensitive about your DD being violently attacked.

Smallsteps88 · 16/08/2020 13:44

That would involve creating a logical argument that a 4 year old is an abusive male. Which he isn't. He's a young child with conflicting boundaries as nobody is consistent.

If you took the time to read my initial post you would see I wasn’t speaking specifically about this child. Try reading properly.

kierenthecommunity · 16/08/2020 14:05

I would chuff. Start on my kids and find out

So two adults fighting would be a good way to teach a rough pre-schooler how to conduct themselves? Ok then.

Biscuitsdisappear · 16/08/2020 14:24

Protecting my DD would be my priority. Why isn't your DH backing you up and doing something about this himself?

Original poster
canyouhelpp · 16/08/2020 14:28

@Biscuitsdisappear he does back me up and has intervened whenever he has seen DNephew being rough with our daughter and also physically stops him if he has too but he doesn't give him consequences as that is my SIL and brother in law's job to do, he has told his brother many a time that he needs to step up with his son but my BIL also says they are just children and has also told my DH to not reprimand his son as his wife will give him an earful at home over it

OP posts:
PrayingandHoping · 16/08/2020 14:54

@canyouhelpp good I'm glad you DH stands you to his brother but his reply really needs to be that he prioritises his DD Safety over his SIL feelings. She's an adult and needs to grow up and parent

Dilbertian · 16/08/2020 15:19

[quote canyouhelpp]@Biscuitsdisappear he does back me up and has intervened whenever he has seen DNephew being rough with our daughter and also physically stops him if he has too but he doesn't give him consequences as that is my SIL and brother in law's job to do, he has told his brother many a time that he needs to step up with his son but my BIL also says they are just children and has also told my DH to not reprimand his son as his wife will give him an earful at home over it[/quote]
So don't reprimand and don't give him consequences. Just behave appropriately. Minimal explanation "We don't hit" and remove attention from him.

MrsRagnarLothbrok · 16/08/2020 15:24

Your dd needs to know you will not sit passively by whilst someone tries to lamp her . Seriously, you are setting her a terrible example. Why should she be able to stand up to your nephew if you cant.

totally agree with this, as parents it is our job to protect our children and teach them that it is not acceptable for anyone to hurt them

glad you are removing her for a while

ViciousJackdaw · 16/08/2020 16:10

I would chuff. Start on my kids and find out

I've just seen Big Macca down the Spar, he says now that Little Macca is out, they can help you shift that burnt out mattress and the two shopping trolleys from your front garden. He doesn't want any payment, just get him a couple of packets of that Samson that your Aimeigh-Mareee gets.