overweight kids

[maudie11]

grand-daughter very overweight and mother has banned me from seeing her because I have said the problem needs to be addressed. i have not been rude and have gently suggested ways to help such as more exercise (9 years old who cannot run much ) and less time on laptops etc. My son was adament about having television in bedroom but was ignored by maternal grandmother and mother. I am worried should I be

Your concerns are valid but you don't have a right to interfere. I would suggest you apologise and stop making comments and hope that they let you see her.

You won't make any difference with your comments and will only damage your relationship with them further.

You're right it's not great that she's over weight. But actually it's not really your place to interfere if they've not asked for your opinion. Apologise quickly.

I was an overweight 9 year old (and tween)

I remember my Grandmother saying 'now you've turned ten, you can do ten push ups every morning' that's one thing that's really stuck with me.

Is that how you want her to remember you?

Yanbu
My friend has recently fallen out with her MIL because she expressed some concern for her child's weight. She's in total denial so I kept my opinion to myself when she told me but her child is very overweight and I think its good at least one member of the family can see it and is concerned.

I think you need to weigh up which you think is more important; making your opinion known (btw I agree with your opinion), or seeing your granddaughter. If you want to see your granddaughter it's clear you need to not voice your opinion on this topic.

Also, I agree with PP, dont mention anything about weight to your granddaughter. You 100% do not want her to hold the memory of you commenting on her weight for the rest of her life.

It’s perfectly reasonable to be concerned, but as others have said it’s not really your place.

Have you been commenting on the child's weight to the child herself?

@maudie11

grand-daughter very overweight and mother has banned me from seeing her because I have said the problem needs to be addressed. i have not been rude and have gently suggested ways to help such as more exercise (9 years old who cannot run much ) and less time on laptops etc. My son was adament about having television in bedroom but was ignored by maternal grandmother and mother. I am worried should I be

There are two things here:

Did you say to the mother that the problem needs to be addressed? Or did you bypass that and say it to the daughter?

If the mother, then YANBU - your daughter should be able to listen to feedback. Too many children in the UK are overweight.

If to your grand-daughter, then perhaps YABU - a nine year old is unlikely to take that well.

P.S She can't run much because she is overweight. That's a chicken and egg scenario in my view. She needs to start somewhere as you suggest.

That’s awful, poor child. In your position I would try to be EXTREMELY tactful and possibly not address the situation directly. Could you instead just keep suggesting fun activities / making helpful suggestions of things your granddaughter may enjoy/ offer to pay for a swimming class or something? Possibly what I would do if it was my granddaughter.

I'd say the only thing that could be wrong here is if you said it to, or in front of, your granddaughter. Saying it to the parents is fine, in my opinion. But not in front of the child. My DD is 10 and skinny, and my mum is bad for making comments like "she's not as skinny as she used to be", in front of her, which then makes DD worry that she's putting weight on.

Sorry posted too soon - I mean I would focus on talking about the health benefits and be really positive about trying some sports or activities. Be encouraging but not judgemental about weight. Set a healthy example yourself and talk to your granddaughter about healthy things you enjoy.

How overweight is the child or is this just based on your opinion?

At 9 I’m sure she’s aware she’s decidedly more chubby than her peers, especially when she’s getting dressed for pe or even when she’s clothes shopping. Instead of 9-10 clothing her mums having to get 11-12etc.

I think your right to say something to the mother, but not necessarily to your granddaughter. You can encourage healthy eating and exercise, but at that age I don’t think it’s right to tell her she’s overweight. Although she should understand the basics of a healthy lifestyle. However if her mother is in denial over this I think their is very little you can do, aside from encourage your granddaughter to eat healthier when she’s with you. So no sweets, cake etc. But encourage her to have an Apple/fruit etc. Same goes for exercise if she spends much time at yours tv off/phones away etc and encourage a walk to the park/bike ride etc. If she struggles to run, swimming may be a good thing for you to do together. Not necessarily something she may view as exercise in the traditional sense, and even if she’s not great at swimming, splashing around and doing a few laps etc can be a good way to burn cals.

I would never offer unsolicited advice on anyone’s weight.
One of our friends had a daughter who was very overweight. We never once mentioned it or discussed it.
She eventually lost it by herself at her own time and is now a normal weight teenager.
They know she is overweight. They don’t want to be told it ‘needs to be addressed’. I assume the ‘ban’ is their need to protect her from comments like this.
Apologising is the way forward.

I think it wasn't your place to comment. How overweight are we talking? As if it's just a little I'm sure a lot if children have probably put on weight due to lock down or was she already overweight? If she is very overweight then I'm surerather doctor will notice and say something

While you’re probably right about your grand daughter, if you want to maintain any kind of a relationship you need to apologies and then keep quiet.

The only way your comments will have been taken is as a criticism, even if you’re right, and no one takes kindly to their children or their parenting being criticised. Your dil has made it clear your advice isn’t wanted, and for now all the control is hers. You need to choose what’s most important to you, getting your point across or seeing your grandchild.

I would also like to know if you said this to the child or just her parents?

You think that “help” is saying, “more exercise and less screen time”? That’s not help that’s criticism.

You’re right that parents should keep their children healthy, but if that’s the sort of thing you’re saying, it’s not helpful.

Who did you say it to - your son? Or his wife?

I understand your concern for your grand-daughters well being with her being overweight but you don't have a right to interfere as others have said. Does your son live with his daughter and her mother? If so then he has every right to put his foot down about the TV in the bedroom, if not then unfortunately again it is not his place to lay down the rules about the other parents house. As others have asked how overweight are we talking? I began to gain a fair bit of weight just before hitting puberty (at 9 years old) I eventually skimmed down alot once I'd reached my full height.

Your concern is valid, but voicing that concern is going to potentially give the child a psychological disorder in later life. It may be that puberty will take care of the excess weight...some kids just get smaller with the body development. I was a stocky kid, but now I am a size 8 and can anything I want. From the teen years, my mother chased me around with a scales and various imposed diets were started at 15 in her vain attempt to turn me into a model...I had anorexia and bulmia until my early 20's when I graduated from University and started a career. I had underlying undiagnosed metabolic issues (polycystic ovaries and hypothyroidism), and if my mother had focused more on looking into medical options during my teens then I may have not developed eating disorders. She tells my kids I am 'fat' behind my back even nowadays when I am slim-build as she clearly has body issues herself. If I visit the house when she has guests she will pull out a weighing scales in front of everyone and tell me I need to step on...to check they are working right. It is thinly veiled abuse which I choose to ignore these days, and part of her own issues about herself. She was projecting these issues onto me as a teen, but it made me ill. She would tell me I would die of diabetes and no-one would fancy me if I was fat. I would hold off with the advice as many teens develop their own healthier habits and she may well lose the excess pounds on her own. You will be in danger of being labelled the nanna who 'nags' and is no fun otherwise.

Love that you’re putting the blame on the mother and her mother. Not your son, the father. Tell him to step up. Does he do active things with his child? Cook healthy meals? Model healthy choices?

How is your relationship with the mother generally? Maybe I’m reading too much into what you’ve said, but I suspect you don’t have a great rapport?

I’d be wary of criticising someone’s parenting. I think it’s likely to blow up in your face. Someone telling you your child needs more exercise and less time on laptops is indirectly telling you that you need to spend more time doing things with your child - maybe this is tough for her at the moment (all sorts of reasons why it could be). Clubs and teams are all closed down right now, so getting your kids exercise means getting out and doing it with them.

Do you spend much time with the granddaughter? If so, if you’re concerned then can you be the one that takes her out for exercise sometimes? That might give the mum a bit of a break as well! If pools are open near you, swimming is a great way to get some exercise and above fun - could you set up a regular time e.g. you take her swimming once a week/once a fortnight/whatever works for you? Or perhaps you could take her to cycle somewhere e.g. picnic in a park where she can play afterwards?

I hope you didn’t phrase it as a problem that needs addressing.... it’s very strong wording! I can imagine it would get someone’s back up. If you did say that, I think apologising might be a good way forward.

I think until we know how it was said i. e to the child or around the child, or indeed how it was said to the mum? also the TV thing, hmm where does your sons responsibility come into this? is everything generally your daughter in laws fault??.

If the parents are allowing their child to get fat, whose place is it to tell them? Teachers aren't allowed to. I think my kids are a healthy weight, but we can all have skewed views. I tend to.compare to other kids, as we don't have scales. If the parents can't see that their child is overweight but others can, how is that fair on the kid? My kids eat what we have in.the house. At present, their weight is down to me. I know their teen years will change, but they're not in.the habit of snacking (although pudding after every meal is a human right) and hopefully enough messages about healthy eating will have permeated.The trouble is, fat kids often grow into fat adults and it's difficult to.come back.from.

Now I'll get told off for being sizeist and that fat people can be fit too, but it's just not fair on the kid.

@Irked123

I was an overweight 9 year old (and tween)

I remember my Grandmother saying 'now you've turned ten, you can do ten push ups every morning' that's one thing that's really stuck with me.

Is that how you want her to remember you?

Ditto .

My grandmother called me the elephant in the room once ... and various other ‘jokes’ and snarky comments ... ‘quick hide the food, x is coming back...’

It really did not help at all - made me fatter ... I’m not saying that’s what you’re like but maybe just as someone else has said, go for a swim, long walks, encourage starting sports in school, or even cooking with grandkids at home maybe?