To be annoyed at what my daughter's nan has told her

[TwiggyCat92]

DD is 5 and quite anxious about going back to school. She saw her nan the other day and was upset when she got home, she told me that her nan has told her that when she goes back to school, she will be separated from all her friends, not allowed to touch them or any teachers and she won't be allowed to play. Her nan is quite OTT at the best of times but AIBU to be miffed that she has said all this to my reception age child? I'm considering saying something but she always manages to turn it in to a massive row. DD has been crying on and off about it and is now refusing to go to school. I should add, I have been honest with DD and told her things will be a bit different, but have had a positive attitude towards returning which the school are also encouraging.

I should also add, none of what she told my daughter is true!

I’m wondering how much of that is her own interpretation/exaggeration. If her nan really would say things like she won’t be allowed to play at school, then I think there are bigger problems behind it!

Maybe just ask her not to talk to DD about school as they have not been in touch theirs grandparents but the parents and what she said was wrong. So she has unnecessarily upset DD because she didn’t have the correct information.

Just a very factual and unemotional message.

@Inthebleakmidwinteriwouldsing

I’m wondering how much of that is her own interpretation/exaggeration. If her nan really would say things like she won’t be allowed to play at school, then I think there are bigger problems behind it!

It does sound like things her nan would say, and she was pretty detailed about what she told her. Her nan seems to be convinced they will have to play alone in circles drawn on the playground with chalk, like she has seen on Facebook apparently!

Does dd school have a video or information on their website stating the ‘new way’ from September? If so show her what will be different and how fun it will be etc, put her mind at rest that she will still be with her friends. It’s not a bad thing to get her used to the changes beforehand so it’s not a shock when she returns, but her nan didn’t go about it the right way if she’s now upset by how it was said without asking you first.

I'd have words, possibly by text so it can't turn into a row.

Something like:

'DD is very upset at the moment because of what you said about school, in future could you avoid telling her exaggerated worst case scenarios, she isn't old enough to understand you're over-egging it or joking. Thanks x'

And then don't engage any further.

Guess your dd is now old enough to be told nana isnt always right then.

I know exactly the stupid FB post she'll have seen - ignorant scaremongering, based on nothing. Drives me mad that people insist on sharing this crap without fact-checking it first!

My mother does exactly this - treats FB as if it were news/factual rather than social media, takes everything on it as read.

Thanks for the advice everyone. Her nan suffers quite badly with health anxiety so I think might be projecting her worry over the situation on to my daughter. She is also awful for sharing those types of Facebook posts and being dramatic in general! I vividly remember DD cuddling my newborn DS, and instead of telling her to be gentle, her nan told her she needs to be careful as he is very delicate and she might crush his organs 😂

Her nan seems to be convinced they will have to play alone in circles drawn on the playground with chalk, like she has seen on Facebook apparently!
That sort of thing has been shown in past news programmes on TV too, not as something that will happen but, I think, when ideas were first being touted on what measures could be taken. Your mum might seriously believe this is the case and be trying to prepare your DD.

I would just explain to both mum and dd that these things were considered but aren't going to happen. Tell your mum how upset DD is and perhaps ask her to explain she'd misunderstood when she told her that. Don't turn a drama into a crisis- there's no point falling out over a misunderstanding. She wouldn't hurt your DD deliberately would she?

i don't do it but fb sounds a pita on so many levels, but it's more worrying that so many people treat it like a guidefor how to live.

My kids are with their grandparents at the moment (we all needed a break from each other) and I've been very clear with my parents what I've been telling the kids about social distancing etc - so we're consistent in it. I wouldn't have let the kids go away with them if I didn't have confidence they'd be following my lead on that one and we've worked very hard to bring DD2's anxiety levels in particular back down to a more normal level.

MIL is coming down in a few weeks and we are going to have to be firmer with her as she's liable to not think or listen and run her mouth off and cause upset - but we've also told her we don't want the kids stressed out or upset about anything.

My kids know that the virus is of minimal risk to them - but that lots of people are still very worried about it so we try to give them space just to be polite and kind to their feelings - that's how I've made the choice to present it to them to keep their anxiety down.

Mine have been in keyworker provision and they have NOT been put in any chalk circles. They've had bits of the playground allocated to each group to stay in - which is no different from some normal arrangements where football is confined to one bit and skipping ropes to another really (or the football becomes some roving force of destruction that just goes over the entire playground knocking little kids flying).

Time to tell DD about how Nan likes to make stories up and exaggerate things like in a fairy tale. So DD needs to think when Nan says something if it is real or a Nan story. It doesnt make Nan a bad person and we will still love her, but its something we need to remember about her stories.

You will be teaching your DD to use her own critical thinking skills and develop her emotional resiliancy

I would tell her that things have changed a bit, but that Nan has got things a bit mixed up. Then tell her exactly what to expect and be positive about those changes. It appears Nan has put a negative slant on any change, which is unfair.

I agree it's time to tell your DD to take what nan says with a pinch of salt. I wouldn't call it 'telling stories' or 'exaggerating' (even if you think it is), because your DD might think that sounds like fun, or she might repeat the phrases to her nan and upset her.

My MIL is like this too (my DD is a bit younger but not much), and I try to say something like 'granny got that wrong - people sometimes make mistakes'. DD has started occasionally asking 'did granny make a mistake' when she wants to check whether her gran has got it right, and I think that works quite well, because DD obviously gets that gran isn't the most reliable, but it avoids putting my MIL's back up or making DD think granny is deliberately teasing her.

Oh there's actually no dates available for the ZSL course atm

I really do want to get over my fear, I'm repulsed by rats/snakes/bugs but it's only spiders o have a crippling fear of.

CEllar spiders I leave as they are sort of daddy long legs In my book

I agree with what SeaToSki has said. Preferably in front of Nan.

Around that age, and ever since, I’ve been open with my children that their grandfather talks total bullshit 🤷🏻‍♀️

My Year 1 child wasn't allowed to touch teachers or other children when they went back in June. They sat at separate desks for work and lunch and were only allowed in their class area at play time - they could play but had to stay apart from each other.

Maybe email the school and find out what their plans are for September?

Well my sons went back on wed in classes with friends and it’s fairly normal and they seem happy to be there and there is a happy laid back atmosphere at drop off times. Your daughters nan needs told that she can’t say things like that to a child I wouldn’t care if she huffs tell her not to say things like that to your child end of I wouldn’t listen to excuses. You’re The one with a crying child at home.

My year 5 was in a "bubble" with about 10 others at school. Only played, classroom and ate with them but not distanced . Didn't get to play with all her friends, but enough to be happy.

No circles in the playground. Normal school with more handwashing, and less kids.

Perhaps you could explain that some people put up thinks that aren't true on the internet and unfortunately some people believe them and don't understand the difference between make up stories and true stories. Maybe start of the discussion with reading a story together and have a bit of a conversation about that bits that are true, the bits that might not be true. You could also have a discussion about who to ask about whether something is true or not.
It might make your little girl less anxious at an already worrying and exciting time to think in terms of her nan not understanding what is true and what people are making up, rather than believing what her nan said or believe that her nana has deliberately told her something upsetting and not true.
It might also help in terms of what children tell each other. At that age I was terrified that the earth would stop spinning, which would turn off gravity and we'd all float off into space a die. This was because a little boy slightly older than me hadn't quite got the reading comprehension to cope with his book about space. If I'd known about people not understanding I would have asked my Mum sooner. I didn't want to tell her because I didn't want her to feel frightened still. please feel free to use this in a modified form as a discussion starter if you like.

I would be a bit more matter of fact with my DD and say "I don't think Nanny really knows how school will be. It'll be different to that . Let's look forward to you going back rather than worrying about something not true" and move her briskly on each time she refers back to it. I have always tried to present things as a fun challenge "Oh you'll be moving into a big bed soon won't that be fun" rather than saying "Don't worry" as then they worry!

oh yhes it must be true it was fb!

anyone seen the other post about schools not giving your children back if they have covid-its getting bloody ridiculous

You may need to decide whether it's appropriate for your daughter to be in contact with her nan without adult supervision as your daughter is at a very impressionable age and her nan does not appear to be able to respect her age by keeping her thoughts to herself.
Alternatively you could teach your daughter skills to rationalize her grandmother's behaviour. People have all sorts of physical, mental and learning differences and your daughter needs to know how to enjoy their company.
Suggestion - ask your daughter where she thinks her Nan learnt this information. Ask her when her Nan last spoke to her teachers/school to confirm that this change is accurate. What do your daughter's friends grandparents have to say, do they agree?