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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL pressure to BF

76 replies

ThatsNotMyCherry · 12/08/2020 13:38

I’ve read a lot about mothers and mother in laws pressurising women who bf to bottle feed (I guess because in the 70s women were encouraged to bottle feed). In my case however my mother in law keeps going on about how amazing breastfeeding is and how in my in laws pretty much everyone bf until they babies are around 1 years old or more. My husbands sister is the only one who didn’t and my mother in law is very critical about this. I’m struggling with Bf my 6 week old baby. Started giving top ups from very early due to poor weight gain and now basically top up at every feed (which is a disaster I know!). I fully expect I won’t be able to continue like this for much longer and I dread having to hear her comments which will no doubt make me feel guilty. Has anyone been through this? :(

OP posts:
DowntonCrabby · 12/08/2020 13:40

Your DH needs to step up and tell her to STFU if she wants to be around the baby.

Hoppinggreen · 12/08/2020 13:41

well as its neither her baby or her boobs she should be minding her own business
Congrats on your lovely baby and welcome to motherhood, where everyone has an opinion and you spend a lot of time feeling guilty whatever you do.

AriettyHomily · 12/08/2020 13:41

id tell her to fuck off

WorraLiberty · 12/08/2020 13:43

I haven't been through it but there are only 2 important people in this situation and your MIL isn't one of them.

Every time she brings it up, just glaze over and ignore or change the subject.

If she bangs on about it again, either tell her yourself to stop or ask your husband to do it.

WhereTheCrawdadsSing · 12/08/2020 13:44

Ah it feels like the biggest deal in the world when they're 6 weeks. I promise you, it really isn't.

Breast is best.. if it works well.

But, if you cannot feed your baby, you cannot starve him for the sake of someone else's dogmatic ideology.

I have EBF, FF, combi fed and exclusively pumped with mine at various points. It isn't always possible to EBF. Personally, I'd always give it a good go, but you have done that and you're doing your absolute best. It is fine to stop if that is what is best for all of you. Sleep deprived, stressed mum and hungry babies are not 'best'.

katy1213 · 12/08/2020 13:45

I'd tell her firmly her opinion isn't required.

CardsforKittens · 12/08/2020 13:46

Your body, your choice. If your MIL makes any criticisms you can say something like, “My choices are not up for discussion.” And repeat, word for word, as necessary - like a broken record.

mbosnz · 12/08/2020 13:47

'Duly noted MIL, however, we will do what we think is best for our baby, and I'd really prefer if you stopped banging on about breast is best. It's tedious and annoying. Now, how about them dodgers?'

Lockdownseperation · 12/08/2020 13:47

@DowntonCrabby

Your DH needs to step up and tell her to STFU if she wants to be around the baby.
This.

It’s perfectly fine if you want to stop bf. If you wanted you can continue bf, your LLL are always are great source of advice and there are lots MN who can help too.

My MIL can be a PITA but she is sensible enough to know to never criticise a mother.

msflibble · 12/08/2020 13:47

Tell her politely that you're doing your best and that added stress and pressure is unlikely to help your dwindling supply much. BF doesn't work out for every mother and there's not much that can be done about that. Bottle feeding may miss out on some of the benefits but it's unlikely to make a huge difference in the grand scheme of things. None of us do everything exactly as the experts recommend and yet children grow up healthy and happy nonetheless.

Original poster
ThatsNotMyCherry · 12/08/2020 13:48

She’s not actually a horrible person. I get on well with her. She’s just very passionate about bf and keeps going on about the wonderful bonding and antibodies. She doesn’t understand that not everyone has the same experience she did. She had oversupply, found it painless, had her mother staying with her to manage everything else at home.

OP posts:
Wearywithteens · 12/08/2020 13:48

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Seracursoren · 12/08/2020 13:48

Your Dh needs to tell her to back off.

This is entirely your decision, this is your body, your baby. You must do what you feel is right for you.

If that is mixed feeding, then it is mixed feeding. If you choose to just bottle feed that is your choice and nobody is entitled to an opinion that they share with you.

Your Dh needs to tell his mother to shut the fuck up. My Dh did that to his mother, she said I am only trying to help, Dh told her first and foremost if we wanted advice we would ask and it was just making things stressful for all 3 of us.

JudgeRindersMinder · 12/08/2020 13:50

It doesn’t matter if you breast feed or bottle feed as long as you feed! Any time she raises it just cut her off with “Yes I’m feeding the baby”
I say this as someone for whom breastfeeding came easy!

Scubalubs87 · 12/08/2020 13:51

Please feel no guilt about how you feed. I stopped breast feeding very early and the guilt I felt was intense. I really don’t know why I beat myself up so much. I wish I just let myself off the hook. Unfortunately people like to offer unsolicited opinions when you have a baby. Tune them out and do what works best for the both of you.

Cherrybakewellll · 12/08/2020 13:52

Feel free to regain her with information about how great the conception was. See how she likes listening to that.

Diva66 · 12/08/2020 13:53

@AriettyHomily

id tell her to fuck off
Me too!
HoldMyLobster · 12/08/2020 13:54

The phrase that worked on my MIL was “I don’t want to hear another fucking word from you about how I feed my baby.”

Tact and politeness got me nowhere so I resorted to letting her know exactly how much she was pissing me off and it worked.

FadedRed · 12/08/2020 13:57

This is magical:

MIL pressure to BF
Original poster
ThatsNotMyCherry · 12/08/2020 13:59

Have any of you had pressure to BF from mothers or mothers in law? Everything I read is about pressure to bottle feed from the older generation

OP posts:
Mix56 · 12/08/2020 14:00

"I won't be discussing this again, I have tried, the baby is not putting on weight. I will not be guilt tripped one more time. So drop it."
Exit

Alexandernevermind · 12/08/2020 14:04

Nothing worse than a militant breast feeder, I'm sure the inability and pressure from almost everyone to bf is the reason a very dear friend suffered with PND. Do what works for you and your baby op and tell DH to get MIL to back off, the subject is not for negotiation.

Alexandernevermind · 12/08/2020 14:06

My MIL thought breast feeding my babies was odd, she was adamant that bottle was best, so we had the complete opposite. She is lovely though and respected my choice.

Ohwowanother · 12/08/2020 14:10

My mother really pushed me to BF my eldest. I hated it. It hurt and I stopped at 6months after my 5 time of getting mastitis I stopped with her grudging support. I really struggled to bond with my eldest due to feeling so ill feeding him and do hold some resentment about this. 11 years on and with my third child (and having put a lot of boundaries in place with my mum over the years) I decided that I would feed my son in a way that was best for me, him and my family. I BF for 48 hours the switched to bottle feeding. I was very clear with her that it was my decision and her input and thoughts were not needed or wanted. She has never said a negative word about it this time.

Yeahnahmum · 12/08/2020 14:19

She is not pressuring you into doing anything. YOU are letting her getting in your head. Kick her out. It is your body.your baby.your choice.
Tell her fed is best.

You would yell your own mum to F off is she would tell you what to do. So treat her with the same curtisy (sorry not sure how to spell that)