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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Gift unfairness

66 replies

SassandBelle · 14/08/2020 15:36

I have one sibling, my sister and she has five children, the children are my parents only grandchildren as I don't have any and never will. Understandably my parents dote on their grandchildren.

My parents are not wealthy, but not hard up. They are very generous with the children, and my sister and her husband who frequently ask them for hand outs even though both are working and well paid (income of over £100,000 per year). My sister is terrible with money and overspends on holidays, house extensions, furniture, etc, leaving her short for essentials which is where my parents are asked.

I am angry with her and her husband for putting my parents in this situation, but also for the hours and hours and hours of unpaid childcare they give them.

My AIBU, is that it was recently my birthday. I got nothing from my parents other than a card. Is this unreasonable to be miffed? I don't earn the money my sister does but I am much more careful (tight) so it appears I have more money as I have savings which my parents are aware of.

Sister and family are currently on holiday and I know my mum bought them all new outfits to go away with (the children) - a really sweet gesture that I'm not criticising but wonder why I don't appear worthy of a gift?

OP posts:

frazzledasarock · 14/08/2020 16:48

Five kids may cost a lot to keep but surely it’s the parents decision and therefore responsibility to maintain them. And with a household income of over £100,000 per year they’re not exactly on the breadline.

DrManhattan · 14/08/2020 16:49

Can't you just ask them?

HerNameWasEliza · 14/08/2020 16:50

I understand why you're feeling hurt and don't think that calling you jealous is very compassionate or fair. You are struggling with feeling less loved than your sister. It doesn't take a psychologist to realise how painful that would be.

I think comparing yourself with the grandchildren is probably unhelpful. They do not have money of their own (or not much) and it makes sense that your parents want to spoil them. As others have said I'd wonder whether adults in your family give each other BD presents? Does your sister get a BD present? If she did and you didn't is there anything else which explains the disparity? e.g. are you actually really hard to buy for? Have you returned/ given away lots of gifts in the past? Do you parents think you don't actually want presents any more? I wonder whether it would be feel possible to talk about this with your parents - who I assume you get presents for?

bevelino · 14/08/2020 16:54

OP I understand how you must feel and you should speak to your family.

I have 4 dds and they know exactly how much money each of their sisters have; and they keep a sharp eye on me for fear of missing out.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/08/2020 16:57

You have to take the DGC out of the equation. What your parents do for them is for them. Not for your sister although she benefits indirectly, I know, if it's things she'd normally have to pay for (clothes, schooling, clubs).

The other thing is that if your parents give money/finance things (holidays, home improvements) they may see it as benefiting the DGC rather than primarily benefitting your sister.

You have to look at what your parents do directly for your sister vs what they do for you. Buying HER clothes or a 'solo' holiday, giving HER gifts, furnishing HER bedroom, etc.

It can be shitty I know, but you are right that in the end they can do what they like with their money. Just remember it when time comes to provide your parents with 'elder care'. Chances are your sister will try to plead that she 'can't' because 'she has children' and is busy and since you 'have no responsibilities' you should shoulder the burdens. Just be ready to remind her of everything your parents have done for her/her children vs what they didn't do for you.

adulthumanwoman · 14/08/2020 16:59

The children are a separate generation and your parents would probably treat yours equally. Do they buy your sister presents?
My parents stop presents at 18 for everyone - it is stingy, but fair.

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 14/08/2020 17:03

My AIBU, is that it was recently my birthday. I got nothing from my parents other than a card. Is this unreasonable to be miffed?
Do they normally buy you a birthday gift and is it just the recent birthday they have ignored?

I'm not criticising but wonder why I don't appear worthy of a gift?
If they have just stopped buying you gifts without an explanation, then I would ask them. I would tell them how it makes me feel. It is unfair if they buy your sister birthday gifts.

On the subject of them giving money to your Sis and her family, it is up to them to say no if they don't wish to do so. If they are happy to then fine, if they are not then they need to become more assertive.

Elakiya · 14/08/2020 17:05

@SassandBelle This happens to me. The exact same thing. But it's not even with a sister. It's with my cousin! She has 2 kids and her husband has multiple affairs and is sleeping around (yes still sleeping around) and because of this my parents and hers have decided to spoil her. She gets her way with everything and it frustrates me so much! I don't have kids either and nor does her brother which is also why she's treated so favourably.

My best advice to you is to start ignoring it, honestly that's all you can do. If you mention it to your parents they'll just be thinking your being petty and childish and jealous (this is what mine thought) so why bother with all the heart ache. But I completely understand why you feel upset by it because it upset me too

frustrationcentral · 14/08/2020 17:11

DH is currently upset about how differently the children are treated within the family. His brothers children have all had their school blazers bought by their Grandad, who has never offered to buy ours. Likewise DH was talking to his Dad recently who openly said how he'd offered to buy a car for our niece, with no offer to buy/chip in to one for our son ( same age - both learning)

It's not the money, it's the feeling that our children are not being seen in the same way as their cousins. It would be nice to think their grandparents wants to buy a piece of their uniform etc

I think my in laws do it for money reasons. They seem to believe that DH's brothers family have less money ( probably because DH is a high earner and we can afford for me to be a SAHM) but actually the families incomes are pretty similar. I think that's why FIL is so open about it, as he thinks it's fine, which it would be. DH doesn't take it that way though sadly.

Mrsmadevans · 14/08/2020 17:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Atadaddicted · 14/08/2020 17:16

Your “anger” is misplaced

Your parents presumably have full cognitive function? In which case, nothing was stopping them from buying you a present. Sadly, they chose not.

Unless your sister had a gun to their heads if they did anything beyond buy you a car, she’s not to blame

Atadaddicted · 14/08/2020 17:16

Card

damnthatanxiety · 14/08/2020 17:18

Big question is 'do they buy your DS a birthday gift'? If they do then it is very unfair and I would ask them why not you. Even if they don't I do find it really very harsh that your parents buy A HOLIDAY FOR THEIR ENTIRE FAMILY and don't even buy you a gift card for your birthday and anyone saying this is fair is just being contrary. What happens at Christmas OP?

welcometohell · 14/08/2020 17:22

YANBU to be disappointed that your DP's didn't get you anything for your birthday. Does your sister get birthday presents from them? If so then that is very unfair and I think most people would find that hurtful. The fact that your sister is reckless with money and then asks your DP's to bail her out is frustrating but unless your DP's would refuse to help you out with money if you asked then it's not really an issue of fairness per se.

I don't really understand why you're angry about them doing childcare for their GC though. If you also had DC and the same help wasn't extended to you then I could completely see your point, but that's not the case so what's the problem?

GisAFag · 14/08/2020 17:27

Unless you have power of attorney its not up to you to decide how your parents spend their money. How would you like it if you were told what you can and can't do with your own money?

Doubledeckers · 14/08/2020 17:32

Sorry, tired fingers pressed YABU instead of YANBU.

Viviennemary · 14/08/2020 17:36

I think that's horribly mean of your parents. You should distance themselves from them as this obviously cause a you a lot of hurt. Send only a card on their birthday and at Christmas. No visits.

Viviennemary · 14/08/2020 17:37

Yourselves. Autocorrect strikes again.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 14/08/2020 17:38

I have to say, and the reason why I lost sympathy you with, I hate when third parties try to make assessments of other ppls wealth just to make their own case stronger.
How would you know they get over £100k , is it net of gross, more importantly what expenses do they have

I completely agree. It always bemuses me when people claim to know exactly what others earn and what they spend and what exactly their bills/outgoings are. Unless you view their online banking every month you have no clue- you literally only know the crumbs of information they throw you. I dont tell my family every last detail about my finances and I dont know a single other person who does this. Its not their business.

bruffin · 14/08/2020 17:38

@damnthatanxiety

Where did op say they bought a holiday for the entire family. They bought outfits for the children to go on holiday not a holiday!

Sophiesdog2020 · 14/08/2020 17:41

@damnthatanxiety - where does Op say that her parents paid for her sisters holiday? She didn’t as far as I can see?

@Zaphodsotherhead
Otherwise you could have one sibling who just sits around all day being financed and another who works hard and isn't seen 'worthy' of being given anything

Exactly what happened in my family, DB doesn’t work and got monthly payments from my parents, the difference was, I didn’t know about them, until I inadvertently found out about the large house deposit he was also given. My mums reaction “You don’t need it and never asked for it”....yep, as DH and I work for every penny, which made us unworthy in her eyes.

Yes it was their money to spend how they liked, but it still hurt like hell, I definitely felt less loved, and my relationship with my mum never recovered. She died a year and a bit later, I fully expected her will to have been changed to give DB everything, but it hadn’t.

I treat my DC fairly - not always exactly the same but fairly eg one has been to uni, and we helped with living costs, the other probably won’t go so hasn’t needed that help. But when I allowed the eldest to retain his returned house deposit, I gave youngest the same, as I was effectively just giving them some cash towards savings.

Op, maybe try and speak to your parents, find out why no birthday present.

My mum did treat us fairly at Christmas and birthdays as far as I know. Interestingly, I was very touched when I got an Interflora bouquet from her on my 50th, she had never done anything similar before. Unfortunately I have worked out it was just after DB got the house deposit, so I am convinced they were guilt flowers. It definitely has sullied my memory of what seemed like a lovely gesture at the time.

mrsm43s · 14/08/2020 17:45

@damnthatanxiety

They didn't buy her sister A HOLIDAY FOR THEIR ENTIRE FAMILY. They bought the grandchildren (not the sister!) an outfit to wear on holiday????

There's no mention at all of anything that they've bought for the sister, birthday present included. Just that they've helped her out when she's asked for "hand outs" as she had financial difficulties (that OP hasn't got, and presumably therefore hasn't asked for any handouts) and that they buy treats for her children (that OP hasn't got).

I think that OP is confusing "equal" with fair, and feels she should get some form of financial compensation every time her parents buy something for their grandchildren. That would be "equal", but not fair. Fair is the knowledge that if she had children that most likely her parents would have treated all grandchildren the same, and that if she had financial difficulties and asked for help, her parents would help her the same as they have helped her sister.

The comparison here really, is did her sister get a birthday present? That's really the only thing that is relevant. If DS got a present and OP didn't that's a reason to be disgruntled (assuming of course that the reason for the lack of present is not that elderly parents cannot get to the shops because of Covid).

Buccanarab · 14/08/2020 17:55

@sammylady37

What additional taxes are there for being single and child free???

ErinBrockovich · 14/08/2020 17:57

YANBU OP and I completely relate. My sibling constantly has their hand out for money off our parents. This person earns a good wage, has a lovely home and numerous holidays each year.
I am very careful with money, save up for things and don’t need to have designer brands.
Recently my sibling asked our parents to buy her child’s cot, car seat and pram, which our parents did. I saved up and brought my DC’s things second hand.

I don’t know who the mug is tbh. I never get a decent birthday present off my sibling. One year they brought me shampoo and conditioner from the pound shop and they ‘make’ something for my parents which they tell everyone has sentimental value (aka cheap).

Supersimkin2 · 14/08/2020 18:03

How unkind your parents are OP.

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