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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to decide what contraception I want to use

69 replies

mrsstrange245 · 14/08/2020 17:11

Hi everyone
So bit of background Iv been with my Dp for 2 years have a child from previous relationship she's 3. for one year I was one the pill kept bleeding nearly everyday so stopped it
Being using condoms the rest
So today I got really fed up as he was complaining he doesn't feel anything when using a condom so I said fair enough while he was at work I rang my GP said to ring back on Monday morning and someone will discuss other contraception methods that would be suitable so I told my bf I possibly wanted a copper coil fitted he got really upset and said where is my say in that I said it was none of his business it's my body
He then started rambling on that I won't be able to have a child with him and why did I keep my other child if I didn't want any I was young and stupid but Iv a beautiful little girl and she's happy and well that's all that matters I don't want another one and he knows that don't get why that came up?
AIBU???

OP posts:

MangoBiscuit · 14/08/2020 17:16

Does he want you to get "accidentally" pregnant?

Feralkidsatthecampsite · 14/08/2020 17:20

Is he just ignorant? Why would a coil put the block on any future dc?
Ask the GP for some leaflets to get him informed. Some men just are clueless about 'women's things'..
Once had an adult bf who didn't know how I had a wee on a period wearing a tampon..
He genuinely thought I had only 2 holes!

Glad I never met his dm...

WatchMeRun · 14/08/2020 17:21

Aside from the fact he sounds a bit immature, does he know that the copper coil can be removed should you decide you want a child together?

His comments about your little girl are unkind imo although I appreciate not directly aimed at her.

I can't imagine most men caring what contraception a woman uses... Unless I'm wrong there?!

Suzi888 · 14/08/2020 17:22

Does he care what contraceptive you use or does he want more children? 👀

Original poster

mrsstrange245 · 14/08/2020 17:23

He said he would love a kid with me I said I'm not ready I'm only 21 so is he I said I'm really not sure that in the future I would want another child.
He said he'd understand that if I didn't but Iv spoken to him and said that if I don't want any and he does there is no point being together because I don't want to be the reason he doesn't feel fulfilled in life or unhappy. He said he still wanted to be with me weather I have a child with him or not

OP posts:

Original poster

mrsstrange245 · 14/08/2020 17:25

Like Iv said to him I can get it removed if i do want more children he doesn't seem happy about me having it
He also said that if I did get pregnant right now I would probably abort his child I'm in complete and utter shock at the words that came out his mouth

OP posts:

Leodot · 14/08/2020 17:25

What is he on about?! A coil doesn’t prevent you from having children if you then get it removed! It does the same job as a condom. I had a copper coil for five years. Got it removed when I wanted to start ttc and am now pregnant. He needs to educate himself.

Honestly, what he’s said about you having your daughter is a red flag for me. Firstly, he can’t guilt trip you about not wanting more children just because you already have one. Secondly, if he wants children that strongly and you don’t want any more then the person who doesn’t want to conceive any more children has the final say. It may seem sad for the person who wants to conceive a child but no one should be forced into having another child just so their partner can have one. I know it’s hard but I’d be wondering if you are compatible long term. Hugs to you OP. Hope you’re alright.

CruCru · 14/08/2020 17:26

Hmm. I had copper coils for years before having my children (you need to be on your period when they get put in or removed but they can be removed).

I find him saying that about your daughter really quite weird. That would put me off him.

Feralkidsatthecampsite · 14/08/2020 17:28

Imo he has plans to get you pregnant accidentally..
I was trapped in an abusive relationship this way.
Wish mn had been around for me back then.
Get a coil in ASAP.
Then reconsider the relationship... His attitude towards your dd is alarming.

Original poster

mrsstrange245 · 14/08/2020 17:31

Thank you everyone you've all been supportive I honestly had an inkling he was thinking about getting me pregnant
Like at one point weeks ago we were dtd and I asked if he'd put a condom on I couldnt see as we were doing doggy sorry tmi
But he said no and I nearly hit the roof

OP posts:

dollypops15 · 14/08/2020 17:33

Its your body you choose YOUR contraception. Even if u do have the coil in, you can have it taken out if you do decide to try for a baby

Leaannb · 14/08/2020 17:40

@mrsstrange245

Thank you everyone you've all been supportive I honestly had an inkling he was thinking about getting me pregnant Like at one point weeks ago we were dtd and I asked if he'd put a condom on I couldnt see as we were doing doggy sorry tmi But he said no and I nearly hit the roof

Get rid of him. He is definitely trying to trap you with a baby

WatchMeRun · 14/08/2020 17:43

Your updates make him sounds controlling and more.

Also you don't need to have the copper coil put in on your period. It can be done whenever and can be used as emergency contraception up to five days after unprotected sex. Once removed you can conceive pretty much immediately.

peachpuppy · 14/08/2020 17:46

@mrsstrange245 If you thought he was wearing a condom, that might easily fit into rape by deception. Just wanted you to know about that in case you didn't. Good luck xxx

ememem84 · 14/08/2020 17:56

Absolutely leave now. Before you’re trapped

picklemewalnuts · 14/08/2020 18:22

That's really serious. He's quietly lining you up as his now and future property.

Suzi888 · 14/08/2020 18:41

@mrsstrange245At least he’s been honest, if he wants children then he’s entitled to voice that wish. However he’s displaying a lot of immaturity. You are also fully entitled to exercise your right not to have a baby and to take precautions that are right for you.
I would be very annoyed that he’s admitted to not wearing a condom, when presumably he was very aware you don’t want a baby at the moment. That’s a very selfish, dangerous and controlling thing to do.....

Monday55 · 14/08/2020 18:42

He sounds controlling and doesn't seem to understand how contraception works. Try explaining how the contraception you have chosen works if his attitude doesn't change afterwards I'd consider ending the relationship.

Graphista · 14/08/2020 18:43

I have to agree it sounds as if you're in what is certainly at least becoming an abusive relationship.

Stealthing - not using a condom when he's told u he will be/is is illegal and is a form of coercive rape.

Frankly at your age I would strongly advise you dump his sorry arse!

My dd isn't much younger than you and I would HATE her to be in a relationship like this.

She has dumped guys for much less dodgy behaviour in the bedroom!

He clearly either doesn't understand or more likely doesn't CARE about consent or about your wish NOT to become pregnant.

You already have a 3 year old, you know how much work a baby is and you have many many years to have another child if you wish to.

I'm also fairly certain you're not married to this guy and marriage hasn't even been discussed? If so what is YOUR PERSONAL financial situation and job situation? Because as I'm sure you already know from having your dd, having a baby impacts and slows down career development and income quite significantly.

Any DECENT man:

Understands, cares about and follows good behaviour regarding consent

Proposes or discusses marriage before children

Doesn't guilt trip/gaslight etc the potential mother of his child!

Get rid op you CAN do better - I'm guessing he has you convinced that as a young single mum that's not the case. I was a single mum throughout dds childhood and numerous friends/family are/have been single mums too and I can assure you there are plenty of decent men interested in dating single mums AND there's nothing wrong with remaining single either.

Dump the loser!

TyroSaysMeow · 14/08/2020 18:52

He thinks he's entitled to a vote on what you do with your body.

Your body is not the joint property of all parties in the relationship. It's yours. The fact he doesn't understand that is reason enough to run for the hills.

And I agree, it sounds like he'd very much like to engineer an accident. He clearly cannot be trusted to use condoms properly so I'd implore you not to engage in PIV until you've got your own contraception sorted to your own satisfaction.

Original poster

mrsstrange245 · 14/08/2020 19:00

Thank you everyone
My situation is difficult I'm on UC live in my own house have a part time job looking go back to college in the next month or so
I stupidly let him borrow money and he owes me £600 he said his parents were throwing him out I let him move in with me temporarily didn't charge him house keep or anything I couldn't afford to keep the house going until I got my money back I'm honestly an idiot for letting this happen he was absolutely the sweetest before he moved in I couldn't fault him so much has changed

OP posts:

Original poster

mrsstrange245 · 14/08/2020 19:03

Not married or anything

OP posts:

Thingsdogetbetter · 14/08/2020 19:13

You have a full blown controlling lying cocklodger on your hands! If his parents did actually kick him out, why? He's living free in your home, borrows money off you and has decided the best way to make it permanent is to get you pregnant.

You're never going to get your money back. He's not stupid - he knows that once you have he's history. He needs you pregnant and desperate.

You need him out. Fast.

Bella2020 · 14/08/2020 19:14

You're living with 2 children; him and your daughter. He sounds immature, selfish and controlling. He seems to be treating you like his meal ticket, too. Please chuck him out and find someone who deserves to be with you and your daughter.

LordOftheRingz · 14/08/2020 19:16

@Thingsdogetbetter

You're never going to get your money back. He's not stupid - he knows that once you have he's history. He needs you pregnant and desperate.

You need him out. Fast.

and this x 100.

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