overweight kids

[maudie11]

grand-daughter very overweight and mother has banned me from seeing her because I have said the problem needs to be addressed. i have not been rude and have gently suggested ways to help such as more exercise (9 years old who cannot run much ) and less time on laptops etc. My son was adament about having television in bedroom but was ignored by maternal grandmother and mother. I am worried should I be

If she stops your son from seeing them if he says anything then he needs to go to court and sort out access.

Ringing the child's doctor isn't going to do anything, they can't force the family to address the child's weight issue so all this would achieve is to alienate the mother even further.

You need to stay out of it entirely. Your son needs to model good habits during his time with his children and feed them healthy foods when he has them, what happens when they are with their mother is not in his control (and visa versa).

Were your suggestions as gentle as you claim? I do wonder because of your judgement about the tv in her bedroom too, and also bringing maternal grandmother into the argument strikes me as unnecessary. I get that you love your granddaughter but there’s a fine line between caring about her welfare and being judgemental and interfering.

Your son needs to go to court and get access if he isn't happy with how it is now. If your granddaughter is severely overweight and her health is being majorly impacted then either you or your son could ask social services to check on the situation - otherwise, again you really can't dictate how the resident parent does things. I am assuming your son was aware of his ex and her families weight problems and attitudes to food before he had a child with her?

I wonder if the comments on this thread would be the same if the child wasnt fed enough, or was dirty. Why is over feeding your children the only acceptable form of poor parenting?

Comments that you make to children about their weight can be really damaging, even if you don't make them to a child directly.

My DM took me to the DR when I was 8, asking if she should put me on a 1000 calories a day diet.
The DR said emphatically not.

My GM said to me that I would be pretty if I lost weight. It was a constant comment she made from when I was 12 onwards.

I wasn't a particularly big child, but I was always one of the tallest in my class.

My DD is 4, she's 110cm, size 11 feet and is around 3.5 stone. She's constantly on the go, eats healthily and so at this point we're making sure that she stays active and healthy. We know she's heavy and because of my previous negative body comments are focusing on being healthy as a family.

As much as parents on here like to think obese children is normal and you should never question it, it's not normal, it's unhealthy and it will likely kill your child earlier than they should. That's the truth of the matter.

Obesity kills loads of people every year. Do you want your child to have heart failure? There's a couple of kids near me that are bloody huge, they are in desperate need of proper care or they will suffer for the rest of their lives.

This can be done tactfully and without ruining the child's self esteem. Making fun of them isn't the answer. Bribing isn't the answer. You need to explain it to the child and say exactly why it needs done.

Sadly op you can't do that. The mother, like many others, doesn't understand what she is subjecting her child to. Problems with joints, organs etc for her life if this issue isn't resolved.

I also agree with pps that aggressive intervention with childhood obesity can have long lasting, negative impacts on their health and wellbeing. If you read Isabel Foxen-Duke's experience of this, it gives you some insight. She was put on a diet at the age of three and back and forth to the doctors, because she was a heavy child, just built that way. She ended up with all sorts of mental health problems and drug addiction.

In the 20th century, kids were given amphetamines as diet pills which clearly affected their health. I believe Mama Cass was one of these children and obviously she died young.

I am sure the op is not suggesting any of these methods, but just want to point out that sometimes what some people think is a 'proactive' approach to this can actually be overly aggressive and damaging. If the op is grandparent, she may have raised children or been a child at a time when these approaches were more accepted and being fat was to be avoided and derided at all costs.

She still hasn't said if she made these comments in front of the GD, so I'm assuming she did? If so, it may not be that the mum doesn't think the weight needs to be tackled, but that she doesn't think the OP's approach is the best way to do it. Which I can understand.

It isn't get her slim at all costs. It is such a complicated issue. If you take the wrong approach it can get her slim in the short term but may completely ruin her relationship with food and her body, which could be catastrophic in the long run. Many of the 600 lb people you see on tv have been strong armed into diets as children. Yes, it works in that it gets them to be slim for a short time, but obviously not in the long run. At the other end, eating disorders where children undereat or purge are lethal and absolutely awful illnesses which can sometimes not be recovered from.

So again, don't just have the goal of getting the weight off. There is so much more to it than that.

You of course are not being unreasonable to be concerned. It just needs to be handled with sensitivity. As your ds and the mother aren't together there will probably be the usually underlying acrimony.

All you can do is for your ds to continue to encourage her to be active and eat healthily when in his care.

Sounds like your son needs to go to court to get fixed access and perhaps increase it - this will stop his ex withholding contact on a whim.

Of course he can speak to the GP assuming he has parental responsibility (named on the birth certificate).

@porcupineinwaiting the OP hasn't actually given any real indication of how overweight her granddaughter is. Her perception of very overweight may not actually be that large, equally someone's perception of a very underweight child might only be slightly under where they should be. In any case nobody should be mentioning weight in front of the child themselves because that is cruel and can lead to issues much worse than a few extra pounds - and it is still not the grandparents place to say anything. If there is a concern for the girls welfare then by all means she can ring social services but as it is OP needs to tell her son to take more responsibility of his child by going to court and getting a visitation order in place, and getting in touch with her school/GP and discussing his concerns with them and her mother. Other than that OP does not need to be involved.

Carrot if my MiL had a concern about my children's weight I would far, far rather she speak to me about it than call ss! That's a pretty extreme first step. I agree about not mentioning it in front of the child.
Ultimately though, allowing your children to become overweight and then doing nothing is considered a minor parenting foible and it rely shouldn't be. It should be as unacceptable as smoking on front of them.

@porcupineinwaiting if the OP had a good relationship with her DIL then yes, absolutely she could bring it up gently, and away from the child. But she clearly doesn't have a good relationship, she has stated that even the childs father has tried and been unsuccessful in dealing with it and so while I don't agree with ignoring the situation I don't think her trying to talk to the mother is going to result in anything more than arguments and the child being used as a weapon from what has been said. I am also only suggesting ss if the child is morbidly obese and not just a little bit chubby. Honestly it doesn't sound like her mum has a good relationship with food either and social services can help with that, they aren't demons they can help.

I have name changed for this. @maudie11 we have had a similar issue in our extended family, involving a SERIOUSLY obese child and frankly it's blown the whole family apart. Everyone has fallen out over it, very sad.

The grandparent of the child in this case decided that she could best help the child by effectively 'siding' with their parents. This had the result of alienating all her other children (who were/are rightfully concerned about the child's welfare) however she is able to influence the child's future more if she is closely involved. She takes the child to things like swimming and other active clubs and works hard to help the situation where she is able to without conflicting with the parents.

It's all very well people telling you to mind your own business but if she is VERY overweight then that carries all sorts of significant health risks and you have a responsibility not to turn a blind eye. Certainly the child in our family is under SS because there are concerns about the child's welfare in relation to the weight.

maudie11, you came back but failed to address the very important key question about whether you had a quiet chat with the mother or said something that your grandaughter heard. This is an interesting post for MN as it combines the two hot issues of interfering grandparents and childhood obesity. I think that any comment you make won't achieve anything or be helpful. Perhaps your son could push for more contact so that he can give her healthy food and activity for longer periods. If the obesity is extreme hopefully the school nurse will address it with the parents. Just be kind to your grandaughter when you see her and never mention weight to her.

Letting your kids get fat is child abuse in my opinion. It’s setting them up for a lifetime of health issues, bullying, self esteem issues.
I know a girl who is 8 and weighs 9 stone. I have a 6 and a half year old who isn’t even 3 stone yet!
I think there should be some sort of intervention for obese kids.

Sorry, I realise your DIL is not allowing you to see your grandchild. If you are going to mention weight to the child I understand her reasons. I think you need to apologise and reassure your DIL that you will keep off the topic and mean it.