To ask if someone wants kids on the first date?

[leadvy]

I've been on a few dates on the past few months. 3 different people. I'm putting myself out there on OLD. Still haven't met the right guy yet. Every single one of them didn't want kids, and I only find this out after a few dates, lots of effort and lots of money spent! I've got a date this evening and am wondering whether to just ask the question, as having children is important to me.

WWYD?

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

I’d tell my son to run a mile if he was asked this on a first date. I want him to be happy with a partner that loves him for him not for what he can provide.

Strange comment. It’s not ‘what he can provide’ she’s asking about wanting kids not his pension pot (though that would probably be a sensible thing to ask too) Being on the same page about what you want in life is so important, and wanting kids or not is a pretty fundamental part of that. I love my DH but right up to the wedding I wouldn’t have married him if he’d changed his mind and didn’t want kids anymore. It wasn’t something was willing to give up for any man.

OP I’d ask. If this is a deal breaker to you better to know before you invest too much time.

IceCream but if your son was using on line dating surely it's because he wants something specific out of the relationship!
Usually OLD is the stage when you know what you want and can't be bothered with all the time wasting nonsense.

I think its maybe a bit "full on" for a first date really .Maybe the second or third ?Many men at such an age arent really thinking about having a family, and may be a bit put off .Surely best to have a few dates and then see if you like them!Otherwise they may feel that you are looking for a Dad for future DC.Also why do you have to spend such a lot of money? Cant you meet firstly for a drink /light supper somewhere.Its still Summer so a pretty summer frock and some sandals .painted nails ,and just do your hair nicely would be sufficient

dottie a "pretty summer frock and a nice hair do" !! Seriously??
If that was me I would essentially be lying on the first date about who I am because I never wear pretty summer frocks!!
For pity's sake why can't people just be honest about who they are and what they would like out of life.

OP of course you can ask on a first date, but why don't you just add something into your OLD profile about wanting marriage and children? That should weed out any men who don't want children pretty quickly.

@dottiedodah

I think its maybe a bit "full on" for a first date really .Maybe the second or third ?Many men at such an age arent really thinking about having a family, and may be a bit put off .Surely best to have a few dates and then see if you like them!Otherwise they may feel that you are looking for a Dad for future DC.Also why do you have to spend such a lot of money? Cant you meet firstly for a drink /light supper somewhere.Its still Summer so a pretty summer frock and some sandals .painted nails ,and just do your hair nicely would be sufficient

He's 39. Don't understand your comment re men of that age not wanting to think about having a family?

I've got this image in my head now of making myself look beautiful and sitting there in silence because that would be sufficient

@dottiedodah

I think its maybe a bit "full on" for a first date really .Maybe the second or third ?Many men at such an age arent really thinking about having a family, and may be a bit put off .Surely best to have a few dates and then see if you like them!Otherwise they may feel that you are looking for a Dad for future DC.Also why do you have to spend such a lot of money? Cant you meet firstly for a drink /light supper somewhere.Its still Summer so a pretty summer frock and some sandals .painted nails ,and just do your hair nicely would be sufficient

I think I agree with this. Many men are put off by women with obvious biological clocks ticking even if they do see themselves having children at some point.

BookMum08 I take your point ,however I was simply responding to OP. She clearly stated that she had to gone to lots of effort ,and spent lots of money going on dates with men who didnt want to have children! This to me would mean ,maybe a new dress ,an expensive haircut ,maybe some beauty treatments as well? Like you ,I prefer cool trousers /tops maybe a sundress occasionally in the baking heat!

Personally if I was asked this on a first date, I'd run a mile.
However people are different. For me a first date is just about seeing if you have things in common, and get on. If you start to feel a connection after a couple of dates, and are looking for long term than there's no harm in asking but I do think too early can just come across too serious.

Leadvy Sorry I thought he was 29! Should have read opening post more carefully obv! I still wonder about asking on a first date though .Many men (and women) want to get to know someone a little first surely? I always wanted children ,but obv only with the right person .Some of these guys may have taken flight ,if they may worry that this was the main purpose of the date rather than being seen as an indivdual in their own right!

If its that important, why not ask before the date? Save yourself all the expense and inconvenience.

On your first text, remember to request a list of family history, heritable disorders that might rule him out as a stud, and whether he's had mumps and might be infertile.

Oh, it is an awkward one.

I used a dating agency so I knew I would only be matched with people who wanted children in the future. On date two I focused on those sort of questions, I asked why he wanted to be a parent (and somehow didn’t scare him away) and which avenue to parenting he would choose (we’re gay so its a different journey). While I was happy with his answer anyone can say anything, you still need to focus on their actions.

We’re now almost 18 months in and having more serious discussions about time frames etc, I did however leave this to see if he would lead the discussions at first and he did. I was worried if I was the one bringing it up etc that he may not be on the same page and just going along with what I want.

Asking someone if they wand children, marriage, travel etc isn’t a propostion, but if you have certain things you wouldn’t compromise on its important the interest or want is shared with someone if you’re looking for more than a casual relationship. I want another child, I also want to get married, I would never date someone who didn’t want those things as the relationship would be guaranteed to fail so it would be a waste of time for both of us.

Leadvy Also OP had stated in her post that she had gone to a lot of expense on these dates ,and, that to me meant maybe looking her best and spending money on clothes /hairdressers. Simply pointing out that a nice dress (or smart jeans and top for that matter) Chunky sandals and a blow dry /ponytail whatever ,would be a lot cheaper and perfectly acceptable. (Bet these blokes dont spend so much cash)!

i knew dh wanted dc before we met- couple of emails exchanged from dating site.
i think people are generally happy to talk about it, arent they? or they say i dunno, if they dont...

dottie I can't even remember what I wore on my first date with my now husband. It was probably jeans and tshirt and trainers (we met through personal ad as OLD wasn't such a massive thing).
Surely the point of OLD is 'this is who I am, this is what I find important, this is what I want'.
You don't waste time. If you just want casual or sex I assume you go through other sites like Tinder or whatever.

Bookmum08 I agree ,Most of my BF were met through friends ,so they would have seen me "normally" as it were! Maybe OP should put on her OLD posts that she likes Cats ,Dogs ,Painting whatever ,and would like a family in the future at some point as well .This would be less direct than saying to someone in person on a first date "do you want children"?! Many men may be a little perturbed at such a question!

i dont think the kind of man who would be perturbed at such a straightforward question is the right man for op (or would have been for me!)

HelmetBymidnight I think context is all here really .Going on a first date with someone new should really be a time to chat ,get to know one another and so on .Asking about Children, may be seen as coming over a little too strong .Quite OK for a second or third date .

I saw it as a continuum - I used to volunteer with kids so not wanting to talk about them was a no-date situation, then I think it was a few dates in for "so if we are serious, let's talk about our long term plans" and then when we were talking about marriage and buying a house together it was "if we can't have birth children, what do you think we'd do" (for both of us, adopt and here we are with two adopted DCs).

If I was you I'd mention my child and just say "would you like children in the future" be direct or you'll waste your time again.
At least this way you both know where you stand.
I asked my now husband on our first date as we both already had children and we both said we didn't want more which was perfect, at the time.
Now 4/5years on I'm pregnant with our daughter so things can change 😊 good luck and enjoy xx

Just ask. I can't stand the messing around. I think if you say it casually and he responds well then you know. If he says no at least not much time wasted.

You can ask it on a first date, but then there won't be a second.

I’d tell my son to run a mile if he was asked this on a first date. I want him to be happy with a partner that loves him for him not for what he can provide.

Well, IceCream that would be you not doing your son any favours. It's daft to form a relationship if one wants children and the other doesn't. It's not like you can compromise with half a baby. You will be telling your son to walk away from some very sensible women, in my view.

First date may be a bit much but you do need to ask early. You also need to be aware that people don't always tell the truth and say what they think you want to hear. I come from a large family and never imagined not having children. Had the discussion quite early on with my husband and he said he wanted children too. Turns out that he didn't want children but this didn't really crystallise in his mind until we bought a large 4 bed house with loads of space.....go figure!!