Is this appropriate to send to boyfriend.

[Lou780]

My dd is 21. She has asked me to post this here for advice. It's hard forme to give advice as I was cheated on myself so iam probably bias.
Her boyfriend is 21 also they have been together 4 yrs. Live together for a year. Live each other very much and have plans for marriage.. Babies in future etc.
He has an ex coworker also 21. They worked together last summer for 3 months.. And she now lives 200 miles away for the next months at least. My dd has discovered they have been Snapchat ting several times a day for weeks. Boyfriend never mentioned this. A couple of days ago this girl sent him a ticktock of her dancing.. Thrusting the lotto a sexy lyric song. He laughed it off and says they are just friends. Dd however is devestasted and can't come to terms with this.
She feels it's crossed a boundary and wants him to stop messaging her. He refuses and says she can't stop him having friends and that she is being controlling.
Thoughts please. Dd will be reading and really needs wise advice.

[Sparklesocks]

With kindness it’s not really supposed to be this difficult when you’re 21, especially as they already split up last year too. They got together as teens and it’s possible the relationship has run its course. It sounds like he has other priorities than settling down.

[Chickychoccyegg]

I think dd should cut her loses, bf sounds like he's enjoying making dd jealous, and if his friendship is so innocent why was it a secret!
dd should go to uni and have some fun, she's too young to put up with all this shit

[MegaClutterSlut]

I agree he seems to be getting some kind of enjoyment out of it. I would ditch him imo, he doesn't give a shit about her feelings imo. She's worth more than that

[LovingLola]

They have been together since they were 17. They broke up once.
They should never have got back together.

[Sunflowerlover20]

Cut ties now, if she is off to uni then hopefully she will be busy finding friends etc to be too upset.
I don’t think it’s controlling as such he can have female friends but why as he not told your daughter he messages her? Also snapchat deletes messages doesn’t it so she doesn’t know what’s been said. She is young tell her to move on if and I mean if they are meant to be together then when she returns from uni they can reunite but I highly doubt they both will want to as they will have moved on

[blacksax]

She needs to cut her losses and move on. She's never going to be able to trust him, is she?

I don't much like the sound of his mother, either.

[Graphista]

She's VERY young to be in such a serious relationship in the first place to be honest. And they got together when she was 17? First love? First boyfriend?

I'd be encouraging her to leave him and raise her standards AND to "find herself" go travelling, discover new interests etc

Do all you can to ensure she does go to uni as that will go a long way to opening her eyes

He sounds immature and entitled to be honest. No your daughter can't tell him who to be friends with but he's not behaving kindly or appropriately here.

Have you educated her about the realities of having a child without being personally financially secure and married? Having children impacts women far more than men.

[Pinkflipflop85]

She needs to cut her ties and move on.

[JollyJlly]

I don’t thank your daughter is being controlling. If he loves her and she’s uncomfortable he should stop. He must have felt it was overstepping a boundary or he would have told her.......

If he doesn’t stop that would be a red flag for me. Mutual respect and compromise is important

[Lou780]

Thanks everyone. I think she is leaningtowards ending things.. As hard as that will be. She is very young. It's her 22nd birthday next week and they were supposed to be going away for a few nights. But she says the trust is gone.

[Apple222]

Snapchatting several times a day sounds a bit excessive but like other posters have said, your daughter probably has to either put up with a behaviour she doesn’t like or end the relationship. This is only ever going to make her feel insecure and that’s no way to live.

Will they both be going to university together or is she going to be studying while he works?

I think your daughter needs to give herself every possible chance of success which means going to university and living her best life. She will meet new people and move forwards. There’s going to be no better time to cut her losses than now while they don’t have shared assets or children.

I wish her well.

[SickOfNorthernExile]

Sack him off - she’s too young, uni will be shit with a boyfriend in tow and she’ll end up resenting him.

It actually sounds to me like the Tiktok bobbins is a red herring and she’s looking for a reason to dump him. Rightly so - she’s too young for this kind of commitment.

[Edel2019]

I think it's a bit OTT to end the relationship over this.

Yes she's young, but she's not a baby. If she's in love with him and he's good to her, why on earth would she leave him over THIS? To go from wanting babies with him to wanting to leave him over this....that is super-childish.

I wouldn't have been happy about this either - it's completely reasonable for him not to be comfortable with it. I'm sure they can reach some sort of compromise on this - eg if the other girl starts acting flirty he'll tell her and start ignoring her.

[Edel2019]

• completely reasonable for HER not to be comfortable with it

[SleepingStandingUp]

How d she find out about the messages etc?

[OhYeahYouSuck]

He's loving the attention and knows exactly what he's doing. If he was bothered about your DD being uncomfortable about it, he wouldn't refuse to stop. He's saying this woman's attention is more important to him.

I settled down young. I'd never advise anyone else to do the same. You have so much growing to do.

[Bluntness100]

He is right in that she can’t control who he is friends with and she can’t ban him having female friends. She either trusts him or she doesn’t.

This other girl is twenty one, they are mates, she probably just thought it was funny. As did he.

Your daughter is insecure and not ready for an adult trusting relationship. So ending it is right. Time for her to play the field and enjoy herself, do some growing up, see some other guys, then settle down a little later.

This relationship has run its course.

[riotlady]

Have had to confer with my 19yo sister cos I don’t know anything about tiktok but she reckons sending that directly to someone is probably pretty flirty.

Regardless it sounds like the relationship has run its course and she’d be better off enjoying a clean break when uni starts.

[InDeoEstMeaFiducia]

At 21 I dumped guys who were bad kissers. I'd not hesitate to tell her to go to uni alone and ditch this bloke. He's immature and a little shit stirrer, way too soon for planning bloody babies.

[Bluntness100]

He's loving the attention and knows exactly what he's doing. If he was bothered about your DD being uncomfortable about it, he wouldn't refuse to stop. He's saying this woman's attention is more important to him

Bullshit, this isn’t the 1950s. I Have Male friends. I’m fifty one and have throughout my married life, since I was twenty, I work in a male dominated field, phone calls, nights out on the piss, texts, the lot. If my husband had told me I couldn’t be friends with anyone, I can categorically assure you we wouldn’t be married today.

It’s not about enjoying the attention. It’s about not being controlled by your partner to an extent they choose who you can and cannot be friends with,

[InDeoEstMeaFiducia]

Wouldn't even say a dickie bird about the other girl, I'd just crack on with my plans to move on at uni and then tell him the relationship's run its course and it's time to move on.

[Lou780]

She found out about the messages because she was using his ipad and he was actively messaging at the time so it kept popping up. She then questioned him about it and he told her.

[AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken]

They’re not old enough (or maybe just not mature enough) for a serious relationship. I’d be livid if my husband was sent photos of a woman dancing and I’m sure he would be if I sent videos of myself dancing to a male friend. That’s not controlling it’s about a mutual respect.
They should have some time to experience life independently. To discover what makes them happy and what they want from life.
The boyfriend probably does love her but she’s in for a good few years of this and probably worse until he grows up, he gets it out of his system and realises what he actually wants. It may even be years of this, and then getting dumped at the end because the relationship will be so strained from these constant battles.
It’s up to her if she wants to put up with it in the meantime.

[ButtonandPickle19]

I’d say she’s not wrong to be upset but he just sounds like he needs to grow up and she shouldn’t be devastated. Just a good strong conversation between them and what they feel boundaries are