MIL pressure to BF

[ThatsNotMyCherry]

I’ve read a lot about mothers and mother in laws pressurising women who bf to bottle feed (I guess because in the 70s women were encouraged to bottle feed). In my case however my mother in law keeps going on about how amazing breastfeeding is and how in my in laws pretty much everyone bf until they babies are around 1 years old or more. My husbands sister is the only one who didn’t and my mother in law is very critical about this. I’m struggling with Bf my 6 week old baby. Started giving top ups from very early due to poor weight gain and now basically top up at every feed (which is a disaster I know!). I fully expect I won’t be able to continue like this for much longer and I dread having to hear her comments which will no doubt make me feel guilty. Has anyone been through this? :(

She needs to mind her own fucking business. If she's slagging off SIL for what she chooses to do with her body, that's a sufficient level of unreasonableness that I doubt there's a way through this other than her being told to wind her neck in. Dickheads gonna dickhead, so no doubt she'll do the same if you stop OP, but you'll just have to ignore it.

Thanks for all the supportive comments.

I’ve had a lactation consultant with both my kids and haven’t found them helpful. They just advised to pump between feeds and continue with top ups to avoid baby not gaining weight or becoming dehydrated. I tried pumping but I only got 1ml so I gave up with that after a few days. I can’t feed more often unless I drop the top ups which I don’t have the confidence to do. I guess it’s what’s called the top up trap. Although I would have liked to breastfeed for longer, it’s too much of a faff to BF for 40 mins then give a bottle. I can make my peace with having to give up eventually but I need people around me to not make me feel guilty

We were doing top ups at every feed and it was a pain in the bum. My HV suggested we change to 1 formula feed a day (so instead of six 30mls as top ups I breastfed and then I gave her one entire 180ml feed in the afternoon). Really worked for us , she started putting on weight, I could go out and about with the faff of bottles and I could even leave her for a few hours to go the gym/get hair done/ feel like a human being.

Oh my goodness absolutely not a disaster.
I BF my daughter for 5 months, it was really hard for various reasons and I desperately wanted to quit but was too afraid of criticism. If I had my time again I would put my own (and my babies) mental health and our bond first and switch to bottle sooner.
Feeding seems so important in these early weeks as its all babies do, but if its not working for you then that is absolutely more important. And by the time your baby is on solid foods you MIL should have forgotten how they were fed early on (or needs to get out more)

The SIL is her daughter, she’s expressed how disappointed she was with her for not bfing for very long and gets very excited about both her other daughter in laws who have EBF for 1-2 years

@ILoveAnOwl I guess I should have tried that when we still on 30ml top ups but now I’m at the stage where I’m giving her close to a full feed in formula. There is milk there just not very much

@Couchbettato

I'd ask her whys she's so interested in your breasts frankly.

They're your breasts and you'll do with them as you see fit.

This! I couldn’t agree more - I find it so bizarre when family members/friends have an opinion about your bf journey.

Although I would have liked to breastfeed for longer, it’s too much of a faff to BF for 40 mins then give a bottle.
This makes me recall how time-consuming breastfeeding is, and how that really really surprised me as a new mother. For a week or so I kept a record of how much I was feeding, and it averaged at about 12 hours a day. Sometimes less for a few days, and then the baby would go through a growth spurt and I'd spend the next 2 or 3 days literally doing nothing but feeding . If you're not willing/able to do that, then maybe moving to mixed or formula might work better for you. If this is Baby number 2 and it's still not working for you, I wonder if it's actually possible to give the time you need to make it work, unless you have full-time help with DC1. I do think that if you couldn't do it with DC1, it is going to be much harder with DC2 when you still have DC1 to deal with. It's different for women who established bf first time around - by the time it comes to DC2 you can do it standing up, shopping, cooking, whatever, but that's not normally the case when you are still trying to learn how to do it.
I still think you could try asking for MIL for help, and be honest with her about the reasons you want to stop. Telling her to fuck off or mind her own business ( as suggested by some posters) isn't going to help your relationship. From what you've said about her , she actually sounds like she wants to help and would be sympathetic rather than judgy if you were to be honest with her.

but I need people around me to not make me feel guilty

OP, you need to not care about what other people think. It’s not any of her business.
Plus if she can moan about her own daughter, she’s easily able to moan about you. No matter what you do!
Be strong over what you want to do and what you can control And give no fucks to other people.

Op, do your breasts look like these? www.breastfeedingforbeginners.com.au/hypoplasia.html

I have hypoplasia and PCOS (can also be a factor) and was only able to combi feed, and I tried and tried and tried, and pumped and pumped and pumped.

For up to around 15% of women, it's NOT just the old supply and demand magic, there is an underlying issue. I loved bfing my baby though it was bloody exhausting doing both bottle and breast - but whatever you do decide, bloody well done, the whole thing is really hard.

@DelphiniumBlue

Although I would have liked to breastfeed for longer, it’s too much of a faff to BF for 40 mins then give a bottle. This makes me recall how time-consuming breastfeeding is, and how that really really surprised me as a new mother. For a week or so I kept a record of how much I was feeding, and it averaged at about 12 hours a day. Sometimes less for a few days, and then the baby would go through a growth spurt and I'd spend the next 2 or 3 days literally doing nothing but feeding . If you're not willing/able to do that, then maybe moving to mixed or formula might work better for you. If this is Baby number 2 and it's still not working for you, I wonder if it's actually possible to give the time you need to make it work, unless you have full-time help with DC1. I do think that if you couldn't do it with DC1, it is going to be much harder with DC2 when you still have DC1 to deal with. It's different for women who established bf first time around - by the time it comes to DC2 you can do it standing up, shopping, cooking, whatever, but that's not normally the case when you are still trying to learn how to do it. I still think you could try asking for MIL for help, and be honest with her about the reasons you want to stop. Telling her to fuck off or mind her own business ( as suggested by some posters) isn't going to help your relationship. From what you've said about her , she actually sounds like she wants to help and would be sympathetic rather than judgy if you were to be honest with her.

It doesn't sound at all like that, since she slagged her own daughter off for giving up too quickly. Nothing about that suggests she would show sympathy for anything other than OP using her body in the approved manner.

OP it sounds very much like you are done with BF, that's ok, please don't feel you have to justify it to anyone (here or in RL).

With your MIL, if you have a really good relationship, just say when she is around next and asks why your FF (or something like that) 'weve decided to FF now's, be very nonchalant. If she says anything more than you can be a bit harsher in your response. If she carries on tell your DH to have a word.

I realise this feels huge now but it really isn't in the long term. Please give yourself a break, your entitled to feed your baby as you want to and congratulations on the birth of your baby!

@mbosnz

'Duly noted MIL, however, we will do what we think is best for our baby, and I'd really prefer if you stopped banging on about breast is best. It's tedious and annoying. Now, how about them dodgers?'

Would she know who the Dodgers are? They are in 3rd place for their division but US baseball is not popular in the UK

Fed is best OP. Tell your MIL to mind her business

The only people who you need to be concerned with here are you and your baby, you do whatever is best for you both and don't worry about anyone else. My eldest was formula fed from day 1 - my youngest is still breastfed at 15 months. The only difference between them (other than their chalk and cheese personalities ) are the fact that the younger one gets poorly more often than the eldest. I do not believe that has anything to with feeding, and everything to do with her big sister passing passing on everything she catches at nursery. Both are exactly where they are supposed to be, both perfectly healthy, both a healthy weight, both intelligent and curious and most importantly happy. There is nothing wrong with formula feeding it was invented for babies who were unable to be breastfed for WHATEVER reason and if it better for you personally to formula feed then that's what you do . Congratulations on your baby, don't stress yourself out about other peoples unwanted opinions and just enjoy your baby.

Don't tell her. Ignore questions.
If it comes to it; can you tell her it's expressed? 😬
It's your dh job to put her in her place tbh.
And don't feel bad, breastfeeding IS HARD!
My first I combi fed from a couple of weeks old and tbh he only bf in the night when I was exhausted!
My second, I'm still bf and she's almost 2 so I know how hard it is!
Take it easy on yourself, don't let anyone crap on how well your doing!

Perhaps your MIL could arrange for a lactation specialist to visit you rather than tell you how amazing she was at BF.
Better yet, find a group of BF La Leche League that you could go to weekly.
Or ring the breast feeding network to ask for advice on how to support you in your decision on Nursing your baby.
Telling people the importance of something that you're struggling with is just daft.

@pandarific I have wondered about hypolasia and my lactation consultant said it was possible but not clearcut in my case. That was my worry about dropping top ups. What if I really can’t produce enough. I guess I will never know whether that’s the case.

Yes, I've been through this. My in laws are generally lovely people. But I had their first grandchild 10 years ago and they were extremely opinionated about breast is best. I genuinely think they would be shocked if I ever told them how awful they made me feel back then, as I was never assertive enough to address it. I tried my best with bf, but I found it hell and stopped after about 10 weeks. Best thing I ever did. Motherhood was so much more enjoyable after I stopped. My in-laws did tell my husband how 'disappointed' they were when they found out. We were both pretty spineless back then and rather than tell them I'd stopped, sent them a few pics of the baby making sure there was a bottle of formula in the background. When I think back, I am so disappointed in us both for not just telling them to bugger off with their opinions. After I stopped, my mother in law enrolled in a course to become a breast feeding consultant. At the time, I found it the ultimate kick in the teeth, like she was trying to sweep in and rescue other poor babies from the 'perils' of formula. I was much more assertive with my second child, was honest from the start that I'd be doing a mixture of bf and bottle before probably phasing out the bf as I'd found it such a struggle last time. They never said anything as I think my first child had proven that a baby fed with formula is perfectly fine. My eldest child is extremely lovey, hard working and intelligent - my father in law once told me right in the middle of my struggles with feeding my baby, all about how there were scientific studies proving that bf babies grow up to be much more intelligent and academic than formula fed babies. One day in the not too distant future, I hope to be able to show him my eldest child's gcse results and say "not bad for a poor formula fed child?!". I probably won't though, as I'm far too polite (cowardly). My advice to you is to make it clear you've tried your best, but that you're thinking of giving formula a try and that it's your decision, not anybody else's so no opinions needed. Don't be a coward like I was the first time round!

Yes I’m a bit cowardly but that’s probably because I get on with MIL, if she wasn’t nice in general I would have said something by now. I did say to her when she was going on about antibodies that it’s interesting that her grandson who is still being breastfed at 2 years old always has ear infections whereas my DC who was only breastfed for a few weeks has never had one Her response to that was that her grandchild is sooo cute isn’t he? (Bit random)

They've always got an opinion. My MIL always comments I bf too often "feeding again." My mum is the same, but I think that comes from bottle feeding having more of a routine of feeding every x hours. You really can't win whatever you do.

If you want to bottle feed do it, if you want to drop the bottles then it's supply and demand. The more you give bottles the less is demanded from your breasts. If you stopped giving bottles your baby would complain and want to feed more often and your supply should go up in 24-48 hours if you keep well hydrated and eat well.

@gobananasgo
they've always got an opinion

My mil is great, she's never mentioned it once. She literally never said anything and treats it as totally normal when I feed / fed my babies.

My own mother on the other hand... 🙄🤦🏼‍♀️

God this thread has made me grateful for my DM and MIL, both are lovely and neither would offer advice or opinions unless I asked for them. I'm still BFing at 9 months and my local infant feeding team were wonderful and are one of the main reasons I didn't stop in the early weeks - have you been referred to them for support? You've done so well to get this far so whatever happens next be proud of what you've achieved because it is a challenge and takes perseverance at many stages (but mostly luck in the support you get).

A lot of women are not able to breastfeed for a number of reasons. If you think you want to drop breastfeeding, OP, then go ahead.

But your DH needs to be the one to tell his mother to back off. Even though she's making those remarks when he isn't around, by being the one telling his mother off, he is also making it clear you and he are talking together, a team (as long as he's making it clear he's backing you up and not just saying something because you asked).

I breast fed both of mine, but militant breast feeding advocates who demonise those using formula get right up my nose.

Mothers and Mil's should not make comments about how you feed your baby, if they do, just tell them to be silent on the matter.

My two children were born in the 1970's, and wanted to breast feed them both. I managed about 3 months with both of them, and it became not enough milk for them. so changed to bottle feeding eventually, they both flourished thereafter anyway.

I never had any comments from my Mum. or Mil. but I expect that once bottle feeding, they could have a go at feeding the baby !!