Gift unfairness

[SassandBelle]

I have one sibling, my sister and she has five children, the children are my parents only grandchildren as I don't have any and never will. Understandably my parents dote on their grandchildren.

My parents are not wealthy, but not hard up. They are very generous with the children, and my sister and her husband who frequently ask them for hand outs even though both are working and well paid (income of over £100,000 per year). My sister is terrible with money and overspends on holidays, house extensions, furniture, etc, leaving her short for essentials which is where my parents are asked.

I am angry with her and her husband for putting my parents in this situation, but also for the hours and hours and hours of unpaid childcare they give them.

My AIBU, is that it was recently my birthday. I got nothing from my parents other than a card. Is this unreasonable to be miffed? I don't earn the money my sister does but I am much more careful (tight) so it appears I have more money as I have savings which my parents are aware of.

Sister and family are currently on holiday and I know my mum bought them all new outfits to go away with (the children) - a really sweet gesture that I'm not criticising but wonder why I don't appear worthy of a gift?

OP you need to separate the two issues.

1. Your parents didn't get you a birthday present

1. You feel your parents do too much for your sister.

Then you need to make your peace with point number 2. It's their relationship to do what they want with. Their money. Their time.

With regards point number 1, have they previously given you gifts?

The only relevant issue is they didn't buy you a birthday gift.

Make sure you only send them a card in future, seen as they 'are not doing gifts'.

@Buccanarab

*@sammylady37

What additional taxes are there for being single and child free???*

Where I live (not UK) there are additional tax credits for married couples and those with dependent children.

Do your parents give your sister birthday presents? If so then maybe it's unfair. But if they don't and only treats their grand children, then no, it's not unfair.

Oh you poor thing OP - it's awful having the reality of your parents unequal regard & care for you and your sibling rubbed in your face like that (it often happens to a daughter with no children in families I've noticed). I'm so sorry this has happened to you

Things like gifts and money are symbols of other people's regard/love for you. It's not unreasonable to feel very upset. And I think the lavishing of gifts on your sister's children is hard to see - it kind of is your business, in that it looks as though - from the outside - your parents are making a huge distinction between their daughter who "gives" them grandchildren, and their daughter who does not.

Certainly, to me as a random stranger on the internet, that's what it looks like.

Are you brave enough to ask them about it? Rather than demand, maybe ask whether they realise that it looks as though they value and love and care for your sister, but they don't show the same love and valuing of you?

If you put it like that, as a question, then it's not about the gifts or money (or lack of) - it's about what those symbolise.

I really feel for you.

I'm the childless daughter, have been on the receiving end of similar, and know exactly how hurtful it is. As others have said, it's not about the money. It's about what that symbolises.

I haven't had contact with my parents for three years now because of this. Which is much less hurtful than feeling like I'm constantly second-rate.

You are effectively being penalised for being childless and careful with your money, whereas your DS is being rewarded for her fecklessness. I would be more than a little miffed if I were you. Did your parents not acknowledge your birthday at all?

I'd be disappointed, I think they've been very unfair.

Shouldn't they be giving you similar to what is given to your sister's whole family, surely?

I don't get this at all.

Grandchildren aren't better than your own children. Your children need to feel valued and loved their whole lives, even as adults.

I think it's pathetic when people just basically neglect one of their children in a stampede to spoil their grandchildren.

Favouritism is awful to experience, yes, different presents, different needs, but no presents at all? Not even £50? Really mean.

Do they give your adult sister birthday presents? If no, then really there’s no evidence of favourtism. They just like spending money on grandkids but not full grown adults. A bit stingy, yes, but not favoritism.

Do many people give their adult children presents? My parents don't. My sister had a child way before me. My parents were spoiling my nephew but I thought nothing of it. Now they spoil my child. If I didn't have any children, I don't think I cared at all.
To me it's odd to think it's unfair and treating siblings differently unless they give adult children with no kids gifts, when they give gifts to their grand children.

My parents treated me like this when I was battling infertility. I didn’t even get a text on my birthday let alone a card. Then my son was born and it was like everything changed - I was even written back into the will after they briefly took me out.

Your children need to feel valued and loved their whole lives, even as adults

This.

YANBU. My in-laws massively favour one sibling over my DH and his brother. One sibling has received over £150k whilst the other two got 5k each. They had their reasons I suppose but my DH (and me) does so much for them whilst the favoured sibling does nothing. They are lovely people but so blinkered when it comes to this for some reason. I would never do that to my DC.

Your parents sound a bit cruel to me OP. It sounds like they are just far more invested in your sister and her kids. I'm not surprised you're hurt.

Five kids will cost a lot to provide for, your sister and her husband knew this before they had so many.