To ask if someone wants kids on the first date?

[leadvy]

I've been on a few dates on the past few months. 3 different people. I'm putting myself out there on OLD. Still haven't met the right guy yet. Every single one of them didn't want kids, and I only find this out after a few dates, lots of effort and lots of money spent! I've got a date this evening and am wondering whether to just ask the question, as having children is important to me.

WWYD?

I had just come out of a long relationship with a knob head who had always intended to have an arranged marriage (to his cousin) but neglected to tell me that.
So I decided that in future I would be a little more upfront about what I wanted.
On our second date I asked DH if he wanted marriage and DC "one day", then I told him I was looking for Mr Right and didnt want to waste years of my life if he had other plans.
He said he would like a field full of kids.
He has often said he admired my honesty.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

I’d tell my son to run a mile if he was asked this on a first date. I want him to be happy with a partner that loves him for him not for what he can provide.

I’d run a mile from the kind of man who would ask (and heed) his mum’s opinion about a very important question I had asked him on a date.

I wouldn’t put them on the spot and ask ‘do you want children?’ But I think it’s natural on a first date to talk about your background, family etc in general terms. So I think it’s fair to ask in a lighthearted way about what they want from life. If they don’t say marriage and kids, that would be the red flag for me.

DH and I had the discussion on like our second date - he made a joke about not wanting kids, and I said ‘well I do, so if that’s something your not going to relent in, we may as well end it now’

He said he was joking, and he did want kids.

And three weeks later I was pregnant aha, so that conversation was a waste of time anyway

I would drop it into conversation at some point in that first date. Someone hoping to find a longterm relationship won't be frightened away.

I’d run a mile from the kind of man who would ask (and heed) his mum’s opinion about a very important question I had asked him on a date.

Well said.
And ditto...I’d never bring a son (or daughter) of mine up to run a mile from anyone who asked them about a significant life goal. Such nonsense.

Being up front on a first date (or before) means you don't waste your time, and theirs, with someone who doesn't want kids or someone who knows or suspects can't have children. The downside is that you might put off someone who would like to have children, is not sure they will be able to have children, because they don't already, and doesn't want to put themselves in a position where they grow to love you and then you dump them. (Maybe have a think about what you would do in that case, so you can have a talk about it if it is raised.)
At 38, and childless, I ruled out dates with men for whom children were a must, because I obviously could not be sure I could provide them. Any other option would have been unfair to them.
Also, it would be a good idea to make it plain that you will not be judgemental or demand reasons when you ask that question. I know there are people who would not want to tell a potentially abusive potential partner (which is anyone you've not met before and some you have) that they don't want to have children because they were abused by their parents. Also some people can be well-meaning but say things such as "oh, but you much have children to heal". Understandably there might be people who want to avoid exposing themselves to the hurt of this.

Maybe put it on your profile, as in I am looking for a steady relationship and a family future?