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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

overweight kids

66 replies

maudie11 · 14/08/2020 11:43

grand-daughter very overweight and mother has banned me from seeing her because I have said the problem needs to be addressed. i have not been rude and have gently suggested ways to help such as more exercise (9 years old who cannot run much ) and less time on laptops etc. My son was adament about having television in bedroom but was ignored by maternal grandmother and mother. I am worried should I be

OP posts:
CarrotCakeCrumbs · 14/08/2020 12:57

@Asuitablecat it would be down to a doctor or health care professional to tell the parents - or if the child is morbidly obese to the point that it is severely affecting their health then it may be down to social services. It isn't fair on the child but the fact remains that it isn't the grandparents place to comment. Lots of things parents do to their children are potentially damaging and unfair, but rightly or wrongly currently all parents in this country do have a very large amount of freedom how to parent their child until it will be flagged as a problem.

firstevernamechange · 14/08/2020 13:09

What makes you think her parents are not aware of the problem?

Sunny4876 · 14/08/2020 13:13

I think ultimately it's your son's job to tackle this situation as he is her parent too.

Proudboomer · 14/08/2020 13:22

I am going to disagree and as long as it was not said in front of the child then you should address the issue with your DIL and son. He doesnt get a free pass in the matter and should be equally responsible.

Everyone saying different what if the granddaughter was on the opposite side of the scale and dangerously under weight and anorexic. Would you turn the other way then and not say anything?

Chaosalways · 14/08/2020 13:29

Very tricky situation, but the fact that you're basically blaming your dil and her mother but not your son speaks volumes.

Gancanny · 14/08/2020 13:36

I would never offer unsolicited advice on anyone’s weight

Exactly this. Not only is it rude, it's none of your business. Unless you are specifically asked for your thoughts on it or for advice on how to tackle it then you need to keep your opinions to yourself and do not comment.

Your dislike of your DIL is obvious in your post. This child has two parents and yet you target the blame at your DIL and her mother.

Pebblexox · 14/08/2020 13:39

I think context is so important here. How did you say this? Who did you say it to?
Personally I would never comment on another child's weight, as it's not my place. Yes as a grandparent you are concerned but it isn't your business to be telling them they need to sort it.

Boshmama · 14/08/2020 13:40

Have you said anything directly to your granddaughter?

My grandad offered to pay me for every lb I lost when I was about 11 - I've never forgotten how I felt about myself.

My mum took me to slimming world at 12 which started a life long binge/starve relationship with food which I'm still dealing with today. I spent years as a teen on 500 kcal a day diets, messed up my cycles, my metabolism, my self esteem and I'm still fat. Probably a lot fatter than I would have been without everyone's 'help'

I look back at pictures of myself at that age and can't believe how I looked - slightly overweight yes, but nowhere near the grotesque monster i felt

If I was your granddaughter's mother I wouldn't let you within 10 miles of her until you sorted yourself out

CorianderLord · 14/08/2020 13:43

It's not your role. You're grandma - nurture, slip her pound coins, bake with her, take her to the park, have fun.

Create a lovely relationship and bond. But, leave parenting to the parents.

Alexandernevermind · 14/08/2020 13:47

You haven't done yourself any favours by pointing out her weight, especially if you did this in front of the child. I will always remember family members teasing me and having concerned little chats about being chubby. Did you think her mother hadn't noticed?
You are right to be concerned if she is very overweight, and a better course of action would have been to spend time with her on lots of nice walks to encourage a healthy lifestyle, then encourage healthy eating by cooking together.

Gancanny · 14/08/2020 14:09

And, shockingly, the OP has vanished...

ZooKeeper19 · 14/08/2020 14:15

@maudie11 I may be in minority here but I agree with you. Good you said something. 9-10 is old enough to understand overweight. Parents should act, if the prefer to hide their head in the sand it's a shame.

Saying "less screen time, more exercise" is good advice. Who the hell should tell them if not their own family.

DishingOutDone · 14/08/2020 14:17

@Gancanny

And, shockingly, the OP has vanished...
I'm paranoid about these threads now, the title is delicious clickbait for those MN who are keen to let everyone know exactly how wrong they are so would support this stance, and the content will outrage most people thinking of how that poor child (if indeed she exists) would feel if she knew how her grandmother felt about her.
GrumpyHoonMain · 14/08/2020 14:19

How did you say it? A quiet word with your dil or ds expressing your concern is fine, but saying anything in front of your GD is not.

I was an obese child and looking back on it, it was definitely mum’s fault because she deliberately ignored so many signs that there was a real metabolic problem at the same as insisting I finish my plate (and then not letting me leave the house to exercise or meet with friends). I got such a shitty childhood and will never forgive her for that. Having my gran chip in with her comments on top of everything really didn’t help.

At the end of the day your GD will know where the real blame lies eventually. Best you can do is foster a good relationship so at least you can role model good habits to her.

DishingOutDone · 14/08/2020 14:19

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MyOwnSummer · 14/08/2020 14:31

I was an overweight kid for a period round about age 12, after an injury put paid to my sporting interests for a long period of time. My nan addressed it by telling me that if I didn't lose weight, nobody would ever want to marry me and banning me from eating anything sugary in her presence on the basis that I should be dieting. She had form for doing similar to my mum at a similar age. My cousin is still on/off anorexic to this day, aged mid 40s.

Fast forward a few years, and five years of anorexia/bulimia, then two years of therapy. I wasn't really happy in my own skin until I was in my mid twenties. I don't think it was worth it, do you?

She meant well, but the damage was real and lasting. I am still angry.

louleey · 14/08/2020 14:44

I don’t think you we’re out of line for mentioning your concerns, as long as it wasn’t infront of the child. How can you not be concerned by a young child being very overweight? You are her grandmother and clearly care for her health and well being. What’s your son doing about the fact that she is overweight and that you now aren’t allowed to see her? You have hit a nerve and made your daughter in law feel like a bad parent, that’s her problem not yours

WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo · 14/08/2020 14:46

The parents are being ridiculous by not tackling this now.

My ds struggles with his weight, partly due to a medication he has to take. But we don't sit on our arses getting offended about it. He can clear miles walking each day, he flies up hills with no bother. His diet is managed, so he still gets the stuff he likes but within reason. We have to be realistic and as we're his parents who chose to bring him into this world it's the least we can do.

Alexandernevermind · 14/08/2020 15:02

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Midsommar · 14/08/2020 15:07

Probably sounds really awful of me but recently I've noticed there are SO many fat children around. I'm talking really overweight, not puppy fat. Kids should not be fat. They should be out playing and running around. Back in the 90s there were hardly any overweight kids, maybe one or two in the school. Now there are so many and it's awful. I dread to think of the health conditions they'll get as they grow older.

DishingOutDone · 14/08/2020 15:14

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Newdaynewname1 · 14/08/2020 15:33

The problem is that obesity is ignored in children. Any other potential risk to health (parasites, rotten teeth, frequent sunburn etc) is quite likely to put interventions on, but obesity (which at her age is likely to have serious consequences down the line) is not taken seriously. Not sure you can do something about it unfortunately.

Original poster
maudie11 · 14/08/2020 17:07

My son and his partner do not live together. He is supposed to have equal responsibility for the children, however his opinion is ignored. He has said on numerous occasions about his daughters weight for several years now but it is just getting worse. the mother allows him to have the children every second week-end when he takes them cycling swimming plays tennis and numerous other physical activities. The mother and family are all obese and think macdonalds breakfast and burgers are ok several times a week.If my son disagrees with anything he is stopped from seeing the children.

OP posts:
Original poster
maudie11 · 14/08/2020 17:17

Just to say to dishingoutdone what a sad person you are. I wanted advice and help to do the right thing for my grand-daughter who is the love of my life and certaintly does exist. She is a beautiful child who desperately needs help.Could my son speak to her doctor do you think. He suggested to her mother they go to the doctor together but she refused

OP posts:
WitchesNStuff · 14/08/2020 18:04

My youngest is overweight. He eats less than my eldest who isn't overweight. He does 10 hours at least exercise a week. He doesn't snack in between meals. No one else in the house is overweight. My DH was the same till he hit puberty. We are not in denial, he is overweight and we'd never deny it however i am not going to put him on a diet. He's keen to do whatever he can to be a healthier weight but we do not push it. I would be furious if someone insisted we did something about it!