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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To keep toddler in nursery during maternity leave?

73 replies

NamechangeforAIBU · 15/08/2020 09:01

I am pretty sure IANBU. But I may be biased by wanting the 1.5 days 'off' Blush

I have a 2.5 y o and a 3 month old. I've been on maternity leave since may. Toddler has obviously been out of nursery during lockdown and returned this month. He goes 1.5 days per week, the minimum allowed by the nursery while I'm on maternity leave (usually goes 3 days).

He is naturally quiet and reserved. He is a creature of habit and thrives on routine. He is also very attached.

He has been at nursery since 10 months old and when lockdown happened, we were just getting to the stage where he did cling/cry at drop off.

MIL is being very disapproving of toddler being kept in nursery while I'm on maternity leave because of the cost.

If we took him out, I'd have to deal with the emotional impact of both being upset going to nursery when I go back to work. He'd be harder to settle again and we'd be back to square one. He hasn't taken well to being dropped off after 4 months off and is very emotional about it again.

We can afford the nursery fees. We generally live fairly frugally (apart from a high mortgage), we still save every month. Okay we don't have pots of money set aside, but we're 30, have two children, a sizeable but perfectly manageable mortgage and we're saving money for long term, overpaying our mortgage and saving for more immediate circumstances - holidays etc. We don't do loads of expensive hobbies for toddler but parks, walks, reading, songs, playing etc rather than the groups/sports classes.

Toddler also enjoys nursery while he's there. He has lots of friends, and as soon as I leave, he's perfectly happily playing after cuddles with his key worker - I call to check.

While toddler is at nursery, baby gets one solo parenting time - in the way that toddler did when he was a baby.

Also I get to just 'be' with baby, drink tea while it's hot, go to the loo on my own and get some houses done.

AIBU? Am I blinkered by the benefits to me?

OP posts:
FoxtrotSkarloey · 15/08/2020 09:30

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ.

JanewaysBun · 15/08/2020 09:32

Of course my DS was in nursery when DD was a new born, I would have gone mad otherwise!!

BikeRunSki · 15/08/2020 09:34

YANBU - I did the same. DS(then 3) continued 3 data a week at nursery, played with his friends, Maintained some continuity etc. I had 3 days a week todevote to the baby. Nursery was covered by early years funding and child care vouchers, win win all round.

LouiseTrees · 15/08/2020 09:55

Stop overpaying the mortgage and then yes YANBU

ClaraLane · 15/08/2020 10:00

@LouiseTrees

Stop overpaying the mortgage and then yes YANBU
Why does she need to stop overpaying the mortgage and why is it any of your business?
FilthyforFirth · 15/08/2020 10:02

Totally fine YANBU. My 2nd is due Nov and DS will keep his 3 days in nursery and have 1 at home with me and keep one with his grandparents. I think it is important to spend 1-1 time with the new baby and just rest! I am finding being pregnant with a toddler so much hard work.

Original poster
NamechangeforAIBU · 15/08/2020 10:03

@louisetrees - why? I'm paying more in interest than I will get in savings, so it's perfectly reasonable to divert some to my mortgage!

OP posts:
RiteAid · 15/08/2020 10:03

Sounds like you’ve made a very sensible decision which benefits both of your kids. Don’t worry about what other people think. You can literally never please everybody Flowers

chickensoup23 · 15/08/2020 10:05

If you can afford it then don't even enter into the conversation. Your doing amazing if you can still save monthly and these are always going to be the expensive years!
I'm due in March and my 2 YO will go 3 days a week and I won't feel guilty - he'll be far more stimulated at nursery than at home with me and a newborn! Your doing fab. Don't justify your decisions to anyone but you and your DH XX

Pittapitta · 15/08/2020 10:06

I did the same just dropped one of their days. You need time to bond and sleep if the baby has you up all night

LittleBearPad · 15/08/2020 10:10

I think the vote result gives you freedom to ignore MIL!

As for I know it's technically nothing to do with MIL and no, she doesn't pay for it. She is very involved with her children, but openly disapproves of quite a few of our decisions, particularly if it's different to SIL"s decisions.

Sod her.

Angeldust747 · 15/08/2020 10:26

YANBU one bit, and when they are eligible for 30 hours after their 3rd birthday send them for longer too, it's good for everyone and you can still spend plenty of time with them during the week

LouiseTrees · 15/08/2020 11:31

[quote NamechangeforAIBU]@louisetrees - why? I'm paying more in interest than I will get in savings, so it's perfectly reasonable to divert some to my mortgage![/quote]
I agree we do it too but I’m saying that way you could explain the arrangement to the MIL and that it’s not affecting anything really financially.

Tablefor4 · 15/08/2020 11:35

OP - you're at 88 votes and 100% YANBU!

Ignore ML on this. We did exactly the same. Shorter hours at nursery during second mat leave to keep in contact with nursery, and to give you a toddler break and time with new baby.

Di11y · 15/08/2020 11:49

I think it's vital otherwise toddler is wondering why he's being punished for this baby coming (assuming he enjoys nursery). And you don't feel guilty being too tired to entertain toddler and can rest and enjoy baby.

Trinketsfor20 · 15/08/2020 11:54

There is one reason DS stayed at home during my maternity leave with DD.

This is because DD was born at the start of a pandemic and nursery closed down.

He went back, as always,FULL TIME the minute they opened giving me about 4 weeks of just me and DD time before I have now got back to work FT.

If pandemic had not happened he would have remained there Ft

MamaFirst · 15/08/2020 12:00

Your reasons sounds completely valid and justified. I am 100% not someone who believes toddlers need nursery to develop well, that's absolute nonsense in my opinion and personal experience, but seeing that you will be going back to work it seems perfectly reasonable not to uproot a routine the toddler is used to to have to then restart again. Continue as you are, it's absolutely none of anyone else's business.

Hardbackwriter · 15/08/2020 12:05

I'm pregnant and it's never even occurred to me that we'd stop sending DS to nursery when I'm on mat leave - he'd lose his place at a nursery we really like, he enjoys nursery, we can afford it and it'll make life more manageable so I can't imagine not sending him? We have recently rearranged our working patterns so he goes two days not four - if he were still doing four I might have thought about dropping it down a bit but now it's two I haven't even considered anything other than carrying on with the current pattern.

EL8888 · 15/08/2020 12:07

YANBU. Go for it. It seems like a win win situation to me

It is none of MIL’s business, she needs to learn to keep her trap shut. Do you ever see on here people getting judgey about what their MIL spends money on and commenting?! It’s very rare

Hardbackwriter · 15/08/2020 12:07

It is so funny (and a bit reassuring, as someone expecting DC2!) to see the difference in how second and first-time mothers describe looking after 'just' the baby - 'oh it's such a lovely break and I get to sit around and drink tea', says no one with their first!

2020iscancelled · 15/08/2020 12:08

I do this - only for one day at the moment but may increase to a couple in time, I also might add the youngest for one of those days eventually Grin

I need to job hunt and there is no way I can do that with a toddler and a crawler at home.

If you’re happy, your partner is happy and most importantly your child is happy then not sure wtf it is to do with MIL.

I wouldn’t even discuss it with her, if she brings it up then say oh well DS loves it and that’s all that matters, moving on!

Dogsgowoofwoof · 15/08/2020 12:11

My dd will continue to go to nursery whilst I’m on maternity leave, but I’m taking a short maternity leave so not worth the disruption.
Yanbu though, it benefits you all.

Tittie · 15/08/2020 12:14

I've been driven a little bit mad over lockdown after my 4yo's nursery closed permanently. My baby hasn't had any 1:1 time with me, I'm finding it so hard to stimulate the older one while also attending to baby's needs, and I'd say I've done a bit of a crap job of both kids, and not really enjoyed it Blush and then I've felt guilty about all of the above. so, YANBU, send the older one to nursery if you can afford it!

TheWayOfTheWorld · 15/08/2020 12:20

I did exactly the same - my then 2 year old went to nursery 2 days a week which gave me some 1:1 time with the baby. It was win:win.

Mrsjayy · 15/08/2020 12:22

Just think of it as part of your toddler's social life it's benefit ing him getting out of the house seeing his friends having a bit of lunch mixing with other adults learning new things sharing experiences .yanbu at all and it is nobodies business .how you decide to socialise your toddler,and besides. Having a baby sibling is exhausting he will be glad of the breakWink

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