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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this appropriate to send to boyfriend.

103 replies

Lou780 · 15/08/2020 18:13

My dd is 21. She has asked me to post this here for advice. It's hard forme to give advice as I was cheated on myself so iam probably bias.
Her boyfriend is 21 also they have been together 4 yrs. Live together for a year. Live each other very much and have plans for marriage.. Babies in future etc.
He has an ex coworker also 21. They worked together last summer for 3 months.. And she now lives 200 miles away for the next months at least. My dd has discovered they have been Snapchat ting several times a day for weeks. Boyfriend never mentioned this. A couple of days ago this girl sent him a ticktock of her dancing.. Thrusting the lotto a sexy lyric song. He laughed it off and says they are just friends. Dd however is devestasted and can't come to terms with this.
She feels it's crossed a boundary and wants him to stop messaging her. He refuses and says she can't stop him having friends and that she is being controlling.
Thoughts please. Dd will be reading and really needs wise advice.

OP posts:
spongedog · 15/08/2020 20:17

@Bluetrews25

A good relationship should not be this hard or complicated or on/off. Go to uni, alone, and have a blast. Make some great friends. And in the kindest way, mature a bit. Your life is about to improve dramatically. If you ditch this long-over relationship.
This ^^ to DD - have a blast at uni and leave this one behind.
Jayaywhynot · 15/08/2020 20:17

Hes having his cake and eating it.
He loves the attention the other girl is giving him and if you're DD and he were married everyone on here would be saying LTB, hes having an emotional affair.
It's far easier to label your DD as controlling, hes allowed to have friends blah blah blah.
Reality is hes taking the piss, hes got the stability of his relationship with your DD in the background whilst enjoying the attention from another girl.
Advise your daughter to cut her losses now cos he wont change, he has no respect for your DD

TatianaBis · 15/08/2020 20:20

It’s perfectly ok to be 21 and like the attention a girl is giving him. But not when you’ve got a gf, and maybe it implies you’re not as into the gf as you thought.

supersop60 · 15/08/2020 20:24

This happened to my DD. Her bf was constantly messaging another girl, and claiming to be 'just friends'.
My DD couldn't stand it, and broke up with him. Lo and behold, he got together immediately with this other girl.
OP, your DD should trust her instincts and kick him into touch.
When she starts Uni, she'll meet a load of new better people.

Viviennemary · 15/08/2020 20:28

They did get together when very young. It sounds like the relationship has run it's course and your DDs boyfriend isn't ready to give up the chance of a flirtation or perhaps more. Maybe this will blow over. Maybe it won't. Only time will tell. Far too young for that level of commitment and future planning.

Owleyes16 · 15/08/2020 20:32

God this is all so petty and dramatic. He is well within his right to have female friends, and she is well within her right to be uncomfortable with this particular one. It seems like they both need to split up, and in the future need to keep their mothers out of their relationships.

Jessie2345678 · 15/08/2020 20:35

I think it’s very healthy that the OP’s dd feels able to discuss her relationship with her mother and to ask advice. Very sensible to do so.

fairlyplump · 15/08/2020 20:59

It sounds as tho the BF may be looking for something from this other girl, your dd and him have been together since very young and are very used to one another, but he now has the attention of someone else, I am sorry to say it sounds as tho their relationship may be coming to an end

Bluntness100 · 15/08/2020 21:21

I’d be livid if my husband was sent photos of a woman dancing and I’m sure he would be if I sent videos of myself dancing to a male friend. That’s not controlling it’s about a mutual respect

You can keep telling yourself that, but it doesn’t make it true.

JBEM4 · 15/08/2020 21:56

In my humble opinion if what he's doing is hurting her feelings or making her feel insecure he should make her a priority and put effort into reassuring her rather than point blank refusing to stop contact with this young woman/friend.

No one has the right to take another person's peace of mind.

Hope she's OK x

userabcname · 15/08/2020 22:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

disorganisedsecretsquirrel · 15/08/2020 22:43

None of this matters .. the ONLY thing that matters is that your DD doesn't have a child without either marriage or independent wealth that will see her through maternity AND child rearing until the age that she can return to work ... AND afford childcare...

Feelingconfused2020 · 15/08/2020 22:43

If it's tough now you have no idea how hard it will be with marriage and babies. Cut your losses enjoy being young and single and find someone who doesn't make you feel bad in a year or two.

I know you are desperate for him to change but he won't. He really won't. You'll never know if he's messaging this woman or other women and if it's making you uncomfortable then it will always make you uncomfortable. This won't suddenly resolve or get better.

Also going to his mum to get her to back him up is immature behaviour. Not the kind of behaviour you would want from a man you have children with. If you want to send your child to nursery and he wants a childminder will he call his mum and let her have the final say? Nah. You can do better than that!

pollylocketpickedapocket · 15/08/2020 22:47

@LouiseTrees

Unless she (the other girl) was dancing in her underwear or a bikini or something, she (your daughter) is being unreasonable.
Bollocks
FloreanFortescue · 15/08/2020 22:53

This issue won't go away - your DD will mistrust them to a point that she'll resent the other woman and he'll be driven to her.

She needs to focus on herself and move on.

Writerandreader · 15/08/2020 22:58

They are too young to commit and I mean this kindly but you are over involved. He is a young man and if he is enjoying a bit of flirting shld probably walk away and get it out of his system before settling down

Tistheseason17 · 15/08/2020 23:18

If she feels like this now she needs to cut her losses. Stop wasting her time,focus on Uni.

HollowTalk · 15/08/2020 23:22

Tell her to go to university on her own, without this idiot. She'll have a fantastic time without him dragging her down and making her doubt herself. She's got a wonderful life ahead of her; he wants to stop her from being happy.

ShesMadeATwatOfMePam · 15/08/2020 23:40

Your dd is WAY too young too settle down, especially with this idiot.

TulipsandDa1s1es · 15/08/2020 23:56

i have no idea of your DDs history with his friends/colleagues or how she phrased it all to him so cant really say shes/hes out of order, because maybe she does this weekly, who knows.....but i think the issue is more how he has reacted to this. your dd has an issue and it may threaten their future and he hasnt been understanding or attempted to compromise. this doesnt bode well and i think maybe she needs to think hard about if this is who she wants.

Tillygetsit · 16/08/2020 00:17

I'm on your dds side in this. She's told him she feels uncomfortable about the situation and he hasn't seen her side at all. He should at least be mature about it and talk it through rather than sticking his bottom lip out and labelling her controlling.
Hope she has an amazing time at uni without this little boy weighing her down.

Catsup · 16/08/2020 00:35

They're all young and whilst several years spent together might seem like the future mapped out... Its really not! Uni will change her world and her view on it! She'll have lots of fun, meet new friends, and generally have a brilliant time! This 'long term relationship' which frankly sounds exhausting and hard work! Will be long gone history six months from now! Why waste time unpicking what would/could have been? When she can be spending the next 3 yrs meeting brilliant new friends and also partying (it happens a lot at uni 🤣). Don't let her tie herself down to someone whose obviously looking to keep their own horizons open.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 16/08/2020 12:13

@Bluntness100

I’d be livid if my husband was sent photos of a woman dancing and I’m sure he would be if I sent videos of myself dancing to a male friend. That’s not controlling it’s about a mutual respect

You can keep telling yourself that, but it doesn’t make it true.

If you feel the need to send videos of yourself dancing to men who aren’t your husband/ partner or you enjoy being the recipient of such videos, there’s is something lacking in your relationship. You feel unfulfilled and are looking for validation from other sources. You need to address the issue before you can even comprehend what mutual respect looks like. Good luck xx
MsEllany · 16/08/2020 12:50

It doesn’t even matter if it’s controlling. She doesn’t trust him. They’ve already split once and he tried really hard to win her back.

As a person who was in the exact same situation 20 years ago, and who lost a good portion of my life moping over a dude who wasn’t worth it, I say cut it off now before uni and be a single woman.

Fawnsa65 · 16/08/2020 16:43

Strong words @KatnissK but it seems to be rife with young men these days. Maybe when I was younger I was just more blind and naive to it! Does his girlfriend know?

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