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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Aibu to decide what contraception I want to use

69 replies

mrsstrange245 · 14/08/2020 17:11

Hi everyone
So bit of background Iv been with my Dp for 2 years have a child from previous relationship she's 3. for one year I was one the pill kept bleeding nearly everyday so stopped it
Being using condoms the rest
So today I got really fed up as he was complaining he doesn't feel anything when using a condom so I said fair enough while he was at work I rang my GP said to ring back on Monday morning and someone will discuss other contraception methods that would be suitable so I told my bf I possibly wanted a copper coil fitted he got really upset and said where is my say in that I said it was none of his business it's my body
He then started rambling on that I won't be able to have a child with him and why did I keep my other child if I didn't want any I was young and stupid but Iv a beautiful little girl and she's happy and well that's all that matters I don't want another one and he knows that don't get why that came up?
AIBU???

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 14/08/2020 19:16

Oh dear. I not know what to say. You've been royally shafted.

Get the coil fitted ASAP and don't tell him. Honestly, he is trying to get you pregnant, so take steps to make sure that doesn't happen.

I think you need to work out how much money you need to claw back.
You can write it off and get rid of him, or else keep up the pretence as long as you are able, so you can get more money back.

I'd make sure I had support around when you ask him to leave, though. He could get nasty, given his behaviour so far.

Merryoldgoat · 14/08/2020 19:17

Your partner isn’t very bright, is he?

AnotherEmma · 14/08/2020 19:18

You do realise that now he's moved in with you, you have to update your UC claim? If he's working and earning his income will be counted and your entitlement to UC might be reduced or stopped. You also have to tell the council as you're no longer entitled to a single person discount for council tax.

There are a lot of red flags here, the main one being sex without a condom when you didn't consent (non consensual sex is otherwise known as rape), also thinking he's entitled to a say in the contraction you use (since you can't trust him to use condoms) and not contributing financially. Abuse cocklodger alert. LTB.

hammeringinmyhead · 14/08/2020 19:20

There are a lot of red flags here, the main one being sex without a condom when you didn't consent (non consensual sex is otherwise known as rape), also thinking he's entitled to a say in the contraction you use (since you can't trust him to use condoms) and not contributing financially. Abuse cocklodger alert. LTB.*

This. I bet he thinks you won't kick him out if you get pregnant. Get rid asap.

Viviennemary · 14/08/2020 19:26

I don't like the idea of a coil. Too many problems. Still it's your decision. It does sound as if he would like a child and if you're adamant you don't is it not better to split up. Read your other post. He is for getting rid off. Quickly.

Merryoldgoat · 14/08/2020 19:30

You need to get rid of this guy OP, and you know it.

What kind of person takes £600 from a single person on benefits?

Clue: NOT a decent one

Added to the idea he thinks it’s ok to go condomless without your permission it’s clear he’s bad news.

Tippytaps · 14/08/2020 19:36

Given the context I suspect there was no problem with his parents and that he has deliberately borrowed enough money to cripple you this month so you are trapped.

Emotional and financial abuse tend to go hand in hand with reproductive abuse and physical abuse (physical abuse often comes a bit later, often during the first pregnancy).

Has he said anything to indicate he is jealous of you going to college? Are there any other behaviours that have caused you to question yourself? Does he do things like slam his plate or chair down or punch walls? Does he sulk if he doesn’t get his own way? The way he talks about your daughter is chilling. Do you want someone with those thoughts around your daughter?

Does your doctor have e-consult? (Look at their website) if not you can do this by email before Monday saying that you are concerned your boyfriend is trying to get you pregnant against your wishes and that you need an emergency appointment. Do it this way so that if your boyfriend is around on Monday he can’t overhear your suspicions. (usually I would say to always discuss everything with your partner, but he has already shown he will use emotional blackmail to try to get what he wants so he has lost that as an option.)

Do not let him stay with you any longer. You may need professional help in order to get away from him safely. Call Woman’s Aid and find out what the current advice is. Do you have a good relationship with his parents, if so they might be able to help. If you have friends or family who can help then tell them what is going on too. You may need a lot of support and possibly their physical presence for protection.

If you feel afraid at any point please call the police for help don’t wait until he has done something to call them. Call them at the first sign of feeling afraid. If you have an iPhone set up the SOS option.

Once you have got him out, call his parents, explain he’s borrowed £600 from you and now you can’t afford to feed your daughter. Hopefully they will do the right thing and repay you. If not, as you are in receipt of universal credit, you will be able to apply for a loan from the job centre to carry you through the rest of the month.

sruitfalad · 14/08/2020 19:42

@Thingsdogetbetter

You have a full blown controlling lying cocklodger on your hands! If his parents did actually kick him out, why? He's living free in your home, borrows money off you and has decided the best way to make it permanent is to get you pregnant.

You're never going to get your money back. He's not stupid - he knows that once you have he's history. He needs you pregnant and desperate.

You need him out. Fast.

THIS WITH BELLS ON. Tell him to fuck off.

Groovinpeanut · 14/08/2020 19:42

OP, as hard as it seems you know the best way forward in this situation. You're never going to see that £600 again.
He's onto a good thing with you, and he knows it. He's planning on getting you pregnant and his feet well and truly under your table. As you've said you have a lovely happy, healthy little girl and your own home, little job, and a return to college in the near future.
Chuck this guy out. He's got an agenda. Trust me getting rid of him will be £600 spent, and cheap at half the price.

Graphista · 14/08/2020 19:44

Oh op!

You've learned the hard way indeed DON'T let anything like this happen again.

He's a total cocklodger and is trying to get you pregnant to trap you into not dumping him!

PLEASE tell me you haven't been stupid re UC and council tax and that you DID tell the authorities he'd moved in?

Either way get him out this weekend! Write off the £600 - it'll be cheaper than keeping him around in vain hopes that he'll ever step up and be a decent man!

Where he goes is NOT your problem.

The money you've lost is money you could have spent on your daughter and could ill afford to lose but what's done is done.

LIMIT the damage he is causing you and get him gone!

Parents rarely throw a child out, I strongly suspect he was taking the piss at home too!

If his own parents won't put up with his shit you certainly shouldn't!

In future I would say:

Watch out for red flags (mean with money, inconsiderate or worse during sex, thoughtless etc)

DON'T have anyone move in until you've been dating at least a year especially with a little one in the house

And of course ensure your contraception is spot on and not subject to their whims! You're the one that will be left with the majority if not all the responsibility!

Feralkidsatthecampsite · 14/08/2020 19:54

Tell him UC have been in touch and he needs to move out or your benefits will stop.
Unless he is willing to pay 50 /50 of everything from Monday..
.

Whatisthisfuckery · 14/08/2020 19:59

OP, everything about this is wrong. This is not just an MN overreaction, this guy is really bad news for you and your DD. Please get shot of him.

Whatisthisfuckery · 14/08/2020 20:01

And if you’re still claiming UC as a single person and you get found out, you’ll have more than £600 to worry about.

mrsstrange245 · 14/08/2020 20:03

Iv honestly been such a dick he was honestly the most kind and caring man I'd met he was very mature I thought I'd struck gold Iv always gotten in the abusive relationships didn't see a red flag until he moved it and I'm honestly thinking Iv no worth anymore my ex was like it my own father was like it now the man I thought was amazing is everything like it.

OP posts:
Suzi888 · 14/08/2020 20:04

Your update has provided a much bigger picture, he’s moved in and changed. He’s let you support him financially but thinks he’s grown up enough to father a child?! He’s had unprotected sex with you, without your knowledge.
One of the other posters is correct, if you claim universal credit it could cause you complications if he uses your address for anything like opening /changing bank accounts, council tax, electoral roll. His parents threw him out?! Your so young and seem to be trying to make a nice life for your little girl, you have your whole life ahead of you. Your little girl won’t remember this boy (you don’t say if he’s a good step dad to her) but his behaviour towards you is very worrying. I’m old enough to be your mum and if you my daughter me & my hubby would be cornering this lad for a talking to... and he wouldn’t be welcome back.
If you are renting he has no right to occupy your property if he’s not listed on the tenancy.
Do you have parental support or any family or friends that could assist you when you tell him to vacate your home? Please take care whatever you decide, but I agree with others that there are many red flags and these are early warning signs. What’s his family background like? Do you know his friends? Any exes... please be careful.

mrsstrange245 · 14/08/2020 20:04

Iv nothing in this house because I can't afford it authorities know about the situation but as I'm paying full rent and he does sweet fa I'm only entitled to a little bit of money and it goes on gas and everything else

OP posts:
QueSera · 14/08/2020 20:05

I'm sorry OP - but he sounds awful. He has no right to dictate your birth control, especially as his comments seem designed to get you "accidentally" pregnant by him. And he's said horrible things about your DD. I cant see that a future with him will be a happy one.

mrsstrange245 · 14/08/2020 20:07

He was so good with dd at the beginning I couldnt fault because I could t afford Christmas he bought her all her presents give me his old car bought me a phone and paid my insurance

OP posts:
Feralkidsatthecampsite · 14/08/2020 20:07

Omg he sounds like my ex. Older and wiser, arrived to save me. Moved in, bled me dry, never worked, we had 3 dc as I felt trapped and he always threatened to take dc1 if we split. He had me brainwashed I was nothing in my own. So skint once I borrowed bus fare to meet a relative who bought us some shopping...

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 14/08/2020 20:09

Jesus wept! I'd dump him pronto.

Suzi888 · 14/08/2020 20:10

And you are not a dick! That’s how abuse starts, very clever.
Concentrate on your little girl and your studies, you don’t need to deal with this man -child.

AnotherEmma · 14/08/2020 20:15

Kick him out and do the Freedom Programme.

StellaElevator · 14/08/2020 20:22

“He then started rambling on that I won't be able to have a child with him and why did I keep my other child”

This part is unforgivable. Do not have a child with this awful excuse for a man. Kick him out, get well rid and don’t look back. You have your beautiful little girl and don’t need a partner like this to cause you issues!

Graphista · 14/08/2020 20:23

Given your post 5m ago about ex and father I strongly recommend you get therapy.

The freedom course which is run by women's aid is often recommended on here. I've not done it myself but have read many posts by posters who have and found it very good.

The one POSSIBLE benefit of having a similar dad (I've an abusive dad too) is they can be very useful at "seeing off" this type of man.

It certainly sounds as if you'll be financially better off without him there too as you have declared him but he's not paying his way, your UC will likely go up (I wonder too if this is why he's wanting u pregnant?!) and you can get your single person council tax discount reinstated.

He was so good with dd at the beginning I couldnt fault because I could t afford Christmas he bought her all her presents give me his old car bought me a phone and paid my insurance

This is a COMMON con artists trick - give to get! Appear generous yourself, make the other person feel indebted to you and then milk them dry!

I have a branch of the family tree who are genuine well known (to the authorities) con artists. This is how they start!

Read up on love rat con artists and almost every tale starts with "he was so generous in the beginning..."

You are NOT a dick, you're vulnerable due to your upbringing and previous experiences - they seem to be VERY good at noticing this.

I've been watching criminal minds again recently and they often say on there (and it's true!) criminals are the best "profilers" they know exactly how to size up a potential victim, which one has low self esteem, is vulnerable, is least likely to make an official complaint or even scream/shout if grabbed/assaulted.

There are 3 responses to "danger" (and this doesn't just apply to immediate danger which is when these are most often referenced):

Fight - these people challenge, question etc

Flight - runners

Freeze - some people go numb and don't know how to act so don't do anything.

I'm a fighter, on the occasions when someone's tried to assault me or someone near me I've automatically gone into raging nutter mode! Not always advisable btw esp when you're a 5'2" woman with no weapons! But in less immediate situations it's served me well.

My sister is unfortunately a freezer - she just shuts down. Somehow people seem to realise this about her and as a result she's been mugged and even almost abducted several times. In relationships she's succumbed to controlling types and emotionally/mentally freezes and doesn't act to get out. My parents and I have had to extricate her on several occasions.

You seem to be a "freezer" too. These responses are innate BUT they can be overcome with training. My sister has learned some techniques which have helped her and she's done a lot of therapy on the relationship side of things which has helped.

But really my point is that less savoury types seem to have a 6th sense when it comes to targeting their victims - that's NOT the victims fault.

Littleposh · 14/08/2020 20:26

Please get him out asap and get more UC, this is not a good situation for you or your daughter, his motives don't seem genuine and you come across as far too intelligent and strong to be dragged down by someone like this. You can do better and you deserve to

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