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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ABIU? Husband doesn’t want me to go away

99 replies

Fedupofyourcrap · 12/08/2020 14:24

All my life my life has evolved around my husbands needs and wants.
When DC were born, he was never home to busy going out on drugs, partying with friends and has been unfaithful.
He used to accuse me of cheating on him
With one of his friends which I know know was projections of his own behaviour but it meant I wasn’t allowed to “go out” with friends as he didn’t trust them. I single handily raised DC by myself for six years with very little input from husband.
I looked past this as we moved away from the area and he improved. Stopped the drugs and cheating and became a family man which I wanted.
However my life still evolves around his needs and wants.
I have made friends online with some lovely women who live around the U.K. they are planning a girls holiday next year which would be fantastic. I have never been away from my children unless I’ve been in hospital or had surgery even then it was my parents looking after DC.
I asked my husband to watch them it would be for four days and he’s refusing saying the DCs behaviour is to bad for him to watch them and that I’m a mother now and the kids must come first.
I’m heart broken, I’m only 29 and I’ve never had a life outside of him or the kids. It’s only for four days... am I being unreasonable? SadSad
I have mental health issues (probably from the way I’ve been treated over the years!) and I was so looking forward to going away I had a actual smile on my face and a hop in my walk and now it feels like great I have nothing to look forward to now.

OP posts:
roarfeckingroarr · 12/08/2020 14:51

Book the holiday. Controlling bastard. Let him sulk.

AryaStarkWolf · 12/08/2020 14:52

It does sound like a very unhealthy relationship OP

angelofthelight · 12/08/2020 14:53

I'd be booking the holiday and leaving the controlling manchild! It is no way to live the way you are right now.

comingintomyown · 12/08/2020 14:56

Forget the holiday and focus your efforts on splitting up with this guy because what you have said on here alone is enough to justify it . I hope you are looking for strength from posts rather than genuinely wondering if you are being unreasonable

welcometohell · 12/08/2020 14:58

Given his history, do you feel the children would be safe and well cared for if they were left with him for four days? I agree that you should be able to go and he's being a controlling, selfish prick but in your position I'm not sure if I'd trust him with the kids. Could the DC go and stay with your parents for a few days?

Mascaramademehappy · 12/08/2020 14:59

Tell him he either does the 4 days or it will be week about when you are divorced. He is so selfish.

LannieDuck · 12/08/2020 15:02

Honestly? I wouldn't be able to get past the double standards and would leave him. I might even get EOW free then!

Gogogadgetarms · 12/08/2020 15:05

This has made me so sad for you OP. He’s supposed to be your partner and you are supposed to be a team.
He’s treating you very badly and being very selfish.
I agree with the people saying tell him you are booking it. Tell him he is looking after the children. Do everything in your power to change this dynamic. Don’t accept this is the way it is because it doesn’t have to be this way.

FannieMae84 · 12/08/2020 15:06

he sounds abusive and controlling.

would you want your daughters to end up in your situation? i suspect the answer is no.

you sound like you don't have any life or freedom beyond just existing to fix his needs.

a half life. a life not lived.

would life be easier without him? i suspect it would.
is he incapable of parenting his own children for a few days? that's pathetic, he isn't a good dad.

Apple222 · 12/08/2020 15:07

Please go on that holiday. I sense how much it means to you. Please go. Stand firm.

ClamDango · 12/08/2020 15:10

Speak to your parents and ask if they would like to look after dc so you can have a holiday. Tell them he wont look after dc. If they are happy then book it, dont bother telling him or discussing it with him anymore. A year is a long way off and if it all goes through then when the time comes just say you're off now, kids are going to gp, see you next week.
Maybe ask the person booking it if you just pay a deposit and is it refundable.

Zaphodsotherhead · 12/08/2020 15:10

I don’t understand why I have to be home all the time doing nothing but looking after the kids and cleaning. It’s no way to live.

I think you do understand, but you aren't ready to face it yet. You need to get out and away from this man. Loving partners don't try to control your movements and are happy to parent their own children.

But you will come round to seeing it; it might just take time.

katy1213 · 12/08/2020 15:13

Well, if his children are too badly behaved for him to manage this 'family man' has plenty of time to work on that and step up to being a father.
But seriously - why would you want to stay with an abusive, controlling druggie? I take it that the children were contraceptive failures; but what were you even thinking about to be in a relationship with him?
You're 29. Your mental health issues will evaporate without him dragging you down. That spring in your step is how life is supposed to be!

EmbarrassingAdmissions · 12/08/2020 15:16

I want to have friends I don’t understand why I have to be home all the time doing nothing but looking after the kids and cleaning. It’s no way to live.

Have you read up about coercive control, OP ?

Seconding anyone who's recommended Lundy Bancroft's Why does he do that?

Coyoacan · 12/08/2020 15:17

This man has isolated you for so long that you cannot conceive of life without him. That is one of the reasons behind that behaviour, apart from the convenience of having you always at home.

AbbieFB · 12/08/2020 15:20

Leave him. This is not a healthy relationship which I think you already know.

Book the holiday.

Harriedharriet · 12/08/2020 15:23

He will drain every ounce of life out of you. He is a vampire, draining you of your life, youth, vitality, joy, hope, love, laughter, sensuality - EVERYTHING sweet, lovely and pleasent in this life.
Run!

Sunrise234 · 12/08/2020 15:23

Just leave.
Then he will need to have the DCs on his own on the weekends and you'll be free to do whatever you please!
Life is too short to be miserable!
He is supposed to be your partner - your biggest supporter, someone who wants you to go out and have fun, make friends and have a well-deserved break.
He is your partner not a prison officer.

Littlemissdaredevil · 12/08/2020 15:23

You do need to put your kids first when you have kids. However, this does not involve being your husbands slave or having zero time away from your children.

NoProblem123 · 12/08/2020 15:24

What Skara said.
There his kids to so if they’re too much for him he needs to organise some help.
Interesting he’s not concerned with their behaviour with you while he’s out & about.

How that weekend goes will have a huge baring on the long term future of your relationship.
I personally would have packed him off long ago, but he may have hidden qualities that only you can see.

Have a lovely weekend away either way Wine

rebecca102 · 12/08/2020 15:28

'Your a mother now and they should come first' says the father who was never home, doing drugs and cheating Hmm

backseatcookers · 12/08/2020 15:30

This isn't about the holiday, not really. You're in an abusive relationship in which you're manipulated to behave in the way your partner wants you too. You have such bigger issues than this holiday and I feel like because he's so controlling you can't see that?

TBH OP the situation with this 4-day trip is the tip of the iceberg. You're in an abusive relationship with a cruel and selfish man who cheats on you and does as he pleases, while preventing you from doing anything but skivvying in the house and taking care of the DC. I think you should leave and worry about the holiday once you've done that.

I agree with this poster.

Darcy2 · 12/08/2020 15:31

This isn’t just about the holiday, it’s about control. What does he bring to your relationship? Money? Is that it? If he’s not helping out at home or with the kids, then there’s really no point him being there! You’re only 29 - go live your life the way you want as a single mother until you meet someone who will offer a partnership not a dictatorship; preferably closer to family members who will actually help out when needed!

itsamockery · 12/08/2020 15:32

Well obviously, you have to go on this trip. It will do you the world of good. This is non- negotiable.

Don’t ask him, tell him. What is the worst he can do? Is he violent?

Just tell him, calmly and clearly, you are going. Again, keep calm and tell him you haven’t been anywhere in 6 years.

Tell him if you don’t go you are liable to go over the edge into depression and then he will have to take the kids for weeks / months while you recover.

If he still persists with the emotional blackmail and manipulation, I’m afraid you do have to leave him because you can’t live the rest of your life like this.

Cherrybakewellll · 12/08/2020 15:34

You need to start being more assertive.

Pick a day in 2 weeks time and tell him you are going out for the day. Say maybe 6 hours. Doesn't matter where you go or what you do, the point is that you go.

Then you tell him you're going out again another time, go for longer.

If the holiday is next year he has plenty of time to learn how to look after HIS OWN kids for a few days.

Surely during lockdown he's had to step up a bit?