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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Will he really stand out in halls

82 replies

thedaywewillremeber · 14/08/2020 20:43

My ds 25 is going to university this year. He was going to stay home as we live about 40 minutes from the uni. We’ve recently had a discussion about him and brother need to think about moving out soon. He’s suggested he goes into halls first to ease him in to living on his own. He does have asd and mental health problems. Will he be judged from being so much older in halls?

OP posts:
Slightlyunhinged · 14/08/2020 23:59

He won't stand out at all. My husband went to Uni at 33 and lived in halls. He had a great time. I met him in my final year and didn't really notice the age difference.

mintich · 15/08/2020 00:11

I went to uni at 27 and was in halls. My course ranged from 18 year olds up to 40 year olds! Don't worry he wont stand out

overnightangel · 15/08/2020 00:35

When I think of the difference of what I was like age 18 compared to 25, there’s is no way on earth at 25 I’d want to live with a load of kids straight out of 6th form

Illdealwithitinaminute · 15/08/2020 00:38

I would approach the housing/student services and be upfront about his diagnoses and any preferences such as living with more mature students or in quiet halls.

I don't think all mature students naturally fit in- my friend came here to do her PhD and was horrified by the all night shrieking and far worse problems (e.g. profound mental health issues, self-harming) that some of the girls on her corridor had- she felt responsible for them and very stressed, and didn't enjoy the loudness or their behaviour at all, she asked to move out.

I think it depends on the hall itself and his personality/likes and dislikes. I have seen young men with autistic tendencies (I didn't ask them if they were diagnosed, so this is a guess) struggle hugely in a hall environment, or being away from home, but there is much more support now and you can ask for help from the university for that reason.

Hairthrowaway · 15/08/2020 00:42

If I’m being completely honest, it depends on the person. Some 25 year olds might assimilate with a bunch of 18 year olds, others might not.

When I went to uni I had a couple of mature student friends around the same age. They were pretty indistinguishable from the rest of us which probably helped. But I’m not going to lie to you and say your son will be perfectly fine etc as there may be challenges

Hairthrowaway · 15/08/2020 00:53

Also his mental health/asd might affect him.

Living in halls can be a bit chaotic and not very structured, his flat mates might go out/get in at late hours, have people around late, play loud music etc - how would he react? Little silly things happen too like people using your things, eating your food, leaving the kitchen a mess etc - again how would he react to potential inconsiderate behaviour?

Obviously it depends on how his mental health issues manifest, but he himself could be a bit difficult to live with.

JemimaShore · 15/08/2020 00:56

Illdealwithitinaminute - good advice.

simitra · 15/08/2020 01:33

I worked in the university system for many years. As some posters have stated there are many different types of halls. I would contact the welfare office and see if they can advise and direct him to a hall which suits his needs.

Universities are not judgemental and are often asked to cater for students from a very wide range of backgrounds some of whom will have special requirements.

While I was a mature postgrad I once had to stay in halls for one semester. Being quite a bit older than the other students I just wanted a quiet safe environment where I could study. The accommodation office were able to suggest a suitable hall where the students were older. It was run by nuns and had a 10 pm curfew. I am not religious and there was no requirement to be Catholic. It just suited my needs for a period.

TheBeastInMsRooneysRoom · 15/08/2020 01:38

When I was a fresher I ended up in postgrad halls because I went through clearing and there wasn't any other space. I was sooooo intimidated by these grownups and hid from them. Which made the building feel like a ghost ship because I tried to never run in to them.

When I did my postgrad I ended up in fresher halls due to a space shortage and to be honest they were exhausting. They seemed to not care at all that I was 22. It wouldn't have been obvious at all except that I had hardly any timetabled classes and had to do the second part of that year in the US. They drove me mad bickering about the kitchen though. They constantly stole each other's food and sulked about it. But they were sweet and friendly and excited to be there which was quite nice really.

I think your son's age is a non-issue, but his ASD and mental health problems might be a little isolating, depending on how they present. Only you know that really - it could be negligible or it could be very socially isolating. How has he managed socially in other communities? I do think young people, on the whole, are more compassionate and aware than they were 15 years ago.

Jux · 15/08/2020 01:39

He'll have a fantastic time at Uni - and in Halls if he's OK about sharing things with people. imo it's the best way to move out of home, independent but not really. Responsible but not responsible. Looking after himself, but having other looking after him.

You meet a lot of people too, if you live in Halls, and are part of the whole Uni thing, which is harder to do if you're always travelling in from home.

babydisney · 15/08/2020 01:53

I have aspergers and I think the only thing you have to worry about is sensory issues, noise really stressed me out in halls.

TalkingOutOfMyBottom · 15/08/2020 02:27

We had a 30 year old in our flat. We thought she was ANCIENT but we all got on and she must have thought we were very immature.

flatulencebythebucket · 15/08/2020 02:33

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nevermorelenore · 15/08/2020 02:37

I was 22 and lived with 18/19 year olds in halls. I did feel like the wise old auntie of the group at the time, which is ridiculous looking back at how young I was. The noise and mess can be stressful. I'd moved from living in a flat with my boyfriend to the chaos of halls and it took some adjustment. But it also taught me to be more resilient and social.

I had a friend of a similar age who lived in the campus mature student halls and she hated it because it wasn't a 'proper' uni experience. People would get angry if you played music or left a dirty teaspoon in the sink etc. Its worth speaking to campus housing to see if they have anything in the middle of the two options.

Second year onwards I did an off campus house share and that was better. It was a mix of early 20 somethings so much more on my wavelength. Not many freshers live off campus but I kinda wish I had.

TitsOutForHarambe · 15/08/2020 02:58

My brother had ASD and was unable to cope with halls. It was a disaster from start to finish.

Sorry if that's negative, just giving you an honest answer.

Can he go into some sort of student accommodation that is designed for mature students? I would think he'd get on ok with that. It certainly would have been easier for my brother. The whole experience would be quieter and people are more likely to understand his issues and respect boundaries. Standard halls with 18yo students is possibly not the place for him.

babydisney · 15/08/2020 03:56

@flatulencebythebucket what an ignorant and Insensitive comment by stereotyping a disability.

Malin52 · 15/08/2020 04:23

Not at all. I went into a self catering hall (admittedly in the 90's) at 19 and my corridor mates ranged from 18 to 35. All undergrads

Original poster
thedaywewillremeber · 16/08/2020 20:44

Thanks seems like a real mix of views!

OP posts:
Saracen · 17/08/2020 05:40

He'll stand out a bit because of his age, but it won't be a problem.

I would question whether he will be happy in halls, however. There may be a lot of noise and chaos.

KarlKennedysDurianFruit · 17/08/2020 07:55

In my first house at uni (18 of us there) we had a guy who was 34, a proctor who was 22 and the rest of us were 18-20 , it didn't make a difference. Our college had a mature students society/group as did most of the others, so some of the mature students congregated together but still had good friendships with usual intake students, and they were a fair bit older than 25, some had DC etc so different lifestyle. At 25 he's not going to stand out I wouldn't imagine

notheragain4 · 17/08/2020 08:10

The uni I went to had separate halls/accommodation types for mature students. I would be more worried about sharing with freshers rather than the other way around!

SquirrelFan · 17/08/2020 08:30

@NoPinkPlease I just posted on an old thread about my ASD son, almost 19, going to uni this year! I would be interested to hear more about your stepson's experience and what you felt helped him.

WeddingGrump · 17/08/2020 09:07

I don't think he will be judged, but it will be a weird year, and not the typical halls' experience. As far as I know, little face to face teaching is scheduled for the first semester - may depend on the instiution and subject. That means far more time than normal will be spent distance learning from a laptop in a hall bedroom and far less in lecture theatres. He will have less chance to meet his course mates face to face than normal and most of his social interactions will be with people in the halls. So it if he gets on with them great, if not he will have far less opportunity to meet his tribe at societies, or induction events.

Also, for better or worse, this year's intake of first years are going to be the first 'COVID cohort'. They will have that experience of missing their A levels exams and their final school year in common. It will be likely be one of the defining features of their young adult life and I expect they will bond over it. He won't have had that experience so he will always be different in that respect.

Halls can be a great launch pad into adulthood for a lot of people. But this year is rather different and the positives and negatives are magnified. It could be a brilliant experience; it could be profoundly isolating for him.

Camomila · 17/08/2020 09:55

I think it likely that even if he ends up in halls they won't chuck him in with 18 year olds. My halls corridor was 19,19,19 (gap year) 21, 21, (American exchange students) 22 (3rd year). I think they did it on purpose.

Camomila · 17/08/2020 09:59

The 22 year old is now DS1s Godmother Smile so she definitely fitted in with us.