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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this appropriate to send to boyfriend.

103 replies

Lou780 · 15/08/2020 18:13

My dd is 21. She has asked me to post this here for advice. It's hard forme to give advice as I was cheated on myself so iam probably bias.
Her boyfriend is 21 also they have been together 4 yrs. Live together for a year. Live each other very much and have plans for marriage.. Babies in future etc.
He has an ex coworker also 21. They worked together last summer for 3 months.. And she now lives 200 miles away for the next months at least. My dd has discovered they have been Snapchat ting several times a day for weeks. Boyfriend never mentioned this. A couple of days ago this girl sent him a ticktock of her dancing.. Thrusting the lotto a sexy lyric song. He laughed it off and says they are just friends. Dd however is devestasted and can't come to terms with this.
She feels it's crossed a boundary and wants him to stop messaging her. He refuses and says she can't stop him having friends and that she is being controlling.
Thoughts please. Dd will be reading and really needs wise advice.

OP posts:
loudev · 15/08/2020 19:32

I don't think she's being unreasonable, she's allowed to feel how ever she likes, and in relationships we all have boundaries and everyone's boundaries are different. If your daughter feels like he's crossed hers, he should definitely be more sensitive about it. If she's not comfortable with it then she can't help that. If he's not willing to even consider her feelings about it then I don't see how it can work.
It could well be completely innocent and if he's open about it then it probably is, they need to sit and talk about it and if he's insisting he won't budge she needs to think about wether she's ok with that.

MorganKitten · 15/08/2020 19:33

He has even gotten his mother involved who has told him he can be friends with whoever he wants and dd is trying to control him.

Your DD got you involved.... she does sound controlling, men can have female friends... does your DD not have male friends?

Jessie2345678 · 15/08/2020 19:34

I do not think your dd is being controlling; it’s totally reasonable that she’s uncomfortable with this. Messaging several times a day, the girl sending him a video of her dancing, the guy not mentioning any of this, the girl telling him to break up with your dd (so he was discussing his relationship with this girl), and the guy then telling your dd that the girl has said that all sounds a bit suspect.

If your dd were messaging some guy several times a day, sending him a video of him dancing, and telling her bf that this guy had told her to break up with her bf, would her bf be fine with all of that? I very much doubt it. And I bet his mum wouldn’t be saying: “She’s allowed to be friends with whomever she likes”; I bet she’d be saying: “You can do better than someone who treats you like that”.

IceCreamSummer20 · 15/08/2020 19:37

They need to hold off on the babies front, he’s not mature enough, she is trying to make him but this is proof he isn’t.

AdaColeman · 15/08/2020 19:37

The best plan for your DD would be to dump this loser as soon as possible.

Get herself off to university, work hard but have some fun also.

She shouldn’t let him move there with her, he will limit her opportunities to make new friends, and might well stop her achieving a good level of academic success.

They have been together since teenage years, and as they both mature, they may easily go in different directions, few teenage romances last into adult hood.

It sounds as though this relationship has run its course, and this would be an obvious time to end it. She should be extra careful not to get pregnant before she starts university.

Jessie2345678 · 15/08/2020 19:39

To the people saying “he’s allowed to have female friends”, of course he is, but the OP’s dd is not saying that he is not allowed to have female friends - it’s that various things in this particular friendship are a bit inappropriate.

AryaStarkWolf · 15/08/2020 19:39

I'd be more annoyed that he's discussing their relationship with her

FatCatThinCat · 15/08/2020 19:43

It doesn't matter whether it's inappropriate or not. Your daughter is not happy about it and her boyfriend doesn't care. The relationship is doomed.

Notthetoothfairy · 15/08/2020 19:45

I think dd should cut her losses now. She’s far too young to be putting up with all this c**p.

eatsleepread · 15/08/2020 19:47

Age has nothing to do with this, and it's patronising to say that it shouldn't bother her just because she's young. If a married woman posted this, she'd be told that her partner was being unreasonable!

Diverseopinions · 15/08/2020 19:49

'Snap chatting several times a day for weeks' sounds excessive . What can there be to talk about that often if they worked together for just three months and don't share a common social scene. ? Is this more frequently per day than he is messaging DD? It's that kind of regularity which suggests checking in for emotional support.

DD could suggest they all meet up - and see what is the response. It would be useful to know if friend has a boyfriend, and whether DD partner and dancing friend used to meet up before she moved 200 miles away - after she stopped being a co-worker. It could be a friendship only, but the rapport seems very important to him for contact to be repeated and suggests he is looking for something. Uni and a baby won't go together well, and 3 years is a massively long time at that age, during which lots can change - especially life aspirations.

Hamm87 · 15/08/2020 19:50

Your daughter is controlling and he does not control what his friends send him if he ends this friendship when will it end until he has none left?? And neither of them seem old enough for planning kids 🙄

Staffy1 · 15/08/2020 19:52

The dancing video is a strange thing to send a "friend" and suggesting he takes a break from your DD is also suspect. She should make it clear this "friendship" is not something she's willing to go along with and break it off with him. That's not being controlling, it's expecting better from a partner.

NoGinNotComingIn · 15/08/2020 19:54

Oh dear her mum involved, his mum involved and you are talking marriage and babies 😆, I think they need to hold off and grow up.

Sounds like the silly relationships my housemates had at uni at that age (though we didn't have parents involved), immature but trying to be grown ups. He obviously isn't ready to settle down at 21 and rightly so, sounds like he needs to live a little, contacting girls and keeping his options open shows this.

BreatheAndFocus · 15/08/2020 19:54

He sounds immature and like he’s revelling in the attention from his female friend. I think your DD could do better than him. He doesn’t sound committed to your DD and all the ‘babies’ talk sounds like he was just saying what she wanted to hear.

I’d have one last chat with him, then end it with her head held high. She doesn’t have to put up with this. She has her future ahead of her - and hopefully a more mature partner at some point.

Ishihtzuknot · 15/08/2020 19:55

It won’t improve long term, the trust is gone so your dd would be wasting her time to continue with him. I’d be actively encouraging her to move on, she’s very young she has lots of time to meet the right person

Theblackdaisy · 15/08/2020 19:57

My other daughter is 23. She uses tiktok and says its unusual to send one to someone privately
I’m 22 and I wouldn’t say it’s unusual at all Confused
Your DD is being unreasonable, the sooner she learns to take a step back, the better. Maybe this other girl does like her bf but she lives miles and miles away and it doesn’t sound any more than friendship at this stage even if she is slightly flirty

Wearywithteens · 15/08/2020 19:58

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

AntiSocialInjusticePacifist · 15/08/2020 20:01

It's really not rocket science, I have always enjoyed having some close female friends, and some of them have been spectacularly beautiful. Obviously sometimes girls can be a bit flirty so my rule was, and this came up once is that I am never going to stop being friends on a gf's say so, but if a gf is ever uncomfortable with pics and videos, I say to the friend those have to stop now it makes my gf uncomfortable. If they are a good friend they will respect that and stop. On the occasion that this came up for me it was a lot of bikini pics, and the girl was a model for awhile so a bit of tact is key here. If the bf is entirely dismissive of his gf's feelings it does not bode well.

alig99 · 15/08/2020 20:04

Tell her to get rid, ‘friends’ don’t do the stuff you describe she (the other girl) wants your daughters boyfriend and he seems keen to encourage her which does bode well for the current relationship. This is not about control (a word used to liberally IMO) it’s about flirting and being predatory.

OhCaptain · 15/08/2020 20:04

This is way too heavy for 21!

Your other dd is wrong I think. People send tiktoks to each other all the time.

Either way, she can’t control him but she obviously can’t trust him either. So what’s the point?

TatianaBis · 15/08/2020 20:05

They’re very young, they’ve split up once, he’s enjoying another girl pursuing him.

They’re too young to be tied to each other. I’d go off to uni a free agent if I were her. She’ll meet a whole bunch of new people.

UtMalumPluvia · 15/08/2020 20:08

Don't blame her for not being happy, he doesn't want to not be friends with the other woman, and he doesn't mind receiving such content from her, your DD can try to force him to change but his behaviour shows your dds feeling come below his ego boosts and she deserves much much better.

Bluetrews25 · 15/08/2020 20:12

A good relationship should not be this hard or complicated or on/off.
Go to uni, alone, and have a blast. Make some great friends. And in the kindest way, mature a bit.
Your life is about to improve dramatically. If you ditch this long-over relationship.

hammeringinmyhead · 15/08/2020 20:16

My first boyfriend did this to me when I was 17 with a "friend" who lived 100 miles away. He broke up with me because she suggested he do so, they got together for a few months, she got bored and ended it because she'd only wanted him when he wasn't single. Little story for your daughter there.

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