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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To keep toddler in nursery during maternity leave?

73 replies

NamechangeforAIBU · 15/08/2020 09:01

I am pretty sure IANBU. But I may be biased by wanting the 1.5 days 'off' Blush

I have a 2.5 y o and a 3 month old. I've been on maternity leave since may. Toddler has obviously been out of nursery during lockdown and returned this month. He goes 1.5 days per week, the minimum allowed by the nursery while I'm on maternity leave (usually goes 3 days).

He is naturally quiet and reserved. He is a creature of habit and thrives on routine. He is also very attached.

He has been at nursery since 10 months old and when lockdown happened, we were just getting to the stage where he did cling/cry at drop off.

MIL is being very disapproving of toddler being kept in nursery while I'm on maternity leave because of the cost.

If we took him out, I'd have to deal with the emotional impact of both being upset going to nursery when I go back to work. He'd be harder to settle again and we'd be back to square one. He hasn't taken well to being dropped off after 4 months off and is very emotional about it again.

We can afford the nursery fees. We generally live fairly frugally (apart from a high mortgage), we still save every month. Okay we don't have pots of money set aside, but we're 30, have two children, a sizeable but perfectly manageable mortgage and we're saving money for long term, overpaying our mortgage and saving for more immediate circumstances - holidays etc. We don't do loads of expensive hobbies for toddler but parks, walks, reading, songs, playing etc rather than the groups/sports classes.

Toddler also enjoys nursery while he's there. He has lots of friends, and as soon as I leave, he's perfectly happily playing after cuddles with his key worker - I call to check.

While toddler is at nursery, baby gets one solo parenting time - in the way that toddler did when he was a baby.

Also I get to just 'be' with baby, drink tea while it's hot, go to the loo on my own and get some houses done.

AIBU? Am I blinkered by the benefits to me?

OP posts:
Pl242 · 15/08/2020 09:04

YANBU. I did exactly the same!

Ticklemelmo · 15/08/2020 09:06

I'll be honest, I'd have expected the toddler to be in nursery more. It's good for their development, and where possible you absolutely should get as much time with your youngest to bond.

Spam88 · 15/08/2020 09:07

Our intention was to keep our daughter in one day a week while I was on mat leave. Nursery has closed permanently due to covid, so we just a couple of weeks ago started her in a new nursery. Yes the break (the quiet!) is amazing, but she also needs the chance to play with other kids!

GoldenHoops · 15/08/2020 09:08

None of MIL buisness
Of course he should go, it's nursery not boarding school.

KitKatastrophe · 15/08/2020 09:10

Most people I know kept their older child in nursery when the second baby arrived. They needed the time off and also didnt want to lose the childs place at a good nursery.

TheChineseChicken · 15/08/2020 09:11

Totally fine and exactly what I did. Why mess with their routine? And when you go back to work do you mess it up again putting them back in childcare? Don’t feel guilty, mine stayed in 4 days a week and is much happier for it. Otherwise they spend their time waiting for you to feed the baby and put it down for naps

mumto2unicorns · 15/08/2020 09:12

I kept my 2.5 year old in 3 days a week (was ft) while I was on maternity leave with my second. It gave me some time and time to do stuff with the new baby. Also meant that it was not such a change when I went back to work

ClaraLane · 15/08/2020 09:12

Are you asking MIL to pay any bills for you so you can afford to put him in nursery? If not then it’s none of her business. My mum was a bit funny when she initially found out our 3 year old would be staying on at nursery when I was on maternity leave with DS but she has since admitted it was jealousy as they couldn’t afford to do that with me when my brother was born so she had us both at home 24/7.

It’s good for your son to be in a routine and nice for you to have time alone with the new baby. Don’t question what you’re doing at all!

Whereland · 15/08/2020 09:13

I kept my 15 month old going 3 short days a week when I had a newborn! You absolutely need that space to breath and just sit and be with your small baby

Hibbetyhob · 15/08/2020 09:13

YANBU

DD did 2 days at nursery while I was on mat leave with DS and it was brilliant for all of us - gave me a chance for a breather and to get to know DS and kept some of DD’s routine the same when everything else in her life had changed.

HeeeeyDuggee · 15/08/2020 09:14

If you can afford it I’d do it.

With DS2 we kept DS1 in after school childminder care just to give me that extra time with the baby. When DD came we took both of them
Out the childminder but that’s money related and I’m now staying home on a career break for 3 years and suits us better but if I’d been going back to work I’d have kept ds2 at Childminder’s full time

Squoon · 15/08/2020 09:15

I put my 2.5yo in nursery for the first time when baby was 10 weeks old. We had moved to a new area and I soon realised that my eldest needed more than I could give her at that point, socialisation with children her own age and lots of fun and activities that I couldn't really offer with a baby stuck to my breast all day. Cost us a lot of money but was absolutely worth it. Yanbu.

babbaganoush · 15/08/2020 09:16

Not sure what it’s got to do with your MIL?! I think it’s completely fine to keep him in nursery and like you say, the routine and stimulation will be good for him.

I’m due my second baby in 4 weeks and my 2 year old will continue going to nursery for 2 full days a week. I’m looking forward to having those 2 days just me and the baby and I know my toddler loves nursery. Do whatever feels right for you and your family.

Original poster
NamechangeforAIBU · 15/08/2020 09:16

@Ticklemelmo we have reduced his place down to save the extra money - I know they will get more expensive as they grow up!

OP posts:
Original poster
NamechangeforAIBU · 15/08/2020 09:18

I know it's technically nothing to do with MIL and no, she doesn't pay for it. She is very involved with her children, but openly disapproves of quite a few of our decisions, particularly if it's different to SIL"s decisions.

OP posts:
bananamonkey · 15/08/2020 09:20

My DC1 is in 3 days a week while I’m on leave (normally goes 4 days), apart from the 3 months at home because of lockdown but has been back since June. She’s been going there since she was almost 1 and loves routine, she has a blast with her friends who she really missed when we were off and they do so many more activities that I haven’t been able to do at home with a baby (or even could do without!). It means I get some 1:1 time with the baby, time to do housework and life admin and otherwise she’d lose her place which we need when I go back to work.

Don’t feel guilty if you can afford it and DC enjoys it.

TheTrollFairy · 15/08/2020 09:20

If I could afford it then I would keep my DD in nursery for the same amount of time if I was on mat leave, kids thrive on routine and being at nursery is good for their development and their social skills. If you had left a larger gap and your DC was in school then they would have to go regardless of mat leave so I don’t see the real difference between the 2 (except the fees and it being optional).

happytoday73 · 15/08/2020 09:21

If MIL disapproves of cost she can look after your toddler instead!

I kept my toddler in pt nursery and it did him the world of good. He enjoyed the social interaction of children his own age. It stopped any resentment about younger sibling and meant I could do housework on the days it was just me and baby to help keep our family time more fun.

Ignore MIL

grandmasterstitch · 15/08/2020 09:22

Of course YANBU! One of the reasons we waited to TTC is so that DS has his funded hours at preschool, I just don't fancy all day everyday parenting with 2 kids. If you can afford nursery then go for it. It's nice to have some one on one times with baby 2 which you obviously had with baby 1. MIL needs to butt out (or offer to take your toddler for a day and a half a week)

Itsalwayssunnyupnorth · 15/08/2020 09:23

I’m on mat leave and have a 3.5 year old who I have kept in nursery 3 days. Keeping his routine has done wonders for him and me!

TreesoftheField · 15/08/2020 09:23

Totally fine. I deliberately waited to have second baby to tie in with oldest getting free hours.... He had 3 days a week in which really helped and allowed me to do some nice baby things (as well as sleep....)
We have no family nearby so was my only opportunity for a break.
And generally he was happy being with his friends.

MaskingForIt · 15/08/2020 09:23

openly disapproves of quite a few of our decisions, particularly if it's different to SIL"s decisions.

She sounds narrow-minded and a bit fun. There’s more than one way to skin a cat. Next time she says anything politely say that it is your and your husband’s decision, not hers.

Courgetteflower1 · 15/08/2020 09:24

No way are you being unreasonable - do it! It’ll keep you sane and the toddler will have fun and their own space, and you’ll get 1-on-1 time with the baby that your toddler had when they were a baby.

If you took your toddler out, you’d also have to resettle them at nursery AND settle your baby in nursery at the same time when you start back at work again.

Ignore MIL. Maybe she didn’t have that option and she’s secretly envious.

Be confident in your own choices!

ImFree2doasiwant · 15/08/2020 09:25

Yanbu at ALL. I'd say it's better for him to settle now than later when he's got used to being at hone again. Less stressful for him, and for you when you're returning to work

scrivette · 15/08/2020 09:29

YANBU, it's good for you and the baby to have one to one time and it's good for your toddler to spend time with others in a different routine, get to see other people and learn new skills.