To ask if someone wants kids on the first date?

[leadvy]

I've been on a few dates on the past few months. 3 different people. I'm putting myself out there on OLD. Still haven't met the right guy yet. Every single one of them didn't want kids, and I only find this out after a few dates, lots of effort and lots of money spent! I've got a date this evening and am wondering whether to just ask the question, as having children is important to me.

WWYD?

Isn't there usually a bit on the profile which says if they have/want kids?

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult not on the site I use, no.

Bring it up early, if not first then second date. Definitely nothing wrong with that. Although be aware that people often change their minds or tell you what you want to hear.... But hopefully it will weed out a few who are definite no's

I see nothing wrong with asking, but it needs to be natural, not just a random question thrown out there. Maybe bring it up when talking about family?

The man who became my DH of 30+ years asked me that question on the first date. He really wanted children and, as he was in his mid 30s, felt that he didn’t want to waste time dating the wrong person.

@DDIJ two I asked, one made a statement about it.

How old are they generally?

@Winterwoollies 29, 34 and 35. The guy I'm going out with tonight is 39.

I would say go for it. The only people who would be scared off by you asking are the people who don't want kids so it's a win win!
If not first, then second date.

@DDIJ and I already have one child. He knows this and it's not a problem. He's 39 with no children. I would like one more.

@DDIJ sorry, meant to say I'm 29!

You should ask what they want out of life or where they see their life in 5 or 10 years time.
Surely you would be asking stuff like this anyway ?

@bookmum08 I literally hate the question 'where do you see yourself in 5/10 years' it feels a bit interviewy. I don't think I'd enjoy being asked that

After a run of numpties who were never going to go any where I was messaged by a nice sounding guy. I just fill out said we are doing a proper actual do something date .. our first date was Tower of London and Xmas lights and on that date I asked re babies , plans etc.

Roll on 3.5 years and I’m sat having a brekkie in bed whilst he’s taken our 2 beautiful girls out so I can chill.

Sometimes it pays to be clear with what you want 🥰

Just ask if they are looking for something serious and if they see kids in the future. I wouldn't think it's too intrusive.

leadvy it should be more of what you would like your life to be like. It could be a bit 'fantasy' - ie something you deep down would like but from a practical point of view probably will never happen.
That way you can find out if you are at least on the same wavelength.
For example I would love to have a cottage by the sea. Quiet place, nature etc. It's highly unlikely to ever happen but I can dream. If I said this on a date answers could vary from "oh god yes I would love that too" or "god no I hate the seaside and nature I am a city guy all the way" or "well I can't really live in a cottage by the sea but we could get a camper van to travel around in".
What do you talk about normally on a date?

I’d tell my son to run a mile if he was asked this on a first date. I want him to be happy with a partner that loves him for him not for what he can provide.

I had a first date ask me once if I wanted children. I replied that at some point, yes I did.

He responded that was good as he could see me as the mother of his children. There was just something about the way he said it that gave me the creeps.

I've also ended relationships with a couple of men, who said they definitely didn't want more children.

Having a child/children was always something I wanted, so I wanted to be with someone who wanted similar things from life to me.

Luckily I found DH!

I would just bring it up when you talk about your child a little bit, say a few things about them then just casually say ‘do you want kids of your own one day?’ Nothing wrong with asking that on a first date I don’t think. It’s not like you’re asking them to commit to having kids with YOU, just asking if it’s something they want from life. Given you have a child already I think it’s totally fine to enquire how they feel about kids generally. If I was in your shoes and a guy was totally anti kids I’d think well why would they want to date someone with a child anyway then? If it ends up getting serious they will have to accommodate your child into their life as well and if they don’t want kids full stop then that might not go very well

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

I’d tell my son to run a mile if he was asked this on a first date. I want him to be happy with a partner that loves him for him not for what he can provide.

I’m reminded of something I saw in a newspaper agony column many years ago. Woman 30s wanted children had met a guy who felt the same, things were getting serious but she was asking whether it would be in order to ask him to have a fertility test before committing to him, as she didn’t think she’d feel the same way about him if he turned out to be infertile!

I think you might have to accept that a lot of first dates might be a bit of a waste in many cases but you should try and find out on that whether or not they see kids in their future or a serious relationship at all.

I wish I’d figured out early enough with my ex. Slightly different scenario, we’d been friends and he knew I wanted kids, pursued me then after a year dumped it on me that under no circumstances did he ever want kids. That was a lot of wasted time.

So now, I want to know as soon as possible. I’m another who thinks on the first date it’s reasonable to ask in a breezy way, “how do you hope the next 5 years pan out for you? Are you hoping to meet the right person and settle down/start a family or are you looking for more casual relationships?”

I get it’s awkward and you don’t want to feel like you are saying “give me babies NOW” to a man you’ve just met but if you make it a big deal in how you ask, that’s when it becomes embarrassing or uncomfortable for both of you. Just keep it casual and light, a genuine enquiry. And move on quickly if you don’t hear the answer that you want.

And if you are asked the question back, feel free to say, “yes, I’m looking for someone who’s goals are aligned to mine. I know I want another child so I’m hoping to meet someone who would like children too. Obviously though it would have to be the right person and I couldn’t settle with just anyone!” and swiftly move on to a different topic.

I also think this is ok. And the pp line of would you like kids of your own one day is a good one.