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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ABIU? Husband doesn’t want me to go away

99 replies

Fedupofyourcrap · 12/08/2020 14:24

All my life my life has evolved around my husbands needs and wants.
When DC were born, he was never home to busy going out on drugs, partying with friends and has been unfaithful.
He used to accuse me of cheating on him
With one of his friends which I know know was projections of his own behaviour but it meant I wasn’t allowed to “go out” with friends as he didn’t trust them. I single handily raised DC by myself for six years with very little input from husband.
I looked past this as we moved away from the area and he improved. Stopped the drugs and cheating and became a family man which I wanted.
However my life still evolves around his needs and wants.
I have made friends online with some lovely women who live around the U.K. they are planning a girls holiday next year which would be fantastic. I have never been away from my children unless I’ve been in hospital or had surgery even then it was my parents looking after DC.
I asked my husband to watch them it would be for four days and he’s refusing saying the DCs behaviour is to bad for him to watch them and that I’m a mother now and the kids must come first.
I’m heart broken, I’m only 29 and I’ve never had a life outside of him or the kids. It’s only for four days... am I being unreasonable? SadSad
I have mental health issues (probably from the way I’ve been treated over the years!) and I was so looking forward to going away I had a actual smile on my face and a hop in my walk and now it feels like great I have nothing to look forward to now.

OP posts:
Cherrybakewellll · 12/08/2020 15:35

I mean obviously LTB would be better but it doesn't sound like you want to do that yet.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 12/08/2020 15:36

You are in an abusive relationship. Don't try and minimize it by saying "he's not all bad", he shouldn't be bad at all.

You need to make plans to leave him.

ErickBroch · 12/08/2020 15:36

OP, I am sure you know but you are in an abusive, controlling relationship. I was in your position for many years. You know that you can't book it, because if you do, he will make your life a living hell the entire time beforehand until you cancel it anyway. Your only option is to leave him.

SavoyCabbage · 12/08/2020 15:36

Coming to medical appointments with you doesn’t make him ‘not all bad’.

He sounds absolutely bloody awful to me. Lazy, controlling, unkind.

ErickBroch · 12/08/2020 15:37

Please don't listen to people saying 'be more assertive' because that is not the problem here. The problem is he is an abuser and will never change. If you become more assertive I would expect violence. Please find the courage to speak to someone/women's aid.

Peridodo · 12/08/2020 15:37

Speak to your parents, maybe you could meet halfway with the children and they look after them? Otherwise is the destination for the holiday set? Could you reconsider where you go if it also suits your friends as this might help with dropping the DC’s off at your parents? Just a thought.

Book the holiday - don’t tell him. If I were you I would just go when the time comes and leave him a note or send a text. Then silence his calls and messages for the duration. Let him see you will not be controlled by him. Don’t miss out on this holiday, it will be a great experience for you and time with your friends will do you the world of good.

In the meantime go for some counselling, you have been living with a controlling man for a long time. You need to work out if he is making you happy. This doesn’t sound like a happy environment to me. You have put up with his past drug use and cheating and he won’t give you the space to do things you want in life, this is wrong on every level. You deserve much more than this.

Do you have any financial independence? If not maybe consider looking for a part time job so that he isn’t controlling you financially and giving you more options for the future.

Plus I agree with @rebecca102.
He is a selfish person and doesn’t give your quality of life a second thought. Don’t let any more years go by like this, life is for living.

peteneras · 12/08/2020 15:40

"...my life has evolved around my husbands needs and wants"

Who does he think he is. . . the Prince of Arabia?

Timestoodstilll · 12/08/2020 15:41

I don’t understand why I have to be home all the time doing nothing but looking after the kids and cleaning. It’s no way to live.

You don't have to do this. It is what he wants, but he's not in charge of you, is he?

endofthelinefinally · 12/08/2020 15:45

You are in an abusive, controlling relationship.

Post again on the relationships board here and you will get good, practical advice. Read some of the other threads on there too and you will see you are not alone.

Tigersneeze · 12/08/2020 15:47

Your problem is not the holiday/childcare, the issue is your husband.
He sounds controlling
He sounds abusive
He doesn't parent his own children
He doesn't care about your needs
He doesn't want you to spend time with those woman because he knows they will be in non controlling relationships - something he doesn't want you to see and hear about.

Why are you with him?
Have you ever thought about life without him and seen that it might be happier, healthier for you and your children to leave him?

You are so young, I really hope you see hin for what he is soon and find a way to leave this relationship

BeeTrees · 12/08/2020 15:47

OP, nothing you have said has been any sign of a healthy relationship and why you would not be better off as a single parent. There are so many things that will improve for you without him

Seracursoren · 12/08/2020 15:48

As someone further up recommended Lundy Bancroft "Why does he do that?" here is the online pdf of it, you can have a read and see if this sheds any light on it all.

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

But your husband is a shit, abusers aren't awful all the time, but enough so you know that he will treat you like shit when you don't do what he wants. You know this. So have a read of the above, and work out whether you want to stay in this relationship.

Devlesko · 12/08/2020 15:50

Aw, why did you set your bar so low my love?
Older men are quite often like this, and the way he has treated you is awful.
Why are you with him, you can do better and your kids deserve a happy mum, sounds like they won't get one whilst you are with him.
Your call OP, happiness is within reach, but not with him.

memememe · 12/08/2020 15:55

you need to get out of this relationship. can you move back to your parents?

Candyfloss99 · 12/08/2020 15:55

Leave him and he can have custody of the children those 4 days. He'll need to learn how to parent them on his own when you're divorced if he wants to see them. You are right this is no way to live.

JingsMahBucket · 12/08/2020 15:56

@Fedupofyourcrap you're in an abusive relationship. The holiday is not the problem. You need to LTB.

Jengnr · 12/08/2020 15:58

Book the holiday, lose the twat. You’ll be miles happier

timeisnotaline · 12/08/2020 15:58

Book it. Fuck him. Tell him if he’s going to be like this until the holiday it’s just as well you’ve booked in a few days for him to practice parenting for a change.

YouJustDoYou · 12/08/2020 16:02

I'm guessing he's a lot older than you. Op....you're living a prison sentence.

81Byerley · 12/08/2020 16:11

Why are you still with him??

AtLeastThreeDrinks · 12/08/2020 16:16

Easier to ask forgiveness than permission. Terrible relationship aside, I'd book it. He's got a year to improve the kids' behaviour when they're with him. He can start when you take some time for yourself outside of the home.

He did it, and you can too. It'll do everyone good. And if he complains, I'd be reminding him of those times when he'd party all night, sleep all day and disappear again. Should his kids not have come first then?

Stand up for yourself OP. Enjoy your holiday!

2bazookas · 12/08/2020 16:18

Ask your parents to come and stay for a week; then they can see you at both ends . Pay their train fare .

Tell DH that if he can't look after his kids, your parents will come to stay.

SunshineCake · 12/08/2020 16:19

I'm assuming you love your kids and want to show them right from around. Well this relationship is 100% wrong and your only sensible option is to get out. Ask your parents to help.

IntermittentParps · 12/08/2020 16:20

If I book it, he won’t be happy and will be like this all the time until the holiday has been and gone.

Let him be not happy. He makes you unhappy.

Go away and have a nice time. And make your escape plan.

bridgetreilly · 12/08/2020 16:21

You need to leave him now, so that you have time to save up and get sorted for that holiday next year.