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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Gift unfairness

66 replies

SassandBelle · 14/08/2020 15:36

I have one sibling, my sister and she has five children, the children are my parents only grandchildren as I don't have any and never will. Understandably my parents dote on their grandchildren.

My parents are not wealthy, but not hard up. They are very generous with the children, and my sister and her husband who frequently ask them for hand outs even though both are working and well paid (income of over £100,000 per year). My sister is terrible with money and overspends on holidays, house extensions, furniture, etc, leaving her short for essentials which is where my parents are asked.

I am angry with her and her husband for putting my parents in this situation, but also for the hours and hours and hours of unpaid childcare they give them.

My AIBU, is that it was recently my birthday. I got nothing from my parents other than a card. Is this unreasonable to be miffed? I don't earn the money my sister does but I am much more careful (tight) so it appears I have more money as I have savings which my parents are aware of.

Sister and family are currently on holiday and I know my mum bought them all new outfits to go away with (the children) - a really sweet gesture that I'm not criticising but wonder why I don't appear worthy of a gift?

OP posts:

ExCoffeeAddict · 14/08/2020 15:42

Can your parents say no? Are they under pressure to agree?
I have voted YABU as your parents are adults and can spend their money as they see fit

My parents buy my dd clothes and "treat" her very often. They give her holiday spends. My sibling does not have kids. But i have no idea if or what my parents give my sibling financially or otherwise as its none of my buisness.

In some ways yanbu that you didnt get a bday gift that's pretty rubbish but again that's seperate to what they give your sibling

Maybe seperate to the sibling issue you mention you were a bit put out that you never got a gift?

Original poster

SassandBelle · 14/08/2020 15:47

Yes my parents can say no if they want to, but as you say they spend their money as they want.

It's just that as their only other child, I am treated so differently to my sister.

I have no problem with them treating the kids, it's when my sister takes the Mickey out of them. They are quite elderly and I wish she didn't take such advantage.

OP posts:

mrsm43s · 14/08/2020 15:58

I think it would have been nice if your parents bought you a birthday gift, even if it was a token one. That said, lockdown may have made that hard since they are elderly.

However, one point that I have to make is that what they do for their grandchildren is separate to what they do for you and your sister. You describe childcare for the children and outfits for the children - no doubt if you had children then they would benefit similarly. But your parents don't need to compensate you in some way for everything that they do for their grandchildren just because you haven't got children of your own.

mrsm43s · 14/08/2020 16:02

@SassandBelle

Yes my parents can say no if they want to, but as you say they spend their money as they want.

It's just that as their only other child, I am treated so differently to my sister.

I have no problem with them treating the kids, it's when my sister takes the Mickey out of them. They are quite elderly and I wish she didn't take such advantage.

How are you treated differently to your sister?

If you were in financial difficulty, would you parents help out like they have helped out your sister?

If you had children would your parents buy them holiday clothes and have them over, like they do with your sister's children?

If so, then they are treating you fairly. It is just that your needs are different.

You sound horribly jealous tbh.

FatArse123 · 14/08/2020 16:02

This would hurt me, OP. Yes your parents can spend their money as they wish, but YANBU for feeling hurt by that. I once read somewhere that when people are concerned about material things, it's actually about love they're not getting. Makes sense to me - there's a similar dynamic in my family. I get smaller gifts than my siblings and it makes me feel less loved, which I know I am. Conversely I don't care what my lovely DH gets me for my birthday - so long as he remembers - because I know he loves me.

GhostCurry · 14/08/2020 16:03

Nope, I wouldn’t like this either.

ShouldWeChangeTheBulb · 14/08/2020 16:03

Does your sister get birthday gifts?

PermaStress · 14/08/2020 16:06

I would have to ask my parents what the hell were they playing at. And my sister too.

1forAll74 · 14/08/2020 16:09

You are the sensible Sister and can rise above the way your Sister goes about her life. Your parents do what they do, and won't change. You can change your mindset about everything,and not get hung up about your Sister and her rash way of life. Not worth thinking about really.

Eddielzzard · 14/08/2020 16:12

Have you asked them why they treat you so differently? Have they always done this?

dontdisturbmenow · 14/08/2020 16:15

Does your sister get birthday gifts?
This the only relevant part. They can treat their grandkids as they wish and since you don't have any, can't discriminate.

What would be very wrong us if they get your sister birthday presents and not you.

Is it the first year or have they never obliged?

SavoyCabbage · 14/08/2020 16:15

@ShouldWeChangeTheBulb

Does your sister get birthday gifts?

It all boils down to this.

Cheeseandwin5 · 14/08/2020 16:16

I have to say, and the reason why I lost sympathy you with, I hate when third parties try to make assessments of other ppls wealth just to make their own case stronger.
How would you know they get over £100k , is it net of gross, more importantly what expenses do they have.
Also why do your parents know how much savings you have?
More over they have 5 kids, their expenses are going to be much higher than you could imagine.
If you think you are going short or that your parents are some how being manipulated that is one thing, but it seems to be you are fairly comfortable and your parents are helping out their child and grandchildren because they are in need.

Zaphodsotherhead · 14/08/2020 16:18

I don't think the issue is your sister's children; it's the fact that your parents treat you and your sister very differently. It shouldn't matter whether you've got savings and she's on the bones of her arse, your parents should still treat you fairly (ie, maybe giving your sister money but giving you a new car or something). Otherwise you could have one sibling who just sits around all day being financed and another who works hard and isn't seen 'worthy' of being given anything.

Can you raise the issue with them, about how you perceive things to be? They genuinely may not see it (as they are buying things for the GC and probably giving your sister money 'to help the children' and they've rationalised it that they would do the same for you if/when you have children).

You may need to point things out until they see them.

1Morewineplease · 14/08/2020 16:18

I think I’d be quite hurt too.

KarmaStar · 14/08/2020 16:25

Hi OP,

You should be having this conversation with your family,none of us can answer your question as to why " you are not worthy of a gift".
Do you feel you are being punished for having savings?
A sit down time with your family to talk things through,it's the only way to get answers to your concerns and if you want to,question your sister's alleged taking advantage of your parents.
With the air cleared hopefully you can all feel some relief and move forward as a closer family.
Standing back silently seething is not the answer.
Good luck

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 14/08/2020 16:30

yes this would hurt me too in your position OP. Yes I know its their money to spend as they like, and yes if you needed financial help they would help. But it just stings.

Pittapitta · 14/08/2020 16:34

Do you usually swap gifts with them? Yanbu it’s hurtful

Bobbybobbins · 14/08/2020 16:34

My sister gets more financial support from me and my brother. We don't mind it as in general it's to support her kids (we also have kids but don't need it).

I think it's the fact it's a present or lack of that would really annoy me and it sends a different message.

villamariavintrapp · 14/08/2020 16:35

I think treating your kids differently to how you treat your grandkids is ok really. It's a shame you're disappointed not to get a gift, but I think the comparison would be with your sister, not her children.

mellicauli · 14/08/2020 16:41

Don't buy them a gift on their birthday. Treat yourself instead. At least you'll get what you want!

TorgosPizza · 14/08/2020 16:41

YANBU to be bothered, annoyed, or hurt. If possible, I'd try not to discuss my personal finances with my parents, in these circumstances. Do they need to know you have savings?

I've seen this play out in my own extended family where one child's family earned less money than another child's family, but the lower earner (despite having one child more than their sibling) were careful and lived within their means. That meant less expensive holidays, less expensive lifestyle, used cars, etc. Meanwhile, their sibling lived less responsibly. The parents saw all this but still felt it was acceptable to tell the lower earner's family sob stories about how bad things were for their sibling... Money troubles, etc. (Self-inflicted, but that was never mentioned, of course.) Also offered free childcare for the other sibling, so on and so forth. It led to resentment and wasn't good for any of those family relationships.

I'm not sure what you can do other than tell your parents how you feel.

jessstan2 · 14/08/2020 16:41

I would be a bit hurt if parents did not give me something more than a card for my birthday but do they give your sister and brother in law birthday gifts? They may only buy for the children.

If you were in difficulty or really felt you needed something, would they help you?

Presumably, when your parents die, their estate will be divided between you and your sister.

It's sad that you feel a bit sidelined but quite honestly, your parents should keep quiet about what they spend on your sister and her family. Never let your right hand know what your left is doing! I realise it may be your sister who is telling you and in your place, I would suggest she is more discreet, that it is inappropriate for her to be talking about personal finances.

Don't be too hard on sis, five kids cost a lot to keep! Yes I know she didn't have to have such a big family but what's done is done.

frazzledasarock · 14/08/2020 16:47

Don’t tell your family about your financial status or your savings. Your sister clearly bangs on about having no money so she gets handouts.

Do you all usually do birthday gifts? I can see why you’re hurt.
I’d take this is as the norm now and send birthday cards for everyone’s birthdays and not bother with gifts.

sammylady37 · 14/08/2020 16:48

I agree completely. My sister does this a lot, “oh I’d love to have your disposable income” etc. She knows my gross salary (public sector, easily searchable) but I bet she never does the tax calculator part, just assumed I’m on the same tax rate as her, which I’m not... I’m crucified with tax due to being single, childfree and a high earner, so my much vaunted high salary is decimated (where I live, the threshold for higher rate tax is €35,300) (I still have a very decent net income, but it’s far from what people think it is) - but my point is, my sister has no idea what my expenses are. No idea of my mortgage cost, my insurance costs (despite being a state employee I need to pay private indemnity insurance for work) etc. Some day, I’ll sit her down and watch her jaw drop!

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