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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

ABIU? Husband doesn’t want me to go away

99 replies

Fedupofyourcrap · 12/08/2020 14:24

All my life my life has evolved around my husbands needs and wants.
When DC were born, he was never home to busy going out on drugs, partying with friends and has been unfaithful.
He used to accuse me of cheating on him
With one of his friends which I know know was projections of his own behaviour but it meant I wasn’t allowed to “go out” with friends as he didn’t trust them. I single handily raised DC by myself for six years with very little input from husband.
I looked past this as we moved away from the area and he improved. Stopped the drugs and cheating and became a family man which I wanted.
However my life still evolves around his needs and wants.
I have made friends online with some lovely women who live around the U.K. they are planning a girls holiday next year which would be fantastic. I have never been away from my children unless I’ve been in hospital or had surgery even then it was my parents looking after DC.
I asked my husband to watch them it would be for four days and he’s refusing saying the DCs behaviour is to bad for him to watch them and that I’m a mother now and the kids must come first.
I’m heart broken, I’m only 29 and I’ve never had a life outside of him or the kids. It’s only for four days... am I being unreasonable?
I have mental health issues (probably from the way I’ve been treated over the years!) and I was so looking forward to going away I had a actual smile on my face and a hop in my walk and now it feels like great I have nothing to look forward to now.

OP posts:

AllsortsofAwkward · 12/08/2020 16:22

So hes older than you, didn't like youre friends, he did drugs and went out and was cheating on you with various women then moves you away and completely isolating, hes a classic abuser why on earth are you with him is he finiacally abusive aswell.

diddl · 12/08/2020 16:23

If he couldn't get the time off work or it would use leave allocated for a family holiday, he might have a point.

It's not until next year.

Would it be too much to take time either side to take them to your parents?

I don't see why they should have to put up with your miserable shit of a husband by staying at yours!

With any luck you'll have left him & be back near friends & family.

ineedaholidaynow · 12/08/2020 16:26

Did you move away from your family?

Do you work? If not how will you fund the holiday, do you have joint finances, would he block the money to stop you going?

HorsePellets · 12/08/2020 16:26

So he spent years buggering off doing whoever and whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted, spending money as he saw fit (no doubt leaving you short for the children, but it’s ok because he’s better now because he cooks a bit and comes to medical appointments?

But he won’t look after the children alone, won’t let you go away with friends, controls what you can and can’t do, tells you the children are badly behaved (with the implication that it’s your fault because he does nothing with them), and you want to know if YOU’RE unreasonable for wanting a few days away?

You’re not.

Please re-read what you’ve written, and think over your life over the past however many years and truly think about what you actually get from this man in the way of comfort, love, care, companionship, and partnership. I would imagine it’s little to nothing.

FlySheMust · 12/08/2020 16:27

Just pack and go. Leave meal plans for the DCs. He'll have to cope.

Turn your phone off.

Boohoohoohooho · 12/08/2020 16:51

You are only 29, have you really thought about how you and your kids life’s are going to evolve over the next 10, 20, 30 years? Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with him? Splitting up is extremely difficult but sometimes it has to be done. Short term pain for long term gain.

You also need to think what is best for your kids? Having a downtrodden unhappy Mum isn’t ok. Also, if he is behaving like this while your kids are young how do you think he will be when the kids are older?

You only get one shot at life. Don’t waste it on a Controlling loser like him.

If you really can’t leave him now then at least prepare yourself to leave him in the future. You need to make yourself as independent as you can.

Good luck.

MadameMeursault · 12/08/2020 16:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

mrsBtheparker · 12/08/2020 16:57

Could your parents look after the DC for four days?

Why should they when there is another parent at home?

Feralkidsatthecampsite · 12/08/2020 17:07

I once babysat a toddler all week end at my home (babysitting website) as the df refused to so the dm could have a week end away with her dm who was ill.
Called his bluff as he told her no babysitter either. But she did it..
Have heard simce she dumped him soon after..
What a woman!!
Tell him you are making arrangements op and that it is him who will look unreasonable not you..

3rdNamechange · 12/08/2020 17:33

@mrsBtheparker they shouldn't have to but I feel he simply won't do it. He'll ruin it for her and she'll have to cancel last minute. Also with any luck she'll have kicked him out by then.

ThisLittleLady · 12/08/2020 17:52

Why don’t you and the kids move in with your parents and then he will only have to fend for himself from now on? You deserve to be happy. You deserve a break. Your kids deserve to mingle with other people without you around. Your hubby deserves a divorce.

Iggi999 · 12/08/2020 17:57

Good lord. What a toe rag.
He's not bothered about being a father coming first is he?
Dh and I each have the odd (once or twice a year) weekend away separately, as you say you come back with a spring in your step.

MaryShelley1818 · 12/08/2020 18:16

Well you are not being unreasonable wanting to have a life obviously but by staying in this relationship and allowing your children to grow up in this toxic environment you are certainly not thinking of them at all.
I wouldn't leave my children with an abuser for 4 days for a holiday. Your priority should be getting yourself and them away from him.

freeingNora · 12/08/2020 18:16

I think you would do well to consider an exit plan and that includes moving near your parents and going it alone

Why does he do that is a good book as is the emotionally abusive marriage

Good luck

diddl · 12/08/2020 18:20

@mrsBtheparker

Could your parents look after the DC for four days?

Why should they when there is another parent at home?

They might want to rather than them be left with Op's husband.

ImFree2doasiwant · 12/08/2020 18:24

Bloody hell. You're 29. Leave this loser and start living.

TheAquaticDuchess · 12/08/2020 18:31

You need to divorce him. Of course this is no way to live. You aren’t a worm to be ground beneath his heel.

Book the holiday. Don’t tell him if he’s going to be an arsehole about it. Arrange to meet your parents half way to drop of the kids with them.

Start making plans for divorce. You don’t want to be on your deathbed thinking about the life you could have had if only you hadn’t let your husband ruin every chance of happiness.

Patbutcherismyhero · 12/08/2020 18:38

I don't often say LTB but in this case I absolutely would. In fact I would have after the cheating but that's by the by. You're not his carer, you're his equal. You deserve a life as much as him. Why is it ok for him to go out on benders and not you? Seriously look at getting rid of him and you'll be free to enjoy things like this whenever you want.

MumsyMumIAmNot · 12/08/2020 18:43

Find a way to go you deserve it. Your husband sounds vile.

SandyY2K · 12/08/2020 18:54

Is this what you want the rest of your life with him to be? He sounds like a chauvinistic pig.

You're far too young to settle for this kind of unequal relationship.

Midnightoil2020 · 12/08/2020 19:04

@Fedupofyourcrap

That’s what I said to him “what about when you used to go out all the time?” And his excuse was well I was back by the morning not fucking off for days! He used to come home 10/11am and then go to bed till early evening and go back out again.

If I book it, he won’t be happy and will be like this all the time until the holiday has been and gone. I’m just very conflicted, I want to have friends I don’t understand why I have to be home all the time doing nothing but looking after the kids and cleaning. It’s no way to live.

I am guessing he’s your first and only relationship and all you have ever known. Could have been me writing this a couple of years ago. As soon as the kids were old enough and out of nappies to be left with him while I went out and had a bit of my own life he didn’t like it one bit. We split up and I divorced him in the end when he started to try and stop me doing one of the only things which made me happy and have me an outlet and tried to stop me persuing a career Simply get rid. He feels threatened he doesn’t want you having a life where you might see there’s more to it than being with him. And I garantee when you split he won’t step us a dad at all. He will use those kids as another means to control you. Get rid. Get on benefits if you have to and start a new life while your young enough to enjoy it

AnyFucker · 12/08/2020 19:09

It’s no way to live

Yet you are living this way. And will continue to do so unless you make a change.

BumbleBeee69 · 12/08/2020 19:24

I looked past this as we moved away from the area and he improved. Stopped the drugs and cheating and became a family man which I wanted

No he didn't.. he just became a sober abuser instead of a drug addled one

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 12/08/2020 19:44

The holiday is not until next year. Book it but don't tell him. You may not still be with him next year. You then have all that time to organise childcare with your parents. Hide your passport too.

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